So TRUE! “All true change comes first through acceptance and awareness of what is happening NOW”. This is so relevant to ANY spiritual journey, not just that of the Twin Flames! What is needed is awareness of why we are feeling the need to block a part of ourselves, be it a painful emotion, a difficult relationship etc. – and being able to find love for ourselves no matter what the circumstances. The road of spiritial bypass is a long detour that does nothing but delay our progress and happiness. Instead, let’s face the NOW head & heart first! đ
Often when we have a lack of acceptance in the conditions of our life, the challenges we face, the emotions we donât want to feel, the reality we donât want to see, the healing on ourselves we donât want to doâŚ.we face the temptation of spiritual bypass.
Spiritual bypass is a tactic of escape.  And one that does not work, really, because ultimately if we are truly doing spiritual work on ourselves, the truth always comes out.  The feelings always come up.  The issues become exposed and the dirty laundry is aired, at least to yourself đ But instead of welcoming the clearing or healing process, we think we are making a mistake, because we donât âfeel good.â  This is where spiritual maturity comes in.  We are spiritually mature when we understand that we do not need to constantly chase down the âfeel goodâ feelings.  That no matter what isâŚ
Kundalini is the ancient Sanskrit name for the primal life force that animates all living beings. The activation of this energy, also known as Holy Spirit, Chi or Prana, initiates the process of spiritual growth and enlightenment by unifying our body, mind, and soul. Since it originates from the Divine Source, it leads into an expanded state of consciousness and interconnects us with all living beings – and ultimately God. It also unveils our true nature, nourishing our individual uniqueness and validating our sacred purpose – while encouraging others to do the same. Since the illumination of the kundalini in the brain allows a person to discern the truth of Oneness, all self-realised persons see this same truth.
This seed or spark of god energy lies dormant within us, coiled tightly around our root chakra awaiting the time of our spiritual awakening. Once ignited, the kundalini fire moves up through the rest of the Chakras (energy centres), activating each of them in turn by burning away any blockages that it meets on its way, causing negative emotions to rise to the surface to be cleared. Once all blockages cleared, the energy reaches the top of the head and passes through the crown Chakra, where it melds with the descending flow of spiritual energy, namely universal consciousness and God. In the resulting sacred mystical experience, known as Kundalini Awakening, we find not only the decisive proofs that God exists but also the secret to living this human life as divine beings.
This same principle – that lifeâs ultimate truth & treasure lies within us, exists in every great religious, spiritual and wisdom tradition, from Jesusâ âThe kingdom of God is within youâ (Luke 17:21) to Prophet Muhammadâs (PBUH) âMan is my mystery and I am his mystery, for I am he himself and he is also I myselfâ and the Quranic âWe are closer to him than [his] jugular veinâ (Quran 50:16). In the Hindu tradition, Oneness is reached through the union & spiritual marriage of the divine masculine and feminine, where Kundalini Shakti, the Goddess, rises to the head and reunites with the Supreme Being Lord Shiva.Â
Why & how do people seek to awaken their kundalini?
An awakened kundalini creates a direct connection to the spiritual and divine realms and opens up our intuition; enabling us to receive messages and revelations coloured with inspiration. We are able to tap into the Universal Consciousness and akashic records; to receive downloads of extraordinary wisdom & knowledge and more importantly, to commune with God through our âthird eyeâ. It is for this very reason that all spiritual and religious traditions seek the release of this life force energy actively, either through a systematic approach of exercises, breath practise, prayer or meditation. Even the Muslim prayer position where the forehead repetitively touches the ground seeks to awaken the Kundalini, in the same way that Yoga does.
Our kundalini can also be awakened through more passive means, such as a path of surrender where one lets go of all the impediments to awakening. Often this passive awakening (known as shaktipat) happens through a spiritual transmission or spark from a âteacherâ, whose kundalini has already been awakened. This can happen during a physical or ethereal encounter, and can be intentional or not. This only raises the kundalini temporarily but gives the student an experience to use as the basis. Kundalini can also be triggered or released by an outside force such as a traumatic accident, near-death experience or emotional trauma.
Will meeting my Twin Flame raise my kundalini?
A kundalini awakening is one of the effects of coming into contact with your Twin flame. It is the very purpose of your Twin Flame to burst into your life in divine timing to spark you into remembrance of your true infinite & immortal nature. The force required to release the pulsating, creative kundalini energy is atomic â just like the nuclear fusion of the complementary polarities of the energetic bodies of the Twin Flames!
When Twin Flames connect this ignites the eternal fire of kundalini within them. Often the ignition happens through sexual union, however it can also happen through online contact, hearing our twin flame’s voice, spending time with them etc. The reason the physical contact is not required is that twin flames are connected to each other through the 5-body system; of which physical togetherness is only a small part. The awakening of the Kundalini is a gradual process and the symptoms leading up to the energy reaching the crown chakra producing self-realization and englightenment can take years. This process can take longer if the Twin Flames have not physically consumed their union since it is their sexual union through the sacred marriage/alchemical union (also known as hieros gamos) which helps bring on the union on all levels.
The reason a full-blown kundalini awakening rarely happens immediately upon meeting the Twin Flame is that it is often only through separation that their passion for each other becomes internally validated and their egos heal sufficiently to allow the merging can take place. This is where, even when the Twin Flames are no longer in physical contact, the energy connecting their central nervous system and five major organs will be linked up. The awakening now emerges from the unconscious interaction with the energy body of our Twin, often cumulating after we have reached a moment of surrender. The resulting atomic fusion then releases the secrets that are locked within our DNA and changes the frequency vibration of the mental body, sparking unity within ourselves as well as with the Divine.
Once this happens, specific spiritual abilities manifest, such as sensing each otherâs thoughts telepathically and each otherâs energy naturally, even when not physically together. This often also includes an incredible sensation of unconditional love, bliss and desire for our Twin Flame. This does not mean that both Twins are ready for union at this point, it just means that the spark has been ignited and everything from this point on is preparation for their final union together. As the Twins adjust and balance their energies on all levels these entwine and form one single beingâ with the physical level often being the final icing on the cake. Therefore, in reality the kundalini awakening is the awakening of the oneness they once shared.
Sometimes once we get to close proximity of the physical union with our Twin Flame and look back at the beginning of our spiritual awakening it may seem like perhaps our Twin Flame knew about the connection before we did. It is possible â and often the case that one Twin with an already activated Kundalini acts as the âTeacherâ for the other. This may or may not mean that they knew all along that you are their Twin Flame; however they may have been able to have a more balanced view and approach to the whole situation and connection. Often with our spiritual awakening we catch with clarity a glimpse of our definite future with our Twin Flame but we also know that thereâs work to do, including existing soul agreements, before we can reach that point.
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How will I know my kundalini has been activated?
During the gradual awakening process, Kundalini can be felt in various parts of the body, depending on which Chakra is being cleansed and activated. Some of the most common symptoms are tingling, flushes of energy, cold/heat running through various parts of the body, fluttering, twitching of muscles and pinching or burning sensations, and these are felt all along the awakening process.
There are many resources on the internet detailing the various Kundalini symptoms. For example, when kundalini reaches our heart we may feel heat, pressure and movements in heart area, including intense and uneven heartbeats. Our feelings rise to the surface, accompanied by crying, raging, being easily moved to tears etc. When the kundalini reaches our throat Chakra, we feel pressure, aches and pains in our throat, jaw and neck and we find our selves speaking our truth, or even yelling and demanding things that have been suppressed; whereas kundalini on our 3rd eye Chakra brings about headaches with burning, tingling and pulling sensations around the brain and skulls.
Once the kundalini reaches our crown Charkra opens, we experience a full-blown, big bang type expansion of our consciousness. With this we may see some of the rarer symptoms, such as experiencing divine light within, a complete (temporary) paralysis of the physical body or feeling very blissful to the point that it would completely overwhelm your consciousness if you allowed it to. Often a person will experience feelings of spontaneous bliss and ecstasy, as well as intervals of tremendous joy, love and compassion. The kundalini awakening also brings along many psychic experiences, such as pastlife memories, astral travel, awareness of chakras and auras, extrasensory perception, contact with spirit guides, dreams and visions, increased creativity (spiritual music, art, poetry etc.) and healing powers.
Help! Kundalini is making me act crazy!
The overwhelming pressure on our energetic body caused by the meeting with our Twin Flame and everything this brings to surface to be cleared causes our kundalini to rise faster than it otherwise would. Meeting our Twin Flame is already a very intense event, and having our kundalini spontaneously awaken on top of it can be very unsettling and often hits us with no advance warning.
We have all, including the undersigned, acted in ways we hope we could take back when hit with the kundalini fire. We may for a while be unable to process what is happening to us properly and become overloaded. When we are hit by all these energies and the deep knowing of who our Twin Flame is, they are often the first and only person we turn to since we are now acutely feeling them energetically. We know undoubtedly that they have something to do with the energies and believe that because of their magnitude they must be feeling something too. This is also the moment where many become just a bit too obsessive about their Twin Flame, resulting in some desperate behaviours.
We should however keep in mind that our Twin Flame may not have had their spiritual awakening yet, and even if they had they might not be able to make any sense of it, and may be just as freaked out as we are, unable or unwilling to share what is happening to them. Chasing them and coming at them with all the spiritual definitions and Twin Flame theories will only push them further away. It is very important at this point to do whatever it is that you need to do to move the energy along – write, sing, howl at the moon, run in the meadows, cry or laugh like a maniac, see an energy healer and do whatever it takes to find some solid ground to stand on. Your are doing great and probably just as well as anyone would in your situation. You are not alone, you will not become a danger to yourself and you will not lose your mind, although it may feel so!
Personally I found that learning to channel the energy by being attuned to Reiki helped me ground myself and approach the incoming energy in a much more balanced manner. I love writing and found that channelling messages from universal consciousness provided me with an outlet to express the new ideas and the humongous love that I was feeling.
My kundalini awakening – the days leading up to it
Prior to my kundalini awakening I had been running (without really realising that I was the runner) from my Twin Flame for almost 3 years. The story of how I became the runner can be found in one of my previous blog posts “The Folly of Running from Love“. As time went on I rarely thought of him, and when I did it was with great confusion about how something that had felt so divine and so grand and right could go so terribly wrong and finish before it had even properly began. The memories of our time together were shrouded in a cloud of confusion. However, meeting him had forced me to grow and mature spiritually and emotionally, but even then, in the deep of the night, I often felt empty and alone and an existential crisis was brewing within me.
Three months short of three years after our last encounter I was settled in a new country with the same long-term partner I had repeatedly tried to leave upon meeting my Twin Flame. I had an exciting new job, new house, new friends and a new life with lots of international travel, yet I felt empty on the inside. One night out of nowhere I was hit with the most devastating, heart-felt feeling of loss. Was this really my life; is this really what it’s supposed to be like? Is this all? I remember lying on my bed crying, and although I suspected that God rarely looked in my direction, I turned to him in prayer and asked him for help. I said I was ready to accept whatever was in my highest good and I promised that whatever it was I would follow it, honour it and do my best to accept it, no questions asked. Obviously I had no idea what I was committing myself to!
Only a week or so later in April 2005 I was driving home from work in the middle lane of a three-lane motorway. Suddenly a car appeared out of nowhere next to me on my left and veered straight towards the front of my car. To avoid him, I turned the steering wheel sharply towards the lane on my right and to my horror saw in my mirror that there was another car there, almost parallel to me and that I was going to hit it. It all happened very quickly but in my mind I was swearing at the idiot who cut me off and whose fault it was that I was now going to die. Then I became fully conscious; aware of myself as an observer of my mind chatter. My mind was afraid of dying, but the observer wasnât. The observer was not bound by time, space, form; nothing could hurt, scare or kill it. This observer knew only love, peace and serenity.
I seemed to spiral into another dimension where I saw myself with the man I was about to be shown is my Twin Flame; not as two individuals but as ONE being filled with a blissful vibration of love, bathed in intense light. Just like the first time he kissed me, I could feel the touch of his lips on my forehead burning my third eye. We were entangled as one, like a tree wrapped around itself, in an upwards rising double-helix of love surrounded by blissful silence and magical sparkles, out of time and space. I donât know how long this moment lasted but it felt like a slice of eternity.
Suddenly I heard the noise of a car breaking. I had no idea who was breaking; was it me or the other car? While I am convinced to this day that humanely I could have not avoided an accident, I was still in one piece when I opened my eyes. It was over in the blink of an eye but it felt like forever. My whole life was in that moment. Love is All That There Is. Nothing else matters. The kiss on my forehead was a kiss of life, not of death. It was a Welcome home, not a goodbye. It was a new beginning, not an end. It was the reality, not a delusion. I was confused and shaking when I got home. My mind could not process what had happened. I could not for the life in me understand what this man, whom I had only known for a few weeks a couple of years ago, was doing swirling up in what looked like a DNA helix with me, entwined into me as if we were just ONE BEING in love with itself.
The night of my kundalini awakening
A night or two later as I lay alone in my bed wide awake reading I started to notice a series of subtle energy currents running through my body. They were creating almost a tickling sensation, like little wavelets of vibration, very clear and distinct. I felt the vibration in my arms and legs but mostly in the lower half of my trunk. Suddenly the room was filled with intense white light and a magical silence; and along with it a tremendous vibratory energy. As I felt that energy and light, I saw him, my Twin Flame. He appeared at the end of my bed, bathed in light. I had not been in touch with this man for nearly 3 years but there he was; his body like a vehicle of radiant white light.
I could not make out his features but I recognised him instantly from the energy that he was emanating. It was as if he was transparent; the inside of him filled with a very intense, pure white light which was just breathtakingly and incredibly beautiful. The brightest part of the light was around his heart, bright as the sun; albeit smaller. In fact, it was so bright that I raised my arm to cover my eyes but I could still see both him and the light. I smiled as I realised I was also filled with this light. From within me, I heard a voice say loud and clear: âItâs YOU. You were there all alongâ.
With that, he seemed to ignite something in me, and I felt a distinct opening in my heart, very very clearly. In an amazing powerful surge of energy, the kundalini shot through me along my spine, like a pulse of liquid fire. The energy surge shot out of my heart that then up the centre of my body, and then up toward the top of my head. I involuntarily arched my back, my body pulsating as intense waves of bliss came over me. It was so pleasurable that it was almost painful, like an ache, like a longing, a reaching out, a desire and vulnerability⌠like how I would feel perhaps all the time if I dropped all my defences and let myself go. It felt wonderful, very alive and very real, and it jolted my inner core alive.
I felt my Twin Flame’s presence transform into a million particles of coloured lights that rained down on me, washed over me and felt nothing but complete bliss. We melded together, we were ONE. It felt like a cell-level climax, like MY WHOLE BEING, every single atom within every single cell within me, from my smallest toe to the deepest corners of my brain climaxed and it was pure bliss. I saw the interconnection and non-separation of everything, and I experienced myself as part of the ONE, swimming through a Universe of non-duality, emerging into the sublime, absolute realm of the divine. I felt an outpouring of love and compassion for All, and the deep realization that âthe otherâ is really me. I travelled through the Universe, seeing galaxies being created from within my own being, feeling the intense closeness of God. I knew that I was responsible for my own wholeness as the Love that I Am. Love is ALL THERE IS.
How did I feel afterwards
As I woke up to a new day, I found that everything had changed: I was no longer just another soul swimming in the fish soup of humanity but rather a drop in the endless ocean called Universal consciousness, or a droplet of love vibrating in the heart of God. I realised that even though I was just a droplet within the greater whole, I was also one that contained All That Is within itself.
In the days, weeks and months that followed I found myself feeling ridiculously happy and blissful, feeling powerful surges of energy all around my body, growing in intensity as time went by. I barely needed any sleep or food, and I enjoyed many of the psychic experiences brought on by the awakened kundalini, such as being able to read peopleâs mind & energies, and immediately being able to connect on a deep level with anyone in any situation. I became aware of my night time escapades astral travelling with my Twin.
I had dreams and visions filled with meaning, especially with regards to my purpose on this planet and how this related to my twin flame. I discovered that I was able to do energetic healing and found myself in receipt of endless downloads of spiritual information which I spent hours writing down every day for almost a year. After that night, I also found that I could ask any question about creation, life, God – anything, and be answered immediately. It was a constant discourse with God, or, as I perceived it at the time, a higher intelligence.
The unbreakable connection with my Twin Flame
Along with all this came an undeniable awareness of feeling another person – my Twin Flame – in the ether. He was there, on the inside, and I was sensing what he was sensing, feeling what he was feeling. He was part of my energetic make-up, and an undeniable part of me. At first I thought I was insane or that perhaps my sensory perception jumped up a few notches. My mind was full of questions: WHAT IS THIS? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? The strangest thing was that at first when the energies started to flow I could not remember one thing about the time I had spent with him. I was surprised by my own amnesia, unable to recall that we had worked together, what he looked like or why exactly he was no longer part of my life. What I did remember was looking into those intense blue eyes for the very first time and seeing my own soul, the timelessness of it all… I remembered what it felt like to have someone believe in me and accept me. I remembered how he always read my thoughts and knew me like no one else. How he was the only person to ever really understand me.
Every day I tried not to think about it but memories kept resurfacing in my mind, returning to me as clear as if they happened only yesterday. I remembered how he told me I was his mirror image. I remembered that kiss on the forehead, then standing at the train station with him that first night, then kissing him on Pont des Arts, spending all those days and nights together, the laughter, the tears.. The following week I got chatting to a guy at work who had been there for a couple of months but that I had never spoken to. We found ourselves talking about travel; a passion me and Twin share, and I found myself thinking how much he reminded me of him. Little did I know this man would become an important part of this stage of our journey since a few months later he also found himself reunited with his twin flame after 20 years apart and struggled to accept her unconditional love, just as my Twin Flame struggled with accepting mine.
Everywhere I turned I was being constantly reminded of my Twin; every conversation I had, people I overheard talking, the songs I heard; everything served to tell me that I had to find him again. The speed and frequency with which events, signs and synchronicities unfolded left me in no doubt that the Universe was trying to tell me something. This combined with the intense energies I was feeling which seemed to relate to him made it impossible to concentrate on anything. I wasn’t totally sure why he was now suddenly such a part of my life again but I e-mailed him, feeling both pushed and guided to do so. I had no choice. I had erased his e-mail address but suddenly after 3 years it popped back into my mind. I just wanted to know he was happy. I wasnât expecting to see him; I didn’t know if I even could or should.
He replied within hours of receiving my email, telling me how much he had missed me all these years. Nothing could have prepared me for the flow of energy I was now experiencing from just thinking about him. I seemed to be able to feel his energies resonate and interact with mine. Soon we were emailing and calling each other daily, discovering how closely our lives had once again reflected one another during the time we were apart. Amazingly he had also moved to the same country, right before I had and was now living less than an hourâs drive from me. Every day the energies between us kept intensifying to the point that it felt like a huge energetic vacuum was pulling us together with a force that was simply beyond our imagination. The connection took on a life of its own and we were both swept up in its undeniable magnetic force. Little did I know that in only a few weeks I would be back in his arms on the other side of the Atlantic, discovering just how deep and intense our connection really was, and simply picking up where we had left off last time.
What did my Kundalini awakening teach me
My kundalini awakening hammered into me the fact that my Twin Flame and I were created together, never apart, never separate; always spiritually connected, always one. He is always with me, and he was here all along. My spirit was lifted up into a moment where no time and space existed and where he and I melded as galaxies were born. We were held in the warm embrace of God, infused in his light and power, yet where I knew that we are nothing but small particles in the vibrating heart of God, merged in All That Is and in each other so deeply that it would be impossible to untangle God from what is between us, or either one of us from our connection with God. We are bound together for eternity by God; our spiritual growth always a reflection of the other.
It was only years later that I learned that I had experienced a kundalini awakening – funnily enough for many years I had referred to it as a âspiritual orgasmâ because that’s what it had felt like. With time I realised that this mystical expansion was just the beginning of my journey and that we donât just become spiritual angelic beings just like that. Rather, we are given a glimpse of a higher reality which is now within our view and reach, and we are given the tools to get there, but we still have all our baggage to shed and internal work to do. Our only hope lies in the promise that the bliss and serenity we feel when we concentrate on the love and on becoming our true self will eventually lead us HOME.
Whether we understand âTwin Soulsâ as being two souls eternally bound together or one soul inhabiting two bodies, unmistakably it feels like this person is the One created for us and with us, to help us awaken and to remind us of the love that we are, as well as our path back to God. The love between the beloveds is so potent and so strong that even if we are unaware of our immortal nature as infinite souls, meeting them awakens within us the knowledge that we have known them since the beginning of time.
Our soul, which contains the universe within itself, has the power in a single instant to recognize its true counterpart. While the timing of this life-changing event may be less than ideal from a human point of view, it is nevertheless predestined. When we meet this soul in the fish soup of humanity, memories of REAL, unbridled love come rushing back to us, leaving us in awe and amazement of this wondrous person. We are simply swept away by feelings of recognition, belonging, and remembrance, of unconditional love, intimacy, friendship and passion. These feelings originate in the soul and spread like wild fire to the rest of the body. They are like the Sun appearing after a long, hard winter, warming up all the unloved, hidden parts of our heart and soul, covered by eternal ice, never to be rediscovered, always to be kept from the Light. Not only do they melt the ice from around parts of us that even we ourselves can no longer reach, but they breathe new life into a barren landscape and something flourishes. Every moment as we recognize the power of our closeness with them, not to mention its depth and beauty, we find ourselves blossoming like never before.
The overwhelming feelings that they ignite in us knock us into another dimension. It seems as if the whole Universe, God, has conspired to bring us together. All our feelings of not belonging dissolve in an instant in the most profound home-coming that we have ever known. We wonder at the magic of their touch, at how our minds seem to flow from one source and how somehow we know we are bound to this person, to this soul, eternally. They fill up our senses, and every day is a blessing and every moment spent together a moment of freedom, completion and joy, where our heart and soul can finally rest and breathe.
This ignition of the soul is as scary and confusing as much as it is amazing and expanding. Our beloved is oftentimes the first and only person to ever have accepted and validated us completely; to the darkest corners of our soul â they âget usâ at a level no one ever has, or ever will. Our endless soul searching stops as we find ourselves being reflected back by the mirror of their soul. Driven by an internal confidence and trust, we share with them our darkest secrets, our deepest dreams and our silliest hopes, and they absorb and reaffirm everything we say with unconditional love.
It is the purpose of the “twin” is to awaken in us to the remembrance of our own wholeness and true nature. They are here to help awaken the love within us, and to set us on the path to becoming an expression of our soul so that when we return to God, our purpose in life is revealed to us. As our love for them cracks our heart wide open and the light of our eternal soul shines through, we cannot help but recognise our own infinite beauty and light being reflected back at us in their eyes; leaving us at awe and in love with them and with our own self; for the first time in our lives.
The come-down
Unfortunately more often than not, after an intense stage of togetherness, sometimes referred to as âbubble loveâ, lasting anything from days, to a couple of weeks or months, our ânormalâ life seems to catch up with us, perhaps in the form of a relationship we had hoped to leave, pressure from our families, our own need to contain the connection within the rigid definitions of a friend, lover, future husband etc. As we seek to balance this SPIRITUAL Â connection with our conditioned physical reality and previous experiences with what we thought love is, we start to see a widening gap between the two.
The reason for this is that in the opening of our hearts we have come so close to God that only true Love can withstand the intensity â and by contrast all that is not purified within us rises to the surface to be healed. We often find that we are simply not emotionally mature enough to deal with the divine stream of light which our beloved unintentionally shines on us, bringing all our deepest secrets and fears onto the surface of our consciousness. This would require us to meet everything that arises with LOVE ONLY, and we can only do this once we have found our wholeness and connected with a higher power.
We catch glimpses of just how deep an integrity and how radical a trust we are being asked to show to truly be in alignment with who we really are, but because it is all new to us, we feel fear and doubts creep in. Our mind, which holds onto memories and pain, has a very hard time comprehending these feelings, or how to deal with them. As the Love calls all that which is unacknowledged and unloved within us to come forth, we remember the first time love hurt, and just like the fast signal from the brain to the hand to remove your hand from a hot plate, we react by pulling ourselves away.
We want to shut these feelings off because we remember that when we loved in the past we got hurt, whether it was by our parents, siblings or previous lovers. We remember the pain and hopelessness of rejection and abandonment, and suddenly we seek excuses to convince ourselves that this wonderful person is not âour typeâ, or that somehow they donât have the âfull packageâ. We doubt their genuine feelings for us, distrust the fact that they seem to love us so much so soon and suspect that they, God or even Satan may be playing a trick on us. We start to feel like perhaps we are safer in the old paradigm, in our soul numbing but predictable, passable and safe existence.
Sometimes it is the actions of our beloved which give us the excuse not to deal with the source of the actual pain. So, instead of seeing another person in pain trying to deal to the best of their ability with all that rises to the surface, JUST LIKE US, we think they are doing something to hurt, confuse or ignore us. We drive ourselves mad ruminating their conflicting statements and behaviour, and how they seem to have changed overnight. We know this distant, cold person is not the REAL them. The more we try to get answers from them, or to make sense of it all, the more we either feel rejected, or go on a crusade to âfix themâ by chasing them, thinking that if they only let us in, we would help them âdeal withâ it.
Unfortunately, we cannot look to the other for our own wholeness, just as we cannot fix or fill any lack that comes from our beloved’s denial of love for himself. We become runners when the heart expansion ignited by our love for our beloved exposes all our innocence and vulnerability, and the pain that we have been hiding inside since our earliest childhood rushes to the gates of our heart to be acknowledged and EMBRACED. Here it is no longer the pain caused by our love for our beloved which surfaces, but the pain we felt as a child, for example when our mother ignored us, or when our father slapped us for misbehaving, at a time when we simply lacked the emotional maturity to deal with it. If we had been allowed to feel and acknowledge our emotions without fearing that this would attract more pain or that love would be withdrawn from us, we would know that there is nothing that can arise in us that we cannot face.
However, to be able to do this would have required us to have parents that encouraged us to express our emotions; who helped us name and identify them; and who guided us through them. If instead of emotionally oppressing us they had helped us acknowledge our emotions while reassuring us that no matter how we feel or act, we are still GOOD and UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED, then we would not be in so much pain. We would be secure in our knowing that even if our beloved acts up or denies us their love, we are still to the very core of us LOVE. Their behavior and words are not reflective of who we are – and neither are they reflective of who they are at the core, no matter how they are seem to behave.
Unfortunately when meeting our beloved brings all this to surface, often subconsciously, we do not know what to do with all this pain and instead, we think our suffering is being caused by the beloved or our own inbred “badness”, unworthiness etc. So we do the only thing we know: we categorize, downplay, ignore and project our feelings and then in an ultimate hara-kiri motion, deny OUR SELF the acknowledgement of that pain, and ultimately that love.
We seek any distraction under the sun to not feel that pain anymore, and we âhideâ it under a mountain of doing. If we find that we cannot hide from the pain, then we hide from the one whom so acutely, without wanting to, reminds us of it by just being him/ herself, because they reflect what is WITHIN US right back at us. This leads to us avoiding contact with the ONE and ONLY person who has seen and loved us for our true self because this requires us to be just that: OUR TRUE SELF. It requires us to look at ALL that we are: the good, the bad and the ugly, and to LOVE AND ACKNOWLEDGE it all.
As the infinite love that we are, our natural state of being is that of unconditional love, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, gratefulness and patience, but as humans living by our egos, we are made of identities and thoughts of the past. These ego-produced thoughts tell us: think before you act, be afraid, protect yourself, lie, manipulate, plan for your future security â and the list goes on, and every excuse and every plan is based on fear. All those fearful thoughts and feelings are not ours. They are not real. Nevertheless when we identify with this part of our Self and meet a person who invites us to snap out of it and be authentic, we set up barriers to protect ourselves from feelings, we feel threat where there is opportunity; we feel danger where there is liberation and we see expectations where there is unconditional love & freedom.
So, rather than embracing what arises, we suppress even more, and bury our feelings for our beloved deep inside. In reality, all we are really doing is denying ourselves the very love that we crave â and for an instant thought we had found in someone. The truth is, we did find that love and it is REAL and true, but it is not until we can stay centred in it, treating EVERYTHING that arises with unconditional love and acceptance, no matter what, with or without our beloved, that we can ever hope to truly give and receive that love. If we were able to do that to start with, we wouldnât have any issue with giving our beloved our love in any shape or form appropriate, including giving them the time or distance they need to face their own demons, because we would know that the only reason they act out and the only reason they avoid us is that they are still working on loving themselves fully. They are yet to acknowledge their pain as being valid, and part of the divine will, there to help them transform and welcome more LOVE into their hearts and lives.
The simple rule here is: if we do not love ourselves unconditionally and see our self as worthy of receiving this love and know how to receive this love, then we cannot accept that kind of love from anyone else, and certainly not from our beloved. There is nothing the chaser can say or do to make the runner see this; itâs an internal process. The only guarantee is that true love never leaves us, and continues to grow even in separation. The eternal lovers are each otherâs perfect energetic mirrors and if one is running, then on some level the other one is also. Even if they donât seem to be running and may even chase; they are running from something within them that is causing them to act in an unbalanced way. When we chase our beloved in order to fix them, then there is something that needs fixing inside us. When we accuse them of denying their feelings for us; what feelings are we denying ourselves? When we claim that they are not being true to themselves; in which ways are we not being true to ourselves? This is not just the ultimate clichĂŠ but the truth: it is NEVER about them and always about YOU.
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How and why I became the runner
Like they say, the course of true love never did run smooth, and my own experience, spanning 13 years, is no exception. I have been both a ârunnerâ and a âchaserâ, so can identify with and understand both. When I first ran within months of meeting him, my beloved and I were both trying to leave long-term relationships – or that’s at least what we had told each other. He had left his marital home just before meeting me pushed by his spiritual awakening and followed by emotional blackmail and suicide threats from his wife, whereas I was trying to leave my abusive boyfriend for good. The old fears and faces of our co-dependent lives soon caught up with us as his wife announced her visit, causing him to distance himself from me. Suddenly this man, who hung on every word I said, who looked at me like a blind man staring at the sun and who until then could not get enough of me gave me speech about his duties and obligations towards her. When I, in pain and confused, asked where I stood in all this, he told me that we were only ever meant to be friends, and how he valued my friendship and never wanted to lose it; and that the rest was “just a bonus”. He alternated between treating me like the lover I always was to him; and friend-zoning me and accusing me of expecting something off him when it happened.
At the same time my ex was harassing me; often refusing to leave my flat and being physically and mentally abusive in the process. With my beloved, we remained in our bubble for as long we could: spending nights talking about all the dreams we shared. One night he turned to me and said âWouldnât it be wonderful if we could both wave a magic wand and resolve each otherâs problems?â, and boy if it had only been so simple! But how to do this when we were so afraid; of being hurt by our ex-lovers or of them hurting themselves; of all the things within our conditioned existence which screamed at us to come back to our senses, to return to ânormalityâ â how to find the strength under so much pressure?
As his estranged wife arrived in town, I found being his âdearest friendâ increasingly difficult. His words about this most passionate, expansive, beautiful love being just a âbonusâ span in my head and ate away at me. I felt pushed aside and deeply rejected, as the newly discovered âmeâ now lay on the ground in tatters, feeling utterly confused and unloved. Rising from my heart was the most intense pain, an awareness of him now sharing the very bed, where our souls had only a few nights ago entwined and melded in an explosion of galaxies in the presence of God almighty, with his wife.
I knew that I loved him and wanted him to be happy, and I certainly did not want to be a home wrecker or ruin any chance of him returning to the woman he himself told me he had been hoping to spend the rest of his life with. I knew he wasnât happy with her but I admitted to myself that perhaps he would always keep running back to her. It dawned on me that he wasnât as available as he had led me to believe. Maybe I was just a past-time while they were going through a rough patch? I felt like SUCH A FOOL to have believed him; but more than anything I was mad at myself for having believed that this kind of love existed for me.
During her visit we continued to work together. It was a bittersweet time where at nights we would take the long way home and sit in the bus with our legs resting against each other. When his wife extended her stay and as our project together was coming to an end, instead of joining me on a trip we had planned to go and visit my family, he decided to travel somewhere else. This just reinforced my idea that he was not serious and that in fact I had just been the âflavour of the monthâ, always at risk of being tossed aside, never knowing when he would run back to his poor, long-suffering wife. While I was still away he called me and told me he missed me but this did nothing to dispel my fears: I was convinced that since we no longer worked together, I would only ever get crumbs of his time now. I dreaded the moment I would return home and spend 24/7 anticipating his call, only to find him busy with everything and everyone else.
The few weeks that we did not see each other due to being out of town were enough to send me deep into the abyss where all my insecurities surfaced and I found myself with no solid ground to stand on. The divine light and love I had seen in him had flipped my reality upside down, and undeniably for me, this love was the ONLY thing that was REAL in this world of illusion. I couldn’t see how I could live without him, since without him there was no life, no love, no me. Who am I if this man who perfectly reflects me is rejects me? Am I so unlovable that even the very reflection of me abandons me? If only I had known that it wasnât him denying me that love; it was me denying it from myself.
Underneath all the pain that arose were also more noble feelings. I felt like he was not doing right by his soul – and very strongly felt like I could not just watch him choose more suffering without trying to change him. I wanted him to find peace in his heart. If it meant he needed to be with her or someone else, so be it. I did not want to be there trying to affect the outcome â and I knew if I stayed I would have always hoped he would âsee the lightâ. I knew that he had to figure it out himself. So many things went through my mind: rejection and my own feelings of unworthiness being the main things. What hurt perhaps the most was that I was being tormented by the intense emotional pressure, physical violence and threats from my ex-boyfriend and I simply wanted my beloved’s friendship and support. But I didnât get that. This man, who had insisted he would do anything for our friendship simply wasnât there. If he really did care about me like he said, if he was really such a âclose friendâ, then where was he? What was stopping him from being there?
If only I had known that he could not be there for me because he was also in pain; because he was under that same pressure; also fearing rejection as well as my expectations (even when I insisted I didn’t have any), and more than anything, he could not be there for me because he was not there for himself. He distracted himself with travel, projected feelings onto me â and ran, emotionally. It made me want to run to the opposite direction, but faster, and farther. What I didnât realise was that we werenât really running from each other, but from the pain and from the issues that arose.
Blocking my beloved
Returning from my holiday, I wish I could say that I gracefully âlet goâ of him, but by then I was so deep in my own pain, thinking he didnât care about me, that all I now wanted to do was to erase him from my life. I hadnât stopped caring about him and of course I wish I had been more mature about it but I didnât know what I was doing. More than anything I bolted out of the connection to be freed of the pain; of all the demons I knew I would have to face to be able to love him freely, regardless of whether he loved me back or not. It had nothing to do with him or what he was doing, I see that now. But at the time it was fight or flight; and I flew out of there like a bat out of hell with a 180 degree speed turn. I put him in a corner of my heart, closed the door and threw the keys away. I had nothing to remind me of him; no e-mails, no objects. The one picture I had I shred. I deleted his number from my mobile phone and his e-mail address from my contact list. I even went as far as blocking incoming e-mails from him.
When he soon caught onto the fact that I was avoiding him, he desperately tried to call me, leaving me, in his own words â5,000 messagesâ. When Iâd hear his voice on my voicemail, I erased the messages without listening. I stopped using my mobile phone, the very same phone I had bought just so that he could call me, and changed numbers. When he managed to get through to me on the landline, I did not know what to say. Iâd make an excuse and promise to call him back, knowing very well that I wouldnât. When mutual friends and work colleagues said he was asking about me and wanted to speak to me, I refused to listen. I forbade them from even mentioning his name because it brought up too many emotions I couldnât deal with. I ended up leaving my job since this was where we had met, because everything reminded me of him and I feared running into him.
To be honest, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could be hurting too. The distance he had put between us, his words about us being just friends, the way I was cast aside when his wife arrived in town were was proof to me that he didnât care. In fact, I thought I was doing both of us a favour. I couldnât understand what he wanted from me if I was just a friend, except to play with my feelings and then accuse me of having expectations and run back to his wife. I knew he was trying to reach me but I had no idea just how much since I was blocking any incoming communications from him. I even left my landline unplugged for days at a time just so I didnât have to keep filtering my calls and go through the stress of hearing his voice. I wanted to see him but felt like for my sanity I couldnât. When he did get hold of me I told him that I was back with my boyfriend (which I wasn’t – yet).
What does the runner feel
Feeling the intensity of that connection pull away left me feeling like my soul had left my body and the void that appeared within me started to engulf me. I thought that if I just ignored it, it would go away but instead, it threw me into the darkest, most agonising figurative hell, where lost souls whither in agony and pain, where the eternal flames of regret and abandonment lick their burning flesh, and where only God hears them. All the feelings that taunted me, of being unloved, rejected, ashamed, insane and worthless filled my mind. I cried, pleaded with God and sat in darkness as I felt my heart break in every possible way. Until I met him I had not even believed in God, but I prayed to God like there was no tomorrow; and really for me, there wasnât. There was only an eternal agony; a never-ending hell where I would burn for all eternity because when I opened myself up to love, all I did was to cause myself and others more pain. I prayed that God would grant me the relief of being able to forget about my beloved, to erase him from my mind completely.
Every attempt he made to contact me only served as a reminder to me that it had all been just a terrible MISTAKE. If this all-consuming, powerful love had not been able to free me from my conditioned, codependent existence, then no other love would ever do this. We had only ever happened by some cosmic error, which God had not hesitated to rectify as soon as he realised His mistake. The height from which I had fallen face first onto the proverbial ground caused me to vow to myself that I would never again try to reach so high, because if love with which nothing seemed impossible could not set me free, then NOTHING in Godâs creation could. I so wanted to reach back at him but I felt that this would be just another mistake, on top of the original cruel mistake.
Minutes turned into hours, days, weeks and then months. Little by little, I started living again. Meeting my beloved had undeniably changed me and I realised I could not live the life I had before. I was living from a more authentic place, doing all those things I had always wanted to but had never dared to, fuelled by the dreams me and twin had shared. Eventually I took my boyfriend back, finding comfort in the thought that at least he needed me, had been miserable for weeks, and kept begging me to take him back. He was not perfect but we had a lot of history, and the irony was that he had been a great support to me during my darkest days feeling the loss of my beloved. I reasoned with myself that this is what love is: attachment, taking care of each other, needing each other, compromise. I was happy to see the whole dynamics of my relationship with my boyfriend change. We embarked on the spiritual path together travelling around the world and he was behaving in a much nicer way towards me because I no longer allowed myself to be bullied. I resigned to the fact that this was my place in life; and that I had been a fool to believe that I could meet someone and instantly love them and that it could be something that lasts forever. Such love was only ever a dream.
It was only a couple of years later that I found out that my beloved had left the country about 15 months after I cut contact with him. Little did I know, on that very same month that he left the country I also decided to do the same, after nearly a decade there. Without knowing anything about each otherâs whereabouts or movements, we both set off to travel the world at the same time. One morning as I logged onto my emails at a beach cafĂŠ in Thailand, out of the blue waiting for me was an email from him. We were both travelling through the same region. I opened his email and without reading it fully, scrolled all the way down. I went on forever; speaking about our love, of our souls together, of his feelings for me⌠But it was like a message from another dimension that I couldnât quite decipher or get my head around. I was hit by a momentary panic, of feeling my intense feelings for him stir somewhere deep inside, and then remembering that I was back with my boyfriend and we had come a long way: things were going really well and I had just started to feel like myself again. We were planning a new life in a new country. So in a panic, I deleted his email, without ever reading it or replying to it. Little did I know that as we both started our new lives with our old partners in the new country, we had both moved to within less than an hourâs drive from each other.
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Conclusion
I ran for nearly 3 years until a series of events culminated in our 2005 reunion in NY. During our separation, I did everything to push him out of my mind and I recall being extremely conflicted about what actually happened that summer and whether any of it was even real. As I returned to him, I learned that he had loved me all along, regardless of his personal circumstances or demons. He had also gone through his own slice of turmoil when I disappeared. It was however only years later that I realised that we had BOTH contributed to the imbalance between us – and I finally took full ownership of my own refusal to love and acknowledge whatever arose from the pain our connection brought up in me.
One thing that all runners share is that they are IN PAIN which they do not acknowledge, and although they do not mean to hurt anyone, they do not know how to change their behaviour. The runner runs; not because they cannot face you but because they refuse to look at themselves. The runner thinks that by avoiding you he wonât have to face his issues, but no matter how long or far they run, they donât have a choice. You canât fight yourself: what we resist persists. Furthermore, True love is protected and ordained by a higher will, continuing to consume the two lovers in separation until eventually they are driven back together. What was once whole will never stop wanting to be whole, and the soul will never stop trying to reunite no matter how the ego pushes against it.
The runner did not suddenly stop loving you and become another person. More likely, their love for you remains as strong as ever; itâs just that they are still working on loving themselves fully. Both twins must find the LOVE WITHIN before they can give it to each other. You have to love yourself first, or a relationship between you in the human sense will never work, because you will always keep triggering each other into a vicious circle of pushing and pulling. So, whether they seem to have returned to a life of 3D distractions and other relationships, or cut of all contact with you, or if they are pushing & pulling, the love within them will nevertheless have been ignited. The separation is necessary and often unavoidable, since the physical union – if such is intended for you – takes place through self -love and surrender to God.
In time, every runner must face a choice: of either living in pain, or returning and facing the deep love, working though the fears of possible rejection and feelings of unworthiness. In the meantime, we must accept that the runner is on a personal journey; and we cannot blame them or make them responsible for what we feel inside. The reasons they have abandoned us most likely have nothing to do with us. Letâs not deny our loved ones the space they need to heal or face their demons, and letâs not judge or point out their flaws & weaknesses or to try to control the outcomes.
Instead, letâs see the twin’s love as an invitation to get to know & love our Self and God, to find our own wholeness and to recognize ourselves as a part of the equation. The focus therefore must be internal. Rather than chasing the Runner, letâs work towards our own spiritual growth, keeping our heart space open for our twin but living full lives, with or without them. When we truly love, we LOVE and ACCEPT our beloved just the way they are, without seeking to change them, but rather loving EVERYTHING about them.
God has set up the balance between the beloveds and both must turn to Him in order to shed all that which is no longer required. This is done through a complete surrender to God, to the all-consuming love, only bringing unconditional love to the table, no matter what. If the two lovers release the past and anything living inside of them that is not authentic, then certainly they will reach the perfect balance between them, starting with the internal and reflecting outwards. It is only by both of them setting themselves in correct relation to God that they can find peace.
Where there is REAL love, there is no room for fear; there is ONLY room for love.
Letter to my beloved in July 2014 (8 years after I last saw him)
My dearest friend,
First of all, I am sorry if I have at times given you the impression that I have not cared about our friendship. I hope that you realised, just as I did, that if I have stayed away it was never about you, it was about me and about me sorting my life out to reflect what was inside me. Maybe there were things I came here to do, regardless of you. And maybe at times it has been about not being able to look at myself â and consequently not being able to look at you, my mirror image; after all you always reflected back to me my own ideas about myself and so clearly, without wanting to, highlighted all those things in my life that I knew I had to change to align with who I really am. In the process I also realised that we both had to come to a full realization of ourselves to have a full understanding of our spiritual selves (and thus our connection); because if we donât, we remain unable to accept the very love that we crave. This is not something that can be hurried since the timing of it is not ours to decide.
I am sorry that I stopped writing to you. I hope you know that all those years ago, it was never my intention, with all my emails, to âget to youâ, or to make you veer off your path. I just had to SHARE what was happening to me, to share the JOY, the craziness, the LOVE and passion, just as I hoped you as my FRIEND would do. Things were pouring out of me, overflowing; and you beautifully held the space for me where I could express myself and be accepted for who I was and wanted to become. With time I realised that I could not just wave a magic wand and make you FEEL the very things that I was feeling and to grant you the happiness that I experienced from KNOWING all those things. I knew that it was YOUR time to start feeling; it was yet another thing that I just could not do FOR YOU. Like I said in my letter in NY, I could not simply grant upon you such happiness: that such is a thing we can only do for ourselves.
I hope you know that I wanted nothing else in the world than for you to be happy; for you to feel the same eternal peace, LOVE, comfort and acceptance that I felt from our connection. I used to even stupidly pray that you would find that in your wife so that I could finally admit that I was insane and wrong in thinking that love like that existed for me. But as far as what I felt for you, there was really no hidden agenda or anything in it for me; I already felt that with or without you by my side.
You must know by now that I really did search for YOU (ME) literally all around the world. From as young as I can remember. The search was part of my childhood games, my wanderlust and restlessness and in the feeling of not quite belonging anywhere. I knew in an INSTANT when I met you that I BELONGED with you. You didnât just tear down my walls of separation but blew them right up with Universal dynamite! My search stopped there and then. Not only did I find you, I also found myself. That was perhaps the greatest gift of all. I instantly recognised and loved myself within you because you were my mirror. Whoever the âIâ was that was there within you was the âIâ that I was meant to be!
I saw this recently and I think it summed it nicely:
Fast forward to the present moment and I have many more roles in my life now than I did when we first â or last â met. I am someone elseâs wife and I am the mother of three beautiful children. But the only me that I ever really wanted to be was the person that you instantly recognised and loved. I have missed having you in my life all these years â there are no words to describe just HOW MUCH I have missed you. Truly, the most amazingly bittersweet lesson on this spiritual journey for me has been the deep dive into ME to grow through the pain of having known what REAL LOVE and ONENESS is to being separated from you into realising that we were and are NEVER apart; there is no separation and I donât need you to love ME in order to be able to truly LOVE myself. And when I say LOVE, I mean to LOVE the darkness and the light in me; to love the highs and the lows, the moments of doubt and those of KNOWING. I have missed you like crazy, sometimes more and sometimes less. I have never ever stopped feeling you as a part of me.
There is no way for me to explain how 8 years have gone by since I last saw you, or how itâs been 9 since I last held you and you said you were afraid of losing me and afraid that I would âdouble the timeâ (which in fact I realise I have now tripled). And I cannot for the life in me grasp how after 12 long years the magic and energy of our connection still resonates the same within me. You have lived in at least 4 countries during this time, travelled to many more, renovated and sold however many houses, had at least a half a dozen jobs, been with your wife and not been with her â but where are YOU? Where is the you that is a human BEING, not a human DOING? I have always loved you, as a friend, as a lover, as an eternal soul bound to mine regardless of your circumstances.
It has been inconceivable to me why we are not able to, as the two individuals that we are in this life, be part of each otherâs lives. It has been impossibly difficult NOT to have you in my life, not because of anything you were or werenât but because of something I wasnât quite ready to see in myself. It really defies any logic, of the heart or other, as the ONE THING I KNEW from the very first moment I saw you, looking at me all mesmerised as if youâd seen an angel, was that I ALWAYS wanted to have you in my life. Itâs impossible to explain all the things that have happened; from the joint energies to the deep knowing, being able to touch you with just my thoughts to being there side by side in the defining moments of our life (your car accident, my near accident), even before we met. You truly were âand are- my closest friend. It didnât matter in what shape or form as just the fact that it was YOU was enough â and always would be. You are enough just as you are.
I did very quickly understand that perhaps when we signed up for this we didnât quite realise what we would be getting ourselves into and how much more difficult it would be to hold onto each other with the dense emotional blackmail of those who claim to love us, the co-dependencies, the conditioning, the possessiveness. Then in the midst of it all was the confusion, the illusion of not knowing who I really was (and who you were to me) and having to re-remember everything. All I knew is when I met you that wherever the HOME was that I longed to find, you were the closest thing to it that I had EVER known â and whoever the ME was that I was searching for was staring back at me when I looked into your eyes â you were in many ways more me than even I was. You were and remain my perfect mirror.
After all is said and done, the truth remains that you are closer to me than my own breath. This I KNOW with absolute certainty. I donât need anyone else to tell me what I feel is real. My soul responded to you with an unqualified YESSSS from that first moment. You are wrapped up within me so tightly that it is pointless to try and deny that WE are connected in a way completely unlike anything else. There is just no way to replace you in my life. You are completely other. No one elseâs arms have sheltered me from the world like you did. You were my haven, my catalyst into true eternal LOVE, into my spiritual awakening, God, the unity and oneness of everything, to the unconditional LOVE and eternal friendship for you. The journey has been beautiful and traumatic, intense, telepathic, reassuring, tremendously powerful, growth-inspiring, humbling, joyful, healing: it has been both a gift and a curse. I was never the same after I met you and day after day, year after year, I find the same magical alchemy at work, just as it was when we first met. The silver cord of LOVE and passion connecting you and me is always there, a LOVE so deep rooted and entrenched within me that IT IS ME.
I have NO doubt in my heart, mind and soul that we are supposed to be in each otherâs lives, not for our own gratification but for our own spiritual growth â and to uplift the entire humanity. To create a bridge between cultures, between people, to demonstrate what REAL LOVE is to the world and uplift everyoneâs hearts with ours. Can you imagine if we could have stayed in each other lives, connected the way we were, without any need to characterise or label the ârelationshipâ, without any karmic debts to resolve with others, would it not have been EVERYTHING you could ever have wanted to have in life?
I am proud of the journey I have taken because it is MY journey. I am not yet ready; I know I have things to work on BUT I KNOW that I am becoming more and more like myself and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that whatever I do, wherever I go, or whoever I am, you are ALWAYS there. There is no me without you. I know that I am close to finding my way HOME; in fact it is only a matter of time. This knowing fills my entire being with peace and serenity and is worth every struggle I have had to go through. But I also KNOW that I wonât be going anywhere without YOU.
So I extend my invitation to you, to find a way to include me in your life as your friend, if this is the label you are attached to you, or just as our two souls without the walls and masks.
The truth is that in time we must all face a choice: of either living in pain, or returning and facing the deep love, working though the fears of possible rejection and feelings of unworthiness â and attaining our own piece of Heaven. Just know that when you finally get tired of the conditioning, restlessness and loneliness and you are ready to step off that edge and believe in LOVE LOVE LOVE, then I will be here… waiting for you, as your eternal FRIEND, whether it be in this life, or another. I want you to know that I have not given up on you because I KNOW you and what you are capable of.
Life is full of choices: each choice representing a door that we either open or close. Every time we open a door and make a choice, other doors are closing; often to remain shut forever. Only very rarely do we get a chance to return to a door and reconsider our past choices – and perhaps choose differently. Luckily, it seems that with our beloved we are the fortunate ones, because if they are truly our “twin”, then no matter how long it takes, we do seem to get renewed chances to, at the very least, kiss them softly at these doorways… It is in the nature of the connection to pull you back together from time to time; to test you, to see if you can withstand the mirror, to see if you are really committed to your spiritual growth and mission, above all. In those moments, there is always an opportunity to step through that door together; hand in hand, or to choose another door; another detour, until the next timeâŚ
When I briefly reunited with my beloved in 2005, I ruminated on why suddenly my spiritual awakening, led by a force far greater than anything I had ever known, had led me into that doorway again if we weren’t going to step through it together. My beloved had despite an intense and – for me – magical reunion, friend-zoned me and denied we had anything more than a âspecial friendshipâ. Yet I knew that I was not the one wanting this for us: it was God who was pulling me to him. While I had never been a religious person, I was not immune to instantly recognising and knowing the presence of my Creator, just like any other creature in this universe would have been. I had no doubt that whatever the higher power was that created this world was also the one who pretty much forcefully âguidedâ me to this place. I literally did not get a choice: the guidance was both internal and external. Synchronicities bombarded me day & night as a reminder of what He wanted me to do. So to stand there at this doorway, only to realise that my beloved wasnât going to step through with me was, for me, incomprehensible.
After months of trying to understand why, I finally came to a place of acceptance; of even feeling lucky to have been able to cross roads with him again, even if it didnât turn out the way I had hoped. The journey that led me there taught me the meaning of real love, friendship, intimacy, integrity, truth, acceptance, forgiveness, human nature, spirituality and so much more. It gave me the opportunity to grasp who I really was and to start to become the person I want to be. It pushed me to grow in such a way that I could not have imagined even a couple of months earlier. It gave me the ability to go after my dreams. And, it made me realise just how much I loved him, all over again.
I also realised that just because I’d had a spiritual awakening and realised some deep truths, this did not mean that I had the right to drag him into that doorway with me. I felt completely insignificant, and I didnât know whether it was my ego playing out all my feelings of unworthiness or whether it was spiritual humbleness. I just wanted to bow my head down and sneak out of there backwards as if my mere presence created a disturbance. I felt like I didnât even have the right to tell him all that I already had. Then it dawned on me that maybe he returned to that door only to wave me goodbye; and that this didn’t mean that he didn’t love me or didn’t wish me all the best, but there was nothing I could do to convince him, because the timing just wasnât right.
Rising from a place of numbness
And so passed 8 years, during which I married and created a family with someone else, and during which I endlessly purged and peeled away multiple layers of the spiritual âonionâ, while attempting to live a life that didnât fully reflect who I was on the inside but which had provided me with the escape I had needed all those years ago. Finally, through a series of existential crises I came to a place of numbness, which was really on hindsight a significant spiritual milestone as I finally saw how the disconnection from my beloved had actually led to a disconnection from myself.
I also realised that all those years ago I hadnât really surrendered the connection to God; but rather given up & resigned. I saw that to fully surrender I had to give my beloved, and especially my love for him, the space and position in my life which was rightfully his, regardless of what that meant for me, my marriage, my sanity etc.- and regardless of whether he wanted to be any part of it. There was simply no other way; to find peace and to be who really I am, I needed to accept who he is to me. And more importantly, I had to do it to align myself with Godâs will because he is the one who brought us together; I had no doubt about that. So, I sat down and, for the first time in 8 years, poured out my heart in a long email, telling him that while I didnât feel entirely ready yet, I had finally reached a place of realisation that I can no longer deny my immense love for him and I invited him to be part of my life again.
EFT
Later that summer, I had a session of EFT (Emotional freedom technique) with tapping, with a lovely lady and Holistic Health Practitioner called Eileen Strong. I had been getting various body pains that baffled the doctors and so I had figured that perhaps the pain was being held in my emotional body rather than the physical. I had never tried the therapy before and did not know what to expect. To my great surprise during the session out of nowhere arose a mountain of grief and tears, and I cried like I had not cried since I first ran from my beloved in 2002. It felt good; like a huge emotional blockage was being released. I hadn’t been feeling sad or depressed, but as I described the pain to Eileen and came to some deep realisations, I saw the link to some emotional blockages created out of fears and anxiety which I had been holding on to. It was yet another mind-blowing experience on my spiritual path.
The dream
Very soon after the EFT session I had a dream. I rarely remember dreams nowadays and when I do, they always have a deeper meaning which is only revealed to me in the days, weeks and months that follow. This time was no different.
In my dream, I was in Paris (where we first met) and went to view what seemed to be an old abandoned bakery, or a flat. I stepped into the front room up a couple of stairs up from the street, landing in what was a store-front type room. It seemed like time had stopped there; the shelves, which covered most of the walls, were dusty, and mostly empty, with some old objects left to cover dust. It didnât seem like a place anyone could live â and no one likely had, for many years. The air was so dusty that it was almost hard to breathe. I wandered towards the back of the room, into a small dark hall. I glanced to my right where there seemed to another room, and possibly a staircase leading upstairs. As I did this, I got the hit by that same feeling that I got right before I first met my twin: a feeling of unexplainable energy, of tingling in the air. I seemed to be pulled towards a door slightly ajar at the back of the building. A bright light was shining through the slightly open door into the dark hallway.
Interpretation: Doors are often a symbol of transition, suggesting that either a person is in need of change or undergoing a transition from one stage to another. Doors can lead to new opportunities and new starts. The “when one door closes, another one opens” suddenly became very relevant again. To see an opened door in your dream symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts. In particular, to see a light behind the door suggests that you are moving toward greater enlightenment/spirituality.
So, I pushed the door open and stepped outside into what seemed to be a Parisian courtyard surrounded by tall buildings, filled with plants and flowers. To my right, peaking through the clouds was the sun; shining onto the courtyard in a stark contrast to the dusty, dark, oppressive interior I had just walked through.
Interpretation: To dream that you are entering through a door signifies new opportunities that are presented before you. This could be entering into a new stage in your life and moving from one level of consciousness to another. If your dream takes you through the door, what is on the other side is of importance. If you come across a land of plenty, with bountiful scenes, then it indicates that you will transition gloriously. A door that takes you somewhere familiar and comforting is a sign that you are ready to transition but that you will remain whole and same during and beyond the transition, just more experienced and wise on the other side.
As I was stood there, barely out of the building and not having taken a single step yet, to my right a man stumbled into the quiet courtyard from the same building as me, but through a different door. He was only within about five meters of me, and only a few seconds behind. The force at which he pushed the door open indicated that he had probably thrown his entire body weight against the door to get it to open. He literally stumbled out. He was facing sideways to me and did not see me, but turned towards the sun, and just stood there, with his eyes closed, feeling the rays of the sun warm his face.
Intepretation: To see the sun in your dream symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight. It also represents radiant energy and divine power. Generally, the sun is a good omen, especially if the sun is shining in your dream.
My heartbeat accelerated, I recognised this man! I could feel the adrenaline rising in my blood. It dawned on me, just before he turned around, that it was my “twin”. I hadnât seen him for 8 years â not in real life, and rarely in my dreams. For a split second I wanted to run; then resisted the urge just as our eyes met. It was an unexplainable moment of⌠no words. I couldnât believe that he was there; questions were racing through my mind â yet I wasnât entirely surprised either. I felt like for the first time in a very long time that I was able to look at him and not hide myself. We werenât speaking, both too shocked to utter a word, but the telepathy between our hearts was there. He was looking at me, relieved and amazed, saying what now? I am here. I made it. I made it â what happens now? I walked up to him and just held him against my heart. Heaven on Earth. Then I woke up.
It was only in the weeks that followed, as I started to make changes in my life, that the dream started to reveal its deep meaning to me. I could see the many symbols: coming out of the dark night of the soul into the light, the parallel paths, the sun coming through the clouds etc. Without wanting to interpret the dream too much, I was reminded of things such as the lyrics to one of âour songsâ, Foreignerâs âI want to know what love isâ: âThrough the clouds I see love shine, it keeps me warm as life grows colderâ. I remembered how once when a friend of his developed a crush on me he joked saying his friend might be hoping he would see me through his (twinâs) clouds. Often, he mentioned my âbright, shining lightâ and warmth, and once referred to my energy as the âomni-present, the potent, the ever revolving “SUN” that rises and sets somewhere and everywhereâ. It was clear that the sun= love which he in his life caught glimpses of through the clouds was my love (and on a larger scale, that of God). It was that love that he yearned to feel and that is what made him push through that door. Furthermore, our song âTotal eclipse of the heartâ by Bonnie Tyler contains the lyrics âTurn aroundâ over and over again. This is what he did in that dream. He finally turned around!!
Realisations
It started to dawn on me through the months that followed that not only had I reached a new place in my spiritual growth, but likely, so had he. Did my letter earlier in the summer help? Yes, perhaps. I could feel from the uncharacteristically overwhelming emotions that would at times wash over me that he was feeling what I wrote very deeply; and that it was helping him transform. I could also feel his closeness with God and had visions of him praying kneeling down, fasting during Ramadan, and later in the year even attending a pilgrimage. All of this was later confirmed to be true by him. I got a feeling that he had sought Godâs mercy and love in a much deeper way than ever before. Also, the mind chatter (telepathy) which had been a constant occurrence when we had first reconnected in 2005 had now returned.
And as it would be revealed to me in the weeks to come, the dream was very significant and reflective of the internal spiritual progress we were both making. So while he perhaps did wave me goodbye at the door 8 years ago, also, like he himself said, he knew I would always come back to him. And here we are. He just took another path; a parallel path that lead him to the same place as me. Through a different door, but to the same place! He even told me that he felt we had reached a new level of emotional and spiritual mature at the same time.
Throughout the years there have been many things that have blown my mind about my twin flame connection. For a very long time I kept all the weird and wonderful experiences to myself, thinking that no one could possibly understand what was happening or the depth of feelings I was experiencing with this man⌠Anyone who knew about us knew that I had fallen hard for this man, but when I tried to explain what I was experiencing beyond the usual falling in love experience, no one seemed to understand. That is, until my very own grandma completely caught me off guard by telling me she knew all about the connection.
I still don’t quite understand how, but my grandmother always had psychic link to my beloved;Â long before I ever met him. It is only now, a year after she died, that I have really started to understand this, and it has at times made me sad that she is no longer here. I find myself in awe of the fact that she was able to pick up on our connection. This may be only because she loved me very much and was very in tune with me, but I also think it was because she had her own role to play in my spiritual growth and this undoubtedly provided her with an energetic link to my beloved.
My grandmother was an exceptional person: a bohemian artist, a peace activist, an animal & human lover, a bakerâs daughter, and a talented writer, sculptor & painter. She was a visionary who saw the unity of nations and religions beyond the disunited front they often presented. She held a mixture of beliefs from Christian to Buddhist to Islam – a religion she fondly identified with in her final years. She was buried with her cherished peace sign necklace (that I had given to her as a teenager) and green Islamic prayer beads (which my ex-boyfriend had gifted her). Those beads never left her side.
A wartime child, she dreamt of nothing more than peace on earth, for all humanity. An extract of John Lennon’s “Imagine” was read out at her funeral, and this described her word view so well. My grandmother was a sensitive soul who would cry on cue whenever the adverts showing starving children in Africa would come on. She felt the despair and pain of the world so strongly and sought to transform it with her art.
My grandma had been a tomboy growing up, and she was unaware of her own beauty. The critical and often mean comments made by her own mother and sister, and later husband, about her physical appearance had distorted her body image and affected her deeply. Yet she was gorgeous and in her younger years had even been invited to participate in the Miss Finland pageant but had chickened out thinking she stood no chance. Even in her old age she was gorgeous; tall with long legs and long black hair, which she wore in a loose bun over the top of her head.
She was never afraid to do as she saw right, regardless of what anyone said; feeding the birds, foxes and hedgehogs in the city even when specifically told not to do so. She always stood up for what was in her heart. She had an amazing memory, up to her death aged 89 years old, remembering names, faces and events dating back nearly a century as if they only happened yesterday. She used to write me long letters with lovely drawings scribbled down the sides, no matter where I lived in the world; often posted together with a big Fazer chocolate bar. I was her first grandchild and always very close to her; and she was very fond of me. She knew I was a sensitive soul and often told me that this was making me too naĂŻve, too trusting. I guess she also in her gentle way wanted to toughen me up for the âreal worldâ. But I never held grudges against her because I knew she loved me. And in one of the final times I saw her, she admitted that perhaps I wasn’t as naive and innocently trusting as I would have others believe, and that this too, had a deeper meaning which she only now could see. My heart she said was my weakness, but also my strength.
While my grandmother was an amazing person with a strong vision of peace and unity, she unfortunately also lived a very 3-dimensional existence; which lead to her experiencing some very dark energies. She was married to my granddad for 55 years (until my granddadâs death in 2004) and those years were full of fighting, disagreements and abuse (mental, physical). Their marriage had a huge effect on my own ideas about love and marriage. This of course was necessary for me to break out of the patters I grew up with, yet it was very hard to watch and also played its part in me ending up in a very similar relationship for a part of my life. My grandparents were total opposites of each other. During their early marriage my grandmother went through a mental breakdown and the state of their marriage affected her relationship with her own daughters. But as a grandmother… she was perfect. Unconventional as hell, yes! But perfect!
Bohemian by Irena Jablonski – Bohemian
From as young as I can remember I would get her to sit down and ask her to please âtell me stories of when you were littleâ and she would relay the most amazing adventure stories from her childhood. Often as she did this she would massage my feet as she was very good as reflexology (she used to call them âeye nervesâ). My grandmother was a big flirt and often told me stories of the men she had loved (albeit often innocently) before meeting my granddad. I always knew she hadnât married the love of her life; a man she often talked about but that her mother had opposed.
But what was most amazing about her was that she was deeply psychic. She did palmistry & fortune telling from cards â and she had premonitory dreams about people and events. Her âspecialityâ was major transport accidents, especially air-plane disasters. It was always a traumatising experience for her because she always lived them as if she was there: screaming, getting hurt, seeing people die etc. She could relay things that happened in the plane back to us very accurately; and sometimes it was only after years of government secrets and air investigations that things would come to light about the cause of some of these accidents that she had been accurately describing all along. So if she had one of those dreams and you were going to fly shortly afterwards, well, you didnât. She wouldnât have let you! And no one dared to anyway! My grandmother also accurately predicted the future âfor funâ for those who would ask and she was often spot on about mine; to the point that I often refused to have her read for me as I believed we should not know too much in advance but rather discover our own path.
A few years before my twin physically came into my life, my grandma started seeing another man in the cards when she would read for me. We would be sat around the small kitchen table at our red little summer cottage that her dad had built, and she would lay out the cards on the table and there were always two men in them, without a fail; both there, side by side. I had a long term boyfriend at the time, always represented by the King of spades, yet now the Jack of Clubs (and sometimes King of Hearts) was there too. When she would relay things she saw about the Jack of Clubs I always felt a familiar energy with me; one that I had felt since my childhood, but it soon became a joke between all of us, since I really couldnât see who it could be. I was happy with my boyfriend and loved him very much.
When I met my beloved in 2002 the summer we spent together was a whirlwind and I never got to tell my grandma about him until he was out of my life again; leaving me only seeking to forget. When he returned to my life in 2005 after my awakening, I told my mother and made her swear she wouldnât tell anyone; and she never did. I specifically asked her not to tell my grandmother since I was still with my boyfriend and my grandmother adored him. As far as I was concerned, my grandmother had no idea my beloved existed, nor did she know anything about him. Yet my Grandmother, bless her, was onto me: she knew he was back in my life.
The Dream
Only a couple of weeks after I had physically, albeit it temporarily, reunited with my beloved in 2005, my grandmother had a dream about him that she knew she had to relay to me. The dream happened a night or two after he, to my great disappointment, had replayed his old tape about our friendship being the most important thing and how the rest of it is a bonus and how he had learned to redirect his love into his passions and how life is different shades of grey etc. So, my grandma had this dream; then tells my mum that sheâs had a dream for me but wonât tell her what the dream was. So, at my motherâs request, I call my grandma and she tells me sheâs had a dream and felt that dream would mean something for me.
She tells me that in her dream she came across a man on the street. The man was young but had the appearance of a much older man. He was walking with his shoulders hunched like the world was weighing on them. He looked quite unhappy and told my grandmother his life was over, to which my grandmother replied âOh, surely it canât be that badâ. My grandma reached out her hand to the man and the man reached his left hand back to her, and taking his hand she started to read the lines in his palm (which she would always do in real life too; she always wanted to read the lines in any new acquaintances hands). She told him that from what she could see, his childhood and youth had been pretty normal, until a close encounter with death. She could see that he had been in a very serious accident/ very ill at some point, but that the accident was also a catalyst for big changes (for the better) in his life. He did not seem to believe her so she proceeded to point out and trace his lifeline with her fingers, and showed him where the lifeline is near-enough interrupted and then starts a constant upward rise. She said he might not realise it but since this accident his life has been moving toward happiness greater than what he could ever imagine. He was shaking his head in disbelief. She said “Well whether you believe me or not, look, itâs right there, carved into your hand!”
She told him that in that upward rise of his lifeline there was a sign of a great love/ great happiness. She said it is a love of such magnitude that it corresponds to winning the jackpot in the lottery (similar lines appear in the hand for this too) – only itâs better! He shook his head; saying he could not see it or believe it. She told him: “It is written in the lines of your hand so there you have it. You are blessed beyond your belief”.
So she tells me this over the telephone and says she was meant to pass this dream on to me. Then, before I could say anything she says âLook, I know you have loved him for years, even before you ever knew he existed. And for several years I have seen him in the cardsâ. Then she laughed, in the most irresistible way, with the deep wisdom of her (then) 82 summers. That laughter revealed this secret I now knew she shared, and it made me feel like something much bigger than us was involved. There was true intimacy and a sense of wonder between us that day that still amazes me to this day. I even asked my Granny what this man looked like. And she went on to describe him as accurately as I would be able to if he stood right here in from of me.
Funnily, a year after our reconnection my twin told me in an email: Meeting you for the first time is like winning the lottery, and having you as a friend is like winning a jackpot. Just like my grandma’s dream!
My grandma unfortunately passed away very suddenly in 2013. In the fall of 2014, in between my letter to my twin (which i blogged about here) and his response to me five months later, she came through for me during a mediumship session I had been dragged into by a friend – the only session of this kind that I ever have or will attend. She told me that she knew that I truly loved him and that she had always known this. She also knew I had been writing to him without receiving any response. She told me not to stop and to keep writing to him as often as I wanted because this was all having a positive effect and he was in fact “relishing in my emails.” She said she could see amazing things in my future and to keep on the path.
Two months later, my twin broke his silence. During the all-night conversation we had (which I blogged about here) he told me that although he had not been able to find it within himself to respond sooner, or to encourage me to write more, he had been “relishing in my emails”.
A few weeks after my grandma had relayed her dream about my beloved to me (as previously blogged here), I went back home for a holiday with my family. In a conversation with my mother about the back & forth I was experiencing with my beloved, I mentioned my grandmaâs dream and the accident she could see in the lines of his hand. Then it dawned on me… That May when I had stayed with him for a week, on the final day of my stay, he had showed me a newspaper cutting of a wrecked white (?) car. He had told me that some years ago, while visiting America (and if I recall correctly, about 4 years before we met), heâd been in a serious collision with another car where, if I recall correctly, one person died and where he was seriously injured and in a coma for a couple of days. As he showed me the newspaper cutting, he seemed very nervous, as if he was expecting a reaction. It didnât hit me then but as I relayed this to my mum she reminded me of something that happened to me that same month, that same year, when I had been visiting Finland with my boyfriend (which was also the same summer my grandma started seeing him in the cards). As she reminded me, the memories came flooding back and I went: OH………….MY…………GOD.
One night that summer, then already about 6-7 years ago, I had been driving along a quiet country road with my boyfriend, listening to soft music on the car radio. He was behind the wheel, not driving at more than 60 km (40 miles) an hour, and I was sat in the passenger seat. The road and weather were both clear, and as I recall it was late at night but since it was summer time it was still near enough daylight. There was no other traffic whatsoever. Suddenly I literally jolted alive in an alternate reality and saw myself sat in a car, but not this one. I became aware of someone else in the car, and perhaps more than one person. From the onset of this new time and space I was immersed in the deepest sense of impending danger, or death, and I felt an anxiety like I had never felt before: palpitations, a pounding heart, trembling, not being able to breathe and my chest hurting. We collided with something, which I perceived to be another car; I felt the impact with all my body. I could not stop screaming out loud, my voice high-pitched like in a horror movie: âWe are going to die, STOP, we are going to die!â, all over & over again.
I could hear, almost like from another dimension, my boyfriend telling me to calm down; yet rationally I couldnât do it. I was getting the sense of this car I was in, travelling across an intersection perhaps, rolling or upside down, it was all a blur yet very real; and all I could feel was the imminent danger, anxiety, helplessness. I was being thrown around in the vehicle; the noise of metal bending and glass breaking and raining on me, the tyres screeching; it was deafening. My body was being thrown about in jerky movements with each impact. Then silence. I was trying to catch my breath. I knew I was holding onto someone, so scared that we, me & this person, were going to die. My boyfriend, now driving faster to take me home, was shaking me and telling me to calm down. He seemed extremely worried about me.
I could not understand what had happened to me. The following days I remained shook to my core and have very little memory of what happened. Coming out of that state was a long process which took days. I felt like I was neither alive nor dead. At the time however I really did think I was losing my mind. My life on the outside was seemingly normal but where did that experience come from? The fear I had felt had been very real. For the next couple of years, until the beginnings of my spiritual awakening in 2001, I suffered from frequent panic attacks and shortness of breath, and I often felt a weakness in my body.
A year after our reconnection my beloved told me in an email: Meeting you for the first time is like winning the lottery, and having you as a friend is like winning a jackpot. This took my breath away, since my grandma had told him in her dream that the accident had been a turning point which was now leading him towards a love of such magnitude that it âcorresponds to winning the jackpot in the lotteryâ. I think this was a nice synchronicity and an acknowledgement, whether intended or not, to say that yes, we did connect during his accident; and that the “huge love” towards which this all is leading is the love that we share.
I did share my grandmaâs dream with him but I never told him about my experience of the accident; except once, in a side sentence, saying we connected during his accident. I always felt that it would be just a little too âout thereâ for him, while at the same time suspecting that he would understand my experience more than I ever thought he could.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon… I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
I lost myself within your eyes, Our souls entwined much to my surprise I fell in awe of your wondrous face a land of eternal beauty and grace; My restless spirit and stirring soul seeking freedom, yet so out of control; A shelter from the storm in you I found A kindred spirit, to mine eternally bound. Everything about you so hauntingly familiar: Our minds in tune, experiences so similar; The words you spoke came straight from my heart; What was yours or mine, I could never tell apart.
Your soul mirrored back the love that I felt In a blissful reality for a while we dwelt; But old fears and faces found us anew Love full of hope, now rejected withdrew. Not knowing why; our souls withered in pain In an immense void left by love lost again; Yet undoubtedly here in my poor bleeding heart Your reflection stayed: unaffected, unharmed.
Sometimes I find myself giving way to memories Your image, like the sun, forever in my reveries; The sky, always blue, reminds me of your eyes You’re the sound the wind makes when something in me dies; Your love the perpetual shadow that hovers over me, suspended in space, forcing my captured heart to flee.
But in time came the acceptance of what I knew all along: the simplest truth of this love so REAL and strong; In surrender came the relief I so desperately needed, As to God in my heart I finally pleaded: May He fill me with this Love if such is His will, If there’s a plan for me; this I seek to fulfil. My mind emptied of loss, of wanting control I release all which keeps me tied to the old. Fully surrendered, like the wind gently bending the trees, God’s heavenly Mercy brought me down to my knees; As I yield to my Creator I humbly touch the floor; As your love comes to me like the waves to the shore.
There is peace in surrender; in submission, there is joy; A promise, a certainty God wants us to enjoy; Of things that are meant to be, when itâs only you and me, Those dreams we once shared… then become reality. You are the nearest to Home that Iâve ever been, You live in my blood; always felt, never seen. And the Heaven I tasted there in your breath,  May as well haunt me, out of reach, âtil my death: For I know no one else will take me to paradise; For you’re the only One with forever in his eyes.
So let me take your hands; those hands so unsure  We will rise in this Love so sublime and pure;  I will reignite the fire inside you, show you what it is to be desired, What it is like to be God-bound, in love eternally rewired.
When a person comes face to face with their beloved, and enters a new world of spiritual awareness & unconditional love, it very quickly becomes clear that what we until then perceived as âloveâ is in fact only a very small fraction of the earth shattering, big bang type heart explosion LOVE with a Capital L they ignites in us. We become entranced with each other from the start and the shared vulnerability of our soulful nakedness allows us to merge all our bodies together at a very deep level. We are able to catch glimpses of the infinite beauty and love that surrounds us at all times and we feel vibrant, loved, accepted and nourished to the deepest part of our being; our soul.
When this soul level merge with our beloved takes place, it opens up multiple channels of energy that run through both twins. These gold and silvery energy cords that run from soul to soul and heart to heart are the lifeline of the eternal lovers and can NEVER be severed. Through these cords, we feel each other, we sense each other and we are drawn together, regardless of time and space. In fact, our beloved is so much engrained into the energetic makeup of who we are; that as we go through our experiences, emotions and growth, these vibrations are constantly being sent back and forth. Furthermore, the psychic and spiritual connection between lovers always includes a sort of a spiritual âlove-nestâ; like an ecstatic place of love and bliss where both come for comfort and reassurance â my beloved once called this âour inner space filled with unconditional love, passion and friendshipâ. The lovers are also connected to their higher selves by a similar silver cord which is attached to the crown chakra.
Why would we want to sever the connection?
Unfortunately the twin flame path is such that very often each soul must have time apart in order to grow, learn and fully become who they are meant to become. God wants us to be conscious and actively take part in our own journey; and therefore, to remain in permanent physical union with our beloved, we must become fully conscious of our own Self. The actual physical separation forces each of the twins to FEEL and FACE their individual selves. A person cannot know WHO he is at the very centre of his soul unless he has felt a part of himself missing. The journey is very complex in this sense, because in order to unite with our beloved, we must realise that separation took place so that we could KNOW the self and the soul. Despite being physically separated, the lovers must achieve inner wholeness: both within themselves, as well as a spiritual unit together.
As the eternal dance between the two souls seeking balance and wholeness gets into full swing, it results in a push-pull or runner-chaser dynamic, which causes many to question their sanity and to feel that we should not allow this “insanityâ to control us. The two are kept locked in this situation until both learn to complete and balance their energies â together & apart. Even if the lovers are apart and not in contact, they both have to carry their share of the work. So closely connected, they often feel not only their own but also the otherâs pain â and so feelings and reactions to these are often magnified.
Often our intentions are good when we seek to release ourselves from our beloved: we want to stop hurting them, our partners/spouses â and most of all we want to stop hurting ourselves. The pain we feel makes us want to run away from them and from ourselves. After a while we realise we no longer recognise ourselves. We can occupy our mind and heart with work, things, other relationships â even good, loving ones, but within the deepest part of our soul we know that which is missing. We may not perceive this as running until years later when we suddenly realise that they never pushed us away; it was our own feelings of rejection and feeling unloved that caused this. It dawns on us that perhaps our twin simply wasnât ready for the deep-dive into himself either and was just trying to figure it out, just like we were. More importantly, we realise that the person we are running away from is ourselves; we did not abandon them but rather our Self; and that no matter what we do, we can never stop feeling their acute absence because that void is felt within the deepest part of our Self.
Cutting the cords â getting rid of the connection
Often the pain of the separation and the many obstacles to the union are so unbearable that we want a way out of this new ârealityâ. Initially we pray that it will just go away in time and we can get back to “normal”. We numb our feelings in self-preservation. Then, as our frustration grows, we start wanting to sever the energetic cords connecting us to our beloved. However while we may know all sorts of methods for cord cutting and have successfully used them in the past; the connection between the two eternal lovers follows no conventional rules or reasoning. No matter what anyone tells you, NO ONE, not even the lovers themselves can break the special eternal cords between them. Could this be the real meaning of the often quoted biblical verse âWhat God has joined together, let not man put asunderâ (Mark 10:9)? The Force that created the pairing is all-powerful and indestructible. The bond may be weakened, and their final union delayed, but they cannot be separated permanently.
Furthermore, severing cords with your beloved would be like amputating a part of YOU. Since you each carry a part of each other, trying to cut the cord would be like cutting your own soul. The highest good of all would not allow this. However, if you do need a break from the connection, there are ways to take time out â whether this is what you choose to do is of course entirely up to you, however you must remember that all that it will do is to delay the internal work which must be done. This time-out could even come in the form of another relationship, building a family with someone else, however be under no illusion; you WILL BE pulled back. Like an elastic band, the cord connecting the eternal lovers is flexible, allowing both to do their share of pulling â however no matter how far the band stretches, it always pulls you back to the connection.
So what is supposed to happen during the separation?
If you are facing a separation from your beloved then it is for a reason. Not only this, but it is unavoidable & absolutely necessary. This means that there is work to do: for both of you. During the separation the lovers must feel and reconnect with their own inner selves to be able to feel the bond with the other. This is hard to start with: the outer search for the beloved is very painful and sooner or later one will feel that there is no other way to connect with them than to reach for the deepest place in oneâs own inner Self.
Being separated from our beloved often feels like a deep loss of our self: so excruciatingly painful that we can find it hard to know what to do with these feelings. Sooner or later we begin to feel like we must âsurrenderâ ourselves to the profound spiritual and emotional process that starts to take place inside. We realize that this is a process that we have no control over. Eventually, we learn to love and accept ourselves, as well as our reflection in the mirror: all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. And sure enough; with time and spiritual growth & maturity, the connection simply becomes something you accept.
Rest assured that even if you make every mistake in the book and it seems that the connection is unrecoverable, all will be revealed, rewarded and forgiven – in time. Even if for a long time it seems like we are not making any progress, the love between true twins comes with a guarantee: it WILL transform you. This means that even without realising it, both lovers are now on a spiritual path and the day will come when both will want to be fully themselves, and this includes having your beloved in your life again, in whatever capacity suits you both. In the meantime, while you are being kept apart, you are always free to express how you feel and what you are choosing in this moment. No matter what your reasons, the soul of your beloved loves you so much that whatever you choose, it knows it’s out of love. We all have our own process for spiritual & emotional growth to follow and no choice is ever right or wrong, but rather just another tick on the list of necessary lessons to be learnt; all leading back towards our beloved and God.
Mirror of my soul - Stories of you, me, the world and eternity 