The spouse has a very specific role to play in the meeting of the Twin flames, whether they know of their involvement in this “love triangle” or not.

Our natural human instinct is to resist such an idea and feel resentful at having been brought into this situation. After all, this is supposed to be your happily ever after! Nonetheless, do not dismiss the spouse as an “anomaly” in your the otherwise “perfect” love story. Likely, you will be dealing with their presence in both your lives for many years to come.

If you ever wonder whether it’s the spouse’s fault that they are not with us, the answer is; no, not at all. If our beloved really wanted to leave, nothing would stop them. There are many reasons why people choose to remain married even after encountering (and more importantly, acknowledging) their twin. We may feel resentful towards their girlfriend/ partner/spouse and suspect all sort of fear-based tactics to keep them from moving on but often the reasons behind the decision originate from the person’s own psyche, rather than the act of being held hostage by the spouse.

For those who stay, the conflict is often palpable. There will be many times of self-doubt – doubts they may even share with you. They will approach you, only to run back – over and over. Years ago, I likened my beloved to a lost puppy who always eventually ran back home with his tail between his legs (not an attractive look for a grown man). When this happens, no matter how much we plead for integrity, for clarity, for truth – all we get is projections, avoidance and hurt. He may even tell you how “happily married” he is and how much he is looking forward to spending the rest of his life with his spouse – in pretty much the same breath as confessing his undying soul love for you. Total Mind Fuck 101 if you ask me.

The learning curve as a “third wheel” is steep. It takes you on an inner journey which eventually allows you to find peace with the situation. Your love for them will be the signpost on your road towards wholeness. You discover that all the tools and knowledge needed to deal with the situation are already within you. Although the love will always feel just as strong, if not more, the emotional attachment to a certain type of relationship will subside and give place to a more balanced desire to remain in each other’s lives without rushed decisions or ultimatums. Your spiritual and emotional development will push you to expand your understanding of all the emotional, psychological and mental issues that keep people stuck in situations that no longer serve them.  You will actually start to feel compassionate towards your beloved and their spouse – and perhaps even examine your own marriage/relationships for what the right course of action is for you, regardless of whether your beloved chooses to act or not.

Consider this: what if, somewhere in all of this, are lessons and growth to actually benefit your connection and to grow the mutual love between you and your beloved? Here are some of the deeper reasons why they have chosen to stay – and how to turn them into stepping stones on the journey of self discovery and spiritual growth.

1. The spouse validates how he sees himself

Have you ever driven yourself crazy questioning why if they love you so much they still choose to remain in a codependent marriage? It is important to understand that every relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, serves to support our own self-perception. Often the ego has decided to protect the “true self” by hiding it behind a number of socially construct personas; the Good Christian, the Man of the World, the Happily Married Man, the Long-Suffering Wife. These constructs of the ego help reinforce how they see themselves: as a victim, a “caretaker”, a person in need of constant validation – or a “shithead”, like my beloved sometimes called himself.

The thing about being a shithead is that it gives you permission to behave like one. The cheating, the heart breaking – it’s all justified if you’re a shithead. Dare to question it and you get blamed for having “expectations” and not seeing them for the “real” person they are. Is it any wonder then that such a person would find it near impossible to trust the unconditional love you claim to feel for them? Instead of a dream come true, it will seem like a trick, and instead of convincing them of your genuine feelings, you will in fact be arousing suspicion in them. Rather than feeling excited at the prospect of someone loving them for their true self, they are convinced all you would find is disappointment.

Instead of trying to make them see it, understand the importance of self-love. You may love and accept your beloved in equal measure for both their light and darkness, their goodness and their imperfections. It isn’t however until they themselves recognise the same that they become receptive to such love. Until then, they will feel much more at ease with someone who reminds them daily of just how imperfect they are rather than someone who sees perfection in them. Although we are naturally inclined to feel sorry for such a person, they often play an active role in keeping things as they are through mutually reinforced behaviours. They may be scared to step up – afraid of abandonment, or of rejection. Unfortunately, many are simply not ready for a union of equals, a union of transparency and presence – and prefer relationships with intense ups and downs but none of the depth.

2. They are entangled energetically

Sometimes the soul knows something we are not ready to accept; that there are other energetic ties which stand in the way. This applies both ways – whether it is you who is married, or them. Until the existing relationships dissolve naturally the “twin” will continue to run from you, failing to see what is actually being offered. This other energy will be felt through the spiritual cords that bind the lovers, so even if you lie to them or lead them to believe your single/available their soul still knows the truth and they will behave accordingly.

The push-pull and hot-cold behaviors are caused by the internal struggle between the heart and the soul. The heart wants union yet the soul keeps them from actually taking the steps required. Someone in another blog described this beautifully: the heart doesn’t want to respect these boundaries, yet the soul keeps them from actually crossing the line. Oftentimes this gives us the impression of being “lead on” where in fact it’s only their heart showing you the truth while their soul is holding them from fully expressing it.

Instead, accept your relationship as it is. Love him or her ‘no strings attached’, without pushing for more. This means, not to compromise your or their integrity by ‘cheating’ or trying to break up their marriage, but rather leaving it to the them and their spouse to work out their own issues in their time and way. In the meantime, your genuine love and reverence for your beloved will keep you from acting out; you wouldn’t dream of ever wanting to hurt or interfere with the marriage of the one you love. Your inner guidance will tell you this.

3. The spouse is helping him work through his karma / life lessons

Since we are here to accelerate each other’s evolutionary growth, it makes sense that we would catapult each other forward when there is stagnation. The arrival of our beloved often exposes all the inner work that lies ahead of us. While we work on ourselves, inevitably they will be doing the same. Oftentimes, the purpose of the spouse is to assist them in their inner/karmic work. If the marriage is left abruptly, the necessary lessons will not be learnt and the person is more likely to either return to the marriage or pursue another relationship in order to finish the task.

Instead, realize that we all have certain things we came here to do. Some of these things must take priority over our desire to be with our beloved. Meeting them is not an excuse to avoid work we came here to do, but rather a catalyst which should push us to do just that. You are all part of a bigger picture, where all the different parts of the puzzle fit and interact together in various ways.

4. The spouse fits the old template and patterns

Very often, a married party/parties will have emotionally checked out of the marriage long before meeting their “twin”. This may however not stop them from staying since they often also hold deep rooted beliefs, such as that marriage lasts forever. They may believe divorce is bad and that as much as they love you, you are leading them down the wrong path.

Society lays a heavy expectation on those who marry to sign up for LIFE.  There will in most cases be support for the marriage to continue from friends and family around, regardless of what has gone on, regardless of the happiness of everyone involved.

The dilemma of the married twin is not an easy one. The whole idea of having to stay married out of obligation or responsibility is becoming obsolete and is no longer serving anyone – not even the spouse that the married party is trying to “protect”. So many marriages nowadays fall into the “Not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to fulfil you” category. Some marriages become life partnerships –  a new form of bond which leaves us untouched to our core but allows us to alleviate the guilt of the marriage not having worked out.  Somehow even infidelity has become more acceptable than drawing a line and starting over.

Instead, remember that you are not here to step into that old template and make it all perfect for them. That is a romantic fantasy which will only leave you disillusioned and confused. Bringing a spiritual CONNECTION (“We are each the masters of our happiness”) to the level of an old paradigm marriage (“It is your job to make me happy”) cannot work. This pattern is a much lower vibrational template which simply cannot accommodate the “twin” dynamic and its exponential potential for growth… Very often, we mistakenly assume that just because our beloved isn’t hurrying to marry us that they do not love us – whereas often the truth is that they cannot engage for that very reason. As a spouse, within the kind of marriage they have come to know, they may not have much to offer. Our beloved is a FRIEND OF OUR SOUL (not our ego) and so no matter how many times we attempt to fit the dynamic into the familiar relationship patterns, we always end up flat on our face. Our beloved cannot enable our old patterns – and vice versa… It’s not how the connection is wired.

5. He is relatively happy where he is

What if their heart is with both you and the spouse? What if loving one person does not mean cancelling out the love for another? I know there are many who feel this way. Maybe they have resigned to a certain type of partnership which allows them the space to breathe and don’t feel the need to rock the boat for something that would engage their whole being.

If such is the case, do not ever envy what your beloved has with their spouse or life partner. Respect their existing relationship and seek not to deliberately interfere with it. True love does not seek to bind – it is not about ownership.  Always remember that nothing or no one can replace the connection between you. You are, always were and always will be part of each other in a way that should never render either one of you insecure. It is what it is.

Instead, offer something new and different. What you really want is more of what you already have. You need to build it together, to suit you both. You are here to call your beloved to become more aware of the patterns which limit their growth and block their evolution; not as person constantly pointing fingers at their dysfunction BUT as someone who stands in the light of consciousness and unconditional (and sometimes tough) love, offering something completely NEW and healthy. If you truly are mutually soul-connected and they are in deed committed to their evolution, then sooner or later the love you share(d) becomes a benchmark for them to compare all other relationships against. Make sure that when this time comes, this standard is one of love, acceptance, patience and closeness to God – not one of jumping from one broken pattern to another.

In conclusion, I understand none of this is easy. It requires WORK – blood, sweat and tears, or perhaps a very long hibernation… (Sleeping Beauty was onto something, sleeping through it all!). In my experience, recognising union/finding harmony in this dynamic only happens once the limiting patterns are gone and we have learnt to love ourselves fully; not as a rescuer or someone needing to be rescued, but as a sovereign, equal mate to the person who matches our vibration, awakens us and reminds us of home/ God.