Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

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A few weeks after my grandma had relayed her dream about my beloved to me (as previously blogged here), I went back home for a holiday with my family. In a conversation with my mother about the back & forth I was experiencing with my beloved, I mentioned my grandma’s dream and the accident she could see in the lines of his hand. Then it dawned on me… That May when I had stayed with him for a week, on the final day of my stay, he had showed me a newspaper cutting of a wrecked white (?) car. He had told me that some years ago, while visiting America (and if I recall correctly, about 4 years before we met), he’d been in a serious collision with another car where, if I recall correctly, one person died and where he was seriously injured and in a coma for a couple of days. As he showed me the newspaper cutting, he seemed very nervous, as if he was expecting a reaction. It didn’t hit me then but as I relayed this to my mum she reminded me of something that happened to me that same month, that same year, when I had been visiting Finland with my boyfriend (which was also the same summer my grandma started seeing him in the cards). As she reminded me, the memories came flooding back and I went: OH………….MY…………GOD.

One night that summer, then already about 6-7 years ago, I had been driving along a quiet country road with my boyfriend, listening to soft music on the car radio. He was behind the wheel, not driving at more than 60 km (40 miles) an hour, and I was sat in the passenger seat. The road and weather were both clear, and as I recall it was late at night but since it was summer time it was still near enough daylight. There was no other traffic whatsoever. Suddenly I literally jolted alive in an alternate reality and saw myself sat in a car, but not this one. I became aware of someone else in the car, and perhaps more than one person. From the onset of this new time and space I was immersed in the deepest sense of impending danger, or death, and I felt an anxiety like I had never felt before: palpitations, a pounding heart, trembling, not being able to breathe and my chest hurting. We collided with something, which I perceived to be another car; I felt the impact with all my body. I could not stop screaming out loud, my voice high-pitched like in a horror movie: “We are going to die, STOP, we are going to die!”, all over & over again.

I could hear, almost like from another dimension, my boyfriend telling me to calm down; yet rationally I couldn’t do it. I was getting the sense of this car I was in, travelling across an intersection perhaps, rolling or upside down, it was all a blur yet very real; and all I could feel was the imminent danger, anxiety, helplessness. I was being thrown around in the vehicle; the noise of metal bending and glass breaking and raining on me, the tyres screeching; it was deafening. My body was being thrown about in jerky movements with each impact. Then silence. I was trying to catch my breath. I knew I was holding onto someone, so scared that we, me & this person, were going to die. My boyfriend, now driving faster to take me home, was shaking me and telling me to calm down. He seemed extremely worried about me.

I could not understand what had happened to me. The following days I remained shook to my core and have very little memory of what happened. Coming out of that state was a long process which took days. I felt like I was neither alive nor dead. At the time however I really did think I was losing my mind. My life on the outside was seemingly normal but where did that experience come from? The fear I had felt had been very real. For the next couple of years, until the beginnings of my spiritual awakening in 2001, I suffered from frequent panic attacks and shortness of breath, and I often felt a weakness in my body.

A year after our reconnection my beloved told me in an email: Meeting you for the first time is like winning the lottery, and having you as a friend is like winning a jackpot. This took my breath away, since my grandma had told him in her dream that the accident had been a turning point which was now leading him towards a love of such magnitude that it “corresponds to winning the jackpot in the lottery”. I think this was a nice synchronicity and an acknowledgement, whether intended or not, to say that yes, we did connect during his accident; and that the “huge love” towards which this all is leading is the love that we share.

I did share my grandma’s dream with him but I never told him about my experience of the accident; except once, in a side sentence, saying we connected during his accident. I always felt that it would be just a little too “out there” for him, while at the same time suspecting that he would understand my experience more than I ever thought he could.