How to describe to you the exquisite beauty, the tender anticipation and blissful, all-encompassing LOVE LOVE LOVE of this moment.
My heart is wide open, like never before. No matter what happens, I know this is the ONLY way for me. This love has pushed me to journey deep into myself for the past 20 years and has slowly transformed me inside out. As I open my eyes, for the first time in two decades, I am seeing my outside world reflect what is within me. It is of breathtaking allure, filled with hope, peace and freedom. Nothing no one, even him, can say or do will change or shake the truth that I live with every day: I am deeply, undeniably, irreversibly in love with myself, my life, God and him.
I don’t just love him with the highest love which calls me home to God and which at times has seemed out of reach. I am in love with the very imperfect and complex REAL man that he is. Nonetheless, he has always been perfect in my eyes. His darkness, his contradictions and choices that may have taken him away from me, do not make him any less deserving of my unconditional love. To love myself fully, is to love him.
The unstoppable momentum of our connection seems to have shifted gears and timelines. My guides are telling me, there is no longer anything to do. Now, it is time to simply hold space, allow and receive. I am to become luminous with this love, which now permeates every cell of my being from within. The energy that radiates from me as I fully step into my power feels magnetic. I am to follow the guidance that is placed upon my heart by God towards my deepest desires and highest path. Was this God’s Perfect Plan all along?
Somehow, I no longer have any doubts. There is no room for them. They have all dissipated and been replaced by a deep unshakeable knowing that this is my destiny. I know, to the millionth degree, that this man was sent to me by God. The closeness I feel to both God and him every time I think of either is undeniable. There is nowhere else for me to run, to turn to, to lay my head to rest upon. This is the truth that I always knew, but which has now become my only REALITY.
Old pain is still coming up but somehow it is no longer triggering like before. It feels residual. The signs and synchronicities that surround us in this moment are multiple, undeniable and magical and the path unfolding in front of me dynamic and more glorious than I could ever have imagined. The eternal sun now peaks through the clouds and illuminates a heavenly staircase all the way to eternity – to the City of Lights Blinding, to our Home. I am to take his hand and, together, rise in love.
Rightfully, my whole life has become a prayer to travel only my highest path and to fulfil my highest purpose, and within that prayer, my union with him has become my most sincere wish for compliance. The seed of this human love which tastes like Heaven has grown heavy within me. From the depths of my soul, something blooms. I feel this new growth reaching out to touch, to live, to breathe, to dance. As it grows in anticipation of the right moment to finally unfold fully, it continues to crush my insides every time I breathe in. Yet this is not a pain of suffering; this is the exquisite pain from which something NEW is borne into this world. My only prayer at this time is that God may grant us finally the fruit of this beautiful love he planted in our hearts all that time ago. Funnily, pretty much straight after I visualised the flower metaphor, my twin wrote to me: “We are meant to blossom and flourish (as pairs) in a nurturing and safe environment.”
Another thing he once told me is: “You will always come back to me.” Wasn’t that the truth: the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!! All my attempts to walk away were always going to be futile. I always knew that I would have to keep returning, time and time again, no matter how long it took, to face the deep Love I always believed in. I have faith that God did not bind our spiritual paths, hearts and secret longings together in this way unless he meant for us to be together. I have always wished for him the greatest love of all. I somehow knew that if he found it, I would too.
I have come a long way in these past years in seeking to align myself with God’s plan for me, as I know he has also done with his. I have to trust that we are both doing our best and always have been. There are no instruction manuals to this, other than what is found in the heart of a true Believer. I also trust that if God wants two people to be drawn together, he will move BOTH of them. Not just one. Nothing that I say or do will move his heart in the same way God can. This path is a process. These intense changes and shifts take time to filter through the heart. Through the purification of the heart and God’s guidance, we eventually find our own voice, our heart, our home and, possibly, our union.
And if I am not meant to be with him, then I will know for sure that my twin is that juicy carrot God has been tangling in front of me all this time, pushing me towards my highest path and purpose, His truth and our eternal life. The way he always reads my mind, reflects me/ within me, speaks my words back to me as if they were his own, sees straight into my soul and always knows the buttons to push to get me to the next state, the next spiritual station; it all adds up to pure, unadulterated miracles. This is how much God wants us to love each other and how much He loves us. Not with a half a heart, but with every part of our heart, soul and being; even those parts we perceive as ugly, unworthy or unlovable. He alone is proof to me that God exists. He is the magic, the magician and the boy with shiny eyes of wonder, all rolled into one.
I know that even in this moment of divine guidance, I am not to hold onto him or any particular outcome. Rather, it is at this very moment that I am meant to LET GO of him, once and for all. There is no longer a “need” for him, as only God can fulfil me. Only He knows what is best for me and I will humbly accept what he chooses to bring into my life – be it my twin or not.
I will always be grateful to God for our eternal love, special friendship and the spiritual guidance which brings us together, for whatever reasons, known or unknown. I appreciate how he awakens me, challenges me, teaches me, nourishes me, teases me, calms my spirit, pushes me towards God and towards a greater purpose, stirs my feathers, polishes my soul, supports me, heals me, protects me, prays for me, accepts me, learns from me, trusts me, envelopes me with his love like a garment I pull around me tightly to keep warm, brings on the flames, uplifts me to a place where I can just be myself and finally, allows me to become all that I am meant to be. He is an earth angel of inspiration of the highest order. The only thing that compares to him here in this world is God’s love.
Dear souls…..He has been hinting at coming to see me in Finland. I know now that if such a visit is to happen, it must be entirely without me trying to control it. I cannot expect to guard my heart, because when I do, I come across unauthentic and vice versa. True love requires the true self, with no masks, promises, protocols or conditions whatsoever. We are not to make agreements with each other. Our only agreement is with God, through submission to what he wants for us and from us.
Rumi says “Seek the path that demands your whole being.” This love is such a path.
To love myself fully is to love him. To become who I am meant to be, is to love him. To love God completely, is to be with him. To allow myself to feel the love God wants for me, is to be with him.
It must be real. It is my life. It is my self.
It is the part of me that I have become.
May God, if this is His will, lead us to it. InchaAllah.
These past weeks, there are profound changes and shifts in consciousness going on within me, as undoubtedly there are within him. The final veils that have kept us from seeing the truth are being lifted. New possibilities are coming into focus with such clarity that it is taking my breath away. I am hardly sleeping or eating, finding my only peace and comfort in deep prayer, fasting and his angelic voice, as everything is being made new around me.
One by one, I am being given the “true vision” of past events. I am flabbergasted at how blind I have been despite all the wisdom and clarity I’ve received throughout the years. Maybe I simply wasn’t ready. My whole body vibrates with the anticipation of what is to come as God draws us ever closer to each other. This man, the love of my life, is so near I can almost touch him. This is it, dear souls.
To be able to really share what is happening right now, I have to share what happened during our most recent reconnection in the summer of 2020. This had been preceded by a five-year quasi-silence (including 3.5 years of full silence) in 2015-2020 as I went through my divorce and the long custody battle that ensued. During this time, my guidance had been not to share my progress with my twin in any great detail as this was something I had to clear by myself. Although his confessions of love in the 2014-2015 period had confirmed our shared path and reaffirmed our mutual love, I knew that my motivation for moving on with my life had to come from within me, not from the promise of union with him once I was free.
In late spring 2020, my divorce and custody battle behind me, things were stirring again in the spiritual realms. Suddenly he was again at the forefront of my mind and my creative juices were flowing; thus the return to this blog. I knew his 50th birthday was approaching and felt that it might be a significant milestone. Within days and for the first time in years, he appeared in my sleep, telling me “it’s time.” I messaged him tentatively and he immediate responded with “Can I call you right now??!!!!!!” It had been 11 years since I last heard his voice, for no other reason than that I could not speak to him due to all the overwhelming feelings I still had for him. I had wanted a life away from the pain of our separation and knew that my marriage would be over if I only as much as heard one word from his lips. Now, although nervous, I felt ready to hear him.
Over the next weeks, we spoke and messaged almost daily; hours upon hours upon hours of conversations that just flowed. Sleeping, eating, all that took a backseat. Initially, the conversations were superficial as we caught up on life events during the time period we hadn’t been communicating. I could definitely feel the “elephant in the room.” During our previous reconnection in 2014-2015, we had immediately dived into the deep conversations about our connection, love, God, surrender, etc., but this felt more cautious. I finally revealed to him that I was now divorced and contemplating my next steps; he told me how happy he was to hear that I was finally leaving the old behind. He also told me that during the past years he had resigned to being “just me, myself and I.” Somehow the conversations seemed more REAL, raw and authentic – and open.
He spoke to each of my children on the phone for the very first time. He was just as wonderful with them as I thought he would be. I also finally opened up to my closest family about my love for him, which must have felt crazy to them. “Oh hey remember that guy I met in Paris 18 years ago? The one who broke my heart by going back to his wife? Oh yes, I’ve never stopped loving him, I am in love with him and I will never be with another man again. Oh and by the way he is still married.” It sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it? Everyone expect my mother (who knows we have reconnected several times over the years) was horrified, predicting heartbreak.
On my twin’s 50th birthday, I sent him two poems I had written especially for this occasion. I published them previously, however they can be found here and here. I was also able to give him a copy of the only picture ever taken of us together, dating back to when we first met in 2002. He had never seen it, and I had unceremoniously burnt what I thought was the only copy after I ran. Now suddenly, on my twin’s 50th birthday, the friend who took the picture emailed it to me randomly. I hadn’t even heard from her for several years! It was truly the best gift and shows just how magically the Universe works!
Other spiritual things happened too: one day, as I sat in the bedroom, high on his love, my daughter (10) walked in, took one look at me and immediately burst into heart-shredding sobs. From between her tears, she could barely articulate “I miss Ibrahim so much.” Ibrahim was her little boyfriend who had to move away a year or so prior. It was unexpected, powerful and emotional, and just goes to show that anyone – man, woman, child – recognizes LOVE when they see it.
As the conversations gradually became deeper and deeper, old stuff started coming up. He called me an “enigma” and said that he was still trying to figure me out. He said that all these years he had struggled to get me to pinpoint, crystallize and quantify my feelings and thoughts (for him). He seemed vulnerable. I admitted that I had often been elusive to guard my heart for fear of being “rejected” by him (something I mistakenly thought I had been). However, I struggled to understand how he could still be unsure of my feelings – after all I had spent the past 18 years on and off writing hundreds, maybe thousands, of pages to him about the love that I felt, about souls, about surrender, about our past, true love, counterparts.. poetry, short stories, prose, you name it, I wrote it. How could he still be unsure? I did my best to answer his many, many questions about what I had been going through, especially in the 2014-2015 period.
For the first time, we were able to get into many of the mutually painful events of the past. He spoke of his hurt having felt judged by me when I questioned his motivations for inviting me over to his house in 2015 and how this fit in with his loyalty towards his wife. I explained that I had not wanted to judge, I was simply feeling vulnerable as my REAL feelings were involved. Even though he had reassured me that I was “more than safe with him,” for me, he had still let me down. We also spoke, among other things, of our initial separation in Paris in 2002. I finally told him, tears flowing with emotion: “We were in love. I loved you SO MUCH. You broke MY HEART. You shattered it into millions of pieces. I left because I couldn’t handle the pain. It took me months to just be able to breathe again”. I even surprised myself with the emotion that was pouring out of me. He listened in silence. “We…you were in love???” he asked, puzzled. He didn’t seem to be able to grasp the idea which surprised me. “Butyou had a boyfriend then!?” he asked in disbelief.. I could hear in his voice that he was having realizations of his own. “But I thought you wanted to be with your boyfriend? You went back to him“… as if he was trying to make sense of it all.
However, when I wanted to revisit our most recent reconnection in the 2014-2015 period and all the wonderful things that he had told me, including that he always loved me and had never ceased to love me (which I blogged about here), that he was sure God was drawing us to each other and how we couldn’t afford to ignore it any longer, that the path I always talked about was the one he always knew he had to take (it was only ever “a matter of time”), he seemed not to recall any of it.
I was taken back by his response which was basically that he had forgotten, it was a long time ago etc. and why was I having this “delayed reaction.” It had been over 5 years since those conversations, why was I bringing it up now? Initially I was very confused at his response and not quite sure how to proceed. Was I too late? Had I lost him again? I ended up sending him screen shots of our previous conversations, which initially seemed to aggravate him. Later, he then apologized and seemed to recollect having the conversation.
Even without discussing the love confessions of the 2014-2015 period, we had plenty to talk about. We spoke 6 – 8+ hours a day on several consecutive days, to try and get to the bottom of it all. He opened up to me and vice versa. He told me that in a way, he was still living in the worldly matrix, wearing “a mask” (the mask of ego), using his free will to perhaps align with things that were not his soul path. He spoke of how unhappy he had been in his marriage all these years (much more than I will ever know, he told me), there had been many separations but that he had always promised to always look after his wife (who is 20+ years older than him) and how becoming Muslim had allowed him to continue filling that role whilst resigning to being “just me, myself and I”. He seemed to be warning me that his life is hectic, unconventional and all over the place – he has properties and homes in many countries, is constantly on the move, has his own “life” in each of those places… Although he didn’t say it, I felt like he was saying, I don’t know what I can offer you.
He let me pour my heart out about our past, my feelings, and why I had made certain choices in my life. A man who spends 8 hours a day trying to understand you, asks you genuine questions and extends only unconditional love to you without judging as you go through your own healing and find your own answers – AND COMES BACK THE NEXT DAY TO CONTINUE – is really something very rare to find. A man who wants to do this with you 18 years after the events is even rarer. From the offset it was clear that there were no hard feelings whatsoever, only love. There was nothing to forgive, all is already forgiven through the unconditional love we share. I saw in him a complex, self-assured and awakened man.
All this deep talk with him, the energies, the melding of the spirits was pushing me higher and higher into the reality of our mutual love, however something still wasn’t aligning. We were saying the same things, feeling the same things, yet we were still talking “at” each other. I had to find out why. As the days went by, to help me on my quest, I started reading through more and more old letters, emails and messages exchanged between us in the past. I was trying to understand why he always seemed so contradictory, loving me one moment and pushing me away another etc. I didn’t want this battle anymore. There had to be a way for us to be in each other’s lives without triggers, without pain, without the constant disappointment and confusion.
One night, as I was exploring my emails and listening to music, I ended up having a profound spiritual experience. Suddenly a playlist popped up on Spotify under his nickname, which aroused my curiosity. This playlist was very similar to the songs on his YouTube playlist and even the new songs had names matching what he had told me or called me during our long connection. The first playlist then lead me to another one, owned by someone called The Traveller. This person had no other followers, nor did he follow anyone. The Traveller of course was the protagonist in one of my “love stories” called The Quest for Home – The Traveller which I had written inspired by our love back in 2005 (The Traveller = my twin). I was curious and as I started to listen to the playlist, I felt guided deeper and deeper into the meaning of the words, until I entered what seemed to be our inner space of love, where the lyrics I was hearing spoke to my deepest longings. It was as if he was there, speaking to me. With each song, I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into our timeless love, until I entered an alternate state of consciousness where the immense love we share surrounded and permeated my entire being.
As if cradled by angels, I was lead to a specific email my twin wrote in 2006, a year after we had reunited in NY. This was one of the emails which I perceived to be him rejecting me/ letting me down nicely despite our wonderful and passionate reunion. As I read the email again, I felt that familiar pang in my heart. In it, he was telling me how wonderful our time together had been and how none of it was a lie or a game play. Words like lies, denial, push and pull, running, etc. were foreign to his vocabulary, he said, and were totally eclipsed by the light and love of our mutual affection, shared values, eternal friendship etc. He reassured me he had meant everything he had told me. Nonetheless, he said that he “CANNOT, SHOULD NOT, COULD NOT, WILL NOT go further than he wanted to”, and that this had nothing to do with any other women, including his wife. “I could not force it”, he said. This had always been painful to me because it seemed so final, so cold. As if he had been trying to “force” the connection with me! This confused and hurt me because it couldn’t have been further from the truth. “No, No, look again,” spirit urged. “You are not seeing it accurately”.
So, I read the email again, with Hozier’s “Take me to Church” playing quietly in the background. Then, as if cracking the code to the Egyptian hieroglyphs, suddenly what I was seeing changed right in front of my eyes. Not only did I see what he actually wrote, but this change made me see all our correspondence and his 18 years worth of words in a new light. He was in fact saying that he couldn’t go any further than I (Jonna = ME) had wanted him to go. This wasn’t about what he had wanted. He could not force something that he thought I didn’t want.
This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I had had realizations like this before, with regards to his feelings for me, but they were very much internal. This one was black on white, staring me in the face. I kept going back to it, reading it over and over again. No matter how much my ego tried to come out and tell me to stop deluding myself, I could not deny what he actually wrote. I started sobbing, with happiness, relief, joy. My heart was ecstatic!!!. As I explored further, visiting other time periods of our connection through emails and messages we had exchanged, I was now seeing the same truth everywhere – he had always loved me and wanted me, but he thought I didn’t. He always extended love to me in his words and actions because that’s how he felt, not because of some pity party he felt forced to attend for the sake of our “friendship.” And if he had backed down, it was to try and numb himself to the pain he felt seeing me give myself to another, never choosing him more than half heartedly. Which, ironically, was exactly what I did, thinking that he didn’t want or love me. My perfect mirror.
My energies had already been going crazy but this was now off the charts. Spirit was demanding commitment, and as soon as I said “Yes”, I felt illumination descend upon me. I now found myself back in the bubble of our love – unable to sleep or eat, but full of LIFE and LOVE. The message from spirit was, be patient. Union is yours and only a matter of time. I felt the same energy, vibration, bliss and immense love I had felt upon our first summer together in 2002, and especially our reunion in 2005-2006. This state seemed to shave 15 years off me – I lost weight, my skin was glowing, my hair shining, I could not help but radiate this love. Everyone was commenting on how young I suddenly looked.
I was shown that things were coming full circle for us. Spirit re-showed me a vision I had had back in the spring of 2006. This was a three-part vision which had a huge significance for my earlier journey because I had made real life decisions based on it. Back then it was this vision which allowed me to let go of my twin, because somehow communicated to me that it was not time yet – if we were to be together, it would be in another, NEW life, in a new reality.
In the first part of the vision I leapt off a huge cliff into the unknown and felt myself carried as if on angel wings, to the bottom. The valley was silent and waiting for me on the ground was the book of my life. All it’s pages were empty except for the inside cover, which my twin had dedicated to me, asking me to hold onto this love. In the second part of the vision, which is the one that made me act, was a vision of me in Finland, my native country, with my mother and children. This was respectively 18 months, 4 years and 6 years before my three children were even born, yet I was shown their faces in the dream. In this vision, I received a call out of the blue from my twin telling me he loves me and that it was always me he wanted to be with. I fell to my knees and just cried from happiness. Fast forward, that same vision showed us reuniting in Finland where he had travelled to meet me. The third part of the vision was me giving birth to our son. My twin was right by my side and cradled our son with his gentle yet firm hands as he whispered the Adhan, the Muslim call to prayer, to his right ear, according to the Muslim tradition. The craziest thing is, my twin was not Muslim back then and I knew nothing about the tradition of Adhan whispered into the baby’s ear.
Now suddenly, spirit was bringing this 14-year old vision forward with purpose. I intuitively knew I had to leave everything behind and return to Finland. I was told just to follow my guidance and be patient. High on this realization, I wrote him an email. I so wish I hadn’t. It was too soon, too unstable and unfiltered, too on the edge, too figurative and full of metaphors. He seemed to respond with concern, then frustration/anger. I suggested we speak on the phone as I knew that hearing each other’s voices would ground us and would stop us from making the situation worse. Things seemed to calm down as we took another attempt at communicating what was in our hearts.
Once we returned to WhatsApp messaging, the frustration unfortunately returned. I again suggested we speak on the phone but he refused. He seemed angry with the situation, saying I still wasn’t seeing the REAL him. He alluded to my dreams being just dreams. This then triggered me, as I reproached him for saying all those things in 2014-2015 and now pretending like he didn’t remember. He had even said that if my visions, dreams and guidance about our love were real, he would divorce his wife and “be like me.” I blamed him for leading me on and being in denial, which he rejected. He was not in denial, he insisted. He was saying things like, “do you understand that with anyone else I would have already blocked them, kept them out of my life” etc. I was like “Then do it!!!! Block me if that’s what you want!” He said he wasn’t going to. I didn’t understand it first but in hindsight he may have been telling me “See! Even like this, I am still here with you, I am still fighting for us.” Somehow all along, even as we argued, I knew that this wouldn’t change anything. There is nothing he could say or do that could change the love and reverence I have for him – and I felt that same reassurance coming back from him. After a while, the anger seemed to subside. We reassured each other that everything was fine; that we love and forgive each other. “This changes nothing,” he said. We never spoke about the argument again.
Over the next weeks, as I set to prepare my relocation application in order to return to Finland, we had many other chats, discussing love, religion, Sufism, Islam – even twin flames. He had gotten into a habit of teasing me about my “belief” in twin flames. Whilst our experiences were very similar, he told me that as a Muslim his worldview/ interpretation of them was different. He told me that it is through his submission to God that he has an image or will pursue an image of a partner. It wouldn’t be a ying and yang, he said, but a realistic love and affection that allows both of us to fulfill our purpose in life for the love and pleasure of God. “That partnership“, he said, is “binding and REAL, with no ifs buts or doubts… and all the way.”
This was of course what I wanted as well. But how to get there from the “fantasy”? How to truly “ground” this love into both of our realities?
As I got into the nitty-gritty of my court application and relocation plans, we then spent several months without communicating. Yet I felt him with me all the time. During the longest silence, just after I committed to following this path fully, I had another one of my symbolical dreams (I previously shared the dream but wanted to add it here for context). He only ever appears in my dreams at times of great mutual shifts, always meeting me either in the bedroom or in doorways of the heart.
In the dream, I was back in my childhood home. There was a crowd of people there, with commotion and loud conversation. Dark clouds were gathering outside and people were rushing to get into the shelter of the house. The skies were about to open with torrential rain. With great anxiety, I scanned the outdoors for him. IS HE HERE? IS HE COMING? I stood aside from the crowd; my heart beginning to sink. I took position across the doorway and then, from across the room, I saw a familiar figure. Ours eyes crossed in anticipation. My heart jumped. He walked over, crossed the doorway and stopped right in front of me, standing as close to me as he possibly could without touching me. I would have recognized him simply from the way his energy felt. All my senses heightened and that familiar tingle spread all over my body, as his aura and energy meshed with mine. He looked me in the eyes, leaned over and told me solemnly: “I am here Jonna. I am here.”
Those of you who’ve lived through the devastation of a twin flame separation know that I am not exaggerating when I say that the immense confusion, pain and torment of losing your twin is UNLIKE ANY OTHER PAIN.
Bursts of sobbing will explode from your body to sounds of anguish such as you’ve never made before, nor will again. You will cry yourself dry. The soaring pain alone will take your breath away; it will be an ordeal just to inhale. You will feel numb and empty as your life with your twin flashes before your eyes. But you are not dying.. No, no, no… You will have no such release. You may feel like the living dead, but you will be fully aware that this perverse, cruel twist of faith is just the beginning of a long journey back to the One you yearn for.
Welcome to the land of deepest night, of utter darkness and agony. This is the purgatory of twin flame separation.
Twin flame separation is definitely a catalyst for a huge existential crisis. We can hardly pick ourselves off the floor, yet we’re meant to go back to living our lives as if nothing happened? The loss of the twin is the loss of so much more than just the person: it is a loss of identity, of a new world, of a new reality; it’s the loss of who we were becoming and who we thought we were; the loss of a future; and more importantly, the loss of the belief that we too might be deserving of this ecstatic and blissful eternal love which we always knew existed.
This is how I once described our first separation.
There is nothing more disorientating than having to ask ourselves “Was it all a lie? Was it all an illusion?” about something that we had only just recognized as the most real.. no.. the ONLY REAL thing in our life. The answer of course is “no.” This was no figment of your imagination. However, separation from our twin leaves us questioning EVERYTHING. E V E R Y T H I N G. Some of my first questions (after the obvious “WHY GOD, WHY???!!” x 1,000,000!!), were all centered around love and what this truly meant. What is love? Is Romantic “love” love? Had I ever really loved anyone? Had anyone ever really loved me? What models of love had I grown up with? Why was the love my twin and I shared so different from anything else, etc.
One thing to be said about twin flame separation is that with the right focus, frame of mind and intent, it is possible to find comfort, purpose and even JOY in our quest to rebuild ourselves. Every opportunity is given to us to either renew our commitment to the path, or to pace ourselves – sometimes even taking “time out” to explore other relationships. However, there is not enough time in this world to allow you to forget your twin flame. Time is not your friend as the passage of time only serves to cement the connection. There is simply no way to permanently forget someone who is part of you, someone who’s energy you carry within, someone whose presence occupies your very being. They say “time heals all wounds” and “out of mind, out of sight,” but with the twin flame, you will always be left with an itch you can’t quite scratch…
The pairing of twins often go around in circles for a number of years in preparation for union. Stamina, patience, faith and honesty: these are just some of the things the journey demands of us. There are layers of separation to peel away gradually as we move through the cycles of the twin flame reunion; just as there are layers of truth to uncover the further we venture into the Self. The question here is: how deep have we dared to go in our own healing journey? At first the tedious work of bringing everything to surface may seem never ending, painful and unproductive. However, with every old pattern and obstacle we clear, union and its meaning come more clearly into focus.
With time, the separations grow shorter and the togetherness deeper, as the twins come into balance, stop being triggered and heal their emotional body in the process. It is within the gift of each twin flame coupling to stop the endless cycle of push and pull, the triggering and the unbalanced dynamic of running & chasing, and ultimately create the life that both twins always knew was theirs to claim. Many twins are finding the urge to align with their destiny and their position within the divine plan at this time; taking full accountability for their part of the twin flame reunion and in the process holding that space for the other to do the same. How long this takes depends on decisions each has taken along their path.
Separation, as painful as it initially is, is not a sign of failure. It is part of the work. This is all part of the preparation, like my twin once said. Separation is preparation.
There is no such thing as an instant, permanent twin flame union. Twins are supposed to trigger one another, bother and upset each other, and cause havoc. Union itself is a gradual and mostly internal process and a product of spiritual growth. The journey is the purpose: to become fully who we are meant to be; to learn and radiate unconditional love; to return Home. One of the prerequisites of union is that the twin flame couple enters into it fully conscious. Whilst the first meeting of the Twins is a divinely orchestrated event, the twin flame reunion is a matter of consciousness. It’s a choice; it is a commitment from both twins to follow the path signposted for them under God’s guidance. This means that not only will everything happen in divine timing, but also that we can’t ever really mess up what is meant for us.
While many physical unions may still be “work in progress”, often twin couples find that they are already united as ONE in all the ways that matter. The physical reunion is merely a natural and inevitable consequence of their deeper energetic and vibrational alignment, and therefore it is by making changes on the inside that they can change the outside. This is one of the reasons that twins, even in lengthy separations, tend to gravitate towards each other from time to time; to check in with each other, to compare notes and to – consciously or subconsciously – judge the other twin’s spiritual progress. This helps them recalibrate and hone in on what still needs work. This is all part of the preparation.
During this time, trust the process. Allow your twin to find their way. This proverb, a firm favorite of my twin’s, reminds us of something important: love is freedom. We cannot own a person, or their journey. It is theirs, and theirs only.
“If you love someone set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If they don’t, they never were.”
When I reunited with my twin for the first time after a three year separation in 2005, one of the first things he told me was: “I knew you were like a little bird I had to let go. I knew you would one day fly back to me. You will always fly back to me.” And so it has been. Now, I don’t know how many effing times I am supposed to fly away but one thing I do know: I will always come back to him. There is immense reassurance and peace in knowing that. When it’s time to soar, I can do this with joy and excitement for the adventure ahead.. and when it’s time to return home, I know he will there, waiting for me with his arms open.
Last summer I was once again pulled back into closeness with my twin. I was adamant that I would do whatever it takes to end the cycles of connection and separation between us. It stops here, I told myself, regardless of what he does, I am NOT running anymore. Ever. So, I put my antennae out in order to hear what was expected of me. The message came back loud and clear: You need to commit. I immediately understood what this commitment means. It doesn’t mean: I resign to a life of loneliness, waiting for a man who simply is not – nor might ever be – available. No. It means: I surrender to my life call, my destiny and the guidance that I am afforded in each moment. It means: no turning back, “no ifs, buts or doubts – and all the way,” like my twin once said. My body, heart and soul will no longer allow me to settle for anything less than the soul-shaking, transformative, home-bound love I have only ever felt with my twin. I must follow its sweet perfume until I find my way home. On the surface, this makes no sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to ME.
The night after I made my commitment, I had a dream. I rarely remember my dreams, but when I do they usually involve my Twin. More importantly, they always include a message which tells me where he is at in his spiritual progress.
In the dream, I was back in my childhood home. There was a crowd of people there, with commotion and loud conversation. Everyone was rushing to get in: dark clouds were starting to form and the skies were about to open with torrential rain. With great concern, I scanned the outdoors for him but couldn’t see him anywhere. My anxiety was growing: IS HE HERE? IS HE COMING? I stood aside from the crowd; my heart beginning to sink, ready to resign to his absence. I took position across the doorway and then, from across the room, I saw a familiar figure. Ours eyes crossed in anticipation. My heart jumped. He walked over, crossed the doorway and stopped right in front of me, standing as close to me as he possibly could without touching me. I would have recognized him simply from the way his energy felt. All my senses heightened and that familiar tingle spread all over my body, as his aura penetrated mine. He looked me in the eyes, leaned over and told me firmly: “I am here Jonna. I am here.”
Rumi once wrote, “Seek the path that demands your whole being.“
This path is definitely such a path. It wants us fully conscious, present and engaged in our journey. It pushes us to become authentic, real in our endeavors and being, seeking to strip us of our masks, roles and societal conditioning.
As is with so many of you, Spirit has long been pushing me towards the pursuit of spiritual integrity in my life – a big part of which has always been fully embracing the twin flame path. I too have had to face the age-old “choice” all twins face: to keep burying my face in the sand, or to commit to the journey, no matter what… or “To follow the path I always believed in,” like my twin once said. Truth be told, this was always less of a choice and more of an inevitability… This was ALWAYS something I HAD TO face.
I’ve had the choice to fully embrace this path thrust upon me MANY, many times before. More than I care to remember. Like many of you, I struggled for so long, not understanding what was expected of me. Beyond the journey to the self, personal growth, God and unconditional love, what was I meant to do, to seek?? I asked myself, what kind of a FREAK LOVE just grows in a void, flourishes in the silence, expands though rejection, thrives even in darkness and survives all attempts to love other people? Looking from the outside in, embracing such a love seems a pursuit doomed to fail.
Nonetheless, eventually the gentle nudging of Spirit became a constant nagging reminder of all the ways in which I was not living the truth at the core of my being. It became impossible to fully honor my journey, our love and our connection whilst still acting out old patterns in other relationships, including my marriage. They say that when Spirit wants you to make a move, your situation will become so uncomfortable that you will be left with no other choice. In the end, the discomfort of not embodying my highest self pushed me into making tangible changes in my life, of which my divorce in 2017 was only the prelude.
Even after we obey the Spirit and heed the call, our faith and resolve is continuously tested. In my case, I spent the past five+ years fighting for the freedom and safety of my children and I, facing my vindictive ex-husband in Family Court. Eventually, I was granted the permission to remove my children from the UK and move back to my native country. I had resisted making this move for a very long time, despite Spirit showing me this is what would happen already back in 2006 (before I even had children). I had also held off moving because of the emotional comfort of being in the same geographical location with my twin. So, with mixed emotions, I relocated back to my native country late last summer after 25 years away – and started over, at the tender age of 44.
There are those who believe that twin flames are meant to be together and inevitably, they will be. Then there are those like me, who see that there is potential and promise in every connection, but that it can only manifest into reality if BOTH twins CHOOSE to submit to the divine will. I know miracles exist as I have seen them happen in my own connection. I also know that I have to do what feels right to me, regardless of my twin. After all, the commitment here is not to the twin. The twin is and will always remain the sole master of their own journey.
The commitment that Spirit asks of us is firstly a commitment to the self, to love, to the journey. It is a commitment to a greater purpose, to divine guidance, to WHO WE ARE and who we are unequivocally called to become. It is about commitment to personal growth, expansion and freedom. Dear souls, I know you too have felt the beckoning of Spirit to whole-heartedly embrace the twin flame path. You all compute that there is that choice to commit – and then there is the reality of it. The crushing reality of a choice that comes with no guarantees; other than the fact that NOT heeding the call not only sabotages our true purpose, but keeps us stuck in 3rd dimensional thinking, waiting for our twin to make that first move, forever questioning what could have happened if only…
But how to commit to a path which we suspect leads to a person who is only fleetingly able to meet us there? What to do when they cannot, WILL NOT, see what is being offered?
What to do with LOVE that bleeds into every aspect of our life, yet remains just out of reach in it’s physical manifestation?
What to do with TRUTH which allows so very little wiggle room, yet at the same time sets us free?
What to do with GUIDANCE which leads us to wholeness, to God; yet offers no guarantees of a happy ever after?
What to do with KNOWING which not only recognizes but singles out this one person as “the One”, yet which by the same token demands that we approach this knowing with no expectations whatsoever regarding this connection, this path, this person…?
They say the twin flame path is a paradox – and that it certainly is! We commit to a path where all signs point to one person, yet we are to ignore these signs whilst we forge ahead towards our own destiny – come what may!
Richard Kin (The Gene Keys) once wrote: “Commitment is akin to trust….” and for sure, committing to the twin flame journey is a leap of faith into the unknown. I would be lying if I told you I know where this path will lead me. But I am reassured that the gentle yet firm hand of destiny is guiding me as I seek to fulfil the divine mandate for my life. The journey home, becoming who I am meant to be, being of service to the world and beyond… all these things speak to me more than any thought of a new relationship, marriage, financial security, mind blowing sex, growing old together etc.
This spring – 2022 – will mark the 20th anniversary of our first meeting in Paris. Another important date he will undoubtedly fail to acknowledge, but to me… it means something. I have come so far in the two decades. I am more myself than I have ever been, I no longer run, I no longer pretend. I still cannot quite fathom how this person I spent only a few short months with still occupies my mind, heart and soul – something no other man has managed. That in itself tells me this is real and worth it. Despite all my efforts, he alone inhabits the inner space of my heart. His image, energy and reflection travel with me wherever I go. His presence within my being is so tangible and real, that I am unable to even hold or kiss another man. Will this ever change? I don’t know.
They say: to go all in, there is a lot to lose. They also say: who risks nothing, gains nothing.
I still don’t have all the answers but this I know for sure: The love for the twin NEVER goes away. It stays and deepens no matter what happens on the surface – whether you see them or not, whether they ever show you any love or not… Somehow every wrong turn, every mistake, leads back to them. And.. whilst there is no guarantee our twin will ever reciprocate, we can be sure that if we do not commit, NEITHER WILL THEY. In my own connection, my twin has always, without fail, matched my spiritual progress: if I have elevated my energy, so has he. If I have surrendered, so has he… and most importantly, if I have turned to God and sought his guidance, so has he. So may Spirit, God, continue to guide us in earnest so that we may one day meet again.
Today is my beloved’s 50th birthday, yet it is I who have been gifted with the most amazing present which I will TOTALLY put down as a sign! Earlier today, an old friend from Paris messaged me out of the blue, hoping to find the contact details of someone who we used to work with. Since we hadn’t spoken in forever, I mentioned the fact that it’s X’s birthday, to which she replied that she actually still has “that photo” of us somewhere.
“That photo” she was referring to is one she took of my beloved & I on an evening out in Paris in the early summer of 2002. It’s the only photo ever taken of us together. Since we met before the time of smart phones and digital cameras, it only ever existed on traditional film. I always believed that my friend had given me the only copy back in 2002 and so, after I ceremoniously shredded it in my efforts to forget he had ever existed all those years ago, I did not think I would ever see it again.
I love the fact that she had a copy of it and kept it well hidden from me all these years – probably for my own good. 🙂
As for the photo – it’s a sweet photo that immediately puts a smile on my face. I was able to give my beloved both the photo and the below poem to make his special day.
This poem is not only for him, but for all of you who travel along this path of fire and who sometimes struggle. Enjoy!
On this, your fiftieth birthday
I wish you Courage
To face the shadows
To go bravely, where your inner compass will lead.
I always believed that separation and silence are an essential part of the Twin flame journey. There is something undeniably sweet about going through all the pain, questioning and confusion, then through the silence meeting them entirely at soul level and understanding that the love we yearn to give them is actually the love we ourselves yearn to receive. There is no peace quite like it.
The unbreakable bond never goes away, even in the silence. Yet the journey to find inner peace is long and hard. Not being able to ask why, to gain closure, to express love, regret and understanding is so excruciating. The grief is immense.
In all our 18 years in this connection, he has never blocked me or told me to be anything other than myself. I have always felt immense love, respect and admiration from him. This is what makes it SO HARD to understand how he can flip from open, receptive and loving, to closed off and cold. Sometimes it is the very act of being myself that triggers his silence. Sometimes my mere words flood him with overwhelming nostalgia, feelings and emotions, causing him to withdraw into silence. As he himself explained, this has been due to not being able to find adequate words to respond to me, not trusting it, fearing my expectations or the consequences of opening up, for having loyalties elsewhere and for simply not feeling ready (or interested enough) for the deep conversations that might take place.
Last time he fell into silence was in late 2015, after a wonderful 18 months spent reconnecting. Most of the blog posts here from the 2014-2015 period pertain to that time. Since then, apart from the occasional happy birthday or happy Eid, I’ve let him be. To be honest, for a period of a couple of years during the darkest times of my divorce, my guidance was not to share any of it with him. Nonetheless, these past few weeks, he has been increasingly at the forefront of my thoughts. For the first time in a very long time, he appeared in my dreams, telling me “it’s time.” The timing of my return has a lot to do with this.
And just like that, in a possible freak flow from the ethos, after five years of silence, we’re back in contact… and it feels like he’s never been away. We spoke on the phone for the first time in 11 years. Isn’t it strange how the laws of physics somehow don’t apply to these kinds of connections? My cell phone battery stayed at 7% for the entire first hour of our call, without draining the battery at all. What sorcery is that? 🙂 It NEVER happens!
He immediately apologised for his absence and admitted that none of his reasons justified his total silence. He told me that if it was of any consolation, he had wanted to reach out to me “millions of times”, and that I’d been in his “mind, heart, thoughts and prayers” all the time. As much as I am happy he said it, I wish I’d never had to hear it … because hearing it again stings.
This is actually a surprisingly difficult post to write.. You see, I understood a long time ago that he was not mine to keep; and that this was a different kind of love and affection which was always to be returned to God – elevated, through Service. So many times I have surrendered and let go of the “earthly” him, choosing to concentrate on loving that which is eternal in him and calls me “home”; all the while looking forward to a time and a space – perhaps in another life or dimension – where we could be close to each other again.
I have done SO MUCH work to get to this point. Yet I am still human. One side of me craves only spiritual and emotional growth from our interactions. But growth necessitates purging, triggering and questioning – something that is not compatible with what the other side of me wants: my best friend, my everything. I don’t want to trigger him or overwhelm him! Why can’t the two parts meet in the middle?
So far, in our conversations, we’re really only skimming the surface and I do believe it’s deliberate. Maybe he doesn’t want to crash and burn like we did at our most recent attempt, either? Maybe he has all the information he needs? Last time we dove in deep from the start; this time it’s light but there’s an elephant in the room that we don’t know how to approach.
On top of it all, it is really difficult not to want to talk to him all the time. He is simply never far from my thoughts. I don’t know where the boundaries are, unless he sets them – something he has always refused to do. Yet in trying to set my own boundaries, I feel I come across as unauthentic, unfeeling and superficial. I wonder if he feels the same way? Superficial and light is just not the way we are wired.
The Universe is telling me to surrender, surrender, surrender. I must trust that there is a higher purpose. Simultaneously, I cannot help but think that the open communication is a trap the Universe wants me to fall into. I feel like every time we’re brought together, there’s always a test. When he reassured me just now that he is always there for me, that I can contact him anytime and that it is always a pleasure, I also know there are fears and forces that affect him that can cause him to act the complete opposite. In so many ways, those are “just words” that may or may not be true.
During the time of our most recent re-connection in 2015, he himself said he would be testing me – what for, I have no idea. Nevertheless, I figured from his long subsequent absence that I must have failed… and I don’t even know why. Then, how do I stop myself from failing him again? What I don’t want to admit, to him or myself, is that my heart is still there on the firing line.
I had no idea that all this yet-to-be-healed crap would pour out the minute I got my wish. I clearly have some work and releasing to do. That long overdue heart-to-heart he’s been promising me since 2005 may well be what gets sacrificed on the altar of our “friendship”. Giving up on ever obtaining answers to my million questions may be the price I pay to keep him in my life – at least for now. But I wonder, is there such a thing as a clean slate for Twin flames?
Now, before I start bargaining with the universe, I want to say how grateful and blessed I feel for this moment. Regardless of labels or outcomes, our Love and Friendship are beautiful. Thank you to the invisible forces for allowing this to happen. Long may it last! Many things my beloved told me on the phone actually confirmed to me that the Universe does speak to him about me. For example, when I told him that I’d been thinking about relocating to back to my home country, he indicated that he didn’t want me to go, saying, “I know we haven’t seen each other for so long and I have no right to say this, but I have always felt acomfort in knowing you are here“. I didn’t say anything… But I have ALWAYS felt that too. Years ago, I left Paris very soon after he did and ended up, unbeknown to me, following him here to England. This is where I have been all these years. Him still having a base here has been a factor in me remaining here. Like he said, there is a comfort in it. It was amazing to hear him say it.
Two days after we spoke on the phone, I was sat in my garden, feeling the sun on my face and fresh grass between my toes, deep in thought about all of this. I asked the Universe to guide me. That same second my phone pinged. I checked my phone and the title of the email that had come in was “TWINNING IS WINNING”. It was a marketing email from a British clothes retailer, full of pictures of actual twins, which read, “Twinning is winning. Loved by You – this week you’ve embraced that matchy, matchy magic!”
And the timing of the email: 11:11.
I couldn’t make this up, even if I tried. This is some kinda magic alright!
The spouse has a very specific role to play in the meeting of the Twin flames, whether they know of their involvement in this “love triangle” or not.
Our natural human instinct is to resist such an idea and feel resentful at having been brought into this situation. After all, this is supposed to be your happily ever after! Nonetheless, do not dismiss the spouse as an “anomaly” in your the otherwise “perfect” love story. Likely, you will be dealing with their presence in both your lives for many years to come.
If you ever wonder whether it’s the spouse’s fault that they are not with us, the answer is; no, not at all. If our beloved really wanted to leave, nothing would stop them. There are many reasons why people choose to remain married even after encountering (and more importantly, acknowledging) their twin. We may feel resentful towards their girlfriend/ partner/spouse and suspect all sort of fear-based tactics to keep them from moving on but often the reasons behind the decision originate from the person’s own psyche, rather than the act of being held hostage by the spouse.
For those who stay, the conflict is often palpable. There will be many times of self-doubt – doubts they may even share with you. They will approach you, only to run back – over and over. Years ago, I likened my beloved to a lost puppy who always eventually ran back home with his tail between his legs (not an attractive look for a grown man). When this happens, no matter how much we plead for integrity, for clarity, for truth – all we get is projections, avoidance and hurt. He may even tell you how “happily married” he is and how much he is looking forward to spending the rest of his life with his spouse – in pretty much the same breath as confessing his undying soul love for you. Total Mind Fuck 101 if you ask me.
Photo by Dreamstime
The learning curve as a “third wheel” is steep. It takes you on an inner journey which eventually allows you to find peace with the situation. Your love for them will be the signpost on your road towards wholeness. You discover that all the tools and knowledge needed to deal with the situation are already within you. Although the love will always feel just as strong, if not more, the emotional attachment to a certain type of relationship will subside and give place to a more balanced desire to remain in each other’s lives without rushed decisions or ultimatums. Your spiritual and emotional development will push you to expand your understanding of all the emotional, psychological and mental issues that keep people stuck in situations that no longer serve them. You will actually start to feel compassionate towards your beloved and their spouse – and perhaps even examine your own marriage/relationships for what the right course of action is for you, regardless of whether your beloved chooses to act or not.
Consider this: what if, somewhere in all of this, are lessons and growth to actually benefit your connection and to grow the mutual love between you and your beloved? Here are some of the deeper reasons why they have chosen to stay – and how to turn them into stepping stones on the journey of self discovery and spiritual growth.
The spouse validates how he sees himself
Have you ever driven yourself crazy questioning why if they love you so much they still choose to remain in a codependent marriage? It is important to understand that every relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, serves to support our own self-perception. Often the ego has decided to protect the “true self” by hiding it behind a number of socially construct personas; the Good Christian, the Man of the World, the Happily Married Man, the Long-Suffering Wife. These constructs of the ego help reinforce how they see themselves: as a victim, a “caretaker”, a person in need of constant validation – or a “shithead”, like my beloved sometimes called himself.
The thing about being a shithead is that it gives you permission to behave like one. The cheating, the heart breaking – it’s all justified if you’re a shithead. Dare to question it and you get blamed for having “expectations” and not seeing them for the “real” person they are. Is it any wonder then that such a person would find it near impossible to trust the unconditional love you claim to feel for them? Instead of a dream come true, it will seem like a trick, and instead of convincing them of your genuine feelings, you will in fact be arousing suspicion in them. Rather than feeling excited at the prospect of someone loving them for their true self, they are convinced all you would find is disappointment.
Instead of trying to make them see it, understand the importance of self-love. You may love and accept your beloved in equal measure for both their light and darkness, their goodness and their imperfections. It isn’t however until they themselves recognise the same that they become receptive to such love. Until then, they will feel much more at ease with someone who reminds them daily of just how imperfect they are rather than someone who sees perfection in them. Although we are naturally inclined to feel sorry for such a person, they often play an active role in keeping things as they are through mutually reinforced behaviours. They may be scared to step up – afraid of abandonment, or of rejection. Unfortunately, many are simply not ready for a union of equals, a union of transparency and presence – and prefer relationships with intense ups and downs but none of the depth.
They are entangled energetically
Sometimes the soul knows something we are not ready to accept; that there are other energetic ties which stand in the way. This applies both ways – whether it is you who is married, or them. Until the existing relationships dissolve naturally the “twin” will continue to run from you, failing to see what is actually being offered. This other energy will be felt through the spiritual cords that bind the lovers, so even if you lie to them or lead them to believe your single/available their soul still knows the truth and they will behave accordingly.
The push-pull and hot-cold behaviors are caused by the internal struggle between the heart and the soul. The heart wants union yet the soul keeps them from actually taking the steps required. Someone in another blog described this beautifully: the heart doesn’t want to respect these boundaries, yet the soul keeps them from actually crossing the line. Oftentimes this gives us the impression of being “lead on” where in fact it’s only their heart showing you the truth while their soul is holding them from fully expressing it.
Instead, accept your relationship as it is. Love him or her ‘no strings attached’, without pushing for more. This means, not to compromise your or their integrity by ‘cheating’ or trying to break up their marriage, but rather leaving it to the them and their spouse to work out their own issues in their time and way. In the meantime, your genuine love and reverence for your beloved will keep you from acting out; you wouldn’t dream of ever wanting to hurt or interfere with the marriage of the one you love. Your inner guidance will tell you this.
The spouse is helping him work through his karma / life lessons
Since we are here to accelerate each other’s evolutionary growth, it makes sense that we would catapult each other forward when there is stagnation. The arrival of our beloved often exposes all the inner work that lies ahead of us. While we work on ourselves, inevitably they will be doing the same. Oftentimes, the purpose of the spouse is to assist them in their inner/karmic work. If the marriage is left abruptly, the necessary lessons will not be learnt and the person is more likely to either return to the marriage or pursue another relationship in order to finish the task.
Instead, realize that we all have certain things we came here to do. Some of these things must take priority over our desire to be with our beloved. Meeting them is not an excuse to avoid work we came here to do, but rather a catalyst which should push us to do just that. You are all part of a bigger picture, where all the different parts of the puzzle fit and interact together in various ways.
The spouse fits the old template and patterns
Very often, a married party/parties will have emotionally checked out of the marriage long before meeting their “twin”. This may however not stop them from staying since they often also hold deep rooted beliefs, such as that marriage lasts forever. They may believe divorce is bad and that as much as they love you, you are leading them down the wrong path.
Society lays a heavy expectation on those who marry to sign up for LIFE. There will in most cases be support for the marriage to continue from friends and family around, regardless of what has gone on, regardless of the happiness of everyone involved.
The dilemma of the married twin is not an easy one. The whole idea of having to stay married out of obligation or responsibility is becoming obsolete and is no longer serving anyone – not even the spouse that the married party is trying to “protect”. So many marriages nowadays fall into the “Not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to fulfil you” category. Some marriages become life partnerships – a new form of bond which leaves us untouched to our core but allows us to alleviate the guilt of the marriage not having worked out. Somehow even infidelity has become more acceptable than drawing a line and starting over.
Instead, remember that you are not here to step into that old template and make it all perfect for them. That is a romantic fantasy which will only leave you disillusioned and confused. Bringing a spiritual CONNECTION (“We are each the masters of our happiness”) to the level of an old paradigm marriage (“It is your job to make me happy”) cannot work. This pattern is a much lower vibrational template which simply cannot accommodate the “twin” dynamic and its exponential potential for growth… Very often, we mistakenly assume that just because our beloved isn’t hurrying to marry us that they do not love us – whereas often the truth is that they cannot engage for that very reason. As a spouse, within the kind of marriage they have come to know, they may not have much to offer. Our beloved is a FRIEND OF OUR SOUL (not our ego) and so no matter how many times we attempt to fit the dynamic into the familiar relationship patterns, we always end up flat on our face. Our beloved cannot enable our old patterns – and vice versa… It’s not how the connection is wired.
He is relatively happy where he is
What if their heart is with both you and the spouse? What if loving one person does not mean cancelling out the love for another? I know there are many who feel this way. Maybe they have resigned to a certain type of partnership which allows them the space to breathe and don’t feel the need to rock the boat for something that would engage their whole being.
If such is the case, do not ever envy what your beloved has with their spouse or life partner. Respect their existing relationship and seek not to deliberately interfere with it. True love does not seek to bind – it is not about ownership. Always remember that nothing or no one can replace the connection between you. You are, always were and always will be part of each other in a way that should never render either one of you insecure. It is what it is.
Instead,offer something new and different. What you really want is more of what you already have. You need to build it together, to suit you both. You are here to call your beloved to become more aware of the patterns which limit their growth and block their evolution; not as person constantly pointing fingers at their dysfunction BUT as someone who stands in the light of consciousness and unconditional (and sometimes tough) love, offering something completely NEW and healthy. If you truly are mutually soul-connected and they are in deed committed to their evolution, then sooner or later the love you share(d) becomes a benchmark for them to compare all other relationships against. Make sure that when this time comes, this standard is one of love, acceptance, patience and closeness to God – not one of jumping from one broken pattern to another.
In conclusion, I understand none of this is easy. It requires WORK – blood, sweat and tears, or perhaps a very long hibernation… (Sleeping Beauty was onto something, sleeping through it all!). In my experience, recognising union/finding harmony in this dynamic only happens once the limiting patterns are gone and we have learnt to love ourselves fully; not as a rescuer or someone needing to be rescued, but as a sovereign, equal mate to the person who matches our vibration, awakens us and reminds us of home/ God.
Sometimes this connection can truly feel like a life sentence – or worse, an irreversible curse.
I first met my beloved 18 years ago. I was 25, he was 31. We recognised each other instantly – and within days became lovers.
What followed was the most amazing summer of my life. I couldn’t help but fall for this most magical being to ever walk this earth. An eternal love which had always been there revealed itself to me in our connection. A spark of God dwelled in his eyes. He was unlike anyone I had ever met. He unassumingly rocked my world from here to Andromeda – and in the process left me forever changed. I knew 100% that no one could ever take away what we had – and I was right. But not in a million years could I ever have imagined having to live my life without him.
Almost two decades have flown by since that summer. The connection has had its ups and downs; and so has our human relationship. As I sit here writing this, it has been a good 3.5 years since I last heard from him. Other than wishing him a happy Eid, or sometimes a happy birthday, I have let him be, too. Yet not a day goes by that I don’t feel him close to me, in my heart space; as an energy, as a reflection, inside my very being. I have had to make my peace with his constant ethereal presence in my life.
I realise that it has been three years since I last posted anything on here. It was honestly not my intention to stay away so long. Thank you to all those who during this time wrote to me and asked me how I am. Sorry for not being able to respond to you all. I hope you are all well and keeping safe during the current Covid-19 pandemic. Some of you may know that during my silence I went through a horrendous divorce and a custody battle which dragged on for several years. This absolutely drained me, affecting my finances, my health and my energy. I definitely needed time to heal and find my power again.
Nonetheless, this was not the reason I initially stopped writing. Some assumed I withdrew because of the pain of being without my beloved. No. Some assumed I stopped posting because I finally reunited with him. Again, no. But here’s what really happened. Those of you who were following my blog in the 2015-2016 time period may recall that after many years of quasi silence, my beloved and I found ourselves undeniably drawn together that year. It honestly felt like it was God drawing us together – these were his actual words at the time. Somehow, even with no contact, we had both gone through similar experiences in order to reach the same conclusions. In there, was the question of us (at least for me) and perhaps even the opportunity to fulfil the divine mandate which has always existed on our lives. God has sent you to me and vice versa, he told me, to challenge us, to expand us and guide us to his path, to his truth, to our eternal life & salvation, to peace and serenity.
What followed were months of deep discussions, confessions, and all the validation I could ever have wished for. We both had our share of fears, doubts and dilemmas to deal with – he was still married and used this to keep me at a distance whenever he felt like it. This suited me fine: I did not want him prying into my fractured marriage either. I was in the process of leaving my husband but did not want my beloved to know because I did not want him to think that I was somehow doing it for him. In fact, the prospect of finally being able to just concentrate on our friendship felt like the best thing that could happen at the time.
After a period of a year or so, during which I even innocently proposed marriage to him (don’t ask!), he invited me to stay with him at his house whilst his wife was abroad. He had indicated to me on several occasions that he wished to have a long heart to heart conversation with me. He was better at communicating face to face, he said. Although the idea of being in his physical presence terrified me, I was determined to put my fears aside and see him again. He had impressed upon me that we could not and should not have a sexual relationship as long as he was still married – and he intended to stay so. We should not just throw ourselves into our whims and desires, he said. This put me at ease. Giving myself to him and then down the line being friend-zoned and rejected for supposedly having “expectations” was still fresh in my mind.
Knowing that he was determined not to initiate any hanky panky made me feel safe. I sensed a certain maturity and openness in him that I had not known before. If I could trust him to uphold his part of the deal, then I could let go of the “what ifs” and guard my heart in the process. Looking back, it feels crazy that I actually thought I could protect myself against getting hurt. But at the time, he reassured me that I was “more than safe” with him and that he was not rejecting me. I was ecstatic, thinking that we could actually be FRIENDS (since this is what I thought he wanted), and that I could, finally after all these years, have him in my life.
My joy was short lived. Soon, I could see us sliding into dangerous territory. Among all the spiritual talk was flirting – for example, he reminisced about kissing me; how special and empowering it had been, like a “pleasurable pain”, asked me what I intended to “do to him” when we met, joked about tying me down and and never letting me go – and vice versa, so we could live all our fantasies, etc. As much as it felt sweet and innocent, the prospect of something happening made me feel exposed again. I knew it wouldn’t take much for me to go back into the needing-cold-showers-whenever-I-think-of-him territory. Seeking to protect myself and without intending to put him on the spot or to accuse him of anything, I questioned how in his head he could justify his flirting with me alongside his loyalty to his wife. This triggered us both. And so, without realising, I opened that same old can of worms that has been plaguing us since 2002.
He defended himself, saying it was “harmless flirtation” and he didn’t see how that could possibly indicate that he was somehow being disloyal towards his wife. Somehow it was once again me who failed to see how we were only ever friends etc. This REALLY grated on me since surely he MUST KNOW by now how VERY MUCH I love him. Friend or not, my feelings are REAL. How on earth could he think “harmless flirtation” was even appropriate?? We have a history together, we’ve shared bodily fluids for God’s sake and he himself only recently revealed to me the “overwhelming feelings, emotions and nostalgia” he struggled with upon hearing from me – yet somehow I was the one reading too much into it all??? Did my feelings not matter? Why was he even flirting with me? I wanted to bring him closer to God, not further away!! What happened to me being “safe” with him?
The conversation turned sour from thereon. We both felt it and it didn’t take long for him to have doubts about our meeting. He said I was not ready. As you can guess, we ended up not meeting. First he postponed it, then cancelled on me. As much as he seemed apologetic, I felt it was a huge relief for him. I can’t say I hadn’t anticipated it and in all honesty, I was numb. Did he not trust himself, or was he punishing me for not being ready? I may never know… but I would NEVER EVER never have crossed the boundaries he set. He had nothing to fear – only his own self. He then came to me in a dream, of which I only caught the last few seconds of him telling me “We’re not ready.” Soon thereafter he stopped communicating altogether.
For the longest time, I could’t wrap my mind around what had happened. I didn’t know where to start. Trying to make sense of it made no sense at all. The spiritual growth we shared, the synchronicities, the parallel paths, our long conversations; there was so much there to explore. We BOTH felt God drawing us together yet we failed to follow – HOW???? WHY?? Why couldn’t we do this as friends? Hadn’t we learnt anything? It took me a while to unravel it all but I eventually figured that the key to us ever being part of each others’ lives is AUTHENTICITY. Whenever one of us holds anything back, or attempts to hide something, or to box our connection, this brings about conflict. Not because we seek it, but because we are equipped with internal bullshit detectors. This is also where the weight of “expectations” comes into play; only those expectations are not from the beloved but from the higher self/ God. The connection demands 100% authenticity. So maybe despite all our efforts, we will never be part of each other lives in the way we would both wish UNTIL we are BOTH ready to embrace the connection, our own hearts and paths fully.
So here I am still, serving my life sentence. Day 6,594 of eternity. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.
As humanity evolves and ascends into a higher vibration, relationships are changing too. The expansion of consciousness brings with it a broader understanding of the different ways we relate to and connect with each other. As we move into the 4th and 5th dimensions, the old paradigm relationships of the 3D consciousness are crumbling, causing many to question the many inherited symbolic systems which govern our lives today.
One of the systems in need of being redefined during this time of rapid spiritual evolution is the old stereotypical concept of marriage. Marriage today has become a contract, an institution of society, and the couple a property of that society. Not so long ago, people still married for the sole purpose of ensuring their physical survival or to obtain an heir, and although people still marry for external reasons (money, family, social status etc.), many now enter into marriage in order to pursue emotional fulfillment and spiritual growth. But if marriage is the ideal platform for this then why are so many marriages failing? The thing about spiritual growth is, it can make us incompatible with someone we used to be in harmony with. Since spiritual growth is accelerating and humanity awakening, more and more people are working through their karmic lessons and “outgrowing” their marriages faster than ever before. As such, marriage as it exists today here on Earth is not meant to last forever – but only until the full potential for growth has been reached which often isn’t “until death do us part”.
Underlying the disintegration of marriage is the spiritual amnesia we all suffer from to varying degrees. Humanity has forgotten it’s true nature and with it, the true meaning of marriage. Marriage as God intended is a sacred union of two souls, created for each other, with each other. It’s a Union where God sets the balance between the two. Unfortunately very few marriages today are founded upon the resonance of souls. This is where many of us feel our calling is: in bringing forth a partnership where true love is that of the soul and where our love for our partner mirrors our relationship with our Self and God to the most intimate degree, allowing for endless spiritual and emotional growth and discovery. This is not the template of a relationship but of a union which awakens the divine sparkle within us and draws our divine counterpart to us, reminding us of the eternal life which awaits us once our shared mission here on Earth is complete.
Since consciousness is the basis of all reality, any shift in consciousness changes every aspect of our reality. Meeting our beloved is definitely such a shift; they catalyze our spiritual awakening and cause total upheaval ineveryarea of our lives. It only takes one second, one moment for the memories of real, unbridled love to come rushing back. These feelings originate in the soul and spread like fire to the rest of the body. They push us onto a guest for a more authentic life; helping us see beyond the illusions. We find ourselves questioning everything; not only who we are and what we are doing, but also the decisions we’ve made in the past, including whether and whom to marry.
Meeting our beloved when already married is truly a test of fire – just like our soul intended. The omnipotent, cellular level awakening we experience causes our vibration, awareness and energy to immediately jump up a notch – or a dozen – making us acutely aware of the energetic suppression we’ve been living under. The soul is adamant: it wants resonance, it wants freedom, it wants union – and it wants it NOW.
The souls magnetize each other and we truly feel the magical Universe at play through the synchronicities and signs that surround us. Maybe like many others it is being made clear to us, from within, that it is time to leave our marriage – not because of the promise of a blissful Union but because our own soul demands it. The soul does not make mistakes. It knows the path it wants to follow.
Many bolt out of existing relationships upon meeting their beloved since they can no longer find alignment with the old. The call to return to our original state of Oneness is so intoxicating, and the otherworldly soul connection to the other felt so strongly that staying in the old relationship becomes unbearable. Every second, every minute we are aware of the pressure upon us to follow the call to be who we really are, at the deepest level within us.
Unfortunately as the magnetic pull reverses signalling the start of the journey within, many find themselves returning to these old relationships – not because we fell out of love with our beloved but because all the hurt and disappointment we caused our partner and the other important people in our lives finally catches up with us. Subconsciously we know there is still unfinished business to work through. We retreat into the “safety” of our old paradigm marriage, where we hide and try to make sense of things, protected by the society which demands we do the “right thing” and remain with the person whom we promised our life.
This pattern is a sign of old energy that needs resolving. It is resistance to our own evolution. There is no right or wrong way here – just more work to do and lessons to learn. Ironically, once the dust settles, we may be surprised to find that the marriage seems better in many ways; our spouse may be awakening too, there may be less conflict, and things generally seem to flow better. Of course, this is not because the spouse changed but because we changed, our perception changed – and in turn it affected the whole relationship dynamic. And even though we realize we can never quite go back to the way things used to be, we feel relieved being able to carry on in a marriage where we feel safe and secure but which also does not require us to “invest” ourselves like the “Twin flame” union does.
Yet as the time goes by… We still find ourselves thinking about this wondrous person who flipped our world upside down, wondering what went wrong and why they could not be a part of our life. They are still the first person we want to run to with news of our greatest joys and deepest sorrows – and the one whose energy we seek when we want to calm our spirit. We may feel their heartbeat inside our own, or pain in our heart when they intimately give themselves to someone else. We may hear them speak to us and feel the warmth of their presence in our heart. The impact of such an encounter on the energetic body simply cannot be undone or permanently ignored.
This is where the two paths separate. For some, this will be a moment of truth, a recognition of the staying power of this connection; a realization that this person will always be a part of their being, whether they like it or not. These people will do their best to find a way to include their beloved in their life, for the benefit of everyone involved. Rather than hide the connection, they may even come out to their spouse about it. For them it may not feel right to leave just yet; maybe there are children to consider, or simply more growth to be done.
Then there are those who miss their beloved just as much but who are determined to keep this person away from their marriage; not because they worry about that person crossing any lines but because they do not trust themselves not to. The connection is still there, alive and kicking, but suppressed underneath feelings of guilt, duty and responsibility towards the spouse. Even if they do want to reach out, they cannot find the words, frustrated at not being able to express their true heart – or for fear of opening the can of worms that they perceive this connection to be. They may feel confident that they are doing the right thing, yet they still feel stuck. They may not even realize this has anything to do with the other, but they find themselves spending more and more time away from home. Sex and intimacy become a struggle. Health problems crop up – often for them and their spouse; abdominal pains, sciatica, headaches, pain in the legs, feet and lower back – all just a reflection of how stuck they feel emotionally. Since their creativity up and left with the beloved they find themselves moving completely into their head space – after all, the twin now occupies the heart space they refuse to visit.
To occupy their mind they throw themselves into religion, politics, work, studies; into anything else that they can obsess over and fill their mind space with. Deep within they know they really should be honest with everyone and end the marriage for that one true chance at happiness – yet what is holding them back is that long shared history, no matter how unhappy or unfulfilling. They feel that they owe it to their spouse to “stick it out.” Maybe this is the one promise they hold sacred above all others? Maybe they already tried to leave, more than once, and instead of compassion and understanding received emotional outbursts, suicide threats and more. They may feel like the worst person in the world, just for feeling this love within… I know many of you can relate. On top of everything, they know they have let their beloved down. They haven’t forgotten their promise of Union, made eons ago and reaffirmed in each incarnation. Deep within they have not given up on that promise; they are just postponing it… but to delay Union is a dangerous game that easily traps us for a lifetime.
Of course by now both these individuals realize that they will always carry a part of their beloved within; as an energy, a reflection and a presence, as an integral part of who they are. By deliberately disconnecting from that which is within, a divide now exists within their very own being. It dawns on them that the spouse will never be able to return that vibration of unconditional love to the same degree that the beloved could. No matter how much they may try, it will never be as nourishing, as deep, as intimate, as spiritual, as infused in God. Time and time again, the dilemma will continue to present itself: to keep the status quo and die a slow spiritual death only ever giving a part of yourself to the spouse – or to divorce and finally be fully who you are, with or without the beloved?
Making the decision to move on is a very difficult one. Feelings of confusion, guilt, hurt, betrayal, loss and emptiness will be daily companions throughout the process. The best advice I can give anyone in this situation is to follow your inner voice and look to God – not to anyone else – for guidance and direction. Ask God for smooth transitions and an outcome for the highest good of all. Also know that meeting your beloved does not always equal “happily ever after”. Union is a choice you both must make. You must understand this: there are no guarantees. It is possible in the course of a lifetime to meet many people of similar vibration or with whom you share a deep spiritual bond – this does not always mean they are your beloved, nor does it necessarily translate into a compatible lifelong romantic relationship.
Nevertheless, beyond all the questions and moral dilemmas is the reality of Real Love. Is your beloved the One with forever in their eyes? Is it their face that appears before you as you call upon your beloved? Did you always know that you came here to reunite with your one true love? Has your soul confirmed this to you? It is not by mistake that they show up in your reality. You are both being given a chance to embody your highest self here on earth in THIS lifetime.. You are being shown that Union is possible – that it is within your reach. It is alreadysomething your soul aspires to. Why settle for anything less? Be brave and ask yourself: is it in the highest good of everyone to put blinders on and persist in a profoundly incompatible marriage, denying yourself and your spouse the chance to find true love; or to trust that small voice inside your heart which tells you to take that leap of faith and to follow the call home?
Real love is forever, it will never leave you. This journey only ever leads to one place: back to each other – and to God.
So many people know the truth of their heart yet fail to follow through. So many choose to stunt their growth by remaining in an unfulfilling marriage rather than to move on to new spiritual paths for fear of the unknown. This is the epidemic that still plagues the Twin flame community. I am not saying that a person should leave their marriage at the first sight of the twin, HOWEVER creating something new requires action and sacrifices and it is here that so many of us fall short. This journey demands we give it all. If we do not take the first step then who will? This is about YOU; about following the path you always believed in.
Divorce is not easy but so many obstacles can be cleared by remaining positive and holding the intention of the highest good for everyone involved. Personally, I cleared a tremendous hurdle on my journey this month. As you may recall I took the leap two years ago to leave my husband (I blogged about it here) for no other reason than to finally be who I am – including allowing the energies to flow within me freely. When I told my beloved about it at the time, he mentioned how ironic it was that I seemed to have “gone over the edge” whilst he was still “standing on it“. Two years on and for all I know, he may never take that leap but I must still follow what is true to me in my heart.
But he was right about one thing: I took that leap and never looked back!
The big news is that my divorce was finalized earlier this month, ironically just days before what should have been my 10th wedding anniversary.
It’s weight off my shoulders like you wouldn’t believe it.
And I can say, hand on heart, that the promise of a physical reunion with my beloved had very little to do with it.
I divorced because I was presented with a choice; me or my marriage. To stay married and forever deny a part of me, or to divorce for my own soul, sanity and destiny and the path I always knew I was born to follow? The decision was not difficult once I reached surrender and found my wholeness within. Surrender because I could finally allow this pure, transformative, soul-shaking love to flow through me, allowing the path to unfold freely – and finding mywholeness because accepting the truth of union within allowed me to finally love and accept who I am fully. Furthermore, it no longer felt right to me to mix my essence and energy with anyone who does not know, love and match that which is eternal in me – and who is not going to step through the pearly gates with me once this life is over. My soul could want nothing more, nor accept anything less than this. It may sound silly – and it certainly will to those not on this journey – but it is truly what gives me peace and allows me to move deeper into the reality of this love, as well as manage the struggles of every day life without the man that I love.
This is the first time in over 20 years that I have been single. Like many others, I have moved from one long term relationship to another without ever having the time to get to know myself – one on one. I am aware that I join an increasing number of self-realized women who embody the fullness of their inner being to varying degrees but who are at this moment in time unable to find a man to match their vibration, because the man who once did and who continues to call to their soul is still caught up in a lower vibrational situation. I remain open to meeting my eternal lover in this lifetime if such has been planned for me, whether that person is my beloved or someone else. Only God knows. All I know, it was not my husband.
Having said this, I am not waiting for anything or anyone. I simply want my soul to lead me further down this path and to show me just how deeply I can love and what that love feels like when it shines a light upon the still unexplored places still within me.
As for my beloved, I love him, *oh so much* but I also know we are not “meant to be together” right now just because of the “Twin flame” label. The Universe is all about energy and vibration. I sincerely hope we can meet in that vibration of unconditional love once more within this lifetime – but having said that, I trust that he is exactly where he needs to be in this moment. He is still in alignment with his past, but things are shifting. Until then, I want his 3D persona to be absolutely free of any pressure; so much so that I have kept the status of my marriage to myself.
To all the soul brothers and sisters walking this path with me, I honor you for remembering that the most important relationship you have is with your Self. Please do not lose it to uphold an institution.
Divorce is never easy. I know.
But I trust that there is a greater plan for me. Instead of focusing on the negatives, I ask the Universe to guide me on the path to Union.