Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

These past weeks, there are profound changes and shifts in consciousness going on within me, as undoubtedly there are within him. The final veils that have kept us from seeing the truth are being lifted. New possibilities are coming into focus with such clarity that it is taking my breath away. I am hardly sleeping or eating, finding my only peace and comfort in deep prayer, fasting and his angelic voice, as everything is being made new around me.

One by one, I am being given the “true vision” of past events. I am flabbergasted at how blind I have been despite all the wisdom and clarity I’ve received throughout the years. Maybe I simply wasn’t ready. My whole body vibrates with the anticipation of what is to come as God draws us ever closer to each other. This man, the love of my life, is so near I can almost touch him. This is it, dear souls.

To be able to really share what is happening right now, I have to share what happened during our most recent reconnection in the summer of 2020. This had been preceded by a five-year quasi-silence (including 3.5 years of full silence) in 2015-2020 as I went through my divorce and the long custody battle that ensued. During this time, my guidance had been not to share my progress with my twin in any great detail as this was something I had to clear by myself. Although his confessions of love in the 2014-2015 period had confirmed our shared path and reaffirmed our mutual love, I knew that my motivation for moving on with my life had to come from within me, not from the promise of union with him once I was free.

In late spring 2020, my divorce and custody battle behind me, things were stirring again in the spiritual realms. Suddenly he was again at the forefront of my mind and my creative juices were flowing; thus the return to this blog. I knew his 50th birthday was approaching and felt that it might be a significant milestone. Within days and for the first time in years, he appeared in my sleep, telling me “it’s time.” I messaged him tentatively and he immediate responded with “Can I call you right now??!!!!!!” It had been 11 years since I last heard his voice, for no other reason than that I could not speak to him due to all the overwhelming feelings I still had for him. I had wanted a life away from the pain of our separation and knew that my marriage would be over if I only as much as heard one word from his lips. Now, although nervous, I felt ready to hear him.

Over the next weeks, we spoke and messaged almost daily; hours upon hours upon hours of conversations that just flowed. Sleeping, eating, all that took a backseat. Initially, the conversations were superficial as we caught up on life events during the time period we hadn’t been communicating. I could definitely feel the “elephant in the room.” During our previous reconnection in 2014-2015, we had immediately dived into the deep conversations about our connection, love, God, surrender, etc., but this felt more cautious. I finally revealed to him that I was now divorced and contemplating my next steps; he told me how happy he was to hear that I was finally leaving the old behind. He also told me that during the past years he had resigned to being “just me, myself and I.” Somehow the conversations seemed more REAL, raw and authentic – and open.

He spoke to each of my children on the phone for the very first time. He was just as wonderful with them as I thought he would be. I also finally opened up to my closest family about my love for him, which must have felt crazy to them. “Oh hey remember that guy I met in Paris 18 years ago? The one who broke my heart by going back to his wife? Oh yes, I’ve never stopped loving him, I am in love with him and I will never be with another man again. Oh and by the way he is still married.” It sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it? Everyone expect my mother (who knows we have reconnected several times over the years) was horrified, predicting heartbreak.

On my twin’s 50th birthday, I sent him two poems I had written especially for this occasion. I published them previously, however they can be found here and here. I was also able to give him a copy of the only picture ever taken of us together, dating back to when we first met in 2002. He had never seen it, and I had unceremoniously burnt what I thought was the only copy after I ran. Now suddenly, on my twin’s 50th birthday, the friend who took the picture emailed it to me randomly. I hadn’t even heard from her for several years! It was truly the best gift and shows just how magically the Universe works!

Other spiritual things happened too: one day, as I sat in the bedroom, high on his love, my daughter (10) walked in, took one look at me and immediately burst into heart-shredding sobs. From between her tears, she could barely articulate “I miss Ibrahim so much.” Ibrahim was her little boyfriend who had to move away a year or so prior. It was unexpected, powerful and emotional, and just goes to show that anyone – man, woman, child – recognizes LOVE when they see it.

As the conversations gradually became deeper and deeper, old stuff started coming up. He called me an “enigma” and said that he was still trying to figure me out. He said that all these years he had struggled to get me to pinpoint, crystallize and quantify my feelings and thoughts (for him). He seemed vulnerable. I admitted that I had often been elusive to guard my heart for fear of being “rejected” by him (something I mistakenly thought I had been). However, I struggled to understand how he could still be unsure of my feelings – after all I had spent the past 18 years on and off writing hundreds, maybe thousands, of pages to him about the love that I felt, about souls, about surrender, about our past, true love, counterparts.. poetry, short stories, prose, you name it, I wrote it. How could he still be unsure? I did my best to answer his many, many questions about what I had been going through, especially in the 2014-2015 period.

For the first time, we were able to get into many of the mutually painful events of the past. He spoke of his hurt having felt judged by me when I questioned his motivations for inviting me over to his house in 2015 and how this fit in with his loyalty towards his wife. I explained that I had not wanted to judge, I was simply feeling vulnerable as my REAL feelings were involved. Even though he had reassured me that I was “more than safe with him,” for me, he had still let me down. We also spoke, among other things, of our initial separation in Paris in 2002. I finally told him, tears flowing with emotion: “We were in love. I loved you SO MUCH. You broke MY HEART. You shattered it into millions of pieces. I left because I couldn’t handle the pain. It took me months to just be able to breathe again”. I even surprised myself with the emotion that was pouring out of me. He listened in silence. “We…you were in love???” he asked, puzzled. He didn’t seem to be able to grasp the idea which surprised me. “But you had a boyfriend then!?” he asked in disbelief.. I could hear in his voice that he was having realizations of his own. “But I thought you wanted to be with your boyfriend? You went back to him“… as if he was trying to make sense of it all.

However, when I wanted to revisit our most recent reconnection in the 2014-2015 period and all the wonderful things that he had told me, including that he always loved me and had never ceased to love me (which I blogged about here), that he was sure God was drawing us to each other and how we couldn’t afford to ignore it any longer, that the path I always talked about was the one he always knew he had to take (it was only ever “a matter of time”), he seemed not to recall any of it.

I was taken back by his response which was basically that he had forgotten, it was a long time ago etc. and why was I having this “delayed reaction.” It had been over 5 years since those conversations, why was I bringing it up now? Initially I was very confused at his response and not quite sure how to proceed. Was I too late? Had I lost him again? I ended up sending him screen shots of our previous conversations, which initially seemed to aggravate him. Later, he then apologized and seemed to recollect having the conversation.

Even without discussing the love confessions of the 2014-2015 period, we had plenty to talk about. We spoke 6 – 8+ hours a day on several consecutive days, to try and get to the bottom of it all. He opened up to me and vice versa. He told me that in a way, he was still living in the worldly matrix, wearing “a mask” (the mask of ego), using his free will to perhaps align with things that were not his soul path. He spoke of how unhappy he had been in his marriage all these years (much more than I will ever know, he told me), there had been many separations but that he had always promised to always look after his wife (who is 20+ years older than him) and how becoming Muslim had allowed him to continue filling that role whilst resigning to being “just me, myself and I”. He seemed to be warning me that his life is hectic, unconventional and all over the place – he has properties and homes in many countries, is constantly on the move, has his own “life” in each of those places… Although he didn’t say it, I felt like he was saying, I don’t know what I can offer you.

He let me pour my heart out about our past, my feelings, and why I had made certain choices in my life. A man who spends 8 hours a day trying to understand you, asks you genuine questions and extends only unconditional love to you without judging as you go through your own healing and find your own answers – AND COMES BACK THE NEXT DAY TO CONTINUE – is really something very rare to find. A man who wants to do this with you 18 years after the events is even rarer. From the offset it was clear that there were no hard feelings whatsoever, only love. There was nothing to forgive, all is already forgiven through the unconditional love we share. I saw in him a complex, self-assured and awakened man.

All this deep talk with him, the energies, the melding of the spirits was pushing me higher and higher into the reality of our mutual love, however something still wasn’t aligning. We were saying the same things, feeling the same things, yet we were still talking “at” each other. I had to find out why. As the days went by, to help me on my quest, I started reading through more and more old letters, emails and messages exchanged between us in the past. I was trying to understand why he always seemed so contradictory, loving me one moment and pushing me away another etc. I didn’t want this battle anymore. There had to be a way for us to be in each other’s lives without triggers, without pain, without the constant disappointment and confusion.

One night, as I was exploring my emails and listening to music, I ended up having a profound spiritual experience. Suddenly a playlist popped up on Spotify under his nickname, which aroused my curiosity. This playlist was very similar to the songs on his YouTube playlist and even the new songs had names matching what he had told me or called me during our long connection. The first playlist then lead me to another one, owned by someone called The Traveller. This person had no other followers, nor did he follow anyone. The Traveller of course was the protagonist in one of my “love stories” called The Quest for Home – The Traveller which I had written inspired by our love back in 2005 (The Traveller = my twin). I was curious and as I started to listen to the playlist, I felt guided deeper and deeper into the meaning of the words, until I entered what seemed to be our inner space of love, where the lyrics I was hearing spoke to my deepest longings. It was as if he was there, speaking to me. With each song, I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into our timeless love, until I entered an alternate state of consciousness where the immense love we share surrounded and permeated my entire being.

As if cradled by angels, I was lead to a specific email my twin wrote in 2006, a year after we had reunited in NY. This was one of the emails which I perceived to be him rejecting me/ letting me down nicely despite our wonderful and passionate reunion. As I read the email again, I felt that familiar pang in my heart. In it, he was telling me how wonderful our time together had been and how none of it was a lie or a game play. Words like lies, denial, push and pull, running, etc. were foreign to his vocabulary, he said, and were totally eclipsed by the light and love of our mutual affection, shared values, eternal friendship etc. He reassured me he had meant everything he had told me. Nonetheless, he said that he “CANNOT, SHOULD NOT, COULD NOT, WILL NOT go further than he wanted to”, and that this had nothing to do with any other women, including his wife. “I could not force it”, he said. This had always been painful to me because it seemed so final, so cold. As if he had been trying to “force” the connection with me! This confused and hurt me because it couldn’t have been further from the truth. “No, No, look again,” spirit urged. “You are not seeing it accurately”.

So, I read the email again, with Hozier’s “Take me to Church” playing quietly in the background. Then, as if cracking the code to the Egyptian hieroglyphs, suddenly what I was seeing changed right in front of my eyes. Not only did I see what he actually wrote, but this change made me see all our correspondence and his 18 years worth of words in a new light. He was in fact saying that he couldn’t go any further than I (Jonna = ME) had wanted him to go. This wasn’t about what he had wanted. He could not force something that he thought I didn’t want.

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I had had realizations like this before, with regards to his feelings for me, but they were very much internal. This one was black on white, staring me in the face. I kept going back to it, reading it over and over again. No matter how much my ego tried to come out and tell me to stop deluding myself, I could not deny what he actually wrote. I started sobbing, with happiness, relief, joy. My heart was ecstatic!!!. As I explored further, visiting other time periods of our connection through emails and messages we had exchanged, I was now seeing the same truth everywhere – he had always loved me and wanted me, but he thought I didn’t. He always extended love to me in his words and actions because that’s how he felt, not because of some pity party he felt forced to attend for the sake of our “friendship.” And if he had backed down, it was to try and numb himself to the pain he felt seeing me give myself to another, never choosing him more than half heartedly. Which, ironically, was exactly what I did, thinking that he didn’t want or love me. My perfect mirror.

My energies had already been going crazy but this was now off the charts. Spirit was demanding commitment, and as soon as I said “Yes”, I felt illumination descend upon me. I now found myself back in the bubble of our love – unable to sleep or eat, but full of LIFE and LOVE. The message from spirit was, be patient. Union is yours and only a matter of time. I felt the same energy, vibration, bliss and immense love I had felt upon our first summer together in 2002, and especially our reunion in 2005-2006. This state seemed to shave 15 years off me – I lost weight, my skin was glowing, my hair shining, I could not help but radiate this love. Everyone was commenting on how young I suddenly looked.

I was shown that things were coming full circle for us. Spirit re-showed me a vision I had had back in the spring of 2006. This was a three-part vision which had a huge significance for my earlier journey because I had made real life decisions based on it. Back then it was this vision which allowed me to let go of my twin, because somehow communicated to me that it was not time yet – if we were to be together, it would be in another, NEW life, in a new reality.

In the first part of the vision I leapt off a huge cliff into the unknown and felt myself carried as if on angel wings, to the bottom. The valley was silent and waiting for me on the ground was the book of my life. All it’s pages were empty except for the inside cover, which my twin had dedicated to me, asking me to hold onto this love. In the second part of the vision, which is the one that made me act, was a vision of me in Finland, my native country, with my mother and children. This was respectively 18 months, 4 years and 6 years before my three children were even born, yet I was shown their faces in the dream. In this vision, I received a call out of the blue from my twin telling me he loves me and that it was always me he wanted to be with. I fell to my knees and just cried from happiness. Fast forward, that same vision showed us reuniting in Finland where he had travelled to meet me. The third part of the vision was me giving birth to our son. My twin was right by my side and cradled our son with his gentle yet firm hands as he whispered the Adhan, the Muslim call to prayer, to his right ear, according to the Muslim tradition. The craziest thing is, my twin was not Muslim back then and I knew nothing about the tradition of Adhan whispered into the baby’s ear.

Now suddenly, spirit was bringing this 14-year old vision forward with purpose. I intuitively knew I had to leave everything behind and return to Finland. I was told just to follow my guidance and be patient. High on this realization, I wrote him an email. I so wish I hadn’t. It was too soon, too unstable and unfiltered, too on the edge, too figurative and full of metaphors. He seemed to respond with concern, then frustration/anger. I suggested we speak on the phone as I knew that hearing each other’s voices would ground us and would stop us from making the situation worse. Things seemed to calm down as we took another attempt at communicating what was in our hearts.

Once we returned to WhatsApp messaging, the frustration unfortunately returned. I again suggested we speak on the phone but he refused. He seemed angry with the situation, saying I still wasn’t seeing the REAL him. He alluded to my dreams being just dreams. This then triggered me, as I reproached him for saying all those things in 2014-2015 and now pretending like he didn’t remember. He had even said that if my visions, dreams and guidance about our love were real, he would divorce his wife and “be like me.” I blamed him for leading me on and being in denial, which he rejected. He was not in denial, he insisted. He was saying things like, “do you understand that with anyone else I would have already blocked them, kept them out of my life” etc. I was like “Then do it!!!! Block me if that’s what you want!” He said he wasn’t going to. I didn’t understand it first but in hindsight he may have been telling me “See! Even like this, I am still here with you, I am still fighting for us.” Somehow all along, even as we argued, I knew that this wouldn’t change anything. There is nothing he could say or do that could change the love and reverence I have for him – and I felt that same reassurance coming back from him. After a while, the anger seemed to subside. We reassured each other that everything was fine; that we love and forgive each other. “This changes nothing,” he said. We never spoke about the argument again.

Over the next weeks, as I set to prepare my relocation application in order to return to Finland, we had many other chats, discussing love, religion, Sufism, Islam – even twin flames. He had gotten into a habit of teasing me about my “belief” in twin flames. Whilst our experiences were very similar, he told me that as a Muslim his worldview/ interpretation of them was different. He told me that it is through his submission to God that he has an image or will pursue an image of a partner. It wouldn’t be a ying and yang, he said, but a realistic love and affection that allows both of us to fulfill our purpose in life for the love and pleasure of God. “That partnership“, he said, is “binding and REAL, with no ifs buts or doubts… and all the way.”

This was of course what I wanted as well. But how to get there from the “fantasy”? How to truly “ground” this love into both of our realities?

As I got into the nitty-gritty of my court application and relocation plans, we then spent several months without communicating. Yet I felt him with me all the time. During the longest silence, just after I committed to following this path fully, I had another one of my symbolical dreams (I previously shared the dream but wanted to add it here for context). He only ever appears in my dreams at times of great mutual shifts, always meeting me either in the bedroom or in doorways of the heart.

In the dream, I was back in my childhood home. There was a crowd of people there, with commotion and loud conversation. Dark clouds were gathering outside and people were rushing to get into the shelter of the house. The skies were about to open with torrential rain. With great anxiety, I scanned the outdoors for him. IS HE HERE? IS HE COMING? I stood aside from the crowd; my heart beginning to sink. I took position across the doorway and then, from across the room, I saw a familiar figure. Ours eyes crossed in anticipation. My heart jumped. He walked over, crossed the doorway and stopped right in front of me, standing as close to me as he possibly could without touching me. I would have recognized him simply from the way his energy felt. All my senses heightened and that familiar tingle spread all over my body, as his aura and energy meshed with mine.  He looked me in the eyes, leaned over and told me solemnly: “I am here Jonna. I am here.”

To be continued….