Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

When our search for The One leads us Home


The Twin flame connection carries enormous transformational potential but also comes with a higher purpose; that of bringing new paradigm of heart-based living and spiritual partnerships to the Earth through the clearing of lower vibrational templates. When we as twin flames agreed to take on these patterns as part of our blueprint we knew that the deeper and darker the pattern within us, the brighter the influx of healing light and love on the planet when this pattern was released. It is for this very reason that many of us chose to incarnate into some of the most dysfunctional families on earth – so that through our personal growth we could bring maximum benefit to all.

Being born into a wounded family, we could so easily slip down the path of dysfunction ourselves. Yet no matter what our lives are like, we all have the same opportunity to start anew with each day that is gifted to us. Sure enough, the struggle to break the cycles of abuse and addiction is real, but so is the potential for transformation allowing us to become more than the sum of our upbringing and inherited patterns. Since our growth is often reflected in the types of relationships we attract into our lives, the “rite of passage” for many Twin flames is the relationship with a narcissist, who often comes into our life as a “near twin” or a karmic partner prior to our meeting with the Twin flame.

It is a fact of life that as born healers and empaths, we tend to gravitate towards those who are wounded and in need of healing. We easily tap into the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, understanding them intuitively; however we also often lack the ability to guard ourselves energetically, or to lay down healthy boundaries. This narcissist on the other hand is not interested in healing: he is a taker, an energetic vampire, ready to suck the life out of the kind-hearted empath. He has no self-love and no interest in hiding his needs: after all if he did these might be ignored. The empath, unable to see this manipulative agenda, quickly becomes attached to the narcissist in an attempt to “fix” him and heal all his pain – believing that as long as they do this he will love them back and not abandon them. Yet the more the empath offers their love and care, the more the narcissist’s grip on them tightens, sinking them deeper and deeper into despair.

Many twin flames have experienced these kinds of destructive dynamics prior to meeting each other and many are in such a relationship when they meet. Needless to say, this causes a lot of turmoil and it may be difficult for the Twin flame partner to understand why the other finds it so hard to leave. The thing is, in this dynamic the empath’s self-esteem comes to depend on the narcissist’s acceptance and love. They are desperate for it – even when the relationship is not working. When attempts to leave the relationship are met with a barrage of manipulation and emotional blackmail, the empath blames themselves for not having tried hard enough. They feel responsible for making the narcissist feel good and so even when they meet the Twin flame, this wanting to “fix” the narcissist stays with them, now with the added weight of guilt.


In my pre-Twin life, I endured years of abuse at the hands of a man I met when I was just 20. He was simply the funniest, most charming and romantic man I had ever met and I fell madly in love with his joie de vivre, sense of humour and spirit for adventure. Of course, for a long while I was completely oblivious to who he actually was – or to his past. Youngest of five siblings, abandoned by his violent father and raised by his immigrant mother in one of the most deprived suburbs of Paris, he had dropped out of school at 16 and fallen into a life of petty crime and unemployment. The repercussions on his life and character were huge yet in my eyes none of this mattered: after all, I was here now ready to show him what love could do.

From the start, our relationship was one with huge ups and down. His temper would flare up, I would get upset, and he would make it up to me with romantic gestures and so on. The dynamic was exhausting but highly addictive. When the abuse appeared about a year into the relationship through a gradual process of degrading remarks, guilt-trips and then physical violence, I did not know how to handle it. I forgave him, refusing to believe that he would intentionally hurt me: he was only doing it because he had suffered too. Perhaps I had said something to warrant such a strong reaction? It was my naïve belief that I could change him that made me stay. I wanted to show him that I would not hurt him like the rest of the world had. The truth was that I needed him as much as he needed me, and I was desperate for his love. And perhaps – and this is where the patterns passed down the family bloodline start to make sense – I also believed that “true love” did require such commitment and sacrifice.

It took me years and years to even realize that this dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship was almost the exact replica of my grandparents’ toxic marriage which had cast a shadow over three generations of our family. Growing up, I had often heard the stories… My grandfather beating my grandmother up with a hammer… My grandma being admitted to a mental asylum for psychosis… Pictures and cassette recordings of my grandad sat in his living room drunk shouting obscenities… Or simply the tales of my own mother marrying the first man who took her away from the hell that was her childhood. Bit by bit, the reality of my family bloodline became clearer to me.

As a child, I had never understood why my grandmother chose to stay and play the martyr in that marriage all those years (55 to be exact). Now I found myself in a very similar situation. Even though I tried to leave more times than I care to remember, the huge ups and downs never gave me the time to get my head straight. When things were good, they were fantastic and it was easy to become complaisant. He was extremely charismatic and manipulative and had a powerful way of turning things around; always making sure I knew he blamed me for his pain. When I emotionally exhausted struggled to understand his behavior, he would tell me there was something wrong with me or that I was “making a fuss”. For my own sanity I always ended up adjusting to what I was being told, allowing the vicious cycle to continue.


This man obviously was not my Twin flame and I never mistook him for one, although they came from the same Muslim country. Ironically this man’s tendency to push me past my comfort zone was what got me started in the career and job which actually led me to my Twin flame. In a further twist, I met my Twin flame on the day of our 5th anniversary. Meeting him, as you can imagine, was like being pulled into another dimension. I went from complete desperation into a world of love, hope and validation in an instant – everything about “me” finally made sense as I saw my true self reflected back in his eyes. I knew immediately what a LIE my life had been and how I had been selling myself short all these years. Within days, after an entire night spent walking around Paris with my Twin, I went home and tried to end the relationship. Just like so many times before, it ended up in a fight.

The weeks that followed were both the best and worst times of my life. I was spending every possible moment with my Twin while simultaneously being forced to deal with my boyfriend’s emotional displays; ranging from angry, threatening and violent to suicidal, depressed and deeply distraught. I didn’t want to tell my Twin how difficult I was finding it all; after all, it should have been a no-brainer: abusive co-dependency or true love and freedom? Looking back, my twin probably thought I was “choosing” between him and my boyfriend (and he often indicated this), however this was never the case; I just didn’t know how to deal with the guilt or my boyfriend’s pain without wanting to fix it. I kept agreeing to see him, trying to help and suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse on several occasions because of it; he even kicked down the door of my rented property in a rage. Yet even when I called the police terrified of what he’d do to me, I was the one who felt guilty.

Although my twin knew about the incident with the door, I avoided telling him the full extent of my troubles. Being with him made all the bad things just fade away and I didn’t feel like the relationship with my boyfriend was anything that he would or should be concerned about. I naively thought that I had a lot of time to let my boyfriend go “smoothly”, and that at the end of it I would be free to pursue this new reality with my Twin; as friends, lovers or whatever. How wrong was I! Unfortunately, pretty much as soon as my boyfriend took a step back, my Twin jumped back two! It was unexplainable as we had been joined at the hip for weeks. Now however I was suddenly at the bottom of his priority list.

Little did I know my Twin flame (who had told me he was separated from his wife when we met) was also struggling with his feelings of guilt regarding leaving his marriage; he too was dealing with suicide threats and emotional blackmail. He ended up giving me a whole speech about how we were just friends (with everything else being an “added bonus”) and how his duty was to his wife.  I UNDERSTOOD him and his situation 100% since it was not dissimilar to mine, yet instead of bringing us closer it pulled us apart. He blamed me for having expectations – and I accused him of denying our connection. One day, he turned to me and said “If only we had magical wands to fix each other’s issues: you’d fix mine and I’d fix yours”… Yet somehow, even in the midst of trying to fix others, we knew this was not how OUR connection was wired.

Before I could really address the growing distance between us, his wife arrived for a visit and I pulled back, out of respect and hurt. I ended up running and blocking him, unable to deal with the mixture of rejection, loneliness, heartbreak and soul-searing pain coming my way. I no longer recognized myself: this grief-stricken, sobbing emotional wreck of a woman was not me. I just wanted to feel “normal” again. After a few weeks spent gasping for air like a fish out of water curled up on the floor of my Parisian basement flat, I began attempting to grab hold of ANYTHING that could pull me out of this hell hole – and it was my boyfriend who held out his hand. As crazy as it sounds, he reminded me of how uncomplicated my unconscious pre-twin life had been: how easy it had been NOT having to face myself and NOT having every dysfunction in my life cruelly highlighted to me. All I wanted was to forget all the pain.

Eventually I reasoned that I might as well return to what was familiar to me, i.e. my relationship with my boyfriend, because no matter how toxic, it was also predictable and “safe. He wasn’t perfect but we had a lot of history, and he had been the only thing that kept me from going insane during the darkest days of feeling the loss of my Twin. I reasoned with myself that this is what love is: attachment, taking care of each other, needing each other, compromise. I knew that if the immense love that I had just experienced for my Twin could not pull me away from my desperate situation then NOTHING and no one could do it. With it gone so were my dreams. The truth was that the person I thought would be my saviour didn’t even care enough to treat me as a friend. Instead, he made an empath’s bigger fear come true, i.e. “If I open myself up and show that I have needs, I will be abandoned”.

I knew I couldn’t go back to living the life I had before and so in the months that followed the whole dynamic of my relationship with my boyfriend changed; mostly because I no longer acted like a victim. We embarked on the spiritual path together, travelling the world – and I genuinely felt happier for a year or two, until pushed by my kundalini awakening I returned to my Twin, not knowing what to expect or even why I was doing it. Despite the highly emotional union which confirmed that the connection was mutual, real and true, the old issues and triggers came to the surface again. Both our dysfunctional relationships were still part of our lives – and while each of us at different points in the next year tried to leave we ended up triggering each other into another separation.

Nevertheless, the ignition from my twin was so powerful the second time around that I knew I needed to get out of my toxic relationship regardless of what he chose to do. It was no coincidence he was back in my life, and I knew it. The year that followed was the most intensive of my life as I faced a barrage of threats, violence and insults from my boyfriend followed by tears every time I brought up the subject of separation – while simultaneously being pushed internally to keep doing just that. By this point, I had been with my boyfriend for 10 years; of which I had known my twin for 5. During this time he had managed to alienate me from family and friends and gotten me into thousands of pounds worth of debt. I even left my job that I loved in an attempt to get away from him.

In February 2007, things finally went down with my boyfriend but it was not the amicable ending I had always hoped for. With the pressure of the impending separation, one night he assaulted me with a kitchen knife, holding me hostage in my own flat and threatening to kill me. After an entire night of being battered around by him I finally managed to lock myself in the bathroom and call the police who came and arrested him. Yet my ordeal was far from over. After he was released on bail pending trial, I endured several months of harassment from him despite the restraining order that was in place. I genuinely feared for my life and was terrified to leave my house. At the edge of a mental breakdown and having failed to reason with him (because like a fool I still tried) I had him arrested when he returned to shout threats through my intercom. This was the last time I saw him as he was remanded in custody pending trial.

A few months later, as the trial date was only a few days away, I received the devastating phone call telling me my boyfriend had committed suicide in custody. He had addressed his suicide note to me, insisting he had never wanted to hurt me and blaming his desperate action on my misunderstanding of his behaviour and motives. It was his final attempt to destroy me.

This person, for all the pain that he caused me, also delivered some of the biggest lessons in my life – lessons that it would take me years to truly understand. He taught me what can happen when we overstay relationships under the pretext that we care about the other person and feel “responsible” for them. He also taught me that loving someone does not always mean sticking by them no matter what – discernment MUST be used to determine whether our actions support their/our soul or ego. Furthermore, since by default our nature is to be always on the lookout for someone to love (and ultimately fix), we must always treat ourselves with at least the same compassion that we have for others. We must always remember that the way others treat us is not reflective of our true value, but of how we ALLOW them to treat us. As such, healthy boundaries and self-love are absolutely crucial to an empath’s survival!

Sadly one of the reasons so many Unions are being held back is that a lot of Twin flames are still walking wounded, either recovering from or still struggling with the abusive, narcissist and co-dependent partners and relations. Many still believe they have no choice, hiding behind their unfulfilling marriages or their Twin flame’s “rejection” of their connection. Many feel things simply didn’t “work out” (i.e. they didn’t get what they wanted exactly when they wanted it), however the truth is that we cannot EVER expect to permanently jump from dysfunction straight into a new reality and vibration with our Twin flame. Some serious self-work is needed, including a deep-dive within to release all the patterns keeping us stuck in the very victim mentality which has made us give our power away. The new patterns which enable Union have to emerge within ourselves first before the higher call for Union can bring the Twins back together – after all, our Twin flame cannot come to us until we love all parts of our Self; until we are all that we seek.


Twin flames have a very special role to fulfill in this time of earth’s ascension to a higher frequency. As volunteers to this 3rd dimensional plane of existence, we came here to anchor, emanate and demonstrate the new paradigm energies in order to raise the vibratory pattern of humanity as a whole. Then why is it, you ask, that when we “wake up” from our human slumber we are far from feeling like powerful, co-creating spiritual super heroes ready to take on the Matrix? In fact, when we awaken to the Twin flame experience and its cosmic call to assist humanity, we often find ourselves barely afloat in the fish soup of the lower human experience, stuck in the nitty gritty of everyday struggles; relationships and marriages that fail to nourish us, overwhelming family dynamics and soul destroying jobs, cracking under cultural and religious demands, in endless cycles of financial struggle, or perhaps generally watching our life’s course steer to the opposite direction of what we as a young child gazing at the stars dreamed of… Truly, the examples here are many.

Yet Twin flames come here as co-creators, to bring on a NEW paradigm, a higher love, a more authentic way of living and relating. Each of us comes here for a specific mission. So, why are things made so difficult for us? Why is it that once we begin grasping at just what our “true nature” is, we also realize just how far disconnected from it we are and how much work still lies ahead of us? Firstly, it is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with us; we didn’t fail and we aren’t being punished. These struggles are meant to push us towards the discovery our highest potential; after all, the Universe works in paradoxes: from adversity comes strength, from dependence comes independence, from darkness comes light. Sometimes we only see the way up once we lay in tatters on the proverbial floor – and that’s ok. Then there is only one way to go, after all.


The clearing of all patterns must come first

For Twin flames, there is also a deeper, spiritual reason why we must experience the old dysfunctional templates and patterns. In fact, as surprising as it may seem, we willingly agreed to be born into bloodlines with negative lower frequency patterns as part of our mission. The master plan was to take on these dysfunctional patterns and templates and to integrate these into our own energetic blueprint, with the intention of clearing them later in life for the benefit of our bloodline and earth’s vibrational ascension. For some this may seem contradictory; after all we came here to transform the old and bring in the NEW, not to fit in!

Unfortunately we possess no “magic wand” to transform the dense darker realities of the human experience; our only hope lies in the mastery of our Self. To create change, we must BE the change, meaning that the change that we wish to bring into this world must start from WITHIN. We cannot expect to bring in the new unless we first rid ourselves of the old debilitating patterns on all levels of OUR being. Furthermore, we cannot hope to assist others unless we have experienced first-hand how the process of spiritual growth and purification works.

Therefore, for maximum impact on both personal and universal level, we picked families and surroundings that did not energetically resonate with us and where we often felt misunderstood and out of place. Born emphatic, we were naturally aware of other people’s energies and emotions from a young age, and sought to make them feel better so we didn’t have to feel their pain, disappointment etc. Often, such as in my case, the vibrational misalignment made us feel like we were born into the wrong family and culture. It was unexplainable, especially if we had a happy childhood with a family that loved us. However since it is always the strongest vibration which dominates, not necessary the highest, we eventually lowered our vibration in order to “fit in” and to avoid negative attention, disappointment and even abuse. These distorted patterns follow us into adulthood, and repeat themselves in our friendships, relationships and marriages, attracting darkness into our life and keeping us in a state of spiritual amnesia, disconnected from our divinity.

The impact of meeting our Twin flame

To clear these patterns and to reconnect with our true potential we must go through a process of purification, surrender and self-realization. For many of us, this transformation to remember who we truly are and to activate our soul’s purpose begins when we meet our Twin flame. With them, our heart and consciousness enter into what seems an unstoppable expansion, perfectly matching, reflecting and resonating with theirs – it is a familiar energetic “fit” and Oneness unlike anything we have ever known. Everything within this shared vibrational bubble becomes heightened while all the old realities of our human lives seem to fade into the background. We become acutely aware of the energetic suppression we’ve lived under, and even with the “vibrational codependency” of our pre-twin life still deeply ingrained in us we find ourselves feeling more alive than ever, recognizing the blueprint and energetic signature we share. They feel like “home” to us.asnesion 1

Unfortunately, while meeting our Twin flame opens up a whole new world of energetic and vibrational possibility and helps bring us closer to our Divine blueprint, it is impossible for us to maintain this higher vibrational state with the old patters still weighing us down. Sooner or later, usually within weeks or a few short months crisis hits the couple and separation ensues. More often than not, one or both twins return to their lower vibrational relationships and situations – or jump head first into new ones. While many see this as a fear-driven, often contradictory reaction, this too happens to a reason. Firstly, the twins cannot complete their deep introspection and cleansing with the overwhelming presence of their Twin in their life. After all, the process is already an emotionally intense one, and any contact with the Twin only seems to highlight this. Secondly, the twins are often completely unprepared for the negative patterns, conflicts, dilemmas, fears and insecurities the connection brings to surface and so they return to their old lives for “respite” because it’s the only stability they can find.

Thirdly, the pursuit of the high-vibrational twin flame connection conflicts strongly with the necessity to clear the old dysfunctional patterns. The Twins find themselves being energetically pulled into two opposing directions. Since the priority is always on mission and service, the clearing of old “karma” from the ancestral blueprint MUST come first, ahead of the physical union. Since twins share no karma and cannot interfere with the karmic work the other must complete, they naturally gravitate towards those who can help them do this, i.e. the karmic husbands, wives, partners, family members etc. These people will remain part of their earthly experience until they are no longer needed, at which point, if the twins so choose, the Universe assists them to move on.

If we are lucky enough to be able to maintain contact with our Twin flame during this time of intense self-work – even intermittently – this has enormous benefits for both, even if the immediate outcome does not resemble any relationship we have ever known. Twins do often check-up on each other, even in separation, to (often unconsciously) gauge the spiritual progress being made on the other side of the “mirror”. However categorizing the connection at this point is likely to be detrimental; even though it may be helpful to see our Twin flame as a catalyst and partner to our spiritual growth; no matter what their outer actions look like. The journey to self is never about the “other”, however as our perfect energetic mirror our twin is in a unique position to help us recognize, embrace and clear the dysfunctional templates deeply ingrained in us – and vice versa. If we become attentive to how they trigger us, the better and faster we become at turning our attention inward, enabling us to grow and evolve in all areas of our being that much faster.


Overcoming victim mentality for the benefit of your Union

One of the dysfunctional “glitches” present in many bloodlines is abusive relationship patterns. This includes not only physical violence, but the many elements of emotional, psychological, financial and sexual abuse; deprivation, humiliation, threats of harm or abandonment, blame, blackmail etc. Many twin flames, including me and my Twin, have played the role of the “victim” in codependent relationships prior to meeting. As kind emphatic souls we want to help others but without the required self-mastery we end up not only hurting ourselves but also enabling a cycle of dysfunctional behaviors in the process. This imbalanced dynamic within us attracts its outer manifestation in the form of a “near twin” or karmic soulmate who is there to reinforce these patterns, but also who simultaneously offers us plenty of opportunities to see beyond them and to do things differently. If we do not learn our lessons with one karmic mate, we sooner or later find ourselves repeating the pattern with another; that is, until we rid ourselves of the template. Therefore, the self-work many try to avoid by running away from the Twin WILL have to be dealt with sooner or later; whether our Twin flame is part of our life or not.

Of course one would think that if we were ever in such a dysfunctional relationship and met our Twin flame that we would leave it at once and never return. However all those of us who have had – or watched – such an experience know just how hard it is to leave a codependent relationship when we lack self-love and awareness. Not even perfect love manifest can do this until we step up and do the self-work allocated to us. It’s easy to judge those who stay but we must ask ourselves honestly how many times have WE stayed in situations and relationships that were detrimental to our growth, perhaps thinking that if we only gave these people another chance, or perhaps loved them a little more, they would change. How many times have we settled for less while reassuring ourselves that it’s “not that bad” after all? Yet these many levels of self-denial come with one core problem: not being fully our Self for fear of dealing with the feelings, emotions and consequences that would arise in us – or others – if we did.

Yet martyrdom in all its forms never saved or healed anyone; all it did was to create deeply-embedded templates that ended up being passed down for generations. Trying to “save” another person by protecting them from their own pain and disappointment or because we are too afraid of the consequences is only keeping them and us from evolving and growing – and from true happiness and purpose. Overstaying relationships because we’re afraid to affect the status quo only prolongs our pain and of course delays our twin flame reunion.

The older patriarchal templates of human interaction are no longer valid – what is needed is a leap in consciousness to allow us to move into the “new” rather than perish with the old. As Twin flames we are at the forefront of this transformation; and a lot is expected of us. We must do everything we can to find the clarity and strength to end the victim/oppressor mentality in all its formats in ALL aspects of our life. If the vow of service to our Twin flame, humanity and God is still alive within us, then we must invite & allow more awareness and light into ALL our relationships, starting with the most difficult ones right under our nose since these are most often the ones holding us back.

Unfortunately your Twin flame, no matter how much he loves you, is not coming to “save” you. He cannot! However the love that you share CAN empower you to save yourself. The simplest way to start doing this is to at all times seek to align yourself with the templates of light rather than darkness, knowing that any clearing work that you do positively affects not only the planetary vibration but also your Union. Eventually, if one or both Twins keep bringing their shadows into light, the positive vibration becomes the strongest of the Union and helps lift the other Twin up – and this alone should be enough motivation to take on the individual and bloodline clearing work we came here to do.

In my next blog post I will share my experience of clearing my blueprint of the dysfunctional abusive relationship pattern inherited through my bloodline; how I got it in the first place and how it manifested in my life, how meeting my Twin flame impacted it, and how his presence and – at times – absence influenced the clearing work– and how I finally eradicated it from my life and being.



As we progress on the spiritual path, we begin to seek a deeper integrity with ourselves. For those on this path, this often exposes the deep inner conflict between the knowing of our heart and what we recognize as socially acceptable, or morally correct. This is never more so than when there are other partners involved in the meeting of twin flames. Such intense love towards someone who may never be ours makes us question what true integrity really is and how and why to pursue it if it is bound to cause so much pain to us and others. What is it in fact that we should seek to align with; is it our inner knowing which fills us with LOVE but seems so elusive and unattainable, or a passable life which comes with certain benefits (security, companionship etc.) but leaves us spiritually lukewarm?

Meeting our beloved gives us a glimpse of the “real” us and as amazing as this is, it is the realization of what aligning with it would entail that often sends one or both parties running back into their old lives. The changes required are simply too big and the consequences on their lives and the lives of their loved ones too far-reaching. So, instead of following the life call to become who they truly are (which would likely include pursuing this amazing experience with the beloved), they “canonize” their spouses out of guilt, no matter how codependent or lacking in love that relationship is. No wonder then that so many couples never make it – it’s not that the other isn’t aware of the connection; it’s that the shock of being faced with just how unkind and dishonest they’ve been to themselves and others makes them pull back.

Clearly when our beloved flips on us like this and leaves us questioning whether our amazing, soul-deep togetherness ever even happened, it is easy to place all our hopes on them leaving their marriage; after all, they are not holding onto it out of integrity but rather out of a perceived duty to care-take, or out of guilt, or simply because it would be a shame to “throw away” a number of years spent together. Yet if we are really concerned about integrity and how this applies to us (not only our beloved), we will see that we must allow this relationship (their existing relationship, and/or ours) to run its natural course. In fact, whether we are the one cheating on an existing partner or whether it’s our beloved, all we are really doing is cheating ourselves out of integrity – and as long as we remain on this trajectory a true reunion will always remain out of our reach.

So how do we know that we are living a life of integrity since for many of us we can only relate this to the rules, behaviors and beliefs that have been passed down to us from our parents, schools, church and communities? Such integrity often means that we live our lives trying to be “good”, or in a cycle of sin and repentance, striving for what the outside world tells us we should be. Yet trying to please others at the expense of our own values and feelings is not the way to integrity. True integrity, in fact, is not obtained from the outside in, but discovered through aligning with who we are from the inside out.

Unfortunately few who stumble upon this path immediately know that “who we are” is a beautiful and unique being with a divine spark and purpose. Instead we think that we are a wife, a husband, a daughter, the perfect son etc. We compromise our own truth in the hopes of being loved and accepted. Yet we are not here to live anyone else’s life or dreams, or to play the martyr and protect our spouses or parents from disappointment or hurt; in the same way that we should not pressure on our beloved to leave an existing relationship. When we act like this, we are in fact showing God our resistance to the flow of life; to destiny, to Truth, to our Union with our one true love. It is telling the all-powerful source and guardian of ALL life and love that we do not trust in it to look after us, let alone the ones we claim to love.


Ultimately, it is only once we allow our light to shine from underneath the layers of other people’s expectations, thoughts and opinions that we discover what integrity really is: it is being true to OUR SELF, and the moral and spiritual values and beliefs we hold. After all, honesty with others always starts within. There is an even deeper meaning to integrity which relates directly to any chance of physical Union in this lifetime. In addition to being defined as “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles”, the dictionary defines integrity as the “state of being whole and undivided”. In fact, the original Latin word translates as “whole or complete” too, as does the Hebrew word translated as “integrity” in the Old Testament. Therefore, we must understand integrity as a central pillar on our quest for wholeness, which in turn brings about Union. Once we reunite our minds and hearts in the Truth of who we are, there is no question about what the next steps for our Union are. Therefore integrity should be a priority for anyone seeking Union.

So for those with the “married twin” dilemma, is it even possible to be honest and live in integrity with our beloved, ourselves and our spouses without dividing ourselves or without causing pain? Indeed, it can take years to come into any clarity about how to show integrity in our lives when the one that we are so closely bonded with refuses to do so in theirs. Often the realizations only come once we’ve delved deep and long enough into our own Self to find out who we truly are. Therefore the unanswered questions have their purpose; they are the catalyst which drives us within to discover our own being.

Once we shift our energy into fully embodying our truth, this sets into motion the energetic ripple effect which shifts a lot of things in and around us. Committing to living in integrity gives us the courage be more of who we are, aligns our actions with our heart and gives us clarity that shows us our best truth to tell others. It becomes easier for us to respond to and initiate change since we know who we are and where we are going. Eventually, if we persist, we come to see that our only REAL duty and responsibility lies in the discovery of our true Self and in the fulfilment of the divine mandate for our lives.

While the connection to our beloved does not need to destroy other relationships, it always stirs up the already existing issues in them. While it is often temporarily possible to keep the relationship going, further along the path we realize that to really be in integrity we must somehow find a way to integrate the intense love for our beloved into our life; after all, they are a part of us: energetically, spiritually, emotionally. In fact, once the spiritual merging and energies of unity with our beloved are felt WITHIN in a very REAL way, integrity takes on a whole other dimension. If we are truly aware, we are shown the division within ourselves: the one part which knows that the connection is real, and the other which says it’s OK to be disconnected and do this with another person. It is very hard to live permanently with such an inner conflict.

At the very least, this inner division is emotionally demanding and keeps us in spiritual limbo about where to go with the connection. In fact, when we lie in bed night after night next to our partner feeling our beloved with & within us, even seeking their energy out, we are faced with a choice. Do we remain blissfully aware of this energy in those moments of 5D connection, yet deny the very real person in 3D who embodies this energy for us while remaining married to another? Or do we owe it to ourselves and others to seek absolute integrity by fully allowing this energy and person into our lives since internally we know this is what we are being asked to do, no matter what this means for our other relationships?

The thing is; if we do pursue this inner call to align with our Truth, we often find our own wholeness. This opens up a pathway out of the karmic wheel of relationships, towards a real chance of experiencing sacred union, as God intended it. Of course this is not always possible, however it is rarely completely ruled out once we reach this point. Nevertheless, when we take the decision to step up into embodying our highest qualities, it is often better to be alone and to allow this love to flow through us, rather than to be in a relationship where we have to block the very energy that nourishes and inspires us to give more of ourselves to humanity and God.


Leaving my marriage

For me personally, I had known my beloved for over four years when I met my husband. Since he continued to choose his marriage after our short reunion, I had no choice but to surrender my need for a relationship with him to a higher power. When I married I was so in love with my husband that I genuinely thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Because of the how much I loved my twin and our history as passionate lovers, I could not consolidate our friendship with my new life and so I kept him at a distance. It was only 8 years later, as my marriage was falling apart for unrelated reasons, that I realized just how I too had used my marriage to escape the intense connection and my beloved’s “rejection” of me.

I knew after about five years that my marriage wasn’t going to last, yet it took another three for me to finally leave. During that time I came to understand that my husband never really loved or knew the “real me” and if he had, more likely he would not have fallen in love with me; after all our inner lives and values were vastly different. I understood that he had come into my life as a reflection of my own inability to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage the pull within to become the “real” me was increasingly strong and in such conflict with the life that I was leading that I felt only one of two things could happen: either I would give into it or I would end up dead – if not physically then at least spiritually. I had already tried to evolve within my marriage but ours was a low vibrational match – after all, I married him in order to start a family. Eventually it dawned on me that I would have to pursue the truth of my heart regardless of its impact on my marriage.

Unfortunately everything about the separation seemed so difficult. I had no idea where to start and it was only once I started making self-loving decisions that I was able to discern my own internal guidance. I also found that speaking my mind and not sacrificing what I needed made me feel more empowered, although it created conflict. Despite this, I avoided the subject of divorce for as long as I could. The previous relationship I had left after meeting my twin had ended up with my boyfriend attacking me with a knife and then later hanging himself while waiting for trial. It was a horrendous time in my life and inside I still feared something like it happening again, even though my husband was nothing like my ex.

Nevertheless the pressure for me to leave was mounting – in fact; I could hardly stand being in the same room with my husband. I felt the pull to ascend, to embody my higher self and all that, and his vibration was simply draining me. In one way I was lucky that he was away a lot (ironically, this was one of the things which contributed to the demise of our marriage), yet on the other hand this just made the process drag on longer. In the moments that my husband was there I felt energetically “held back” and it was only after the emotional release of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – which I blogged about here- that things shifted within me.

What followed was nothing short of an otherworldly experience. Instead of feeling fearful or hesitant, one day I simply I told my husband of my desire to separate confidently and calmly, and even if my voice was shaking and I sometimes spoke through tears, my words were loving, clear and full of understanding for him. I felt at peace, fully supported, connected to the highest guidance and protection, like I didn’t even have to find the words myself. My husband’s kind and calm reaction was the complete opposite of what I had expected and although the separation did not immediately follow, this was a starting point.e92cc3e3da6604936462a13cf7755b87

In the weeks that followed I initiated several such conversations yet my husband refused to move out and with three small children it seemed impossible for me to simply leave without knowing where I was going. Since no divine hand was going to come down and make the separation happen I knew I would have to take some kind of action, however when I tuned into my guidance I was told to be patient and to prepare. It would be easier for me to leave if I started organizing my finances, discretely packing certain things and selling others on Ebay – this was all part of the preparation. Little did I know my beloved had received this same “order” too and had started to do this very thing: he was preparing to return to a “life on lighter feet” and a “life with less possessions”, as he said, selling items he had stored but no longer needed.

The final six months of my marriage saw the return of my beloved into my life, even if only through emails. Although it would have been easy to allow myself to get into all sorts of fantasies about a life together once I left my marriage, I knew this was not how it worked. So I viewed his encouraging words and presence more as internal validation for the choices I was making rather than promises of a future together. I knew I had to take these steps for myself, regardless of whether he chose to follow me or not.

By spring of this year, the situation at home had become difficult and I wondered what would be the “right time” to leave. The guidance was that I would know when the time came – and when it did, I would be left with no other option. So, I practised patience despite the mounting pressure to leap into the new. And just like my guidance had told me, when the time to leave finally came, there was no mistaking it: the message from Spirit was so pressing and clear (like someone shouting “go, go, go” at me), and the events that unfolded left me with no choice other than to pack my kids in the car and drive away. That was the end of my marriage.

Almost six months have now passed since then. Although I am still dealing with the aftermath of the separation, I am well on my way to embodying my highest truth; no longer torn between my heart and mind. The strides that I have made spiritually and emotionally have been amazing and could never have happened with my husband’s energy around me. And while I certainly did not leave my marriage to be with anyone, especially my beloved, we are the closest we have been since our first summer together 13 years ago. Since he is still married (as am I technically) I would not even dream of pursuing anything other than a friendship with him at this point, yet I know and feel the love between us (in its abstract form and abundant expressions) every day and I trust that these feelings will never disappear or change.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, for him or us; all I know is that I am excited to see more of this journey as it unfolds. Ultimately we cannot fight ourselves and if we seek true integrity within ourselves we WILL find peace from the endless questions and restlessness of not knowing how to deal with it all. It is within our gift to live a life of purpose, love and abundance. It is what we came here for. For me, to be with myself in absolute truth, integrity and love, is to be with my twin. To allow this love to flow freely is to be with him. To love myself fully is to love him, to be with him. I have complete faith that if we are meant to be together we will be. In the meantime, I am happy, free, whole.


rumi-quotes-what-you-seek-1024x640As those of you who regularly read my blog know, I have been riding the waves of ascension and reunion for a while now. The metamorphosis which started in 2002 seems to once more be gathering momentum. As much as my writings are a lifeline for me, the shifts and challenges have been such that I haven’t been able to post any new material for a while. I am treading on uncharted territory here! Nevertheless, during this time of intense transformation I have been left in no doubt about the importance of surrender and of having faith in the process. Staying surrendered creates miracles – and it definitely has for me – whether internal or external.

When I started writing this blog almost a year ago as a testimony of love for the man I refer to here as my “twin flame” (although the label doesn’t really matter), as well as a declaration of my faith in God, this path and our innate ability to transmute our pain into something sublime, I had no idea how I would navigate the huge changes coming my way. This year however I have felt the hand of fate push me into the direction I had always known I needed to take, reaffirming what I always knew. As a result, guided by events which seemed to come to my aide, I finally left my marriage of eight years; something that was long overdue for reasons completely unrelated to my beloved. Divorce is never an easy solution and with small children involved even less so. However nothing new is ever birthed without pain.


One of the most popular questions I receive on my blog is what is going on with my Union – and what happened since the events in my posts Twin Flame reunion: Self-Love as the Key to Illumination (Part 1) and (Part 2). There are many reasons as to why I haven’t shared this part of my journey yet. Firstly, the magnitude of events was such that it required me to take time out, not only to act upon the guidance prompting me to move into the new, but also to allow myself to believe in what I was hearing and seeing from my beloved. I wanted to keep it close to my heart because of how precious every interaction with him during the past year has been. It is still hard for me to open up about the events of the past months; in particular as it relates to things he has revealed to me and all the long lost dreams and hopes this has reignited in me. Even more so, it has been difficult because it exposes how vulnerable he makes me; how he alone has the power to turn my ultimate dreams into reality – or to crush them, once again.

The thing is; I have been feeling empowered, happy with where I am going and with myself ever since I started practising self-love. Nevertheless, there is no denying that loving me equals loving him. As I open myself up more and more to him, to Love, to our Union (whatever that means), I still find myself at times wishing I had worked more on myself. Although I have surrendered and learnt to control the triggers, remaining in balance is still a challenge. I can only imagine what turmoil he has gone through during this time.

I have come to understand that the “union” is a balancing act: not only of the inner masculine and feminine energies but also of the intense energy between the twins. To make it lasting requires the unwavering, eyes-wide-open participation of both. Both must trust that everything happens for a reason and according to divine timing. One simply cannot force the other into Union – even though the progress one individual makes on their spiritual path is often quickly replicated by the other. The only real tool that we have for making anything happen is our own spiritual growth and connection to God. Union can only cement itself into the physical when both parties have reached a level of spiritual and emotional maturity and CHOOSE to step up as co-creators of their own REAL-ity under the protection of the Ultimate Creator.

Since I reconnected with my beloved last year, I have kept “eyes on my paper”, enduring long silences, doing my best to allow his conflicting messages about our past, present and future without judgement, demands or expectations, preferring to trust my deep inner knowing about where things are headed for us. I have stopped trying to give him all the answers, or even thinking that I have them. I want him to feel empowered and not give his power away to anyone, not even me. I have finally allowed the cosmic laws to operate in their own timing, trusting the journey and staying concentrated on bringing forth what is REAL for me. Amazingly, this seems to then, in its own time, allow my reality to reorganise and manifest itself in the most perfect ways.life-is-an-echo

As I share a little more of my story, you must understand that what has happened in my Union is nothing short of a miracle; something only this divine, transformative love with its endless creative potential can give birth to. Last time my beloved opened up about his feelings for me almost a decade ago, he denied that we had any soulmate/partner/ wife love chemistry whatsoever and told me how he had never ever pictured me as a potential girlfriend, wife, or other half, including in the moments he caressed me, kissed me or made love to me. He also told me that the physical side of the relationship had been a bonus and a “different kind of a physical communication and nourishment”, insisting that this was how he had felt from day one – and how difficult it had always been to make me understand this. He also believed that I had expectations and was trying to make him to be something he did not want to be. Our wonderful time together hadn’t been a game play or a lie, he said, however it was only ever meant to be a temporary thing and our reunion, as passionate and emotional as it had been, had been a “mistake”.

I don’t think anyone can call me totally delusional for not believing him, although I respected his viewpoint. After all, this was the man who from the first time he laid his eyes on me pursued me endlessly, and with whom I passionately reunited with three years later. He was also the man who always made it clear to me that our connection and the feelings I ignited in him were not only special, overwhelming and eternal, but unlike anything he had ever known with anyone else. During times together and apart we shared many metaphysical, telepathic, synchronistic and energetic events. Even in his attempts to friend-zone me he kept crossing the line, even when I asked him not to and sincerely offered my friendship and acceptance of his choice to remain married. We were forever floating between him ignoring me – and then flirting, sharing wonderful moments and deep, spiritual conversations with promises of things to come. And although he reassured me of our special friendship, “filled with caring & sharing,” he constantly failed to be just that; a friend.

What he didn’t understand was that I was not expecting a romantic relationship out of him; I had known from the start that what we chose to be for each other in this life could never change the fact that we are always two sides of the same coin. What I wanted was to have a chance to be what we already were, without calibration, dilemmas or him shutting me out because he wasn’t able to handle his feelings for me, let alone explore them freely. In my mind, the field of possibilities of what we could be was – and still is – so vast.

As you can imagine, I was heartbroken and angry when he told me this. I was beyond the point of caring: the emotional price had become too much to pay. I understood that for him to feel the real power of the connection and our love, I had to allow him the time and space to feel it without my interference. After all, if he really thought the connection was temporary and I was trying to force it, then what better way for him to see clearly than with me long gone, no longer a part of his life, yet with the connection persisting and with his feelings for me not only remaining but growing, bringing him ever closer to Love, to Source, to himself, to me.

Certainly if I trusted what I knew already back then, he would one day see the light yet I had no way of knowing if it would be in this lifetime. It took every bit of my strength to let go of my dearest dream of having a life – or even a friendship – with him but I did it, putting all my faith into knowing that I would be with him again if and when it was meant to be. When I met my husband and started a family, I didn’t think I would ever get the opportunity to be with him again in this lifetime. I resigned to a different kind of love and partnership – yet internally even this love was powered by the love I felt for my beloved.

CaptureWhat happened next

Fast forward 9 years. After he broke his five month long silence with his email telling me about the overwhelming feelings, emotions and nostalgia my words had ignited in him, he disappeared again. His words unleashed so many thoughts and feelings in me that I wrote at length about integrity, moral dilemmas, marriage and surrender, intending to share it all with him – until I realised this too was a pattern I needed to break. Previously every time I sought to connect with him I would bombard him with deep, spiritual emails, high on love – after all, I am a writer! However I didn’t wish to overwhelm him anymore, or to make him feel like he could never adequately reply to me. Instead, since he had mentioned his surrender, I decided to share with him my own personal journey into surrender and the realisations it brought regarding our beautiful connection.

Even though I wasn’t hearing from him, the deepest sense of serenity, of guidance, of being closer than ever to him and God, came over me. I knew something big was happening. I felt the celestial magnets being switched on again: this wasn’t the first time I had experienced this painfully exquisite pull to him, however this time it came with clarity about the deeper purpose behind the connection which not only returns the lovers to each other but also to Source. I was absolutely certain he was feeling the pull too.

Two weeks or so after I wrote to him describing my journey into surrender he finally sought me online late one night. He apologised for his long absence and said that he had been truly very happy that I was writing again and how the repetition and succession of my emails had been a blessing. He spoke of his frustration of not being able to find the words to respond to me or to encourage me to write more. He had wanted me to think about what I wrote and had wanted to allow himself to hear me say it. He told me that sometimes sanitizing words, avoiding controversial discussion, or remaining silent to avoid or delay confrontation of our own demons …are the sure path to mediocrity, hypocrisy, lack of respect, indifference and patronizing of others. He also revealed that he had been preparing for our discussion by covering the subject I might be talking about from every possible angle, yet deep down he was still expecting me to “uncover unexpected angles”. believe

That night, for the first time in almost a decade, we chatted all night until dawn. Mostly it was about God and surrender, but also about our marriages, our connection and his conversion to Islam. His first question; “So, where are you in your spiritual journey?” set the tone of the conversation. He also asked how my husband was. I said we’d had our ups and downs, he was away a lot, things were difficult – he said he had gone through this many times with his wife. I knew my marriage was headed for separation but I didn’t want to put any pressure on him so I didn’t elaborate.

He told me he had relished in all my emails (the same word my grandmother had used to encourage me to keep writing to him!) and told me how amazed he was at me; we seemed to be saying, feeling and thinking the same things. Even the triggers and fears that had prompted his growth and realisations were mostly the same as mine. Jokingly he asked whether I had become a Muslim too. He suggested we had reached a level of spiritual and emotional maturity at the same time and asked me if I didn’t mind him “testing me” without me thinking that he was trying to be argumentative, as he “wanted to be sure”.

He told me that he cares for me and wants me to be the best I can be, and more importantly accepts me just the way I am (with minor adjustments). “You are 99% perfect to me”, he said. The 1% was where he would be testing me. He spoke about being a truly changed man through his surrender to God, and how he had finally found peace. He told me that he still struggles with his fears, mortality and imperfections every day but also that the deeper he goes into surrender, the more empowered he feels. He said it was about finding his inner chip that was already there. Once he found it, he said, everything changed. Even the “where is home?” became a “reality rather than an delusion.” He wrote: “It is a paradox: Self-effacing brings inner empowerment & a strong sense of life purpose.” It had been the path he “always believed in” and it was only ever a “matter of time” before he would choose it. When I asked him “What path?”, he said “The path you  always talked about.” 

I was blown away by the accuracy of my guidance – this was what I had always known would happen.

He said his worldview had changed, from analysing closely the difference between Real Love & Romantic love or Divine Love & Human love. He told me that if he was to pursue a life partner this wouldn’t be a ying and yang but a partnership which would be in alignment with what God wants: a “realistic love and affection that allows both of us to fulfil our purpose in life for the love and pleasure of God”. This partnership, he said, would be “serious, binding and REAL with no ifs, buts, doubts… and all the way.”


Clearly something was pushing him into being open with me again, but he also told me we should not just let ourselves go with our whims & desires; in fact, he would not be encouraging a romantic or sexual relationship as long as he was still a married man. I fully agreed with him: the last thing I was looking for was an affair; however the way he worded his sentence made me think there might be a time in the future where he would no longer be a married man; that is, until he told me he was looking forward to spending the “rest of his life” with his wife. He alluded to how blind he had been in the past and how him and his wife “had it all.” Naturally, I asked him to be clear with me since I had no interest in interfering with his decisions or his marriage. His happiness and surrender meant the world to me; I didn’t want to disturb his newfound peace and serenity. I only wanted to have a real friendship, if nothing else, with him and I did not want to lose him again.

He asked me not to stop or hold back, and in a separate conversation told me my love was making him “blissfully happy.” He said that with my prayers he might acquire the “true vision”. We agreed that we would trust God and let the “cosmic laws” take their course. He told me “If we accept our human limitations and guide ourselves with divine light and free-will, and we are patient enough.. then we are bound to make good choices when it comes to life partners, careers, friends etc.” He also said that if things don’t go our way, then we would get “all that we are missing and much more” in the afterlife – where our eternal home and final destination is.

He said that it is only through intense fire that the transformation of metal into gold can ever happen and told me to bring on the flames. He was speaking alchemy –  “the seemingly magical process of transformation, creation and combination”. To add to the confusion later on in the conversation he alluded to the divine revelations I had been getting about us and told me that if they were in fact true, he would divorce his wife and be like me. He reassured me that he wasn’t trying to be sarcastic but that he truly wanted me to think about it and to enlighten him.

I was hearing the two conflicting sides of him again – mind/ego and heart. Why oh why does God have to give us the ability to see through the walls and masks into someone’s soul? On one hand, he alluded to my “pie in the sky” unrealistic ideal of love, giving lots of examples of such, suggesting that maybe I was going through a temporary crisis in my marriage and had perhaps “only recently woken up.” On the other hand, he spoke of his admiration of me having always been able to reach the “realm of the sublime and divine” and for holding the divine secret. He expressed regret for having been “too blind or shallow” in the past and not being able to see it, but he was thankful to have reached it now. He said I had to be a “true seeker of God” to have seen it all along. He wrote, “It is from your Creator who knows best and cares about you to inspire you to say it. You must be a very sincere truth-seeker for you to be blessed. It took me a long time, I must have been doing something wrong. I wish it was sooner than later, but Thank God for everything.”

He told me I seemed to hold a divine truth and said he wanted to learn my method – how? He said he would love to have what I have, unless I want to keep my amazing direct contact with God all to myself. In another conversation, he said it was “ironic” that I seemed to have gone “over the edge”, whereas he was “still standing on it”. Then again,  he had worked out the statistics on our time together up to the age of 50 (which seemed strange since he was 44 at the time), perhaps to demonstrate that it really wasn’t that long at all – as if time meant anything for our connection.

More importantly, after all these years he told me that he had always loved me and had never ceased to love me. He always had love and affection for me. “But you should know that by now,” he said. How much love? He said he could not possibly tell but that he was trying to increase the amount of of love in his heart for others because that’s how he would be judged one day by the Giver of that love – God. He had never forgotten me in his thoughts and prayers. When I revealed to him that for the first time, I was feeling a protective male towards female energy from him towards me, he told me his energy and vibes towards me never ceased and had always been there; likening them to the sun. “If my sun is not shining on your surface, it is shining somewhere, so you can sleep or have time to reflect in solitude when it’s dark. The sun will rise again soon.”

In subsequent conversations, he spoke to about his desire to start a new life on lighter feet, about how he needed to get certain things “out of the way”. He wanted to give me his “undivided attention.” He spoke about patience and preparation, of which chatting and writing was part of. As for the chemistry, which he had insisted was “non-existent” between us, had of course always been there, however he had dismissed the connection as “temporary” as he was not able to discern between sexual and spiritual chemistry at the time. He said he would be lying to himself if he called it “platonic.”

He told me that he was certain that it was God’s guidance drawing us together. When I said I had done everything to fight it, he asked why would it be an issue for either one of us? He said he welcomes me back with open arms. He told me: “God sent you to me and vice versa, to challenge us, to expand us and guide us to his path, to his truth, to our eternal life & salvation, to peace and serenity.” This, he said, “reminds us how fragile we are but at the same token, empowers us to what is our purpose in life.” God willing, if we both prayed for it, he said, then God would lead us to it.

That night we talked for over 8 hours straight until I had to leave for work the following morning. Although he signed off lovingly, telling me he wanted to speak to me again very very soon to find out more about my situation, he disappeared for another couple of months. My head was left spinning with what he said, the love that I felt, trying not to read between the lines, his conflict, mine, whether I was misinterpreting what he said and the changes I would have to make in my life to follow this path. I knew I was exposing myself to heartache. Yet I was reassured from within: give me time; be patient, this is all for the purpose of Union.


When I first connected with Mahmoud – the author of this article – on Twitter, we instantly struck up a friendship based on mutual admiration and resonance of each other’s work and spiritual path. He was one of the first fellow bloggers to recognise my work on Mirror of My Soul and I have always equally admired him for his spiritual gifts and creative talents (of which writing is just one!).
It has been my intention for the longest time to reblog his article on Love and Fear which I know will resonate with my readers. For me, it perfectly describes the twin flame dynamic and how the mind-heart divide leads to separation from our twin flame, or Mr or Ms Soul Connection, as he calls it. He tells it like it is from the “runner’s” perspective so perfectly – and echoes many of the truths I have found on my own journey and often blogged about.
I hope you enjoy his soulful writing as much as I do.

Diary of a MadMoud

Episode 48

30 Days of You Challenge | Day Ten

I feel like I have talked about this subject a lot, haven’t I? Why is spirit trying to get me to post about it again? This whole 30 Days of You Challenge is becoming quite challenging because it forces me to find stuff to blog about, so I have to look for dust in the corners of my mind. When I am not engaged in any challenges, I would post whenever I would have an overwhelming sensation to express something, so I could spend weeks not posting anything because I just don’t feel like it. Can’t do that now, and since I am not one to back out from any challenges I ask spirit to inspire me with a topic to blog about. Sometimes I go “ugh, really? I wouldn’t do much of a good job posting about that today”…

View original post 3,223 more words


When twin flames meet, the feelings of recognition brought on by the Soul are felt so intensely that for a while everything outside of this awe-inspiring, wondrous connection simply ceases to exist. If one or both individuals are already in relationships, these often get temporarily pushed aside and totally eclipsed by the power of the connection in order to allow the strong bonding between the lovers to take place. While this brings on a whole new level of “it’s complicated” into our life, from the viewpoint of Spirit the earthly relationship status of these two individuals is irrelevant.

Many bolt out of existing relationships upon meeting their beloved simply because the love and connection is felt so strongly that staying in the old relationship becomes an unbearable lie. Although this is often an unavoidable consequence of the twin encounter, in many instances once the bubble phase is over and the often inevitable separation hits, one or both parties return to their old paradigm marriages or swiftly move onto new relationships in an attempt to regain normality and to fulfil the void left by the other. Nothing however is ever lost: it simply means that there are still lessons to be learnt or important work to complete on other timelines before a permanent union can happen.

The truth is that sometimes the only respite these eternal lovers can find from the turbulence of the connection is in the “safety” of old paradigm relationships. This does not mean that our beloved does not love us or does not wish to be with us, however consciously or unconsciously they know that the intensity of the connection would require their full attention and dedication; and that to rise to the challenge they would have to acknowledge their shadow and learn to live with it. Often they fail to see that what is being offered here is not a new relationship but the opportunity to become all that they are meant to be, and so they rate the “risk” of moving from that which is safe, familiar and manageable to that which is unconventional, passionate and intense as simply too high.

Whether we want it or not and regardless of our choices, meeting our beloved signals the start of a metamorphosis; a journey of self-discovery and transformation which calls us to re-evaluate everything we know. Like the dream cells which enable the metamorphosis of the caterpillar into a butterfly, this destructive process helps bring us out of the co-dependent, ego-based relationship mind-set into the reality of TRUE love and Union. In fact, what both twins often don’t realise until much later is that this separation and the temporary choice to shy away from the connection is a blessing; it is a beautiful gift because it helps rid us of our illusions of what “should be” and opens us up to what is REAL and lasting.

This shift is not only necessary but inevitable for any potential union because as long as we still “need” our beloved to complete us, the relationship will never turn out the way we had hoped on a human level. The thing is; switching from a 3D marriage into a sacred union does not equal moving from one relationship to another, but is an actual quantum jump between levels of consciousness and parallel dimensions. To maintain a physical union with our beloved necessitates a completely new level of honesty, transparency and acceptance and it requires a strong, REAL connection to our Self as well as Source/ God. More often than not, when twins first meet they are simply not ready or strong enough in their connection to themselves to be able to make this move at once.

Coming into sacred union is a PROCESS during which both individuals may make choices which seem to take them away from the Union; however it is these very choices which create the circumstances that allow both to mature spiritually and emotionally into Union. The end result is the shift from a fear-based thinking to a heart-based BEING, where the closeness with our beloved becomes impossible to deny as time passes and as we grow closer to ourselves and to them.imagesCA0TQ6IS

The steep learning curve of marriage to another

When I reunited with my beloved after three years of running I was ecstatic to have him back in my life. 18 months later however it was a different story: I was exhausted from being on the constant emotional roller-coaster of push and pull, forever alternating between shared moments of closeness followed by his silences, contradictions and denials – I was ready to get off the hamster wheel of insanity. When I met a man who treated me with respect and consistency and who echoed my desire to start a family, I grabbed onto this chance without hesitation or guilt. Within a year I was married and had a baby, and for the next 8 years concentrated on building the family I had always wanted.

Despite my beloved’s attempts to include me in his life I kept him at a distance, often with long gaps between our infrequent emails. I wasn’t consciously avoiding him, I just couldn’t for the life in me understand what he wanted from me when all he had done after our reunion was to avoid and delay seeing me when I had hoped to be his friend, lover or whatever. I felt like I had tried everything, given everything, yet he was still a complete mystery to me. Nevertheless, throughout the years I was always genuinely happy to hear from him and shared my news with him as I would an old friend, with all the love and affection I felt for him.

Of course I knew that I harboured many unresolved feelings for him but it was easier to steer away from him rather than having to face them and go through the disappointment the interaction with him always inevitably brought. I didn’t realise until much later that while I had resented him for reverting into his “safe” marriage, I had done the same by jumping into mine. As the years went by I knew that he was still struggling to find peace, love and meaning and he often conveyed this to me in his emails. He told me how proud he was that I had realised my dream of having children and settling down. As his 40th birthday approached (and despite the fact that he was still married), his restlessness seemed to only grow. “Home”, he said, was becoming “increasingly elusive”.

Even though I was fully committed to my marriage and loved my husband, there was no denying that as the years went by I started to deeply yearn the connection that mirrors and gives it back to the other. Although I had always known that I did not have such a connection with my husband and had accepted it, I could never forget what it had felt like to meld essences with another being and to see them filled with that energy, that vibration – or even, what it felt like to be fully seen, loved and accepted. Naturally, as my marriage started to deteriorate for unrelated reasons, it was that same energy that I now sought for comfort.

My husband was often away for months at a time and I was struggling to balance work, my health and caring for my three small children in a country where I had no family and barely any support network. The only time I would have to quieten my mind was in bed at night, and this is where I would always feel my beloved’s presence. I started to seek out the calming, spiritual energy that he represented for me and in fact for a period of about two years those moments of connection were the only moments of solace and comfort I could find. Oftentimes the last thing I would recall before falling asleep was his energy coming to me, and in the mornings I could still feel him lingering in the room, as if he had JUST left. Yet in the “real world” I had no contact with him and had not seen him for 8 years.


Throughout the years of our connection I had grown accustomed to feeling him; in fact, I had known him in this way since I was a little girl so it was nothing new to me and I never gave it too much thought – that is, until the day I realised that he is always here with me; as an energy, a reflection and a presence, as an integral part of me. This brought with it the awareness that there are two sides to me: the one that knows the reality and depth of the connection and the other which says it’s OK to be disconnected and do this with another person. Ironically, I had always been aware of and quick to point out this same division within my beloved, and so seeing it in myself was an eye-opening and humbling moment. I instantly knew there was no one else to blame: I was the one creating the separation by acting like it’s alright not to be with my beloved; the only one who can nourish me. While initially I had convinced myself that I could find fulfilment outside of our Union, I realised this was only because I was not finding that deep connection within MYSELF.

The journey from feeling his energy come to me in an uncontrollable way to actually realising how he is always WITHIN me in a very REAL way was a process which took several years for me. However the day did come where from the spiritual emptiness of my marriage – God Bless it – arose a place of serenity and solitude where the only truth left standing was that he, my beloved twin, was like no other. Along with this was great sense of freedom, of being free from want, from sadness, from my restless search, from all the conditions and barriers that I had let myself and others impose on me when I had not yet known my own power, or the power of God.

I knew now that no matter how much I tried, I was never going to find that connection with anyone else. It would never be as fulfilling, as nourishing, as deep, as intimate, as spiritual, as infused in God. He is always here with me, his energy, his presence, in a way that is impossible to describe. All this time I had been trying to give the love that I am to my husband, but the truth was that he could never return it to me. It was like trying to fill a sake cup with a flowing fountain; the sake cup cannot contain or understand such abundance or hold any of it, whereas the true counterpart would always naturally, automatically, simultaneously expand to accommodate and reflect the outward, as well as the inward, always matching, resonating and reflecting. Finally through the connection to my Self and through allowing this pure God-infused love to flow through me I realised I no longer wanted to mix my essence and energy with anyone who could not match me perfectly; mind to mind, heart to heart, soul to soul.

I realised that all the difficulties within my marriage were in fact a blessing, meant to show me once and for all that I deserved better. My marriage provided me with the rock bottom I had to reach to realize that this is not who I am, nor is this the way I wish to live my life – or to inspire my children to live theirs. Thus, I could not harbour any ill feelings towards my husband since he had provided me with the experience which taught me that I am the ONLY ONE responsible for giving myself the love that I deserve – and I could not resent my beloved’s wife for doing the same for him.

Finally I was ready to lay his ghost to rest and make peace with his failure to “show up” for me in the past in the way that I had hoped. Instead, I put my full faith into the truth of our unbreakable inner bond and the reality of a love which against all odds just seemed to grow and cement itself further into every area of my life. I knew I had to choose this path and that I had to do with FOR ME, whether he decided to make this same choice or not. I realised that being able to meet him in this life is an amazing blessing and opportunity which meant that I should not to settle for anything less than the soul-shaking, transformative, one-soul-in-two-bodies kind of love that we had always shared. If there was the slightest chance that I could be with him, to serve God and to work in Service for the greater good of humanity then I had to take it. Ultimately, I knew my life had to be about this LOVE and this love only, with or without him.


Moving on from a marriage into sacred Union once the energies of Oneness are felt WITHIN is definitely one of the toughest yet most empowering experiences on this journey. The leap from one to the other is a leap of FAITH, which requires us to stand tall in our own KNOWING and light. For me personally, the key to finding the courage to leave my marriage was finding this Union within myself. Since the “twin flame” union is first and foremost an inner happening, with this inner completion comes the realisation, often through trial and error, that we no longer want to be stuck in a 3D relationships which drain our energy but that we’d rather follow the path which make us feel alive, radiant, joyful and connected to purpose, to ourselves and to God.

When we truly want this for ourselves and proceed with self-love and faith in the journey, God guides us and moves for us in the most miraculous ways. The key in the meantime is to be patient, not only with the other but also with our own situation. The truth is that even if today our beloved shrinks back into their old 3D ways, they will only ever be offered a temporary respite from the connection. Sooner or later, the path always leads back to the ONE LOVE, ONE GOD, ONE TRUTH – that our destiny is with our beloved.



When twin flames meet, it is the recognition of the self in the other which ignites the deep longing for Union. More often than not, this union is a long process lined with paradoxes, including this one: we cannot find union with the other until we find it with our Self. We meet our beloved for this very purpose: so that they can reflect and bring to our attention all the ways in which we must still grow in love for our self. The union/wholeness with the Self MUST come first. It is so important because self-love helps us trust our intuition and inner knowing and the more we tune into and learn about the symbolic signs from God and our own individual way of receiving them, the more we are able to recognise the small voice of our Higher Self/soul when it speaks to us.

It is only within that we find all the answers and validation for our  connection. It is the famous paradox again: our beloved can never validate the connection back to us to a greater extent than what we have been able to validate to our self. This is the very reason why developing the communication with our Higher Self is so crucial: we must find certainty despite the great mystery. Sooner or later, the journey leads us to the discovery of the Source of love/Seed of divine wisdom within our own Being, as well as the TRUTH that our beloved is never further away from us than we are from our own Heart and Soul.

The truth is that you DO have all the answers and you do not need the other to validate your own experience to you. You CAN be freed of the pain regardless of what your beloved is or is not doing. Personally I believe this self-validation is a prerequisite for physical union/harmony since once the internal validation and knowing transforms into illumination/surrender, our beloved feels it too – and responds by mirroring it back to us, just as we no longer seek it – perfectly affirming the “twin flame” paradox. Following our intuitive knowing WILL bring us into alignment with the Divine plan and clearly, if BOTH parties choose do so, they will be brought into harmony in divine timing. Self-love and surrender to God’s will makes the impossible possible.

To continue my story about what happened after I made the decision to do only things that a self-loving person would do, it was now a couple of months since I had sent my beloved the email inviting him back into my life (if you missed part 1, click here to read). Although I had not heard anything from him or seen him online during all that time, my life was a hotbed of spiritual activity and I was getting constant signs and synchronicities which reassured me that I was on the right path.

I was also becoming acutely aware of the energetic suppression of my marriage and it was increasingly hard for me to live with. For reasons completely unrelated to my beloved, I had known for a while that my marriage would have to end – I just didn’t know how or when. I will share my insights regarding ending my marriage in another blog, however I was guided not to make any rash decisions but to trust that in the right time I would know what to do and would find the strength and support to do it.



Earlier that year, around the time I started my “self-love project”, I had started suffering from debilitating sciatic pain. I found myself unable to sit up, move or even turn in bed without being hit by the excruciating pain that completely froze me. It was affecting every aspect of my life and nothing or no one seemed to be able help. That summer, through a series of coincidences and synchronicities I ended up attending a law of attraction type workshop and scheduling a session of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) with tapping with the course leader Eileen. About 40 minutes into the treatment, as I was describing to Eileen how the fear of the pain made me feel stuck and unable to move, I suddenly started to sob. It wasn’t a slow realisation that hit me but rather a flash flood of emotion which took me by complete surprise. Through the deluge of tears I understood that the physical pain I was experiencing was merely a reflection of the emotional blockage and fear I had held onto about moving on into the “new”. It was a huge moment of relief where I realised I did not need to hold onto that pain anymore. Amazingly, within a week of the treatment the pain had completely disappeared.

The release of this blockage seemed to catapult me into much more clarity and I was finally able to make some long overdue changes in my life. I reduced my working hours in order to gain a better life-work balance and I stopped the law studies that had been draining my energy. I was even more determined to remain in this state of clarity when my long-lost creative flow of energy returned. I hoped to get back into writing which I loved and that my beloved had always encouraged me to do.



Very soon after the physical/emotional release of the EFT session I had symbol-filled dream about my beloved; made all the more special by the fact that it was years since I last remembered dreaming about him. In the dream I was in Paris – where we first met – viewing an old abandoned apartment. Time seemed to have stopped there; the shelves on the walls were dusty and empty with the odd object left to gather dust. It didn’t seem like a place anyone could live. I found myself feeling pulled towards a stream of light shining in through a door slightly ajar at the back of the building. I pushed the door open and stepped out into a Parisian courtyard. To my right, peeking through the clouds was the sun; shining onto the courtyard in stark contrast to the dusty and dark interior I had just walked through.

As I stood there, not having taken a single step yet, a man stumbled into the quiet courtyard from the same building as me but through a different door. He was only a few meters to my right and only a few seconds behind. He pushed the door open with such a force that he literally stumbled out. He was facing sideways to me and did not see me, but turned towards the sun and stood there with his eyes closed, feeling the warm sun on his face. My heartbeat accelerated, I recognized this man! It dawned on me just before he turned around that it was my beloved. For a split second I wanted to run; then resisted the urge just as our eyes met. It felt like for the first time in a very long time I was able to look at him without hiding myself. The truth was that in way I had been expecting him. We weren’t speaking, there was no need to. He was looking at me, relieved and amazed, saying “What now? I am here. I made it. What happens now? “.

The dream was full of spiritual metaphors, signs and references to the past: him stepping out to the sun, the sun (=love) shining through the clouds etc. (Note: you can find a more indepth interpretation of my dream here). With each day I seemed to understand its deeper meaning more and more. I KNEW that the dream was significant and my guidance told me that the fact that we both burst into that courtyard simultaneously meant that we had BOTH had a spiritual breakthrough at the same time. I was definitely feeling the magnetic pull to him in my chest much more strongly; to the point that it developed into a physical ache whenever I thought of him. I kept finding myself wanting to hold him, without any agenda or hidden hope; simply to hold him in my arms and let him know that everything would be ok. I was convinced he was feeling the pull too, yet when I wrote to him lovingly, guided to do so, he remained silent.

One morning, as I was getting ready in front of the mirror I “saw” him looking back at me, truly SEEING me. I saw myself with so much love and I was puzzled at to what it really meant, except that a veil of some sort had been lifted. It was a strangely empowering moment and slightly intimidating too – was he now sometimes seeing through my eyes, just as I was seeing through his?

Within a day or two, I had another experience of this as I caught a glimpse of him enjoying a moment of joyful conversation with a group of Muslim men all dressed in their white Islamic dress. Without knowing how, I knew that he was on the pilgrimage to Hajj – something he later confirmed. Later that day things got even stranger… I was at the gas station filling up my car when an older Muslim man in his Islamic dress approached me. He spoke to me gently and asked me if wouldn’t mind helping him make sure he was putting the correct fuel in his new car. The whole situation felt very odd, considering that the gas station courtyard was full of men, including younger Muslim men that he could have asked instead. He wasn’t even parked next to me but walked across the busy gas station to my car. The odd thing was that I felt it was my twin’s energy that this man was drawn to and which caused him to approach me, and I felt an affinity with him that was most unusual – he even patted my shoulder in a brotherly fashion on leaving. It was a strange experience which left me puzzled as to the nature of our energetic merging.

A week or so later by another set of coincidences I found myself attending a mediumship demonstration (my first & last one ever!) for a bit of Saturday night fun with a friend. I was gob smacked when my late grandma came through with a message about my beloved. She had always had an amazing connection with him (more about it here) and this despite the fact that I had never opened up to her about him (I didn’t need to – she knew anyway!). She told me that my connection with my twin was a true heart and soul connection and how she knew he was the One I had always loved. She mentioned the emails I’d been writing to him and said that I should not be discouraged even if he did not reply because my emails were helping him and he was” relishing” in them (the exact word he himself would use a few months later to describe his feelings about them). She told me to keep writing to him as much and as often as I can and told me to “hold on” and be patient as amazing things were coming my way.


Almost five months had now passed since I had sent my beloved my email revealing my feelings. Despite his silence my understanding regarding our connection had grown leaps and bounds and I was seeing many positive changes in my life. I was connected to so much LOVE within me that I no longer felt the need for any kind of acknowledgement, validation or confession from him. I felt compelled to share and help others and started writing my blog Mirror of My Soul, feeling inspired, connected to and loved by my beloved despite no visible proof of any “progress”.

Then I dreamt about him again. He had come to see me for the first time for years; we lay on my bed with our legs touching, tingling against each other. He was talking about the events of these past years, holding up a huge sheet of paper on which he had drawn a timeline filled with dates: for each time he had failed to find adequate words to speak to me, for all the things he had written and then erased etc. As he was speaking, the sound of his voice faded away; all his explanations as to why, how and what for were meaningless compared to the feeling of peace and HOME that I was feeling; that ALL of me was there in that moment, no part of me left out there in the multiverse, no fragment, no piece of me separated from its source. He had finally returned HOME to me.

The following night as I sat on my couch I felt his energy surround me. It was so intensely loving, so deeply comforting, warm and REAL that I stopped everything I was doing and just sat there, with my eyes closed, blissfully aware of it. I don’t know how long I just sat there, however at some point I realized he had logged on – for the first time in over five months. I knew intuitively that he was writing to me as I could FEEL HIM talk to me and so I just sat there, enjoying the flow of thoughts and feelings until at 1.30am an email came through from him.

The energy of that moment was so intense, so tangible that I had trouble holding my shaking hands still enough to be able to read his words on my cell phone. He apologized profoundly for not having replied to my wonderful emails sooner and confessed that he had kept writing and erasing his responses; unable to find an adequate way to express himself, let alone respond – which was exactly what he had conveyed to me in the dream. He spoke of the overwhelming nostalgia, feelings and emotions that my email had ignited in him (all of which I had felt!) and the moral dilemma it had raised for him, which, he reassured me, was not my fault. He spoke about finally connecting with divine guidance, about surrender, his conversion to Islam, the Hajj pilgrimage – it had all happened just as I had been shown. He spoke of the “calming spiritual & emotional force” which I represented for him, his admiration for me and how he had always looked up to me spiritually. He admitted that he must have been “too shallow or too blind” to reach the realm of the “divine and sublime” as I had always done – and still did, and that I would always be a part of him.

I sobbed out of sheer relief and love for him as I read his words. For the first time, I recognized every word he wrote as being TRUE. Knowing that he was finding God and himself meant everything to me. All the questions, all the doubts were gone; not because of what he said but because I ALREADY KNEW. I had ALWAYS known; through his denials and rejection, through his pursuit of other women, through 13 years of separation, I had always known. We are already connected on all levels that matter and we are in this together.

Truly, the connection to the self IS the key to the connection with the other.



One of the essential lessons along the twin flame path is the lesson of true love; not only for our Twin flame and all creation but more importantly for ourselves. It is no cliché that it is impossible to truly love someone unless we first love ourselves. To give love, we must have love- and once we have it we must give it without hesitation, expectation or condition; simply because we ARE love and we recognise this same essence in the “other” who is, in fact, us. It is here, at the core of our being, in our connection with the Source of all Love that lays the foundation of all human love. It is the discovery of this unconditional love within our own being which ultimately frees us from the pain of the twin flame experience. Moreover, when we allow its abundant flow to fill us, all our relationships, including that with our twin flame, transform in miraculous ways.

The love of the twin flames is the closest experience to Divine love that we can ever enjoy in the human form. The vortex-like vacuum of this powerful Love as it pulls us towards its’ Divine Source requires that both twins first master unconditional self-love before a harmonious, lasting physical union can ever become a possibility between them. Nothing other than unconditional love can in fact survive the intensity and fire of this powerful, spiritual connection. To navigate this connection we MUST release the illusion of separation from God and from our twin flame, as well as the belief that we need anything  outside of ourselves. After all, if you are not fulfilled by the exquisite beauty of your authentic being without feeling like something is lacking, then how can you ever expect your twin flame, who is your MIRROR, to do so? Only YOU can and must give yourself all the Love you deserve and need. Your relationship with your twin flame can only ever be as strong as the foundation of your self-love. Therefore, it is only once BOTH twins realize that nothing of value can ever be found outside of their own being that they magnetize each other for reunion for the simple reason that they are each other: your twin flame is YOU.

There is nothing more important than doing the inner work necessary to discover the authentic YOU. As twin flames, we often make or delay decisions based on our desire for union or give up on our twin flame because of decisions they make; however what counts more than anything is that we always act with self-love, whether this seems to be leading us away from our twin flame or not. Truly, what appears on the surface in a twin flame connection is just the tip of the iceberg and to gain true clarity both twins must learn to live from a place of self-love.IMG_3775

The good news is that anyone can, at any given time, choose this path of unconditional love. In reality, it is ALL you need to be at peace in your twin flame connection. To love yourself does not mean being egoistical and always putting yourself first at the expense of others, nor is it about winning or getting what you want, but rather about marvelling the miracle of your existence as a manifestation of the Divine will. It is about accepting yourself AS YOU ARE: about embracing both the light and darkness within and disrupting negative patterns while being your own best advocate. To love yourself is to know your values, maintain your boundaries and to honour them. Self-love is about setting the example for others of how you wish to be treated; always knowing that you are worthy to receive love for the simple reason that it is WHO YOU ARE. Self-love also requires you to be able to forgive yourself; for running, for judging, for expecting, for being afraid, because when we forgive ourselves it becomes easy to forgive others.

Personally, it was my decision to only do things that a self-loving person would do which acted as a catalyst for the huge changes of the past year – not only in my twin flame connection but also my personal empowerment. Like so many others, I had been hearing the call to return to myself for a while but I had no idea how I would find the courage or will to make the changes required in my life; one of which was leaving my marriage. However just like “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, there is no need to have all the answers beforehand. By starting small and allowing ourselves the time to fully tune into the guidance available to us (and then acting upon it), we soon find ourselves in the momentum and flow of an interconnected, intelligent web of sychronicities and signs: the same one which drew our twin flame to us – and will not hesitate to do it again, if such is the Divine will.

I have often been asked if there were any signs which told me that something was stirring in our union, especially as we had not seen each other or discussed our feelings or connection for almost a decade. Therefore, in order to encourage you all to follow your own intuition and to embark on the path of self-love, I tell here of the events which unfolded since my decision to only act with self-love.


One of the first things I realized was that all this time I had been withholding love from my twin flame in equal measure to the love I had been denying myself. I realized that to truly love me was to love the “other me”, my twin, even if he did not return that love. For the first time I clearly saw my avoidance of him due to my inability to face the unresolved feelings I felt after he rejected me. It was 8 years since I had last seen him (despite the many times he had asked me) and five years since I last heard his voice. As I finally accepted my feelings for him as well as the pain that came with them without closing my heart, I felt relieved and surrendered as I had never felt before.

I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that if I had avoided him it was not because of anything he had ever said or done; and that regardless of any past, current and future relationships the love that I had felt for him could never change and what had always mattered to me was his happiness. He deserved to know this and more, not so that he would reciprocate or even respond, but because it felt like the right thing to do. I felt urged to write to him, reflecting on my feelings and experiences and on the immense love I felt for him; and this is exactly what I did without thinking about it or the consequences too much. I simply felt liberated for having finally spoken my truth.

However, within 24 hours of sending my twin the email as I was stood at my kitchen window a man resembling him walked past. I live on a private road so it is extremely rare that anyone who is not a neighbour walks past my window, yet here he was; a total stranger who just happened to be my twin’s perfect doppelganger down to the way he walked and the clothes he wore. He seemed to be having a leisurely walk past my house, even stopping to admire the trees (nothing special, by the way) outside my house for a very long minute or two. However what became clear from this strange coincidence was the instantaneous realization that the intensity of my love for him had never gone away. As I stood there with my heart pounding, all my senses heightened, I could not deny that my love for him was as fresh as on the first day I laid my eyes upon him.

I assumed that he would reply to my email fairly soon with his standard reply citing memories of a lovely summer together, however as the days and weeks started rolling by with no sign from him I was puzzled. He had delayed his answers to my emails before so this was by no means the first time, but as he had only just told me how he hoped I still considered him a close friend, I assumed that he would at least acknowledge my heart-felt email. His passive rejection of me had always been a frustration for me, however this time I quickly became aware of a different energy emanating from his direction. I felt a mixture of despair and relief containing happiness and sadness in almost equal measure. Maybe this meant he had finally come to the realization that this was no “temporary flow from the ethos”, like he had previously described our connection?

This was an unexpected consequence to an email I had written more for myself than him. It wasn’t anything I had planned or even imagined so I wrote to him again, apologising if my emails felt too forward or out of place. Receiving no reply, I wrote him a chatty email about my life and my children, gave him my phone number and offered to meet him – to no avail. I felt pretty calm about him not replying, but I was still checking my Skype and emails a little bit too much for my own liking and on top of this, my kids kept getting hold of my phone and accidentally calling him. I was mortified that he’d think I was chasing him or pressuring him in any way for a reply. I felt a little shaky on this unknown territory and unfriended him on Facebook and then Skype. When I very quickly I felt silly about it and sent him a new contact request, he immediately accepted it. Despite this I never once saw him online for the next five months; it was a as if the ground had swallowed him. For the first time I intuitively knew that his silences did not mean that he did not care about me or our friendship, but rather that my words had such an impact on him that he simply could not reply at the moment, not knowing what to say or how to respond. He did however want to keep reading me and this is why he kept the lines of communication open.

In the following weeks I found myself in turmoil, floating in a sea of emotion where I felt like I was being tossed about by huge waves of overwhelming emotion.. Although I didn’t perceive myself to be sad or upset, I became a sobbing wreck at the most random times, even breaking down at work – something so completely out of character for me. I intuitively knew these emotions were his, not mine and it was the first time I had been able to tell the difference with such clarity. All the crying was actually helping me to finally allow myself to feel the full force of this love – after all, there was nothing I could do to escape it and I no longer wanted to either. In addition to this, the “mind chatter” that I had previously experienced with him during times of intense growth, such as after my kundalini awakening, returned more intense than ever. I was getting flashes and visions of things that had happened between us in the past and I was seeing many things in a new light.b9c5bf43872a37a283ee9444c30fbfd7

One day, out of nowhere, a phone conversation I had at work 13 years prior popped into my head. It was really odd as I had not even recalled the event for at least the past decade. At the time, I worked in a call centre (the same one where I met my twin flame the following year), phoning new car/van owners in the UK for a 20-minute satisfaction survey. One night, I dialled a number in the London area and spoke to a man with whom I hit it off immediately. I could hardly get through my pre-scripted questionnaire as we were too busy catching up on a lifetime of events, discovering many common interests and giggling like children at the delight of it all. My 20-minute interview turned to a 3-hour phone conversation lasting the entire duration of my evening shift as we both marvelled at the amazing connection between us. He wanted to meet me and asked me for my phone number, but afraid of how my boyfriend would react I took his number instead. He made me swear I would call him –but I never did, although I did keep his number for several years. The time never seemed right for opening that door. I had felt so strongly about this practical stranger (as undoubtedly he had about me) that I knew I couldn’t just call him to say hello – I knew something would have to follow.

Suddenly I was getting the message that this person AND my twin flame may have been the same person. Had he come looking for me? He knew where I worked. The details seemed to match: from where this person lived, the things he told me about his life and his travels and interest; to how my twin had experienced the onset of his spiritual awakening the year before we met, how he then left his wife, whom he clearly still loved, to come and live in Paris and how he immediately seemed to know many things about me, as if he had been expecting to meet me. The similarities were simply undeniable. I searched for the phone number of this mystery man but unfortunately I no longer had it. It all seemed too strange to be true.

This revelation made me question my own understanding about our connection and I felt compelled to read through our entire catalogue of past emails, mostly dating back to the time of our brief reunion 8 years prior. I wish I had understood what he was telling me at the time since now, even reading through his emails that had upset me; all I could see was his love for me – and his underlying fear that perhaps I did not feel the same and would run again.

The following month as I walked past the multi-faith prayer room at work I had a moment of seeing through my twin flame’s eyes and I realised that he was kneeling down doing the Muslim prayer. In that instant I not only knew that he had converted to Islam but also felt the exalted state of his deep surrender to God; something he would later confirm to me. Since it was the month of Ramadan, I stopped writing to him for a while as I did not want to appear disrespectful. In a way I felt saddened by this turn of events as I wondered whether his conversion had changed him and worried that his religion was just another “mask” for him to hide his true Self behind.

The reassurance from within came almost immediately: seeking God would only bring him closer to me, this was a guarantee – after all, this was exactly what had happened to me. I sobbed remembering my dark night of the soul and how desperately I had pleaded with God to help my twin flame find peace and fulfilment, and how surrender had changed me and brought on the Union of our internal energies so that I felt him within me wherever I went. Truly it did not matter what religion he had adopted since there was nothing that could ever separate us. Whatever he is, I am also, and whatever these big changes were that were now rolling into my life, I knew he had to be feeling them too.

To be continued…505256404_1280x960




Lying on your back in the hospital emergency room, you find it hard to breathe. Little do you know that this is only your first of three visits to this A&E department this week as you struggle to even lift yourself off the floor. Your whole body hurts and you feel like you’ve just been run over by a train. You’re convinced that you are dying, or at the very least having a heart attack. The pain all over your body, especially in your chest, is unbearable but not even the painkillers can ease your agony or erase the memory of her words.

It’s not just the physical pain which leaves you feeling like a carcass; it’s the fact that you feel as if you’ve just been slapped awake from a zombie-like deep sleep. Nothing makes sense right now. You cannot for the life in you begin to understand how her words perfectly describe your deepest feelings, after all, you always hid them so skilfully – or so you thought. How does she know? Who/What is she? Who are you? And what if, just what if, it is all REAL?

Three years earlier, after a beautiful summer spent together in the most romantic City in the world, she had simply vanished to the thin air. Somewhere in the excitement of meeting her you had omitted to tell her just how unresolved the situation with your estranged wife actually was. You had not intended to deceive anyone but you had not expected to fall so hard and fast for this woman so unlike your “usual type”. When your wife arrived in town to see you, and with you unable to turn her away out of your “duty” towards her, you pulled back; torn between your guilt and your deep, unexpected feelings for this woman. You told her that you always valued her as a friend and that everything else had been a “bonus”, not meant to last. She never shared with you the agonising rejection that she went through feeling you pull away, knowing that she had no tools to manipulate you into staying, into giving her any of your attention, because she truly did love you and did not want to interfere with your life. She only wanted to see you happy. She had no idea that you were pushing her away, not because you didn’t love her, but because you just needed some space to figure out what to do.

When you try to see her again a few weeks later she is gone without a trace. She has left her job, her phone line is disconnected and her mobile phone won’t answer. The emails that you send go unanswered. You don’t know where she lives and there is no Facebook or online presence to trace. You don’t even have a picture of her. You leave messages on her answer phone and try to reach her through mutual friends but to no avail. They tell you she is back together with her boyfriend. You leave her hundreds, perhaps thousands of messages all the while convincing yourself that you are only trying to understand why she is now suddenly avoiding you; that your growing anxiety has nothing to do with the fact that every day without her hurts like hell. You’ve only known this woman for a few short weeks for God’s sake! Nevertheless, the feelings of deep, soul-shredding loss haunt you and you cannot help but feel like you’ve been ripped apart. The magnitude of these feelings seems disproportionate to the short time you spent together; it simply makes no sense. In fact, you don’t understand any of it, but deep inside the realisation is growing: this is all your fault and there is nothing you can do about it now.

As the months go by with still no word from her, you do everything to keep yourself busy. Gradually your time together starts to feel more and more like just a dream, like something that happened to you in another dimension, in another reality. 18 months later, having gone through your own dark night of the soul, you finally surrender and leave it all to the powers that be. To gain some closure, you write her a long email where you pour out all your feelings; about your souls being connected, about how much you love her and about the pain she left behind. She never replies. In fact, just reading the first few words sent her into a downright panic and had her hurry for the delete button without ever reading your beautiful words. She too has done everything she can to move on and is simply not ready to revisit her intense feelings for you. You decide to leave the country; in fact, you leave the continent and sell your soul to the corporate devil, throwing yourself into work and back into your marriage in order to regain some normality.


Three years go by and then one morning in your inbox is an email from her. Little do you know that she’s just had a spiritual awakening and is now being bombarded by signs and synchronicities from everywhere telling her to come to YOU. She has no idea what it all means and just wants to know you are happy – and you are now! Suddenly you find yourself back in the sweet synchronistic flow of your energies, back in your uncomplicated, timeless togetherness; burning the phone lines, exchanging emails. In your heart you had always known that she’d return, although you had not really allowed yourself to believe it. Everything seems to click right back into place, as if she never went away.

You want to see her but she hesitates, conflicted about her unresolved feelings for you. Can she trust you not to break her heart this time? She writes to you about love which calls the souls back home; you talk to her about marriage, about children, about how you are still looking for your polar opposite – something she always knew she was. When she writes to you about the union of two souls, without realizing she is answering your deepest questions. Yes Yes Yes!!!!!!!!! Could it be that all along she was feeling the same? You must see her to be sure. You let her believe that you are available, looking for the very things that she so eloquently writes to you about. You know that if you told her that you are still married she might slip away again and you cannot let that happen. With every day your desire to see her grows. Soon enough, the pull is simply too strong to resist and she crosses the Ocean to arrive at your doorstep.

The reunion is everything you had dreamt of and more. She is still that same woman you never stopped loving, the only one who always saw you for who you are, for ALL that you are and could be. You kiss her passionately, out of breath, telling her how much you have missed her all these years. The feelings of home-coming, of rightness, of simply feeling your restless spirit finally calm upon the waves of her love overwhelm you as you find yourself swept away by the unstoppable momentum of your timeless passion. As you feel yourself falling for her again you desperately look for a sign, a proof that this really is REAL; that this is not just a fantasy. Falling for her again scares you to death. You barely made it through the hell of losing her last time. There is no way you could survive it again.

Doubts seep in. You know she is still with her boyfriend and you are still married. You never discussed your feelings for each other before and it is all still a big question mark for you. As much as you are ecstatic to have her here, your logical mind just can’t keep up. What does this all mean? She has returned, like you always hoped she would, speaking of soul mates, about energies, about choosing love not fear, but you need to be sure that she feels these things for YOU. Nervous to the point of having to smoke a cigarette through the conversation even though you are not regularly a smoker, you finally ask her how you fit into all this. You ask her if she loves you, but then, fearing her answer, in the same breath reject her before she has had the chance to properly answer.

You tell her how you’ve done all your soul searching and you know what you want, and it is to stay in your “safe” marriage. You blame her for expecting you to be more than you want to be. Yet she is not here to demand anything of you, but to call you to be open, to be vulnerable, to be true to YOU; to discover the meaning of this connection together. After all, you’ve felt it too. But you can’t. Instead, you pull away. You make love to her for one last time but as the sun rises on the city you draw a line across your love. You tell yourself that it was never meant to be more than a temporary thing and that this, here, was only for old times’ sake.

The last few days of her visit are painful for you. All your feelings of being unloved, of not being good enough, of knowing she will be soon gone, of longing for her but knowing you must “ do the right thing” are making your chest tight. You want to touch her, to hold her but you deny this from yourself. You are straining yourself in order to keep it all in and it actually physically hurts. You wish you could just open up but you don’t want to say anything so as not to give her any false hope, or to set yourself up for a great fall once again.

Nothing scares you more than to allow yourself to believe in this love, to trust her, to trust your heart. You don’t even trust yourself anymore! When she gently brushes your arm one night, attempting to break the tense atmosphere, you jump up telling her that if you really loved her then you would fetch the stars and the moon from the sky for her, but you won’t because you don’t. She is taken aback. Why the outburst? She can see just how nervous and closed off you are. The conflict in you is so obvious to her. Unafraid, she confronts you about your thoughts, which she can hear, and their conflict with your heart, which she can feel. You feel exposed, vulnerable, fighting to hold all the intense emotions inside, denying any conflict whatsoever exists and counting the days, hours and minutes to when she will be gone again, while at the same time dreading the emptiness that you know will follow.

On the final day, hit by a sudden fear that you might lose her forever if you don’t speak now you tell her that yes, you DO care, you DO want to see her, you could have taken it to the end of the line with her but you are afraid of losing her again. You tell her what it felt like to fall from the pedestal that she had put you on, what it felt like to leave her 5,000 messages and get no answer. You tell her you are afraid that she will disappear again. Secretly you know that she is too wild, too spontaneous and too unpredictable, her emotions so raw, so honest, that your logical mind simply cannot cope. You know that if you let her in, she might just run with your heart and vanish, and you simply cannot bear the take that chance.

As you stand there on a New York City pavement the feel of her lips is still fresh on yours. The letter she has just pressed into your hand is now the only thing that remains of her, along with a million questions unanswered. “Read it when I am gone”, she said. Immediately as you read the first words something stirs deep within you. She always did that; managing to touch places within you that you never knew existed; places that she had befriended all those years ago and then left in unbearable pain. Her words are so beautiful and sincere; they speak the Truth, cutting straight through to the vulnerable, real you – straight to where it still hurts. The inner journey that she is inviting you on is one of overwhelming emotions and of unresolved feelings of loss & freedom, love & longing.


My dearest,

You slipped into my life, so quietly, so comfortably… it seemed you had always been there. Everything felt so natural, so open … Just like running into a good friend you haven’t seen for years. We picked up where we left off, as if there hadn’t been any time lost between us. There was an instant attraction – a strong feeling of “At last!” when I finally found that one soul that remembered how I liked to be held, kissed, and touched. It felt like an electric current of energy flowing between us – the release of the awesome power of polarity of our beings. My soul instantly recognized and remembered you and I felt this on a very deep level within myself. I felt like I had known you forever.

All my feelings of not belonging suddenly dissipated in the comfort of our timeless connection and in the call to return “home” emanating from the cosmos which reassured me that this was the love I’d been waiting for all my life. You touched places within me that I didn’t even know existed. From that first moment, I knew that it didn’t matter what happened or what we became because in itself I had found something so precious and special that it would stand the test of time and that it would always be a part of me. Just having that knowledge felt like a whole new world had opened its arms to me and welcomed me in.

A stream of light fell upon my head. I felt it illumine my deepest secrets and bring them to the surface of my consciousness. I was not pleased to see some of them, yet the others filled me with the glory of the Truth. But what do you do with Truth like that? How do you accept absolutely knowing something you don’t want to know; something that will disrupt everything you’ve so carefully set up? How do you trust the silent voice of your heart above everything you’ve been taught?

I had always known there was more. There had to be. Yet no one around me had told about the things I now knew. There was no reason for me to believe as I did. But as much as I believed and I knew, I struggled to understand it. It simply did not fit any preconceived idea or conception, or resemble anything I knew.

But one thing I learned is that some things cannot be explained. Sometimes some things just have to be expected. Even with no factual proof, no solid substance to hold in your hand and nothing to actually see with your eyes… This thing is undeniably one of those things. It’s pure bliss and unmistakably, from the depths of my soul, something blooms. I feel my soul reaching out to touch, to live and die, to breathe, to dance. This huge energetic vacuum is drawing me to life, to you, with a force that is nearly beyond my imagination. I can feel it pulling and pushing me, attracting and repelling me.

A metamorphosis of awareness, new growth, the feel of you burn intensely in my soul. This connection has taken on a life of its own, and I get swept up in its undeniable magnetic force. Somewhere within me you have awakened a deep inner knowing I must follow, like a salmon swimming upstream, at all costs. The journey must be made. Life has become paradoxical. 24/7 I am aware that I am no longer the same person, some transformation has occurred and I will never be the same again. The ground under my feet, everything I knew for a fact to be true, who I am, all of that is gone in a puff of smoke. And worst of all, the fear that it’s all in my head.

Half of my time is spent going NO: it could never work, I am crazy, he is nobody, I dug my grave now I lie in it, why screw up everyone’s life in addition to my own… I doubt myself, I doubt you… even God. The other half is YESSS… misty, high dreams and visions and flashes of being with you, how it feels, how it is, things you say, the timeless feeling of it… Trying to integrate you in my life makes me crazy; trying to balance you against anything or everything else. Trying to rank things, to decide, it makes no sense. You are completely other, this is a completely other thing than anything else, it just doesn’t relate.

I do not wonder if I know you, my soul knows you for me. My mind confirms this every day for it picks at and tries to make sense of what it cannot. You are the catalyst that reminds me who I am. I rediscover dreams, aspirations, meaning and talent that make who I really am. You have allowed me to remember that I am as magnificent as you, that the wall I have hidden behind isn’t necessary anymore. You are the mirror that magnifies my best attributes, the mirror where I see myself in a new light.

With the rest of the world, I exist in a dream awaiting the finale to a sorrowful play, forever torn between wanting to be all that I am, and playing a role to protect myself and others from rejection, from disappointment, from the consequences of these overwhelming emotions that would swallow me whole if I just opened up… But then you come and lift me up and carry me to a place where in the essence I can just be myself. Where two souls blend magnificently in an unrestricted flow of passion, understanding, feeling, acceptance, compassion and love… What incredible freedom!

Just hearing your voice fills my soul with thoughts of the essence of all existence, of creation and all eternity. Each breath brings renewed life to me and my heart swells with a warm glow from deep within. Inside of me I talk to you and it keeps me sane although it feels insane. At nights you come to me and hold me and I am not even sure whether I am awake or asleep. It is this closeness which sustains me through this void, this empty uncertainty of all that lies before me, yet to come.

You’ve triggered so many thoughts and aspirations which now arise within me that I never really thought about before. I have gone through every possible scenario with you over and over in my head. I ask myself who you are … a friend, lover, twin flame, future husband, soul mate, teacher, an angel? In my heart I know it doesn’t matter. From our first hypnotically momentous encounter to this day to forever, in you, I have found something so unique and miraculous, something that I should only want to set free.

If only circumstances would allow, I would say let’s spend all the days of our lives together, let’s build a home in the country, let’s build a family and rise in love hand in hand to heights that others have rarely even dreamed of. But I know that I cannot simply grant upon you such happiness; that such is a thing we can only do for ourselves. And I don’t want to claim ownership of this love because it does not belong to me.

I still fail a lot, think too much and do not listen to my inner self. I strive for fact and question feelings. Maybe a part of me lives in a dream world that only exists in my head. Maybe it is just a figment of my imagination. Or is it the only reality and everything else an illusion?

If it isn’t real, then neither am I. If it doesn’t truly exist, then there is no reason. There is no love.

It must be real. It is my life. It is my self.

It is the part of me that I have not yet become.

Love, J

As you lift your gaze up from her letter, the thumping sound of your heart beating in your ears is so loud that it drowns out the noise of the big city. Your chest feels tight as each in-breath becomes increasingly painful. You recognise every single word as if they were your own. She has just effortlessly, unassumingly revealed her soul and it is, as you always suspected, a perfect reflection of yours. She KNOWS you, to the core and you have no idea how you are going to handle this.

All the overwhelming feelings that you’ve tried to hide and deny rush to the surface all at once. They bring pain; relentless, soul-deep, shooting pain, like daggers aimed straight at your heart making you gasp for air. Is this a panic attack? You suddenly feel very faint. Everywhere hurts. You now wish you had at least returned upstairs to your apartment before reading her letter. Somehow you know you won’t be returning there today. As you struggle to catch your breath, it hits you that she will soon want to hear from you. The thought of articulating any sort of response to her letter paralyses you with fear. Your knees buckle from underneath you. You are simply not ready.



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