Letter to my beloved in July 2014 (8 years after I last saw him)
My dearest friend,
First of all, I am sorry if I have at times given you the impression that I have not cared about our friendship. I hope that you realised, just as I did, that if I have stayed away it was never about you, it was about me and about me sorting my life out to reflect what was inside me. Maybe there were things I came here to do, regardless of you. And maybe at times it has been about not being able to look at myself – and consequently not being able to look at you, my mirror image; after all you always reflected back to me my own ideas about myself and so clearly, without wanting to, highlighted all those things in my life that I knew I had to change to align with who I really am. In the process I also realised that we both had to come to a full realization of ourselves to have a full understanding of our spiritual selves (and thus our connection); because if we don’t, we remain unable to accept the very love that we crave. This is not something that can be hurried since the timing of it is not ours to decide.
I am sorry that I stopped writing to you. I hope you know that all those years ago, it was never my intention, with all my emails, to “get to you”, or to make you veer off your path. I just had to SHARE what was happening to me, to share the JOY, the craziness, the LOVE and passion, just as I hoped you as my FRIEND would do. Things were pouring out of me, overflowing; and you beautifully held the space for me where I could express myself and be accepted for who I was and wanted to become. With time I realised that I could not just wave a magic wand and make you FEEL the very things that I was feeling and to grant you the happiness that I experienced from KNOWING all those things. I knew that it was YOUR time to start feeling; it was yet another thing that I just could not do FOR YOU. Like I said in my letter in NY, I could not simply grant upon you such happiness: that such is a thing we can only do for ourselves.
I hope you know that I wanted nothing else in the world than for you to be happy; for you to feel the same eternal peace, LOVE, comfort and acceptance that I felt from our connection. I used to even stupidly pray that you would find that in your wife so that I could finally admit that I was insane and wrong in thinking that love like that existed for me. But as far as what I felt for you, there was really no hidden agenda or anything in it for me; I already felt that with or without you by my side.
You must know by now that I really did search for YOU (ME) literally all around the world. From as young as I can remember. The search was part of my childhood games, my wanderlust and restlessness and in the feeling of not quite belonging anywhere. I knew in an INSTANT when I met you that I BELONGED with you. You didn’t just tear down my walls of separation but blew them right up with Universal dynamite! My search stopped there and then. Not only did I find you, I also found myself. That was perhaps the greatest gift of all. I instantly recognised and loved myself within you because you were my mirror. Whoever the “I” was that was there within you was the “I” that I was meant to be!
I saw this recently and I think it summed it nicely:
Fast forward to the present moment and I have many more roles in my life now than I did when we first – or last – met. I am someone else’s wife and I am the mother of three beautiful children. But the only me that I ever really wanted to be was the person that you instantly recognised and loved. I have missed having you in my life all these years – there are no words to describe just HOW MUCH I have missed you. Truly, the most amazingly bittersweet lesson on this spiritual journey for me has been the deep dive into ME to grow through the pain of having known what REAL LOVE and ONENESS is to being separated from you into realising that we were and are NEVER apart; there is no separation and I don’t need you to love ME in order to be able to truly LOVE myself. And when I say LOVE, I mean to LOVE the darkness and the light in me; to love the highs and the lows, the moments of doubt and those of KNOWING. I have missed you like crazy, sometimes more and sometimes less. I have never ever stopped feeling you as a part of me.
There is no way for me to explain how 8 years have gone by since I last saw you, or how it’s been 9 since I last held you and you said you were afraid of losing me and afraid that I would “double the time” (which in fact I realise I have now tripled). And I cannot for the life in me grasp how after 12 long years the magic and energy of our connection still resonates the same within me. You have lived in at least 4 countries during this time, travelled to many more, renovated and sold however many houses, had at least a half a dozen jobs, been with your wife and not been with her – but where are YOU? Where is the you that is a human BEING, not a human DOING? I have always loved you, as a friend, as a lover, as an eternal soul bound to mine regardless of your circumstances.
It has been inconceivable to me why we are not able to, as the two individuals that we are in this life, be part of each other’s lives. It has been impossibly difficult NOT to have you in my life, not because of anything you were or weren’t but because of something I wasn’t quite ready to see in myself. It really defies any logic, of the heart or other, as the ONE THING I KNEW from the very first moment I saw you, looking at me all mesmerised as if you’d seen an angel, was that I ALWAYS wanted to have you in my life. It’s impossible to explain all the things that have happened; from the joint energies to the deep knowing, being able to touch you with just my thoughts to being there side by side in the defining moments of our life (your car accident, my near accident), even before we met. You truly were –and are- my closest friend. It didn’t matter in what shape or form as just the fact that it was YOU was enough – and always would be. You are enough just as you are.
I did very quickly understand that perhaps when we signed up for this we didn’t quite realise what we would be getting ourselves into and how much more difficult it would be to hold onto each other with the dense emotional blackmail of those who claim to love us, the co-dependencies, the conditioning, the possessiveness. Then in the midst of it all was the confusion, the illusion of not knowing who I really was (and who you were to me) and having to re-remember everything. All I knew is when I met you that wherever the HOME was that I longed to find, you were the closest thing to it that I had EVER known – and whoever the ME was that I was searching for was staring back at me when I looked into your eyes – you were in many ways more me than even I was. You were and remain my perfect mirror.
After all is said and done, the truth remains that you are closer to me than my own breath. This I KNOW with absolute certainty. I don’t need anyone else to tell me what I feel is real. My soul responded to you with an unqualified YESSSS from that first moment. You are wrapped up within me so tightly that it is pointless to try and deny that WE are connected in a way completely unlike anything else. There is just no way to replace you in my life. You are completely other. No one else’s arms have sheltered me from the world like you did. You were my haven, my catalyst into true eternal LOVE, into my spiritual awakening, God, the unity and oneness of everything, to the unconditional LOVE and eternal friendship for you. The journey has been beautiful and traumatic, intense, telepathic, reassuring, tremendously powerful, growth-inspiring, humbling, joyful, healing: it has been both a gift and a curse. I was never the same after I met you and day after day, year after year, I find the same magical alchemy at work, just as it was when we first met. The silver cord of LOVE and passion connecting you and me is always there, a LOVE so deep rooted and entrenched within me that IT IS ME.
I have NO doubt in my heart, mind and soul that we are supposed to be in each other’s lives, not for our own gratification but for our own spiritual growth – and to uplift the entire humanity. To create a bridge between cultures, between people, to demonstrate what REAL LOVE is to the world and uplift everyone’s hearts with ours. Can you imagine if we could have stayed in each other lives, connected the way we were, without any need to characterise or label the “relationship”, without any karmic debts to resolve with others, would it not have been EVERYTHING you could ever have wanted to have in life?
I am proud of the journey I have taken because it is MY journey. I am not yet ready; I know I have things to work on BUT I KNOW that I am becoming more and more like myself and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that whatever I do, wherever I go, or whoever I am, you are ALWAYS there. There is no me without you. I know that I am close to finding my way HOME; in fact it is only a matter of time. This knowing fills my entire being with peace and serenity and is worth every struggle I have had to go through. But I also KNOW that I won’t be going anywhere without YOU.
So I extend my invitation to you, to find a way to include me in your life as your friend, if this is the label you are attached to you, or just as our two souls without the walls and masks.
The truth is that in time we must all face a choice: of either living in pain, or returning and facing the deep love, working though the fears of possible rejection and feelings of unworthiness – and attaining our own piece of Heaven. Just know that when you finally get tired of the conditioning, restlessness and loneliness and you are ready to step off that edge and believe in LOVE LOVE LOVE, then I will be here… waiting for you, as your eternal FRIEND, whether it be in this life, or another. I want you to know that I have not given up on you because I KNOW you and what you are capable of.
I remain yours truly, J
6 thoughts on “Returning to face the deep love – letter to my beloved 🔥”
too bad you 2 are not together because you chose to be scared even if there’s a chance for you to be together, to be happy… if only you 2 have been honest and accepted your connection truthfully maybe you’re not living in pain for so many years.. you have the option to be honest and tell the truth to your spouses but you chose to be with them even if you don’t feel the real love.. you chose fear, imagining the worst scenarios instead of love… why not live in truth so you 2 can be both happy together till the rest of your lives.. just saying… i just hate hearing or reading a tragic love story which if you analyze they have the power to make it if only they have the courage to face the truth!
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Hi Coline, apologies it has taken me so long to reply to your comment.
Thank you first of all for taking the time to comment 🙂 In response to your comment, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. It is not entirely true that we are not together because of fear only – it was also down to personal choice and the fact that in these connections the separation is necessary for the soul evolution of both parties involved. I would never have experienced the self-growth and illumination had I stuck to him at the point of our previous reunion – and I would never have had my children either.
If I chose to move on at that point it was for many reasons: because despite the love (and especially because of the love) we must honor each other’s choices. He will always be free with me. I loved him so I set him free (as he did to me).
Furthermore, my marriage was never a factor in our connection, since I had not met my husband at the time yet (although I was in a long-term relationship). Once I was married I stayed away from my twin out of respect for my husband and we only really reconnected once my marriage ended. Even though my twin is still married and in my opinion his reasons for remaining in that marriage are fear-based, I try not to judge him. I also see that he has a lot of love for his wife and that what we share is entirely different. Maybe one day he will love himself enough to open his eyes fully, but for now, I trust that this is how things are supposed to be right now. I FULLY trust that. So, I am not in pain and I have not been in pain all this time. I learnt to transmute that pain a long time ago through surrender.
Today if I have chosen to return to this path (thus the letter to my Twin flame), it is because I am now stronger and know myself better. I know this is a way for me to align with the perfect plan and my destiny. It has very little to do with my twin. Simply, I am here to love him unconditionally no matter what the externals look like to me and finally I think I can do that. So I am offering him my hand in friendship – or whatever he wishes 🙂 I am just following my guidance – and I trust that he must do the same.
There are so many factors that affect the twin flame connection; it’s not just a “If you only didn’t choose to be scared..”. Its an energetic connection where the self-work, triggers, the mirroring and projections are very real and we must learn to master them (and ourselves) before Union can happen. The timing is God’s and God’s only – and in addition both twins must choose it. I know I have always reacted to him in the best way I have known how; in perfect reflection to my relationship with myself and God. As this relationship to the self evolves, so does that to the Twin. So I am hopeful for the future 🙂
Lots of love & blessings to you Coline! Jonna xx
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Honestly I thought I might be the only person who had ever encountered such strange and magical blessings, as well as the cursed feeling. Your story was amazing. I could feel the power of the bond in your words. Me and my twin are in our third separation. For multiple growth and health purposes. Wow. What an amazing story & you are not alone. I have 2 twin flames In my scenario, the first one we broke after years of being together…. she was my one and only…. I was lost and alone in a city full of drugs and regrets…. when I gave up all hope/ I met a girl who looked, acted and talked like her, there names were even similar except this time, my second twin flame was just as passionate about music as I was….. unlike my first flame…. the occult following she had was more than intense, she loved me/ but not how flame number one did- happily ever after. My twin flame is addicted to drugs, like me- but manipulates people for them based on her beautiful appearance. Unlike me/ I pay for what I want if I want it. The reason for the explanation is because this is our flaw/ setback/ and learning. We love each other and we love drugs… but we would put some things before eachother if we had to. Even tho we will never be apart after meeting eachother…..I really thought this was just us….. but there are more people experiencing this I am intrigued to see what I can read
Jonna, your letter was deeply touched, I cried and cried reading it! So much wisdom and maturity you’ve gained since beginning your TF journey. I feel reunion will happen for you two. As you said, in accordance with Gods timing and will! I recommend visiting and speaking with an awakened master such as Gangaji (she’s on YouTube) to finish your returning home to yourself process. Light and love to you!!
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