Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

Those of you who’ve lived through the devastation of a twin flame separation know that I am not exaggerating when I say that the immense confusion, pain and torment of losing your twin is UNLIKE ANY OTHER PAIN.

Bursts of sobbing will explode from your body to sounds of anguish such as you’ve never made before, nor will again. You will cry yourself dry. The soaring pain alone will take your breath away; it will be an ordeal just to inhale. You will feel numb and empty as your life with your twin flashes before your eyes. But you are not dying.. No, no, no… You will have no such release. You may feel like the living dead, but you will be fully aware that this perverse, cruel twist of faith is just the beginning of a long journey back to the One you yearn for.

Welcome to the land of deepest night, of utter darkness and agony. This is the purgatory of twin flame separation.

Twin flame separation is definitely a catalyst for a huge existential crisis. We can hardly pick ourselves off the floor, yet we’re meant to go back to living our lives as if nothing happened? The loss of the twin is the loss of so much more than just the person: it is a loss of identity, of a new world, of a new reality; it’s the loss of who we were becoming and who we thought we were; the loss of a future; and more importantly, the loss of the belief that we too might be deserving of this ecstatic and blissful eternal love which we always knew existed.

This is how I once described our first separation.

There is nothing more disorientating than having to ask ourselves “Was it all a lie? Was it all an illusion?” about something that we had only just recognized as the most real.. no.. the ONLY REAL thing in our life. The answer of course is “no.” This was no figment of your imagination. However, separation from our twin leaves us questioning EVERYTHING. E V E R Y T H I N G. Some of my first questions (after the obvious “WHY GOD, WHY???!!” x 1,000,000!!), were all centered around love and what this truly meant. What is love? Is Romantic “love” love? Had I ever really loved anyone? Had anyone ever really loved me? What models of love had I grown up with? Why was the love my twin and I shared so different from anything else, etc.

One thing to be said about twin flame separation is that with the right focus, frame of mind and intent, it is possible to find comfort, purpose and even JOY in our quest to rebuild ourselves. Every opportunity is given to us to either renew our commitment to the path, or to pace ourselves – sometimes even taking “time out” to explore other relationships. However, there is not enough time in this world to allow you to forget your twin flame. Time is not your friend as the passage of time only serves to cement the connection. There is simply no way to permanently forget someone who is part of you, someone who’s energy you carry within, someone whose presence occupies your very being. They say “time heals all wounds” and “out of mind, out of sight,” but with the twin flame, you will always be left with an itch you can’t quite scratch…

The pairing of twins often go around in circles for a number of years in preparation for union. Stamina, patience, faith and honesty: these are just some of the things the journey demands of us. There are layers of separation to peel away gradually as we move through the cycles of the twin flame reunion; just as there are layers of truth to uncover the further we venture into the Self.  The question here is: how deep have we dared to go in our own healing journey? At first the tedious work of bringing everything to surface may seem never ending, painful and unproductive. However, with every old pattern and obstacle we clear, union and its meaning come more clearly into focus.

With time, the separations grow shorter and the togetherness deeper, as the twins come into balance, stop being triggered and heal their emotional body in the process. It is within the gift of each twin flame coupling to stop the endless cycle of push and pull, the triggering and the unbalanced dynamic of running & chasing, and ultimately create the life that both twins always knew was theirs to claim. Many twins are finding the urge to align with their destiny and their position within the divine plan at this time; taking full accountability for their part of the twin flame reunion and in the process holding that space for the other to do the same. How long this takes depends on decisions each has taken along their path.

Separation, as painful as it initially is, is not a sign of failure. It is part of the work. This is all part of the preparation, like my twin once said. Separation is preparation.

There is no such thing as an instant, permanent twin flame union. Twins are supposed to trigger one another, bother and upset each other, and cause havoc. Union itself is a gradual and mostly internal process and a product of spiritual growth. The journey is the purpose: to become fully who we are meant to be; to learn and radiate unconditional love; to return Home. One of the prerequisites of union is that the twin flame couple enters into it fully conscious. Whilst the first meeting of the Twins is a divinely orchestrated event, the twin flame reunion is a matter of consciousness. It’s a choice; it is a commitment from both twins to follow the path signposted for them under God’s guidance. This means that not only will everything happen in divine timing, but also that we can’t ever really mess up what is meant for us.

While many physical unions may still be “work in progress”, often twin couples find that they are already united as ONE in all the ways that matter. The physical reunion is merely a natural and inevitable consequence of their deeper energetic and vibrational alignment, and therefore it is by making changes on the inside that they can change the outside. This is one of the reasons that twins, even in lengthy separations, tend to gravitate towards each other from time to time; to check in with each other, to compare notes and to – consciously or subconsciously – judge the other twin’s spiritual progress. This helps them recalibrate and hone in on what still needs work. This is all part of the preparation.

During this time, trust the process. Allow your twin to find their way. This proverb, a firm favorite of my twin’s, reminds us of something important: love is freedom. We cannot own a person, or their journey. It is theirs, and theirs only.

“If you love someone set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If they don’t, they never were.” 

When I reunited with my twin for the first time after a three year separation in 2005, one of the first things he told me was: “I knew you were like a little bird I had to let go. I knew you would one day fly back to me. You will always fly back to me.” And so it has been. Now, I don’t know how many effing times I am supposed to fly away but one thing I do know: I will always come back to him. There is immense reassurance and peace in knowing that. When it’s time to soar, I can do this with joy and excitement for the adventure ahead.. and when it’s time to return home, I know he will there, waiting for me with his arms open.

Last summer I was once again pulled back into closeness with my twin. I was adamant that I would do whatever it takes to end the cycles of connection and separation between us. It stops here, I told myself, regardless of what he does, I am NOT running anymore. Ever.  So, I put my antennae out in order to hear what was expected of me. The message came back loud and clear: You need to commit. I immediately understood what this commitment means. It doesn’t mean: I resign to a life of loneliness, waiting for a man who simply is not – nor might ever be – available. No. It means: I surrender to my life call, my destiny and the guidance that I am afforded in each moment. It means: no turning back, “no ifs, buts or doubts – and all the way,” like my twin once said. My body, heart and soul will no longer allow me to settle for anything less than the soul-shaking, transformative, home-bound love I have only ever felt with my twin. I must follow its sweet perfume until I find my way home. On the surface, this makes no sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to ME. 

The night after I made my commitment, I had a dream. I rarely remember my dreams, but when I do they usually involve my Twin. More importantly, they always include a message which tells me where he is at in his spiritual progress.

In the dream, I was back in my childhood home. There was a crowd of people there, with commotion and loud conversation. Everyone was rushing to get in: dark clouds were starting to form and the skies were about to open with torrential rain. With great concern, I scanned the outdoors for him but couldn’t see him anywhere. My anxiety was growing: IS HE HERE? IS HE COMING? I stood aside from the crowd; my heart beginning to sink, ready to resign to his absence. I took position across the doorway and then, from across the room, I saw a familiar figure. Ours eyes crossed in anticipation. My heart jumped. He walked over, crossed the doorway and stopped right in front of me, standing as close to me as he possibly could without touching me. I would have recognized him simply from the way his energy felt. All my senses heightened and that familiar tingle spread all over my body, as his aura penetrated mine.  He looked me in the eyes, leaned over and told me firmly: “I am here Jonna. I am here.”