How to describe to you the exquisite beauty, the tender anticipation and blissful, all-encompassing LOVE LOVE LOVE of this moment.
My heart is wide open, like never before. No matter what happens, I know this is the ONLY way for me. This love has pushed me to journey deep into myself for the past 20 years and has slowly transformed me inside out. As I open my eyes, for the first time in two decades, I am seeing my outside world reflect what is within me. It is of breathtaking allure, filled with hope, peace and freedom. Nothing no one, even him, can say or do will change or shake the truth that I live with every day: I am deeply, undeniably, irreversibly in love with myself, my life, God and him.
I don’t just love him with the highest love which calls me home to God and which at times has seemed out of reach. I am in love with the very imperfect and complex REAL man that he is. Nonetheless, he has always been perfect in my eyes. His darkness, his contradictions and choices that may have taken him away from me, do not make him any less deserving of my unconditional love. To love myself fully, is to love him.
The unstoppable momentum of our connection seems to have shifted gears and timelines. My guides are telling me, there is no longer anything to do. Now, it is time to simply hold space, allow and receive. I am to become luminous with this love, which now permeates every cell of my being from within. The energy that radiates from me as I fully step into my power feels magnetic. I am to follow the guidance that is placed upon my heart by God towards my deepest desires and highest path. Was this God’s Perfect Plan all along?
Somehow, I no longer have any doubts. There is no room for them. They have all dissipated and been replaced by a deep unshakeable knowing that this is my destiny. I know, to the millionth degree, that this man was sent to me by God. The closeness I feel to both God and him every time I think of either is undeniable. There is nowhere else for me to run, to turn to, to lay my head to rest upon. This is the truth that I always knew, but which has now become my only REALITY.
Old pain is still coming up but somehow it is no longer triggering like before. It feels residual. The signs and synchronicities that surround us in this moment are multiple, undeniable and magical and the path unfolding in front of me dynamic and more glorious than I could ever have imagined. The eternal sun now peaks through the clouds and illuminates a heavenly staircase all the way to eternity – to the City of Lights Blinding, to our Home. I am to take his hand and, together, rise in love.
Rightfully, my whole life has become a prayer to travel only my highest path and to fulfil my highest purpose, and within that prayer, my union with him has become my most sincere wish for compliance. The seed of this human love which tastes like Heaven has grown heavy within me. From the depths of my soul, something blooms. I feel this new growth reaching out to touch, to live, to breathe, to dance. As it grows in anticipation of the right moment to finally unfold fully, it continues to crush my insides every time I breathe in. Yet this is not a pain of suffering; this is the exquisite pain from which something NEW is borne into this world. My only prayer at this time is that God may grant us finally the fruit of this beautiful love he planted in our hearts all that time ago. Funnily, pretty much straight after I visualised the flower metaphor, my twin wrote to me: “We are meant to blossom and flourish (as pairs) in a nurturing and safe environment.”
Another thing he once told me is: “You will always come back to me.” Wasn’t that the truth: the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!! All my attempts to walk away were always going to be futile. I always knew that I would have to keep returning, time and time again, no matter how long it took, to face the deep Love I always believed in. I have faith that God did not bind our spiritual paths, hearts and secret longings together in this way unless he meant for us to be together. I have always wished for him the greatest love of all. I somehow knew that if he found it, I would too.
I have come a long way in these past years in seeking to align myself with God’s plan for me, as I know he has also done with his. I have to trust that we are both doing our best and always have been. There are no instruction manuals to this, other than what is found in the heart of a true Believer. I also trust that if God wants two people to be drawn together, he will move BOTH of them. Not just one. Nothing that I say or do will move his heart in the same way God can. This path is a process. These intense changes and shifts take time to filter through the heart. Through the purification of the heart and God’s guidance, we eventually find our own voice, our heart, our home and, possibly, our union.
And if I am not meant to be with him, then I will know for sure that my twin is that juicy carrot God has been tangling in front of me all this time, pushing me towards my highest path and purpose, His truth and our eternal life. The way he always reads my mind, reflects me/ within me, speaks my words back to me as if they were his own, sees straight into my soul and always knows the buttons to push to get me to the next state, the next spiritual station; it all adds up to pure, unadulterated miracles. This is how much God wants us to love each other and how much He loves us. Not with a half a heart, but with every part of our heart, soul and being; even those parts we perceive as ugly, unworthy or unlovable. He alone is proof to me that God exists. He is the magic, the magician and the boy with shiny eyes of wonder, all rolled into one.
I know that even in this moment of divine guidance, I am not to hold onto him or any particular outcome. Rather, it is at this very moment that I am meant to LET GO of him, once and for all. There is no longer a “need” for him, as only God can fulfil me. Only He knows what is best for me and I will humbly accept what he chooses to bring into my life – be it my twin or not.
I will always be grateful to God for our eternal love, special friendship and the spiritual guidance which brings us together, for whatever reasons, known or unknown. I appreciate how he awakens me, challenges me, teaches me, nourishes me, teases me, calms my spirit, pushes me towards God and towards a greater purpose, stirs my feathers, polishes my soul, supports me, heals me, protects me, prays for me, accepts me, learns from me, trusts me, envelopes me with his love like a garment I pull around me tightly to keep warm, brings on the flames, uplifts me to a place where I can just be myself and finally, allows me to become all that I am meant to be. He is an earth angel of inspiration of the highest order. The only thing that compares to him here in this world is God’s love.
Dear souls…..He has been hinting at coming to see me in Finland. I know now that if such a visit is to happen, it must be entirely without me trying to control it. I cannot expect to guard my heart, because when I do, I come across unauthentic and vice versa. True love requires the true self, with no masks, promises, protocols or conditions whatsoever. We are not to make agreements with each other. Our only agreement is with God, through submission to what he wants for us and from us.
Rumi says “Seek the path that demands your whole being.” This love is such a path.
To love myself fully is to love him. To become who I am meant to be, is to love him. To love God completely, is to be with him. To allow myself to feel the love God wants for me, is to be with him.
It must be real. It is my life. It is my self.
It is the part of me that I have become.
May God, if this is His will, lead us to it. InchaAllah.