Letter to my beloved in July 2014 (8 years after I last saw him)
My dearest friend,
First of all, I am sorry if I have at times given you the impression that I have not cared about our friendship. I hope that you realised, just as I did, that if I have stayed away it was never about you, it was about me and about me sorting my life out to reflect what was inside me. Maybe there were things I came here to do, regardless of you. And maybe at times it has been about not being able to look at myself – and consequently not being able to look at you, my mirror image; after all you always reflected back to me my own ideas about myself and so clearly, without wanting to, highlighted all those things in my life that I knew I had to change to align with who I really am. In the process I also realised that we both had to come to a full realization of ourselves to have a full understanding of our spiritual selves (and thus our connection); because if we don’t, we remain unable to accept the very love that we crave. This is not something that can be hurried since the timing of it is not ours to decide.
I am sorry that I stopped writing to you. I hope you know that all those years ago, it was never my intention, with all my emails, to “get to you”, or to make you veer off your path. I just had to SHARE what was happening to me, to share the JOY, the craziness, the LOVE and passion, just as I hoped you as my FRIEND would do. Things were pouring out of me, overflowing; and you beautifully held the space for me where I could express myself and be accepted for who I was and wanted to become. With time I realised that I could not just wave a magic wand and make you FEEL the very things that I was feeling and to grant you the happiness that I experienced from KNOWING all those things. I knew that it was YOUR time to start feeling; it was yet another thing that I just could not do FOR YOU. Like I said in my letter in NY, I could not simply grant upon you such happiness: that such is a thing we can only do for ourselves.
I hope you know that I wanted nothing else in the world than for you to be happy; for you to feel the same eternal peace, LOVE, comfort and acceptance that I felt from our connection. I used to even stupidly pray that you would find that in your wife so that I could finally admit that I was insane and wrong in thinking that love like that existed for me. But as far as what I felt for you, there was really no hidden agenda or anything in it for me; I already felt that with or without you by my side.
You must know by now that I really did search for YOU (ME) literally all around the world. From as young as I can remember. The search was part of my childhood games, my wanderlust and restlessness and in the feeling of not quite belonging anywhere. I knew in an INSTANT when I met you that I BELONGED with you. You didn’t just tear down my walls of separation but blew them right up with Universal dynamite! My search stopped there and then. Not only did I find you, I also found myself. That was perhaps the greatest gift of all. I instantly recognised and loved myself within you because you were my mirror. Whoever the “I” was that was there within you was the “I” that I was meant to be!
I saw this recently and I think it summed it nicely:
Fast forward to the present moment and I have many more roles in my life now than I did when we first – or last – met. I am someone else’s wife and I am the mother of three beautiful children. But the only me that I ever really wanted to be was the person that you instantly recognised and loved. I have missed having you in my life all these years – there are no words to describe just HOW MUCH I have missed you. Truly, the most amazingly bittersweet lesson on this spiritual journey for me has been the deep dive into ME to grow through the pain of having known what REAL LOVE and ONENESS is to being separated from you into realising that we were and are NEVER apart; there is no separation and I don’t need you to love ME in order to be able to truly LOVE myself. And when I say LOVE, I mean to LOVE the darkness and the light in me; to love the highs and the lows, the moments of doubt and those of KNOWING. I have missed you like crazy, sometimes more and sometimes less. I have never ever stopped feeling you as a part of me.
There is no way for me to explain how 8 years have gone by since I last saw you, or how it’s been 9 since I last held you and you said you were afraid of losing me and afraid that I would “double the time” (which in fact I realise I have now tripled). And I cannot for the life in me grasp how after 12 long years the magic and energy of our connection still resonates the same within me. You have lived in at least 4 countries during this time, travelled to many more, renovated and sold however many houses, had at least a half a dozen jobs, been with your wife and not been with her – but where are YOU? Where is the you that is a human BEING, not a human DOING? I have always loved you, as a friend, as a lover, as an eternal soul bound to mine regardless of your circumstances.
It has been inconceivable to me why we are not able to, as the two individuals that we are in this life, be part of each other’s lives. It has been impossibly difficult NOT to have you in my life, not because of anything you were or weren’t but because of something I wasn’t quite ready to see in myself. It really defies any logic, of the heart or other, as the ONE THING I KNEW from the very first moment I saw you, looking at me all mesmerised as if you’d seen an angel, was that I ALWAYS wanted to have you in my life. It’s impossible to explain all the things that have happened; from the joint energies to the deep knowing, being able to touch you with just my thoughts to being there side by side in the defining moments of our life (your car accident, my near accident), even before we met. You truly were –and are- my closest friend. It didn’t matter in what shape or form as just the fact that it was YOU was enough – and always would be. You are enough just as you are.
I did very quickly understand that perhaps when we signed up for this we didn’t quite realise what we would be getting ourselves into and how much more difficult it would be to hold onto each other with the dense emotional blackmail of those who claim to love us, the co-dependencies, the conditioning, the possessiveness. Then in the midst of it all was the confusion, the illusion of not knowing who I really was (and who you were to me) and having to re-remember everything. All I knew is when I met you that wherever the HOME was that I longed to find, you were the closest thing to it that I had EVER known – and whoever the ME was that I was searching for was staring back at me when I looked into your eyes – you were in many ways more me than even I was. You were and remain my perfect mirror.
After all is said and done, the truth remains that you are closer to me than my own breath. This I KNOW with absolute certainty. I don’t need anyone else to tell me what I feel is real. My soul responded to you with an unqualified YESSSS from that first moment. You are wrapped up within me so tightly that it is pointless to try and deny that WE are connected in a way completely unlike anything else. There is just no way to replace you in my life. You are completely other. No one else’s arms have sheltered me from the world like you did. You were my haven, my catalyst into true eternal LOVE, into my spiritual awakening, God, the unity and oneness of everything, to the unconditional LOVE and eternal friendship for you. The journey has been beautiful and traumatic, intense, telepathic, reassuring, tremendously powerful, growth-inspiring, humbling, joyful, healing: it has been both a gift and a curse. I was never the same after I met you and day after day, year after year, I find the same magical alchemy at work, just as it was when we first met. The silver cord of LOVE and passion connecting you and me is always there, a LOVE so deep rooted and entrenched within me that IT IS ME.
I have NO doubt in my heart, mind and soul that we are supposed to be in each other’s lives, not for our own gratification but for our own spiritual growth – and to uplift the entire humanity. To create a bridge between cultures, between people, to demonstrate what REAL LOVE is to the world and uplift everyone’s hearts with ours. Can you imagine if we could have stayed in each other lives, connected the way we were, without any need to characterise or label the “relationship”, without any karmic debts to resolve with others, would it not have been EVERYTHING you could ever have wanted to have in life?
I am proud of the journey I have taken because it is MY journey. I am not yet ready; I know I have things to work on BUT I KNOW that I am becoming more and more like myself and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that whatever I do, wherever I go, or whoever I am, you are ALWAYS there. There is no me without you. I know that I am close to finding my way HOME; in fact it is only a matter of time. This knowing fills my entire being with peace and serenity and is worth every struggle I have had to go through. But I also KNOW that I won’t be going anywhere without YOU.
So I extend my invitation to you, to find a way to include me in your life as your friend, if this is the label you are attached to you, or just as our two souls without the walls and masks.
The truth is that in time we must all face a choice: of either living in pain, or returning and facing the deep love, working though the fears of possible rejection and feelings of unworthiness – and attaining our own piece of Heaven. Just know that when you finally get tired of the conditioning, restlessness and loneliness and you are ready to step off that edge and believe in LOVE LOVE LOVE, then I will be here… waiting for you, as your eternal FRIEND, whether it be in this life, or another. I want you to know that I have not given up on you because I KNOW you and what you are capable of.
I remain yours truly, J