Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

When our search for The One leads us to ourselves


Dear Readers, Friends, Beautiful Souls,

I am sorry for my long absence – I never intended to stay away so long!

THANK YOU sincerely for all your messages and emails asking me whether I will publish something again soon. To cut a very long story short, I was guided to take a few months out to process the growth and lessons of the past two years since my re connection with my beloved and my separation from my husband. As some of you may know, in the last 18 months I got close to my beloved again through long, deep late night chats – our first ones for a decade. Even though he seemed cautious, probably for fear of protecting his marriage and perhaps his heart, he was marvelling at the connection and feeling the pull too, telling me he was sure it was God’s guidance drawing us to each other.

Our chats were, as always, deeply spiritual, eye-opening, reassuring and flirtatious. Just his presence in my life helped me take the steps necessary to initiate the separation from my husband and to withstand the turmoil that followed. He also turned to me for support, for a listening ear – and I could not have been more grateful. I truly do know – or at least understand – him, his soul and spirit, like I know myself. As for the man who he portrays in this life; this persona that he has created… Sometimes that man drives me mad and I wish I didn’t see through him so easily. I find it so hard to get him to pinpoint exactly what he thinks, feels and experiences (funnily, he blamed me for this exact same thing) and when I do, he seems to contradict himself in the next moment. At his worst he is illogical, inconsiderate, aloof … I may be exaggerating a little there but you get what I mean right? I have millions of questions I would love to ask him, face to face, without the weight of expectations, or consequences – and to be honest, until this spring I thought we were getting there.

Unfortunately he has been silent again for the past five months or so; pretty much from the time I stopped writing. It’s no accident that those two things coincided. Only a few weeks earlier our worldly selves had been planning a weekend together at his house, with the purpose of having a long, uninterrupted heart to heart and hopefully some fun. He seemed to be genuinely looking forward to it – until he cancelled on me. It didn’t take long for him to start acting aloof and from thereon it all just unraveled. One night, I woke up with a jolt to a heated conversation in the spiritual realms, with him stating that we aren’t ready. It felt like being kicked off the bed without an explanation. Although I only caught the end of the conversation, it left me with an uneasy feeling. At first I didn’t think anything of it but he stopped contacting me pretty much from that day. My inspiration went too as I felt pushed away from him, the connection and my writing, to deal with “more practical matters” as well as more growth, insights, and unfortunately, hurt.

I know that this is very much how the healing process between us works– if the silences stretch to months it’s not because we intentionally want to ignore each other but because the times of connection and healing follow on from each other – and often the healing requires distance in order to make sense of things without the overwhelming presence of the other. Equally, when the invisible elastic cord between us snaps back, we find ourselves reconnecting again. So, here I am again, feeling the pull once more.

I wanted to share with you briefly what happened after our all-night chat (which I blogged about here) because this is pretty much where I left off. I have a lot to tell but I’ve gotta start somewhere. During the chat in question he had asked me about my spiritual visions/ experiences, telling me that if in deed they were true then I must be an angelic, a Goddess, in which case he would divorce his wife and be like me. He had reassured me that he was not being sarcastic but that he truly wanted me to think about it and enlighten him. I guess I knew better than to overwhelm him with the details of the deep spiritual and personal experiences I have shared with his higher self, however I simply could not help myself. As the inspiration in me grew, one thing led to another and I ended up proposing marriage to him.



No, seriously. I did.


I did.

Now this may seem like a big jump from asking him to accept me back into his life as a friend just six months prior but with the love that surrounded me in that moment it felt right. I hadn’t forgotten that my simple offer of friendship had ignited in him “overwhelming emotions and feelings” which kept him quiet for five months; a silence he had JUST broken…. But the Universe did not simply whisper at me to do it, it shouted – and answering his question just somehow lead me there. Of course I wasn’t talking about just marriage in the traditional, societal way – I was talking about marriage as an act of worship, as a means to get closer to God, as a means to fulfill the divine mandate – as the final step before the return home.

In my letter to him I quoted the Quran heavily since I resonate with its description of true love and a marriage partner the most; and I knew, being Muslim, he would be able to relate to it too. Therefore, in my next blog post which will follow shortly hereafter; rather than share the letter that I wrote him, I wanted to share some of my insights into the Quranic and Biblical quotes surrounding the ideas of marriage, true love and the twin flame journey. It’s a subject that interests me a lot and I would love your comments.

Love, Jonna




For me, there has been no greater joy on this path than the discovery of the Self in the other. No other human bond provides more latitude and depth for this than the Twin flame connection, since it is in the reflection of our truest self in the other that we find our Self, as well as the answers to our deepest existential questions.

Unfortunately, it is also here that we come to know our most devastating pain which does NOT come from seeing them love another, but from having to feel our way out of the proverbial darkness they often unexpectedly leave us in. It is the pain of not knowing “what” or “why”, brought on by their silences, denials, absences, avoidance and contradictions that kills us. It cuts so deep that to make it stop we often literally disconnect from a part of ourselves, just to be able to function. In the midst of it all, we wonder whether the love that we shared with them ever really existed, and if it did, was the reason we lost it because we never deserved it in the first place? The struggle to find our wholeness again, this time not through them but through a deep dive into our soul, is REAL. Yet the journey must be made because it is the only way for us to heal.

With this in mind, I inadvertently happened upon the movie Hancock, featuring Will Smith (John Hancock) and Charlize Theron (Mary Embrey). Having seen the trailer years ago I thought the film would be an action flick about a drunken, arrogant superhero with no past who slowly becomes a better man through his efforts to find himself and his purpose. To be honest, I wasn’t interested, however just as I was about to change the channel the following scene between the two main characters and Ray, Mary’s husband (Jason Bateman) came on. In the scene, Mary tries to explain her connection with Hancock to her husband.

Mary: “Whatever we are, we were built in twos, ok? We are drawn to each other. No matter how far I run, he’s ALWAYS there, he finds me. It’s physics”.

Ray: “What are you saying? Are you saying you two are fated to be together?”

Mary: “I’ve lived a very long time, Ray, and one thing I’ve learnt is: fate doesn’t decide everything. People get to choose”.

Hancock (to Mary, in disbelief): “And you CHOSE to let me think I was here alone?”

Mary: “I didn’t think you’d remember”.

Ray: “Great. So now what”?

Mary: (upset) “I didn’t plan for this”.

Curious, I switched onto channel +1 and watched the film from the beginning. It turns out that what the Hancock movie trailer completely fails to touch upon is the mystical, divine connection between the two main characters, which is effectively the big plot twist of the movie. Hancock is in fact not a comedy about a drunken superhero — but a drama about fate, love, sacrifice – and twin flames.

Hancock is the story of an immortal “superhero” who has lost his identity to alcohol and his memory to amnesia, having woken up 80 years prior in a Miami hospital unable to recall anything of his past or origin. His physical struggle is however only a reflection of his inner turmoil to physically find himself and his true identity, and to act on his purpose in life. I really liked the fact that even though this is a “twin flame movie”, this wasn’t the main focus of the film, but rather it was Hancock’s journey to find himself.

When Hancock rescues the well-meaning Ray from being killed by a train, Ray invites him to dinner at his house and it is here that Hancock meets Ray’s wife, Mary, and son, Aaron. Mary seems to have an instant dislike for Hancock and even warns her husband to not get involved with him. However Ray, always seeing the best in everyone, has a plan to improve Hancock’s public reputation and invites him on a journey of redemption; a journey which Hancock first rejects – only to return to it later.


The battle for the Truth

From the beginning, there is a subconscious knowing for Hancock that there is something going on with Mary that he can’t quite put his finger on, whether it is sexual chemistry or more. When Hancock and Mary are together, everything is stronger and actually a little “off”. Without really understanding the magnetism between them, Hancock finds himself pulled to Mary for answers to his deepest questions; almost as if by understanding their connection he will learn to understand and know himself. What Hancock cannot remember – and what Mary is keeping from him – is that they are twin flames. Having settled into a “normal” life in the matrix as Ray’s wife and mother to Aaron, she wants nothing more than to get Hancock out of her family’s life. Despite this, she cannot help but feel drawn to him.

When Hancock discovers that Mary also has superhuman powers and that he is not the only one of his kind, he demands answers. Initially, like any good twin flame “runner”, she avoids the subject, goes out of her way to tell Hancock what a good man Ray is and how happy she is with him and then eventually turns hostile and extremely protective of her family, warning him to stay away. She wants to keep her “normal” life intact. Although she seems unnecessarily cold towards Hancock, it is only because she knows that this connection, should she give into it, would not come without the complete destruction of life as she knows it; a life that she chose.

Many twin flames, just like Mary, know EXACTLY who the other is upon meeting. Whether they put the twin flame label on it or not, they will (at least subconsciously) know that they are meant to be with this person – no matter how long down the line they feel it will be. Often the arrival of the twin flame catches them by surprise, unprepared, not knowing how to deal with the calling and magnetic pull they’d rather ignore – yet knowing that one day they will have to give into it, because it is WHO THEY ARE.

The thing with this connection is that it engages us fully; and undeniably, when we choose to ignore it we somehow end up ignoring a part of ourselves; in Mary’s case her superpowers and immortality. Having rejected her destiny and purpose in exchange for a “normal” life, she now wants to keep Hancock’s relationship with her and his past a secret as well. This really struck a chord with me because where there is twin flame separation; there is often denial and secrecy, in one way or another. Isn’t this exactly what so many of us experience?  There are certainly moments on this journey where I feel like John Hancock, just figuring it all out, while there’s a chance that my twin flame is like Mary, having known who I am from day one.

In the film, Hancock must battle Mary to discover who he really is. In Hancock’s case, the more he pushes for answers, the more Mary resists, determined to keep Hancock from ruining her “happy life” but likewise determined to live her life apart from him so he can continue to be a superhero. Hiding the true nature of their connection she tells him they were “brother and sister”, but Hancock calls her bluff and threatens to tell Ray. Afraid that Hancock will ruin her marriage, Mary attempts to stop him, causing their argument to spiral out of proportion – exactly like true twin flames. I liked how the film showed the intensity of their disagreement; how exaggerated it all seemed. After the two battle each other to exhaustion Mary finally comes clean and reveals the truth to both Hancock and her husband.

Mary tells Hancock that they are divine, angelic beings created in pairs and drawn to each other across millennia. Unfortunately when the eternal lovers succumb to their fated attraction, their powers fade and they become mortal, which makes them susceptible to aging, injury and death. Mary and Hancock had survived together through numerous lifetimes, for more than three thousand years, until 80 years prior – having succumbed to their mutual desire to live human lives together – they were assaulted on the streets of Miami. With Hancock no longer able to recognize her, and struggling with a moral dilemma over her calling (and his), Mary leaves him in the hospital so he can live and carry on with his mission. Even though she is conflicted about her decision, she chooses separation for the greater benefit of all, including Hancock, who she knows will regain his strength with her away. In a way, she also wants to avoid her destiny by denying her powers.

While Mary eventually falls into a less destructive kind of love with Ray and lives a “normal” human life, Hancock, on the other hand, is lost. Unaware of who or what he is, yearning to be known fully – not least to himself, he wanders aimlessly, aching for a connection that he can’t quite articulate. He ends up following the path of many lost souls and drowns his existential malaise in alcohol while still attempting to rescue lives; often with disastrous results. It is only eighty years later on the other side of the country that he finds Mary once again but due to his amnesia does not recognize her.


Lesson One

The backstory tells us that Hancock and Mary purposely dismissed their calling as angelic beings sent to assist humankind and gave into the temptation of a human life together. In doing so, Hancock ended up not only forgetting his true nature but also opened himself up to the susceptibility of mortality. His amnesia therefore is no accident; it is the direct consequence of him rejecting his calling; indeed, Hancock lost himself because he tried to be something that he wasn’t; he tried to be human when he was really an immortal. It is here the first lesson this film offers: that it is only by accepting our God-given identity and mission that we gain knowledge of the Self, and can lead truly purposeful and happy lives. Everyone, just like Hancock, has the choice to accept or reject who they are called to be – and both these choices have consequences.

Personally, I believe that the call to be true to ourselves and to realize our purpose here MUST COME FIRST. After all, even Hancock found out the truth about himself and his connection with Mary only once he had fully surrendered to his mission with grace and dignity. As long as we are being true to ourselves, twin or no twin, we find the fulfilment we seek. By pursuing our true identity with perseverance, we achieve what we came here to do, whereas if we reject who we are by faux self-rationalization or self-loathing, we fail, living an aimless life, or come to a diseased demise.

Lesson Two

Another lesson in the film revolves around the possibility that sometimes we may have to temporarily sacrifice our heart’s desire for the greater good of all. Of course, at the level of our deepest being, the yearning for our counterpart never goes away: it is how we were created and how we find our way back home. However, what this film suggests is that we may not be meant to live a human existence with our Twin flame – but rather, it is eternity that is reserved for the deepest love of all; the sacred union of the soul. Could it be that perhaps to fulfil our mission on this planet we must temporarily sacrifice our desire to be with them? Is it that we are more valuable to the world if we are apart and focus our energy on healing the world and its people? This is a possibility every twin flame should at least consider. In the film it is only through the sacrifice of their desire to be together that Mary and Hancock can function and complete the mission they came here for.

I can certainly resonate with how loving our Twin flame does not always mean that we have to be with this person, right here, right now… In fact, we can love them with all that we are and still choose to be apart… Sometimes we must step back and allow them to live. Regardless, the love never lessens or goes away and if like Mary and Hancock we acknowledge and accept it as part our Self, we can never truly be without our Twin again. Then, the connection becomes a source of reassurance and comfort for us; and acts as an anchor which not only helps ground us deeper into this human experience, but that also helps us excel in our mission.

Although the film lacks the storybook happy-ever-after of a physical union that often comes with the romanticized idea of twin flames, I actually think that the ending is a realistic and positive one, portraying a serenity and acceptance of the choices that each of the film’s characters has made. It resonated with me that Hancock, now secure in the knowing of who he is, dedicates himself to his mission, content to keep his distance from Mary until the time comes for them to be together again. It resonated with me because this journey is never about the other, it’s about the Self – and no matter what the outer circumstances are it is always within our gift to grow, heal and serve. If truth be told, I think many of us could do with taking a page out of Hancock’s book and use the connection to propel ourselves deeper into our mission, rather than wasting away counting days to a reunion which – by the way – is only a matter of time.


Lesson Three

This leads me to the final and the most important lesson in this film; that union with our counterpart is a CHOICE. To borrow Mary’s words, people get the choose. Indeed, Mary and Hancock are not prisoners of their earthly circumstances, or of their divine calling. For them (and perhaps for us?) there is no right or wrong – just choices. According to the film backstory, all the other angelic beings had already paired up and died, i.e. returned to source. Mary and Hancock could also do so at any time but ONLY once they are ready to leave their human existence, i.e. their work here is done, or because they BOTH choose it – or because they are being called home.

This is a very thought-provoking idea in itself; to see Union as the final step before ascension; as the direct consequence of relinquishing our free will in favour of fate. In order for this to happen, we must be willing to let go of all our resistance, egoistic needs and the search for short term gains and turn our eyes towards Heaven, because in doing so, we gain so much more. We must surrender to the connection and allow it to naturally draw the counterparts together – which it will do, amnesia or not! Like Mary says; it’s physics!

What we did not get to see in the film is that once the Twins heed to the call to pair up and go home, they get to experience sacred union in the human form, before eventually having to “die”. This death is two-fold: first, they die to themselves through the annihilation of the ego, and then finally step off the wheel of reincarnation, away from this ”test bed” that is the Earth and transition through death beyond this physical form and dimension. Here they experience a rebirth, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, and receive eternal life, true sacred union, and God’s pleasure. This is the reassurance that this film offers us beyond the physical and temporary circumstances of the main characters.

Indeed, we die here so that we may rise elsewhere and it is exactly what Twin flames who heed the call have to look forward to – sooner or later.


Although meeting our Twin flame ignites within us a stronger than ever yearning for “home”, for many of us the search for this elusive place started long before we ever heard the term “twin flames”. Perhaps you too recall moments where the distant memory of this place was triggered and you felt a deep longing, sadness or a desire to be somewhere you couldn’t consciously grasp or define? Perhaps like me, you too felt compelled to search for whatever it is that would fill that void and finally grant you inner peace?

My search for “home” started when I was a very small child…. Without knowing anything about reincarnation or even souls, I felt that for some reason I had ended up “in the wrong place”. This was not just about physical appearances (I was dark eyed/haired in a country of blue eyed and blonde haired people); I felt just as out of place inside. I was fascinated with other cultures and languages; particularly North Africa and the Arabic culture (incidentally, where my Twin grew up).

From the age of about 7, I became aware of the presence of another being within my energetic space. In my dreams he would become a real person and we would sit on top of sand dunes under the crescent moon and the stars, looking down on sleepy towns, sharing our hopes and aspirations. Our togetherness, albeit imaginary, became the foundation of many of my childhood games, drawings and stories about eternal lovers hidden behind the veil of illusion; overcoming obstacles to finally be together.

My experience is by no means unusual: many of us maintain a REAL, living connection to our Twin flame YEARS before meeting them. After all, twin flames share the ability to reach out to each other through the boundaries of time and space and many are able to pick up on things, such as their twin’s name, or perhaps where they live. Later in life, some find themselves guided to travel or even to move to a different State, country or continent in order to cross paths with their twin flame. I am one of those who took such a leap of faith after I, aged 17, had a profound experience visiting Paris where I wept with joy feeling myself closer than ever to this elusive “home” I so yearned to find. It was there that I knew I had to settle; and it is there that I met my twin some six years later.

While being in Paris gave me a temporary sense of peace, I spent most of the year leading up to our meeting obsessively travelling the world as far and as wide as I could – and so did my twin. The sense of imminent arrival of this something I had searched for; this something I had wanted so long made me feel restless to the core, until one day, BOOM – there he was. HOME. I knew there and then that it was him that I had been searching for all my life. My life was complete.. I was complete. Needless to say, all my feelings of not belonging that had plagued me since my earliest childhood simply vanished with the realisation that this person -this ONE person – existed and by some miracle not only saw me fully but also loved & accepted what he saw 100%.


Was it a coincidence that we met? Absolutely not… The thing about the journey home is; you never just happen upon it. You have been on this path long before you ever awakened, long before you ever heard the term “twin flames”. In fact, the yearning for home is deeply ingrained within us and being with our Twin satisfies only part of this hunger through the sense of physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment that only they can provide. Our Twin FEELS LIKE HOME to us because they help awaken the memory of the vibration and energy that we held whilst in our original state. The desire of the soul to reunite with itself will always remain, however the craving for the original feeling of oneness with Source, or God will follow sooner or later – and it is here that our journey home truly begins.

Many of us may catch glimpses of “home”in meditation or in dreams and the yearning to return there may at times feel stronger than our desire to continue living in this third dimensional reality. For me and my twin, the yearning for home was felt long before we ever laid eyes on each other. It was also the catalyst for our first reunion, as well as a reoccurring element in our connection ever since.

When I spoke to my Twin for the very first time after ending my three years of running, he asked me: “Where is your home, Jonna?” It was a very poignant question because we were both restless travellers at that time, living thousands of miles away from our places of birth. There was no denying that he was the closest to home that I had ever known, and if there was someone on this planet who I knew would take me there, it was him.

His question stayed with me that night and caused me to write my first ever inspired piece of writing. The words just flowed, as if by Divine grace. I didn’t know much about Twin flames or anything spiritual for that matter but his question stirred something deep within me and I had no choice but to lay my soul bare, speaking about our connection for the first time. This is what I shared with him.

“I thought about our last conversation and especially about when you asked me where I felt my home was.

I have to admit I did not give you my truest reply. You see, nobody ever asked me “Where is your home?”  I guess it’s quite ironic for someone who’s lived in and travelled to so many places. Nobody asked – only assumed. Maybe they thought they knew, maybe no one really cared. But you did: you asked. Now let me answer you from my heart.  

I have felt this all my life. If there was ever something I knew for sure, this was it. The deep longing, the sadness; a strong desire to be somewhere I couldn’t quite consciously grasp or define. There was a knowing in my heart that I was born in the wrong place, under the wrong skies. This is not my soul’s true home, I thought.  

Then came the questions without answers: why was I dreaming of faraway lands? Why did foreign languages come to me with such ease? Why did I identify so much with different cultures? I had the intense feeling that a part of me was somewhere out there, beckoning me … Something was missing and it was calling out to me.  

The older I got the more intense the feeling. Then came the searching; yet not knowing what I was looking for. And the more places I visited, the more obvious it was. Yes, the travelling felt good but none of the places I visited was “home”. But I knew it was out there and the certainty of it kept me going.

You see, “Home” can mean different places to different people but wherever it is, be it a dimension, another universe or the return God, it is that inner space of the heart that gives you an incredible feeling of rightness and warmth within. For those who truly love, home is not a place, it’s a feeling. Home is where you are welcome, accepted and loved. It’s warm, relaxing and open. It’s where our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are. It is a place filled with trust, patience and acceptance of each other’s weaknesses.

Home is where you don’t have to pretend or be on your guard. Instead of envy, irritation and exasperation, there is a great understanding, support, forgiveness and compassion. There is no judging, possessing, controlling, boundaries or competition. This is a place where you are loved more than you are needed.

One day you will all meet the person who will take you there. You will instantly know that you’ve known this person for eons, in many lifetimes and beyond. She is your polar opposite and like magnets you are being pulled together. Yet even in this most powerful energy field, you feel relaxed and totally at ease; engulfed in the warm security on a familiar ground. In their embrace you know you’ve come Home. Time and place are no longer matter.

There is an immediate tie between you which defies verbal description. You recognise yourself in them; those eyes you had looked upon so many times before in so many faces; so deep you could see their soul and touch the feeling of pure light and love inside. Like mirrors reflecting only your true self back to you. 

Your mind, heart and consciousness flow together from the same fountain. She is not only a mirror of mind and spirit, but of the soul, the secret longings and aspirations. You love this person like you love yourself, with no expectations or conditions attached to that love – because you are One. You know that life will never be the same and you feel truly blessed.


She is someone who reads you like an open book, who understands you in ways no one else can. She doesn’t have that raised eyebrow look that the rest of the world does. It is because she knows you inside out, yet the discovery never stops. You share the same soul blueprint and soul energy, the same essence. The vision, feeling and purpose are the same. You are like the two sides of a coin: one but not the same. Together you create the perfect balance and become more than just the sum of your parts; each part fitting the other, interlocking like Roman rings, stretching but never snapping apart. When one moves inward the other fills the gap and when one overflows, there will always be space to send that abundance towards the other.

The power of her love is not in what she tells you to do, but in what you are inspired to be. The measure of her love is not in how much you are able to love her, but in the way you are able to love others as a result of it. She understands that you may need to journey deep within to recognise the other within yourself and that there may be some false turns and mistaken identities in the process. Therefore her love comes with the freedom to explore life with whomever you wish because she knows in the end it will help you find your way back HOME, to her.

This love will not come without its challenges. Being with this person is like cradling your sacred self, but also facing every shadow, every part of yourself, leaving you with nowhere to hide. It has the potential to inspire great inner healing but only through dealing with a part of yourself that you have chosen not to look at for quite some time: the mirror of YOU in the other that reflects all that is within you.

As your mirror, she will make you experience yourself directly, not through your past experiences, beliefs or ego, but through your heart and soul. She’ll make you dig deeper, reach higher, shed light on parts of you that are painful for you to see. She will have no choice but to make you expand and confront yourself. You must be made empty so that light can come in and fill you… 

Some days you will be so lost that you wish she never existed and there are days you believe she never really did, except in your imagination. There will be days when you fail and those days will feel like you are going mad. Other days the mirage transforms itself into the oasis just long enough for you to rest a moment in her arms; just enough to simply “be” and feel her as a part of YOU again.

Sometimes we have to travel long and far before we recognize our true home. We may pass it by like a ship in the night. Maybe we are not ready to face it, maybe we are scared. We do not believe it is possible, we doubt it… So we run from it and keep travelling, searching for a place that feels like home, but isn’t… While we travel, our soul’s flame burns brightly, lighting the way for all parts of the soul that are in separation to return home to the heart of the soul.

So if you ask me where my home is, this is my answer”.

Within weeks of sharing the above with my Twin, we shared a beautiful and intense reunion. Years later, he is still the closest thing to home that I have ever known and I know one day we will return “home” together. For me, our ultimate homecoming will be the return to our original state of Oneness; a return to source, to our eternal life. Seeing the twin flame connection and all its challenges and blessings as simple steps towards this return gives me a sense of peace that I might otherwise have struggled to gain.

Please be reassured that even if your Twin flame is not physically part of your life, there IS comfort to be found in their energetic and spiritual presence. Earth itself begins to feel more like home, just because they are here. You see, the journey home takes us beyond the desire of a physical connection into the fulfilment of a “deeper longing than the flesh”; that of a shared consciousness. At this level you are already ONE; you are already in UNION – even when everything else is up for grabs. Even when your Twin flame is not physically present, you can still heal, evolve and continue to live without feeling like you are missing something inside. In fact, the twin is within you for you to connect with; for you to enjoy and love, be it near or far. Settling into this joyous realization is part of coming home.






Dear Readers and friends,

As you may recall, back in December I launched a giveaway to benefit the adoption of Evan, a 4-year old orphan from Eastern Europe. Today, I have some amazing news to bring you about Evan – as well as the giveaway!! I will also be announcing the winners!

First of all, a huge THANK YOU to all of you who donated, shared, blogged, prayed and held Evan in your hearts this past month! Together we raised an amazing $665!! I cannot tell you how proud I am of us as a community and as human beings! You are AMAZING!! I am also very excited to tell you that just a few days before the giveaway ended, the Orta family received a donation of $5,000 from a person they had come to know in the adoption circles and this, together with the money we raised, paid for the final part of the adoption. 🙂

Right this moment, the Orta family is in Armenia (Evan’s country) and in a few weeks, they will be able to return to the United States with him. On the 19th January 2016, he officially became their son and now goes by the name “Edgar”. I am delighted to be able to share the first pictures of them as a family of four!edgar3 edgar2

So now it’s my turn to announce the giveaway winners! As promised, I’ve allocated an entry for each $10 donated.winners

Breathing Underwater book – Jill Preshong & Victoria Harrison – ladies, please get in touch as I don’t have your contact details.

The other winners are: Bala Ramya R., Shivany, Laurie Z., and Inbar Y.

I will be emailing the winners individually however if you are a winner, can you please email me your postal address at mirrorofmysoulblog@gmail.com so that I may get the items posted out to you 🙂 Thank You!!

glitter congratulations


When twin flames meet, a powerful creative surge born out of the ignition and blending of their energetic and vibrational bodies completely shatters their illusion of time and space and is felt by BOTH Twins. This expansion is so powerful that it dissolves everything in its way to reveal the very special gift the Twin flame couple share: that of being able to bring forth that which is pure Spirit into the physical field of Creation. As creative expressions of God’s divine design, the Twins have within them the ability to co-create a new paradigm to replace the old. It is the very reason that Twin flames came here; to bring forth the NEW from the higher vibrational realities.

For the female twin, this creative surge is – certainly initially – felt in energetic pulsations originating in the lower pelvic and heart regions. Combined with the flow of kundalini, these sensations create an intense pull in the female reproductive organs, as old sexual cords to previous partners are “burnt” away and hidden DNA structures within our womb and ovaries (ethereal and physical) are activated. Feeling this region “come alive” and connect with our heart centre in such a vibrant and all-encompassing way is an intense experience which eventually pulls us out of the one dimensional way of feeling the connection (physical, sexual) into the multidimensional reality of cosmic Oneness.

One of the things this creative pulse often brings to surface is the need to procreate; after all, where else to pour this immense love than in the creation of a child together? Undeniably, for some of the incarnated counterparts currently being reunited this coming together involves having a child together, however for the majority it does not. Often this is simply not part of the Divine purpose the Twins are brought together. This however represents a problem and a dilemma for those Twins who are still trying to make the connection fit the old relationship template where the heart-pelvic pull alongside its biological effects would push the woman and man into physical union in order to conceive a child, thus continuing the cycle of life and binding the parents together for life. The twin flame couple however hardly needs this to form a lasting bond; they are already part of each other on all possible levels; spiritual, ethereal, emotional and energetic. Neither do they need to procreate in order to continue the cycle of life; the atomic and energetic merging and cosmic dance of their opposing polarities births the NEW continuously in multiple dimensions, thus endlessly perpetuating the cycle of life.

Undeniably though, the ignition of the seed of divine love and creative power definitely pushes the female twin’s cosmic creative and nurturing abilities up a notch or two; often bringing to the surface the yearning to have a child with our twin flame. We are still human after all; with our hormones and biological clocks, and with motherhood built deeply into the layers of our psyche and social status. For many of us, becoming a mother is something we know we want to experience.

While there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a child with our Twin flame, it is rarely something that organically happens in the Twin flame connection. The dynamic of the connection (geared towards self-realisation and return to Source rather than the often karmic task of child-rearing) rarely brings us the Union we dream of within the time-frame of our biological urges and abilities to create a child. Often, the female Twin ends up frustrated, wondering what she should do. On the one hand, she loves her Twin and KNOWS they are meant to be together. She wants the whole shebang with him: babies, marriage, mission, ascension… BUT the Twin is not available and perhaps even denies the existence of the connection. Either way, he is miles from being ready to procreate with her. On the other hand, she may have an existing life partner or perhaps a new man she knows she could have a comfortable life and family with – and more importantly, who wants her, NOW. What is a woman to do?83648c7c00b61b212f12e2485a7a154c

Oftentimes added to the dilemma is the fact that the woman is being bombarded by signs, dreams and visions of a child that she and her Twin are to have together. These dreams are so real and lucid, and often cross the veil between dream-time and our awakened state; bringing life-like sensations and experiences to us that stay with us for the rest of our life. It is hard to understand how to consolidate these with the reality of the connection (i.e. the silences and absence of our Twin); and with the love felt yet denied.

Bringing children forth onto the earth plane is a personal and individual decision, and not every Twin flame couple has chosen to partake in the hosting of newly incarnating souls together. Nevertheless, if it is in YOUR life purpose to assist with the rearing of a new soul, you WILL be made aware of this. Since the etheric birth cords form months before conception, it is not uncommon for the child to enter into communication with the future parent through dreams and visions. Life always finds a way and any child that is meant to born will be born; either with an existing partner or through a new whirlwind relationship, where the other twin quickly moves on and conceives a child.

Even though in such cases the child may not be biologically created by you and your Twin flame, it is the energy of the Union which has attracted the soul to you; after all, every soul wants to be born into the vibration of unconditional love. In fact, often one or both Twins sense that the conception happened during an astral meld between the Twin flame couple, indicating that our Twin flame is in fact the child’s spiritual parent. Often the male will feel the pregnancy even before the female does, even when the two are in no contact, and he may even feel the fetus’ heartbeat and movements within his own ethereal body.

From this it is clear that all the children born to either of the Twin flame couple are children of the union, regardless of who biologically fathers the child. Having a child with another may be part of agreements we must fulfil before Union; bringing important lessons of love, gratitude and responsibility for the twin flame parent; lessons which often assist the Union rather than going against it. In addition, the twin flame separation (which can last years or even decades) often provides the necessary gap in which to rear a family with a karmic connection – our maternal instincts take over and for a while we are able to put the twin flame union into the back-burner as we concentrate on raising the child(ren).

If you have or are contemplating stepping away from the twin flame connection to have a family with someone else, please do not feel guilty about it. You never know what the future holds but if you and your Twin flame are meant to reunite somewhere down the line it will happen, children or not. Allow the flow of life to take you where it needs to without worrying about the “what if’s”. On the other hand, if you are on the receiving end of the pain that comes with the reality that your Twin flame is having a child with another, please know this: no matter how you feel about it now, no one trapped your Twin into having this child. In fact, this child did not get created without YOUR consent. Drop the drama: if you are truly Twin flames, loving this child as part of the unconditional love you extend to your Twin flame will not be hard for you. In fact, many twin flames feel a deep parental bond with each other’s children, even though they may have never met them. Ultimately it does not matter how the child came into existence: you are always spiritually bonded to each other’s children; the child always a child of your heart.


Years ago I too went through a time of intense yearning for a child with my Twin flame. This craving seemed to be born out of my kundalini awakening and the unconditional love flowing through me; boosted by his first words to me after three years apart about how much he still wanted to marry his “polar opposite” and have children. Considering that he had once upon a time referred to me as such, it was hard for me not to link the two together when we subsequently passionately reunited and I started to have constant dreams, flashes and visions about giving birth. My 30th birthday was fast approaching and at that point I had been in the same long-term relationship for the past 8 years, knowing I did not want to bring children into it.

Nevertheless, as any woman who has ever felt the biological and hormonal NEED to procreate will tell you, I knew I was to have this child, no matter what. It wasn’t just the sound of my biological clock ticking; I was feeling “spiritually urged” to receive this child and sure enough soon the laughter of my children was resonating through all the dreams where my Twin flame also appeared. Unfortunately even when we seemed to share many of the same dreams, he denied the presence of children in his. It was hard not to get disheartened with his harsh “I never saw you as the mother of my children” when I was only trying to make sense of it all. For me those children were already real.

One particular dream that stuck to my mind was one where I gave birth to a baby boy. I remember lying on a hospital bed, surrounded a lot of people dressed in white, with my twin flame stood on my right side. To this day I remember the feeling of the baby’s floppy, warm body being laid onto my naked chest, the way he moved, the weight of him. I remember the feeling of his wet hair as I ran my fingers through it. Having never even held a new born baby, I was amazed to have the sensory accuracy of this experience confirmed to me a year or so down the line. In the dream, I distinctly remember my twin leaning in and whispering something in Arabic in the baby’s ear. I recognised it as the Islamic call to prayer. Of course I didn’t know it at the time, but according to the Islamic tradition, the first words a new baby should hear are the call to prayer – and it is the father who whispers this into the baby’s right ear. It is certainly no coincidence that my Twin soon thereafter told me that he had started to read the Quran and was finding a lot of comfort in it, and in fact years later he converted to Islam.earthmama

For a while I was quietly convinced that I was meant to have children with him; after all, it seemed too random that I would have been woken up spiritually after years of separation, reunited with him and then bombarded by visions of a child together – only to be denied both the reunion and the child. On the contrary, it made perfect sense that we were meant to do this together; we both wanted children and dreamt of a similar life; sharing deep values and love. Yet the reality of the connection was that he was now pulling away again, having told me he had “done his soul searching” and decided to remain in his marriage.

A few months later, still riding the wave of confusion between my Twin’s hints at deep feelings and denials of any possible future with me, I had another series of visions and dreams. In one that particularly stuck in my mind I was back in my native country, browsing around in a shop with my mother and three children, two boys and a girl. The weather outside was wet and cold, which made me think of late autumn weather. Suddenly my phone rang and I was surprised to hear my Twin’s voice on the other end. Clearly he had not called me for a very long time. He basically told me that I was the one he had always loved and how he wasn’t afraid anymore. After all these years, he was finally ready to be with me and to see where the road would take us. I fell down on my knees sobbing out of sheer relief.

The dream stayed with me vividly for many reasons; one of which was that it was clear these children were mine but not his. They were no longer babies either; indicating that the separation had been long. The dream had been just as real as the others, yet I refused to entertain the idea that these precious children were not going to be my Twin’s. I simply could not see how I could ever want another man after the intense purification I had gone through to reach this vibration of unconditional love for him.

Nevertheless, a few months later it became clear that I was paying too high an emotional price for hanging on. After one last conversation which confirmed to me that this was not meant to be, I left everything behind and set off to the travel the world. Unexpectedly I met a man who seemed to know what he wanted and who was serious about building a family together. I remember looking at him and just knowing I was meant to have children with him. This man was a God-sent: unlike my Twin, he was there for me every step of the way as I finally once and for all moved on from the abusive relationship I had been in.

When we married six months later I was already pregnant with our first child, a boy. When my Twin found out about my marriage and pregnancy, he remained silent and did not even congratulate me. It was only once the baby was born and I sent him a picture that he tearfully replied, telling me how emotional he felt seeing me holding the baby with my “tender maternal yet firm” arms. I knew things had unfolded just as they were supposed to, however it took a decade for my children, two boys and a girl, to grow enough for me to remember and recognize them as the children in my dream. They are exactly as I envisioned them all those years ago.

In conclusion, it is true that we as women have been blessed with the ability to act as portals between the Spirit world and the human experience and that many of us will accept the task of bringing new souls into this world, even if this is unlikely to be with our Twin flame. However beyond the decision to have children together or not, Twin flames are always co-creators, always love, always One. They share the gift of authentic heart creation, as well as shared responsibility to nurture and help ripen the seed of divine love, ignited by the male in the woman. She often bears the burden of this seed until it is ready to manifest into the physical world, very much as if she was carrying a child. In the meantime, the twin flames have a duty to use their creative impulses and the gift of authentic heart creation to advance their own spiritual journey, help others and to bring balance to their Union.essence_of_life_by_inertiak


CLICK HERE to share Reece’s Rainbow on Your Blog! Thank you!


I wanted to ask you all to consider helping me make a very special Christmas wish come true for the amazing Orta family (GA, USA) who are looking to rescue and bring home a little boy from an Eastern European orphanage in January 2016. So please, if you’ve gotten value from this blog in 2015 and you are feeling charitable and Christmassy, please consider donating to Bring Evan Home.

To encourage your donations, I have decided to do GIVEAWAY. For each $10 donated, you will get one entry into the prize draw which will be drawn at noon GMT on the 18th January 2016. if you donate $50, you will get 5 entries & so on. Winners will be notified on the same day – and items posted by airmail on the 19th January 2016.

If you want to be entered into the giveaway, all you need to do is to forward a copy of the “Thank you for your donation to Help us rescue Evan from the orphanage!” email which you will receive from GoFundMe to my email at mirrorofmysoulblog@gmail.com. If you have already donated, you will be entered into the prize draw automatically (unless of course you donated anonymously, in which case you should forward me your confirmation).

The Story of why you should support Evan

Six years ago when as I was expecting my daughter (who had been prenatally diagnosed with Down Syndrome) I came across Reece’s Rainbow. Reece’s is a US based charity which helps to advocate and find families for orphans with Down’s Syndrome (DS) and other special needs by raising funds or adoption grants and promoting awareness. While nowadays it is possible for many individuals with DS to live happy and fulfilling lives, in many places around the world children like my daughter are abandoned shortly after birth and viewed as outcasts with no ability to learn or to be functional members of society. Often these children are transferred into adult mental institutions at a very young age (in some countries as young as 5) and many don’t live to see their 6th birthday.

I was so deeply touched by the stories of children like my daughter from all around the world that a year or so after her birth I found myself drawn into advocating and fundraising for orphaned children with DS (without knowing it, my Twin flame was also active in the adoption circles at the time; trying to adopt a boy and a girl with his wife). Then, BOOM, back in 2013, one little boy on Reece’s website stole my heart – Meet Evan!


Evan is a 4-year old little boy from Eastern Europe who was abandoned at just one month old because he has Down Syndrome. Isn’t he just precious!!! Unfortunately where he is from, children like him face a life behind crib bars, with no medical care, few diaper changes, fed broth maybe once a day, rarely (if ever) held or taken outside. So when at the beginning of 2014 I saw that a family from Georgia, USA, had committed to giving Evan a forever home, I got in touch with Christie (the mum) to see how I could help.


Just like me, the Orta family had fallen in love with Evan the moment they saw his sweet face on Reece’s Rainbow. They are an amazing family with so much love to give. In their hearts he is already their cherished son and a much adored little brother to Laura. They have everything Evan needs to live a fulfilling and happy life: not only will he have so much LOVE, but all his medical and therapeutic needs will be taken care of. His new mum Christie is an Early Childhood Special Education teacher with many years of experience working with children with disabilities (including DS).

The total cost of Evan’s adoption is about $38,000 and the Ortas along with family, friends (including me) and the Community have already raised a bulk of this through their fundraising efforts in the past 2 years! They are now preparing for a final trip to Eastern Europe to bring Evan home in January 2016 (flights are already booked!!), however they still need to raise about $5,000 to complete the adoption. So dear readers, friends and fellow bloggers who read me in your thousands every day from all around the world…  You may not be in a position to adopt a child but maybe you are in a position to help ONE CHILD find a home? Maybe you could give $5 or maybe $50 or maybe more? 100% of donations received will go directly to Evan’s adoption. This fundraiser does not benefit me in anyway – and for those of you in the US, your donations are tax deductible.

You can donate directly to the Orta’s GoFundMe page: https://www.gofundme.com/4wdtv0

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for anything that YOU are able to contribute…even if you are only able to share Evan’s story with your friends and family. Every child deserves a loving home and a family – and I want to ensure this time next year there is at least one orphan less in the world!

God Bless you all and have a lovely holiday season.

Love, Jonna  xx


The Twin flame connection carries enormous transformational potential but also comes with a higher purpose; that of bringing new paradigm of heart-based living and spiritual partnerships to the Earth through the clearing of lower vibrational templates. When we as twin flames agreed to take on these patterns as part of our blueprint we knew that the deeper and darker the pattern within us, the brighter the influx of healing light and love on the planet when this pattern was released. It is for this very reason that many of us chose to incarnate into some of the most dysfunctional families on earth – so that through our personal growth we could bring maximum benefit to all.

Being born into a wounded family, we could so easily slip down the path of dysfunction ourselves. Yet no matter what our lives are like, we all have the same opportunity to start anew with each day that is gifted to us. Sure enough, the struggle to break the cycles of abuse and addiction is real, but so is the potential for transformation allowing us to become more than the sum of our upbringing and inherited patterns. Since our growth is often reflected in the types of relationships we attract into our lives, the “rite of passage” for many Twin flames is the relationship with a narcissist, who often comes into our life as a “near twin” or a karmic partner prior to our meeting with the Twin flame.

It is a fact of life that as born healers and empaths, we tend to gravitate towards those who are wounded and in need of healing. We easily tap into the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, understanding them intuitively; however we also often lack the ability to guard ourselves energetically, or to lay down healthy boundaries. This narcissist on the other hand is not interested in healing: he is a taker, an energetic vampire, ready to suck the life out of the kind-hearted empath. He has no self-love and no interest in hiding his needs: after all if he did these might be ignored. The empath, unable to see this manipulative agenda, quickly becomes attached to the narcissist in an attempt to “fix” him and heal all his pain – believing that as long as they do this he will love them back and not abandon them. Yet the more the empath offers their love and care, the more the narcissist’s grip on them tightens, sinking them deeper and deeper into despair.

Many twin flames have experienced these kinds of destructive dynamics prior to meeting each other and many are in such a relationship when they meet. Needless to say, this causes a lot of turmoil and it may be difficult for the Twin flame partner to understand why the other finds it so hard to leave. The thing is, in this dynamic the empath’s self-esteem comes to depend on the narcissist’s acceptance and love. They are desperate for it – even when the relationship is not working. When attempts to leave the relationship are met with a barrage of manipulation and emotional blackmail, the empath blames themselves for not having tried hard enough. They feel responsible for making the narcissist feel good and so even when they meet the Twin flame, this wanting to “fix” the narcissist stays with them, now with the added weight of guilt.


In my pre-Twin life, I endured years of abuse at the hands of a man I met when I was just 20. He was simply the funniest, most charming and romantic man I had ever met and I fell madly in love with his joie de vivre, sense of humour and spirit for adventure. Of course, for a long while I was completely oblivious to who he actually was – or to his past. Youngest of five siblings, abandoned by his violent father and raised by his immigrant mother in one of the most deprived suburbs of Paris, he had dropped out of school at 16 and fallen into a life of petty crime and unemployment. The repercussions on his life and character were huge yet in my eyes none of this mattered: after all, I was here now ready to show him what love could do.

From the start, our relationship was one with huge ups and down. His temper would flare up, I would get upset, and he would make it up to me with romantic gestures and so on. The dynamic was exhausting but highly addictive. When the abuse appeared about a year into the relationship through a gradual process of degrading remarks, guilt-trips and then physical violence, I did not know how to handle it. I forgave him, refusing to believe that he would intentionally hurt me: he was only doing it because he had suffered too. Perhaps I had said something to warrant such a strong reaction? It was my naïve belief that I could change him that made me stay. I wanted to show him that I would not hurt him like the rest of the world had. The truth was that I needed him as much as he needed me, and I was desperate for his love. And perhaps – and this is where the patterns passed down the family bloodline start to make sense – I also believed that “true love” did require such commitment and sacrifice.

It took me years and years to even realize that this dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship was almost the exact replica of my grandparents’ toxic marriage which had cast a shadow over three generations of our family. Growing up, I had often heard the stories… My grandfather beating my grandmother up with a hammer… My grandma being admitted to a mental asylum for psychosis… Pictures and cassette recordings of my grandad sat in his living room drunk shouting obscenities… Or simply the tales of my own mother marrying the first man who took her away from the hell that was her childhood. Bit by bit, the reality of my family bloodline became clearer to me.

As a child, I had never understood why my grandmother chose to stay and play the martyr in that marriage all those years (55 to be exact). Now I found myself in a very similar situation. Even though I tried to leave more times than I care to remember, the huge ups and downs never gave me the time to get my head straight. When things were good, they were fantastic and it was easy to become complaisant. He was extremely charismatic and manipulative and had a powerful way of turning things around; always making sure I knew he blamed me for his pain. When I emotionally exhausted struggled to understand his behavior, he would tell me there was something wrong with me or that I was “making a fuss”. For my own sanity I always ended up adjusting to what I was being told, allowing the vicious cycle to continue.


This man obviously was not my Twin flame and I never mistook him for one, although they came from the same Muslim country. Ironically this man’s tendency to push me past my comfort zone was what got me started in the career and job which actually led me to my Twin flame. In a further twist, I met my Twin flame on the day of our 5th anniversary. Meeting him, as you can imagine, was like being pulled into another dimension. I went from complete desperation into a world of love, hope and validation in an instant – everything about “me” finally made sense as I saw my true self reflected back in his eyes. I knew immediately what a LIE my life had been and how I had been selling myself short all these years. Within days, after an entire night spent walking around Paris with my Twin, I went home and tried to end the relationship. Just like so many times before, it ended up in a fight.

The weeks that followed were both the best and worst times of my life. I was spending every possible moment with my Twin while simultaneously being forced to deal with my boyfriend’s emotional displays; ranging from angry, threatening and violent to suicidal, depressed and deeply distraught. I didn’t want to tell my Twin how difficult I was finding it all; after all, it should have been a no-brainer: abusive co-dependency or true love and freedom? Looking back, my twin probably thought I was “choosing” between him and my boyfriend (and he often indicated this), however this was never the case; I just didn’t know how to deal with the guilt or my boyfriend’s pain without wanting to fix it. I kept agreeing to see him, trying to help and suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse on several occasions because of it; he even kicked down the door of my rented property in a rage. Yet even when I called the police terrified of what he’d do to me, I was the one who felt guilty.

Although my twin knew about the incident with the door, I avoided telling him the full extent of my troubles. Being with him made all the bad things just fade away and I didn’t feel like the relationship with my boyfriend was anything that he would or should be concerned about. I naively thought that I had a lot of time to let my boyfriend go “smoothly”, and that at the end of it I would be free to pursue this new reality with my Twin; as friends, lovers or whatever. How wrong was I! Unfortunately, pretty much as soon as my boyfriend took a step back, my Twin jumped back two! It was unexplainable as we had been joined at the hip for weeks. Now however I was suddenly at the bottom of his priority list.

Little did I know my Twin flame (who had told me he was separated from his wife when we met) was also struggling with his feelings of guilt regarding leaving his marriage; he too was dealing with suicide threats and emotional blackmail. He ended up giving me a whole speech about how we were just friends (with everything else being an “added bonus”) and how his duty was to his wife.  I UNDERSTOOD him and his situation 100% since it was not dissimilar to mine, yet instead of bringing us closer it pulled us apart. He blamed me for having expectations – and I accused him of denying our connection. One day, he turned to me and said “If only we had magical wands to fix each other’s issues: you’d fix mine and I’d fix yours”… Yet somehow, even in the midst of trying to fix others, we knew this was not how OUR connection was wired.

Before I could really address the growing distance between us, his wife arrived for a visit and I pulled back, out of respect and hurt. I ended up running and blocking him, unable to deal with the mixture of rejection, loneliness, heartbreak and soul-searing pain coming my way. I no longer recognized myself: this grief-stricken, sobbing emotional wreck of a woman was not me. I just wanted to feel “normal” again. After a few weeks spent gasping for air like a fish out of water curled up on the floor of my Parisian basement flat, I began attempting to grab hold of ANYTHING that could pull me out of this hell hole – and it was my boyfriend who held out his hand. As crazy as it sounds, he reminded me of how uncomplicated my unconscious pre-twin life had been: how easy it had been NOT having to face myself and NOT having every dysfunction in my life cruelly highlighted to me. All I wanted was to forget all the pain.

Eventually I reasoned that I might as well return to what was familiar to me, i.e. my relationship with my boyfriend, because no matter how toxic, it was also predictable and “safe. He wasn’t perfect but we had a lot of history, and he had been the only thing that kept me from going insane during the darkest days of feeling the loss of my Twin. I reasoned with myself that this is what love is: attachment, taking care of each other, needing each other, compromise. I knew that if the immense love that I had just experienced for my Twin could not pull me away from my desperate situation then NOTHING and no one could do it. With it gone so were my dreams. The truth was that the person I thought would be my saviour didn’t even care enough to treat me as a friend. Instead, he made an empath’s bigger fear come true, i.e. “If I open myself up and show that I have needs, I will be abandoned”.

I knew I couldn’t go back to living the life I had before and so in the months that followed the whole dynamic of my relationship with my boyfriend changed; mostly because I no longer acted like a victim. We embarked on the spiritual path together, travelling the world – and I genuinely felt happier for a year or two, until pushed by my kundalini awakening I returned to my Twin, not knowing what to expect or even why I was doing it. Despite the highly emotional union which confirmed that the connection was mutual, real and true, the old issues and triggers came to the surface again. Both our dysfunctional relationships were still part of our lives – and while each of us at different points in the next year tried to leave we ended up triggering each other into another separation.

Nevertheless, the ignition from my twin was so powerful the second time around that I knew I needed to get out of my toxic relationship regardless of what he chose to do. It was no coincidence he was back in my life, and I knew it. The year that followed was the most intensive of my life as I faced a barrage of threats, violence and insults from my boyfriend followed by tears every time I brought up the subject of separation – while simultaneously being pushed internally to keep doing just that. By this point, I had been with my boyfriend for 10 years; of which I had known my twin for 5. During this time he had managed to alienate me from family and friends and gotten me into thousands of pounds worth of debt. I even left my job that I loved in an attempt to get away from him.

In February 2007, things finally went down with my boyfriend but it was not the amicable ending I had always hoped for. With the pressure of the impending separation, one night he assaulted me with a kitchen knife, holding me hostage in my own flat and threatening to kill me. After an entire night of being battered around by him I finally managed to lock myself in the bathroom and call the police who came and arrested him. Yet my ordeal was far from over. After he was released on bail pending trial, I endured several months of harassment from him despite the restraining order that was in place. I genuinely feared for my life and was terrified to leave my house. At the edge of a mental breakdown and having failed to reason with him (because like a fool I still tried) I had him arrested when he returned to shout threats through my intercom. This was the last time I saw him as he was remanded in custody pending trial.

A few months later, as the trial date was only a few days away, I received the devastating phone call telling me my boyfriend had committed suicide in custody. He had addressed his suicide note to me, insisting he had never wanted to hurt me and blaming his desperate action on my misunderstanding of his behaviour and motives. It was his final attempt to destroy me.

This person, for all the pain that he caused me, also delivered some of the biggest lessons in my life – lessons that it would take me years to truly understand. He taught me what can happen when we overstay relationships under the pretext that we care about the other person and feel “responsible” for them. He also taught me that loving someone does not always mean sticking by them no matter what – discernment MUST be used to determine whether our actions support their/our soul or ego. Furthermore, since by default our nature is to be always on the lookout for someone to love (and ultimately fix), we must always treat ourselves with at least the same compassion that we have for others. We must always remember that the way others treat us is not reflective of our true value, but of how we ALLOW them to treat us. As such, healthy boundaries and self-love are absolutely crucial to an empath’s survival!

Sadly one of the reasons so many Unions are being held back is that a lot of Twin flames are still walking wounded, either recovering from or still struggling with the abusive, narcissist and co-dependent partners and relations. Many still believe they have no choice, hiding behind their unfulfilling marriages or their Twin flame’s “rejection” of their connection. Many feel things simply didn’t “work out” (i.e. they didn’t get what they wanted exactly when they wanted it), however the truth is that we cannot EVER expect to permanently jump from dysfunction straight into a new reality and vibration with our Twin flame. Some serious self-work is needed, including a deep-dive within to release all the patterns keeping us stuck in the very victim mentality which has made us give our power away. The new patterns which enable Union have to emerge within ourselves first before the higher call for Union can bring the Twins back together – after all, our Twin flame cannot come to us until we love all parts of our Self; until we are all that we seek.


Twin flames have a very special role to fulfill in this time of earth’s ascension to a higher frequency. As volunteers to this 3rd dimensional plane of existence, we came here to anchor, emanate and demonstrate the new paradigm energies in order to raise the vibratory pattern of humanity as a whole. Then why is it, you ask, that when we “wake up” from our human slumber we are far from feeling like powerful, co-creating spiritual super heroes ready to take on the Matrix? In fact, when we awaken to the Twin flame experience and its cosmic call to assist humanity, we often find ourselves barely afloat in the fish soup of the lower human experience, stuck in the nitty gritty of everyday struggles; relationships and marriages that fail to nourish us, overwhelming family dynamics and soul destroying jobs, cracking under cultural and religious demands, in endless cycles of financial struggle, or perhaps generally watching our life’s course steer to the opposite direction of what we as a young child gazing at the stars dreamed of… Truly, the examples here are many.

Yet Twin flames come here as co-creators, to bring on a NEW paradigm, a higher love, a more authentic way of living and relating. Each of us comes here for a specific mission. So, why are things made so difficult for us? Why is it that once we begin grasping at just what our “true nature” is, we also realize just how far disconnected from it we are and how much work still lies ahead of us? Firstly, it is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with us; we didn’t fail and we aren’t being punished. These struggles are meant to push us towards the discovery our highest potential; after all, the Universe works in paradoxes: from adversity comes strength, from dependence comes independence, from darkness comes light. Sometimes we only see the way up once we lay in tatters on the proverbial floor – and that’s ok. Then there is only one way to go, after all.


The clearing of all patterns must come first

For Twin flames, there is also a deeper, spiritual reason why we must experience the old dysfunctional templates and patterns. In fact, as surprising as it may seem, we willingly agreed to be born into bloodlines with negative lower frequency patterns as part of our mission. The master plan was to take on these dysfunctional patterns and templates and to integrate these into our own energetic blueprint, with the intention of clearing them later in life for the benefit of our bloodline and earth’s vibrational ascension. For some this may seem contradictory; after all we came here to transform the old and bring in the NEW, not to fit in!

Unfortunately we possess no “magic wand” to transform the dense darker realities of the human experience; our only hope lies in the mastery of our Self. To create change, we must BE the change, meaning that the change that we wish to bring into this world must start from WITHIN. We cannot expect to bring in the new unless we first rid ourselves of the old debilitating patterns on all levels of OUR being. Furthermore, we cannot hope to assist others unless we have experienced first-hand how the process of spiritual growth and purification works.

Therefore, for maximum impact on both personal and universal level, we picked families and surroundings that did not energetically resonate with us and where we often felt misunderstood and out of place. Born emphatic, we were naturally aware of other people’s energies and emotions from a young age, and sought to make them feel better so we didn’t have to feel their pain, disappointment etc. Often, such as in my case, the vibrational misalignment made us feel like we were born into the wrong family and culture. It was unexplainable, especially if we had a happy childhood with a family that loved us. However since it is always the strongest vibration which dominates, not necessary the highest, we eventually lowered our vibration in order to “fit in” and to avoid negative attention, disappointment and even abuse. These distorted patterns follow us into adulthood, and repeat themselves in our friendships, relationships and marriages, attracting darkness into our life and keeping us in a state of spiritual amnesia, disconnected from our divinity.

The impact of meeting our Twin flame

To clear these patterns and to reconnect with our true potential we must go through a process of purification, surrender and self-realization. For many of us, this transformation to remember who we truly are and to activate our soul’s purpose begins when we meet our Twin flame. With them, our heart and consciousness enter into what seems an unstoppable expansion, perfectly matching, reflecting and resonating with theirs – it is a familiar energetic “fit” and Oneness unlike anything we have ever known. Everything within this shared vibrational bubble becomes heightened while all the old realities of our human lives seem to fade into the background. We become acutely aware of the energetic suppression we’ve lived under, and even with the “vibrational codependency” of our pre-twin life still deeply ingrained in us we find ourselves feeling more alive than ever, recognizing the blueprint and energetic signature we share. They feel like “home” to us.asnesion 1

Unfortunately, while meeting our Twin flame opens up a whole new world of energetic and vibrational possibility and helps bring us closer to our Divine blueprint, it is impossible for us to maintain this higher vibrational state with the old patters still weighing us down. Sooner or later, usually within weeks or a few short months crisis hits the couple and separation ensues. More often than not, one or both twins return to their lower vibrational relationships and situations – or jump head first into new ones. While many see this as a fear-driven, often contradictory reaction, this too happens to a reason. Firstly, the twins cannot complete their deep introspection and cleansing with the overwhelming presence of their Twin in their life. After all, the process is already an emotionally intense one, and any contact with the Twin only seems to highlight this. Secondly, the twins are often completely unprepared for the negative patterns, conflicts, dilemmas, fears and insecurities the connection brings to surface and so they return to their old lives for “respite” because it’s the only stability they can find.

Thirdly, the pursuit of the high-vibrational twin flame connection conflicts strongly with the necessity to clear the old dysfunctional patterns. The Twins find themselves being energetically pulled into two opposing directions. Since the priority is always on mission and service, the clearing of old “karma” from the ancestral blueprint MUST come first, ahead of the physical union. Since twins share no karma and cannot interfere with the karmic work the other must complete, they naturally gravitate towards those who can help them do this, i.e. the karmic husbands, wives, partners, family members etc. These people will remain part of their earthly experience until they are no longer needed, at which point, if the twins so choose, the Universe assists them to move on.

If we are lucky enough to be able to maintain contact with our Twin flame during this time of intense self-work – even intermittently – this has enormous benefits for both, even if the immediate outcome does not resemble any relationship we have ever known. Twins do often check-up on each other, even in separation, to (often unconsciously) gauge the spiritual progress being made on the other side of the “mirror”. However categorizing the connection at this point is likely to be detrimental; even though it may be helpful to see our Twin flame as a catalyst and partner to our spiritual growth; no matter what their outer actions look like. The journey to self is never about the “other”, however as our perfect energetic mirror our twin is in a unique position to help us recognize, embrace and clear the dysfunctional templates deeply ingrained in us – and vice versa. If we become attentive to how they trigger us, the better and faster we become at turning our attention inward, enabling us to grow and evolve in all areas of our being that much faster.


Overcoming victim mentality for the benefit of your Union

One of the dysfunctional “glitches” present in many bloodlines is abusive relationship patterns. This includes not only physical violence, but the many elements of emotional, psychological, financial and sexual abuse; deprivation, humiliation, threats of harm or abandonment, blame, blackmail etc. Many twin flames, including me and my Twin, have played the role of the “victim” in codependent relationships prior to meeting. As kind emphatic souls we want to help others but without the required self-mastery we end up not only hurting ourselves but also enabling a cycle of dysfunctional behaviors in the process. This imbalanced dynamic within us attracts its outer manifestation in the form of a “near twin” or karmic soulmate who is there to reinforce these patterns, but also who simultaneously offers us plenty of opportunities to see beyond them and to do things differently. If we do not learn our lessons with one karmic mate, we sooner or later find ourselves repeating the pattern with another; that is, until we rid ourselves of the template. Therefore, the self-work many try to avoid by running away from the Twin WILL have to be dealt with sooner or later; whether our Twin flame is part of our life or not.

Of course one would think that if we were ever in such a dysfunctional relationship and met our Twin flame that we would leave it at once and never return. However all those of us who have had – or watched – such an experience know just how hard it is to leave a codependent relationship when we lack self-love and awareness. Not even perfect love manifest can do this until we step up and do the self-work allocated to us. It’s easy to judge those who stay but we must ask ourselves honestly how many times have WE stayed in situations and relationships that were detrimental to our growth, perhaps thinking that if we only gave these people another chance, or perhaps loved them a little more, they would change. How many times have we settled for less while reassuring ourselves that it’s “not that bad” after all? Yet these many levels of self-denial come with one core problem: not being fully our Self for fear of dealing with the feelings, emotions and consequences that would arise in us – or others – if we did.

Yet martyrdom in all its forms never saved or healed anyone; all it did was to create deeply-embedded templates that ended up being passed down for generations. Trying to “save” another person by protecting them from their own pain and disappointment or because we are too afraid of the consequences is only keeping them and us from evolving and growing – and from true happiness and purpose. Overstaying relationships because we’re afraid to affect the status quo only prolongs our pain and of course delays our twin flame reunion.

The older patriarchal templates of human interaction are no longer valid – what is needed is a leap in consciousness to allow us to move into the “new” rather than perish with the old. As Twin flames we are at the forefront of this transformation; and a lot is expected of us. We must do everything we can to find the clarity and strength to end the victim/oppressor mentality in all its formats in ALL aspects of our life. If the vow of service to our Twin flame, humanity and God is still alive within us, then we must invite & allow more awareness and light into ALL our relationships, starting with the most difficult ones right under our nose since these are most often the ones holding us back.

Unfortunately your Twin flame, no matter how much he loves you, is not coming to “save” you. He cannot! However the love that you share CAN empower you to save yourself. The simplest way to start doing this is to at all times seek to align yourself with the templates of light rather than darkness, knowing that any clearing work that you do positively affects not only the planetary vibration but also your Union. Eventually, if one or both Twins keep bringing their shadows into light, the positive vibration becomes the strongest of the Union and helps lift the other Twin up – and this alone should be enough motivation to take on the individual and bloodline clearing work we came here to do.

In my next blog post I will share my experience of clearing my blueprint of the dysfunctional abusive relationship pattern inherited through my bloodline; how I got it in the first place and how it manifested in my life, how meeting my Twin flame impacted it, and how his presence and – at times – absence influenced the clearing work– and how I finally eradicated it from my life and being.



As we progress on the spiritual path, we begin to seek a deeper integrity with ourselves. For those on this path, this often exposes the deep inner conflict between the knowing of our heart and what we recognize as socially acceptable, or morally correct. This is never more so than when there are other partners involved in the meeting of twin flames. Such intense love towards someone who may never be ours makes us question what true integrity really is and how and why to pursue it if it is bound to cause so much pain to us and others. What is it in fact that we should seek to align with; is it our inner knowing which fills us with LOVE but seems so elusive and unattainable, or a passable life which comes with certain benefits (security, companionship etc.) but leaves us spiritually lukewarm?

Meeting our beloved gives us a glimpse of the “real” us and as amazing as this is, it is the realization of what aligning with it would entail that often sends one or both parties running back into their old lives. The changes required are simply too big and the consequences on their lives and the lives of their loved ones too far-reaching. So, instead of following the life call to become who they truly are (which would likely include pursuing this amazing experience with the beloved), they “canonize” their spouses out of guilt, no matter how codependent or lacking in love that relationship is. No wonder then that so many couples never make it – it’s not that the other isn’t aware of the connection; it’s that the shock of being faced with just how unkind and dishonest they’ve been to themselves and others makes them pull back.

Clearly when our beloved flips on us like this and leaves us questioning whether our amazing, soul-deep togetherness ever even happened, it is easy to place all our hopes on them leaving their marriage; after all, they are not holding onto it out of integrity but rather out of a perceived duty to care-take, or out of guilt, or simply because it would be a shame to “throw away” a number of years spent together. Yet if we are really concerned about integrity and how this applies to us (not only our beloved), we will see that we must allow this relationship (their existing relationship, and/or ours) to run its natural course. In fact, whether we are the one cheating on an existing partner or whether it’s our beloved, all we are really doing is cheating ourselves out of integrity – and as long as we remain on this trajectory a true reunion will always remain out of our reach.

So how do we know that we are living a life of integrity since for many of us we can only relate this to the rules, behaviors and beliefs that have been passed down to us from our parents, schools, church and communities? Such integrity often means that we live our lives trying to be “good”, or in a cycle of sin and repentance, striving for what the outside world tells us we should be. Yet trying to please others at the expense of our own values and feelings is not the way to integrity. True integrity, in fact, is not obtained from the outside in, but discovered through aligning with who we are from the inside out.

Unfortunately few who stumble upon this path immediately know that “who we are” is a beautiful and unique being with a divine spark and purpose. Instead we think that we are a wife, a husband, a daughter, the perfect son etc. We compromise our own truth in the hopes of being loved and accepted. Yet we are not here to live anyone else’s life or dreams, or to play the martyr and protect our spouses or parents from disappointment or hurt; in the same way that we should not pressure on our beloved to leave an existing relationship. When we act like this, we are in fact showing God our resistance to the flow of life; to destiny, to Truth, to our Union with our one true love. It is telling the all-powerful source and guardian of ALL life and love that we do not trust in it to look after us, let alone the ones we claim to love.


Ultimately, it is only once we allow our light to shine from underneath the layers of other people’s expectations, thoughts and opinions that we discover what integrity really is: it is being true to OUR SELF, and the moral and spiritual values and beliefs we hold. After all, honesty with others always starts within. There is an even deeper meaning to integrity which relates directly to any chance of physical Union in this lifetime. In addition to being defined as “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles”, the dictionary defines integrity as the “state of being whole and undivided”. In fact, the original Latin word translates as “whole or complete” too, as does the Hebrew word translated as “integrity” in the Old Testament. Therefore, we must understand integrity as a central pillar on our quest for wholeness, which in turn brings about Union. Once we reunite our minds and hearts in the Truth of who we are, there is no question about what the next steps for our Union are. Therefore integrity should be a priority for anyone seeking Union.

So for those with the “married twin” dilemma, is it even possible to be honest and live in integrity with our beloved, ourselves and our spouses without dividing ourselves or without causing pain? Indeed, it can take years to come into any clarity about how to show integrity in our lives when the one that we are so closely bonded with refuses to do so in theirs. Often the realizations only come once we’ve delved deep and long enough into our own Self to find out who we truly are. Therefore the unanswered questions have their purpose; they are the catalyst which drives us within to discover our own being.

Once we shift our energy into fully embodying our truth, this sets into motion the energetic ripple effect which shifts a lot of things in and around us. Committing to living in integrity gives us the courage be more of who we are, aligns our actions with our heart and gives us clarity that shows us our best truth to tell others. It becomes easier for us to respond to and initiate change since we know who we are and where we are going. Eventually, if we persist, we come to see that our only REAL duty and responsibility lies in the discovery of our true Self and in the fulfilment of the divine mandate for our lives.

While the connection to our beloved does not need to destroy other relationships, it always stirs up the already existing issues in them. While it is often temporarily possible to keep the relationship going, further along the path we realize that to really be in integrity we must somehow find a way to integrate the intense love for our beloved into our life; after all, they are a part of us: energetically, spiritually, emotionally. In fact, once the spiritual merging and energies of unity with our beloved are felt WITHIN in a very REAL way, integrity takes on a whole other dimension. If we are truly aware, we are shown the division within ourselves: the one part which knows that the connection is real, and the other which says it’s OK to be disconnected and do this with another person. It is very hard to live permanently with such an inner conflict.

At the very least, this inner division is emotionally demanding and keeps us in spiritual limbo about where to go with the connection. In fact, when we lie in bed night after night next to our partner feeling our beloved with & within us, even seeking their energy out, we are faced with a choice. Do we remain blissfully aware of this energy in those moments of 5D connection, yet deny the very real person in 3D who embodies this energy for us while remaining married to another? Or do we owe it to ourselves and others to seek absolute integrity by fully allowing this energy and person into our lives since internally we know this is what we are being asked to do, no matter what this means for our other relationships?

The thing is; if we do pursue this inner call to align with our Truth, we often find our own wholeness. This opens up a pathway out of the karmic wheel of relationships, towards a real chance of experiencing sacred union, as God intended it. Of course this is not always possible, however it is rarely completely ruled out once we reach this point. Nevertheless, when we take the decision to step up into embodying our highest qualities, it is often better to be alone and to allow this love to flow through us, rather than to be in a relationship where we have to block the very energy that nourishes and inspires us to give more of ourselves to humanity and God.


Leaving my marriage

For me personally, I had known my beloved for over four years when I met my husband. Since he continued to choose his marriage after our short reunion, I had no choice but to surrender my need for a relationship with him to a higher power. When I married I was so in love with my husband that I genuinely thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Because of the how much I loved my twin and our history as passionate lovers, I could not consolidate our friendship with my new life and so I kept him at a distance. It was only 8 years later, as my marriage was falling apart for unrelated reasons, that I realized just how I too had used my marriage to escape the intense connection and my beloved’s “rejection” of me.

I knew after about five years that my marriage wasn’t going to last, yet it took another three for me to finally leave. During that time I came to understand that my husband never really loved or knew the “real me” and if he had, more likely he would not have fallen in love with me; after all our inner lives and values were vastly different. I understood that he had come into my life as a reflection of my own inability to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage the pull within to become the “real” me was increasingly strong and in such conflict with the life that I was leading that I felt only one of two things could happen: either I would give into it or I would end up dead – if not physically then at least spiritually. I had already tried to evolve within my marriage but ours was a low vibrational match – after all, I married him in order to start a family. Eventually it dawned on me that I would have to pursue the truth of my heart regardless of its impact on my marriage.

Unfortunately everything about the separation seemed so difficult. I had no idea where to start and it was only once I started making self-loving decisions that I was able to discern my own internal guidance. I also found that speaking my mind and not sacrificing what I needed made me feel more empowered, although it created conflict. Despite this, I avoided the subject of divorce for as long as I could. The previous relationship I had left after meeting my twin had ended up with my boyfriend attacking me with a knife and then later hanging himself while waiting for trial. It was a horrendous time in my life and inside I still feared something like it happening again, even though my husband was nothing like my ex.

Nevertheless the pressure for me to leave was mounting – in fact; I could hardly stand being in the same room with my husband. I felt the pull to ascend, to embody my higher self and all that, and his vibration was simply draining me. In one way I was lucky that he was away a lot (ironically, this was one of the things which contributed to the demise of our marriage), yet on the other hand this just made the process drag on longer. In the moments that my husband was there I felt energetically “held back” and it was only after the emotional release of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – which I blogged about here- that things shifted within me.

What followed was nothing short of an otherworldly experience. Instead of feeling fearful or hesitant, one day I simply I told my husband of my desire to separate confidently and calmly, and even if my voice was shaking and I sometimes spoke through tears, my words were loving, clear and full of understanding for him. I felt at peace, fully supported, connected to the highest guidance and protection, like I didn’t even have to find the words myself. My husband’s kind and calm reaction was the complete opposite of what I had expected and although the separation did not immediately follow, this was a starting point.e92cc3e3da6604936462a13cf7755b87

In the weeks that followed I initiated several such conversations yet my husband refused to move out and with three small children it seemed impossible for me to simply leave without knowing where I was going. Since no divine hand was going to come down and make the separation happen I knew I would have to take some kind of action, however when I tuned into my guidance I was told to be patient and to prepare. It would be easier for me to leave if I started organizing my finances, discretely packing certain things and selling others on Ebay – this was all part of the preparation. Little did I know my beloved had received this same “order” too and had started to do this very thing: he was preparing to return to a “life on lighter feet” and a “life with less possessions”, as he said, selling items he had stored but no longer needed.

The final six months of my marriage saw the return of my beloved into my life, even if only through emails. Although it would have been easy to allow myself to get into all sorts of fantasies about a life together once I left my marriage, I knew this was not how it worked. So I viewed his encouraging words and presence more as internal validation for the choices I was making rather than promises of a future together. I knew I had to take these steps for myself, regardless of whether he chose to follow me or not.

By spring of this year, the situation at home had become difficult and I wondered what would be the “right time” to leave. The guidance was that I would know when the time came – and when it did, I would be left with no other option. So, I practised patience despite the mounting pressure to leap into the new. And just like my guidance had told me, when the time to leave finally came, there was no mistaking it: the message from Spirit was so pressing and clear (like someone shouting “go, go, go” at me), and the events that unfolded left me with no choice other than to pack my kids in the car and drive away. That was the end of my marriage.

Almost six months have now passed since then. Although I am still dealing with the aftermath of the separation, I am well on my way to embodying my highest truth; no longer torn between my heart and mind. The strides that I have made spiritually and emotionally have been amazing and could never have happened with my husband’s energy around me. And while I certainly did not leave my marriage to be with anyone, especially my beloved, we are the closest we have been since our first summer together 13 years ago. Since he is still married (as am I technically) I would not even dream of pursuing anything other than a friendship with him at this point, yet I know and feel the love between us (in its abstract form and abundant expressions) every day and I trust that these feelings will never disappear or change.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, for him or us; all I know is that I am excited to see more of this journey as it unfolds. Ultimately we cannot fight ourselves and if we seek true integrity within ourselves we WILL find peace from the endless questions and restlessness of not knowing how to deal with it all. It is within our gift to live a life of purpose, love and abundance. It is what we came here for. For me, to be with myself in absolute truth, integrity and love, is to be with my twin. To allow this love to flow freely is to be with him. To love myself fully is to love him, to be with him. I have complete faith that if we are meant to be together we will be. In the meantime, I am happy, free, whole.


%d bloggers like this: