As those of you who regularly read my blog know, I have been riding the waves of ascension and reunion for a while now. The metamorphosis which started in 2002 seems to finally be coming to an end. As much as my writings are a lifeline for me, the shifts and challenges have been such that I haven’t been able to post any new material for a while. I am treading on unchartered territory here! Nevertheless, during this time of intense transformation I have been left in no doubt about the importance of surrender and of having faith in the process. Staying surrendered creates miracles – and it definitely has for my Union.
When I started writing this blog almost a year ago as a testimony of love for the man I refer to here as my twin flame as well as a declaration of faith in the twin flame journey, I had no idea how I would navigate the huge changes I saw coming my way. This year however I have felt the hand of fate push me into the direction I had always known I needed to take, reaffirming what I always knew. As a result, guided by events which seemed to come to my aide, I finally left my marriage of eight years; something that was long overdue for reasons completely unrelated to my twin flame. Divorce is never an easy solution and with small children involved even less so. However nothing new is ever birthed without pain.
One of the most popular questions I receive on my blog is what is going on with my Union – and what happened since the events in my posts Twin Flame reunion: Self-Love as the Key to Illumination (Part 1) and (Part 2). There are many reasons as to why I haven’t shared this part of my journey yet. Firstly, the magnitude of events was such that it required me to take time out, not only to act upon the guidance prompting me to move into the new, but also to allow myself to believe in what I was hearing and seeing from my twin flame. I wanted to keep it close to my heart because of how precious every interaction with him during the past year has been. It is still hard for me to open up about the events of the past months; in particular as it relates to things he has revealed to me and all the long lost dreams and hopes this has reignited in me. Even more so, it has been difficult because it exposes how vulnerable he makes me; how he alone has the power to turn my ultimate dreams into reality – or to crush them, once again.
The thing is; I have been feeling empowered, happy with where I am going and with myself ever since I started practising self-love. Nevertheless, there is no denying that loving me equals loving him. As I open myself up more and more to him, to Love, to our Union, I still find myself at times wishing I had worked more on myself. Although I have surrendered and learnt to control the triggers, remaining in balance is still a challenge. I can only imagine what turmoil he has gone through during this time: after all, how would you feel if your twin flame returned to you after a decade of being married to someone else, just as you had finally made peace with yourself, with your religion and with your wife?
I have come to understand that the twin flame union is a balancing act: not only of the inner masculine and feminine energies but also of the intense energy between the twins. To make it lasting requires the unwavering, eyes-wide-open participation of both twins. Both must trust that everything happens for a reason and according to divine timing. One twin simply cannot force the other into Union – even though the progress one twin makes on their spiritual path is often quickly replicated by the other. The only real tool that we have for making our Union happen is our own spiritual growth. Union only comes at the end of the process – and cements itself into the physical when both twins have reached a level of spiritual and emotional maturity and CHOOSE to step up as co-creators.
Since I reconnected with my twin last year, I have kept “eyes on my paper”, enduring long silences, doing my best to allow his conflicting messages about our past, present and future without judgement, demands or expectations, preferring to trust my deep inner knowing about where things are headed for us. I have stopped trying to give him all the answers, or even thinking that I have them. I want him to feel empowered and not give his power away to anyone, not even me. I prefer to allow the cosmic laws to operate in their own timing, trusting the journey and staying concentrated on bringing forth what is REAL for me. Amazingly, this seems to then, in its own time, allow my reality to reorganise and manifest itself in the most perfect ways.
As I share a little more of my story, you must understand that what has happened in my Union is nothing short of a miracle; something only this divine, transformative love with its endless creative potential can give birth to. Last time my twin flame opened up about his feelings for me almost a decade ago, he denied that we had any soulmate/partner/wife love chemistry whatsoever and told me how he had never ever pictured me as a potential girlfriend, wife, or the other half, including the moments he caressed me, kissed me or made love to me. He also told me that the physical side of the relationship had been a bonus and a “different kind of a physical communication and nourishment”, insisting that this was how he had felt from day one – and how difficult it had always been to make me understand this. He also believed I had expectations and was trying to make him to be something he did not want to be. Our wonderful time together hadn’t been a game play or a lie, he said, however it was only ever meant to be a temporary thing and our reunion, as passionate and emotional as it had been, had been a “mistake”.
I don’t think anyone can call me delusional for not believing a word he said. After all, this was the man who from the first time he laid his eyes on me pursued me endlessly, and with whom I passionately reunited with three years later. He was also the man who always made it clear to me that our connection and the feelings I ignited in him were not only special, overwhelming and eternal, but unlike anything he had ever known with anyone else. During times together and apart we shared many metaphysical, telepathic, synchronistic and energetic events. Even in his attempts to friend-zone me he CONSTANTLY crossed the line, even when I asked him not to and sincerely offered my friendship and acceptance of his choice to remain married. We were forever floating between him ignoring me – and then flirting, sharing wonderful moments and deep, spiritual conversations with promises of things to come. And although he reassured me of our special friendship, “filled with caring & sharing,” he constantly failed to be just that; a friend.
What he didn’t understand was that I was not expecting a romantic relationship out of him; I had known from the start that what we chose to be to each other in this life could never change the fact that we are One. What I wanted was to have a chance to be what we already were, without calibration, dilemmas or him shutting me out because he wasnt’t able to handle his feelings for me. In my mind, the field of possibilities of what we could be was – and still is – so vast.
As you can imagine, I was heartbroken and angry when he told me this. I was beyond the point of caring: the emotional price had become too much to pay. I understood that for him to feel the real power of the connection and our love, I had to allow him the time and space to feel it without my interference. After all, if he really thought the connection was temporary and I was trying to force it, then what better way for him to see clearly than with me long gone, no longer a part of his life, yet with the connection persisting and with his feelings for me not only remaining but growing, bringing him ever closer to Love, to Source, to himself, to me.
Certainly if I trusted what I knew already back then, he would one day see the light yet I had no way of knowing if it would be in this lifetime. It took every bit of my strength to let go of my dearest dream of having a life – or even a friendship – with him but I did it, putting all my faith into knowing that I would be with him again if and when it was meant to be. When I met my husband and started a family, I didn’t think I would ever get the opportunity to be with him again in this lifetime.
After he broke his five month long silence with his email telling me about the overwhelming emotions and nostalgia my words had ignited in him, he disappeared again. His words unleashed so many thoughts and feelings in me that I wrote at length about integrity, moral dilemmas, marriage and surrender, intending to share it all with him – until I realised this too was a pattern I needed to break. Previously every time I sought to connect with him I would bombard him with deep, spiritual emails, high on love – after all, I am a writer! However I didn’t wish to overwhelm him anymore, or to make him feel like he could never adequately reply to me. Instead, since he had mentioned his surrender, I decided to share with him my own personal journey into surrender and the realisations it brought regarding our beautiful connection.
Even though I wasn’t hearing from him, the deepest sense of serenity, of guidance, of being closer than ever to him and to Source, came over me. I knew something big was happening. I felt the celestial magnets being switched on again: this wasn’t the first time I had experienced this painfully exquisite pull to him, however this time it came with clarity about the deeper purpose behind the connection which not only returns the twins to each other but also to Source. I was absolutely certain he was feeling the pull too – and in deed, months later he told me he thought God was drawing us to each other.
Two weeks or so after I wrote to him describing my journey into surrender he finally sought me online late one night. He apologised for his long absence and said that he had been truly very happy that I was writing again and how the repetition and succession of my emails had been a blessing. He spoke of his frustration of not being able to find the words to respond to me or to encourage me to write more. He had wanted me to think about what I wrote and had wanted to “allow himself to believe in it”. Remaining silent to avoid or postpone facing his demons would only ever lead him down the path of mediocrity, he said, and instead he wanted to build something lasting and real. He also revealed that he had been preparing for our discussion by covering the subject I might be talking about from every possible angle, yet deep down he was still expecting me to “uncover unexpected angles”.
That night, for the first time in almost a decade, we chatted. Mostly it was about God and surrender, but also about our marriages, our connection and his conversion to Islam. His first question; “So, where are you in your spiritual journey?” set the tone of the conversation. He also right away asked about my marriage and how things were. I knew with my husband we were headed for separation but I didn’t want to put any pressure on my twin flame to feel like I was expecting him to do the same so I avoided the subject, telling him simply that things were difficult with my husband being away so much.
He told me he had relished in all my emails and told me how amazed he was at me; we seemed to be feeling, thinking and experiencing all the same things. Even the triggers and fears that had prompted his growth and realisations were mostly the same as mine – and seemed to have happened pretty much simultaneously. We were so in alignment that he asked me whether I had become a Muslim too. He suggested we had reached a level of spiritual and emotional maturity at the same time and asked me if I didn’t mind him “testing me” without me thinking that he was trying to be argumentative, as he “wanted to be sure”.
He told me that he cares for me and wants me to be the best I can be, and more importantly accepts me just the way I am. “You are perfect to me”, he said. He spoke about being a truly changed man through his surrender to God, and how he had finally found peace. He told me that he still struggles with his fears, mortality and imperfections every day but also that the deeper he goes into surrender, the more empowered he feels. I was blown away by the accuracy of my guidance – this was what I had always known would happen.
He told me that if he was to pursue a life partner this would be in alignment with what God wants: a “realistic love and affection that would allow both of us to fulfil our purpose in life for the love and pleasure of God”. This partnership, he said, would be serious, binding and REAL with no ifs, buts, doubts… and all the way. He also spoke of the “complementary polarity” which we share and which I had so beautifully described in my emails, and quoted a verse from the Quran speaking about the love and affection God has placed between a husband and wife. With surrender and the shifting reality, he said, even the idea of twin flames and their return to Source had become a “reality”, instead of a delusion. He spoke about patience (Sabr), and about preparation, which he said this was all part of.
Clearly from what he was telling me there were feelings and something was pushing him into being vulnerable with me again, but he also told me we should not just let ourselves go with our whims & desires; in fact, he would not be encouraging a romantic or sexual relationship as long as he was still a married man. I fully agreed with him: the last thing I was looking for was an affair; however the way he worded his sentence made me think there might be a time in the future where he would no longer be a married man; that is, until he told me he was looking forward to spending the “rest of his life” with his wife. Naturally, I asked him to be clear with me since I had no interest in interfering with his decisions or his marriage. His happiness and surrender meant the world to me; I didn’t want to disturb his newfound peace and serenity. I only wanted to have a real friendship, if nothing else, with him and I did not want to lose him again.
He asked me not to stop and that with my prayers he might acquire the “true vision”. He said that after all, it is only through intense fire that the transformation of metal into gold can ever happen and told me to bring on the flames. He was speaking alchemy – and as any bona fide twin flame knows, alchemy, “the seemingly magical process of transformation, creation and combination” is exactly what takes place for the twin flame coupling. In my heart I was convinced: he knew and he had always known. To add to the confusion later on in the conversation he alluded to the divine revelations I had been getting about us and told me that if they were in fact true, he would divorce his wife and be like me. He reassured me that he wasn’t trying to be sarcastic but that he truly wanted me to think about it and to enlighten him.
For me, the entire conversation that night reflected his internal conflict about whether he really believed that love like this could exist between humans. As much as he alluded to my “pie in the sky” unrealistic ideal of love, and suggested that maybe I was going through a temporary crisis in my marriage and that I had perhaps “only recently woken up”, he also spoke of his admiration of me for being a “true seeker” and for holding the divine secret; and for having always been able to reach the “realm of the sublime and divine”. He asked me if I would share “my amazing connection” with him. On the other hand, he had worked out the statistics on our time together to demonstrate that it really wasn’t that long at all – as if time meant anything for our connection.
More importantly, after all these years he told me that he had always loved me and had never ceased to love me, or to have affection for me. He had never forgotten me in his thoughts and prayers. And the chemistry, which he had insisted was “non-existant” between us, had of course always been there, however he had dismissed the connection as “temporary” as he was not able to discern between sexual and spiritual chemistry at the time. He believed God sent me to him and vice versa, to challenge us, to expand us and guide us to his path, to his truth, to our eternal life & salvation, to peace and serenity. This, he said, reminds us how fragile we are but at the same token, empowers us to what is our purpose in life. God willing, if we both prayed for it, he said, then God would lead us to it.
That night we talked for over 8 hours straight until I had to leave for work the following morning. Although he signed off lovingly, telling me he wanted to speak to me again soon to find out more about my situation, he disappeared for another couple of months. My head was left spinning with what he said, the love that I felt, the hidden meanings, his conflict, whether I was misinterpreting what he said and the changes I would have to make in my life to follow this path. I knew I was exposing myself to heartache. Yet I was reassured from within: give me time; be patient, this is all for the purpose of our Union.