As human beings, we are born with an innate need to belong, to be loved and to find our own place in this world. It is this search for a deeper connection and belonging which sparks in us the remembrance of our true spiritual nature through experiences of love and connection with something greater than us. Since our true nature is spiritual, it makes sense to say that true love is spiritual too. However finding such love is not as simple as putting a profile up on match.com and picking the one whose personality matches closest with ours; for we are not really looking for a counterpart for our personality, likes and dislikes, but rather a counterpart who in essence is the same as us.
Enter our twin flame: this awe-inspiring, wondrous person who completes us and whose mind, heart and consciousness seem to flow from the same fountain as ours. We recognise ourselves in their eyes; those eyes that we’ve looked upon so many times before in so many faces; like mirrors reflecting only our true self back to us. It is like friendship set on fire: an instant, deep resonance that consumes us with its fierce, relentless flame of truth, passion and unconditional love. They seem to match and understand us down to our deepest core and we simply KNOW that we are meant to be together.
Unfortunately while the heightened experience of love for our twin flame is very real and the feelings are mutual, to come into permanent physical union with them is another ball game. Often at least one twin will be unprepared for the intensity of the connection, or simply unaware of what is being offered, and there may be issues with timing. We find our dreams of romantic candlelit dinners and proposals at sunset crushed with the intense energies and complete ego annihilation involved which equate more to a test and a mission rather than anything to do with romance.
Furthermore, if a physical union has been planned by the two souls, this will only occur once both souls are ready – and this may be months, years, even decades down the line. We should keep in mind that the twin flame connection is first and foremost a spiritual connection based on unconditional love and a shared spiritual mission here on earth. The coming into union often requires a lot of patience, preparation and work! Meeting our twin Flame pulls the carpet right from under our feet, shaking our perception of reality and driving us inwards to find our own answers. It is a process where all our ideas about love, life and our self are totally picked apart and reconstructed.
Is this love that I’m feeling?
After a brief reunion with my twin flame after 3 years of running, we both tried to define and make sense of what we felt – and didn’t feel – for each other by trying to fit our connection it into a pre-labeled box of friend, lover, future partner etc. Unfortunately translating the twin flame connection into earthly terms proves impossible since it will not fit any preconceived notions regarding love and ideal partners. What’s more, we find ourselves confused and thrown off track because the connection involves the totality of all human emotions including those of a friend, lover, parent, child, teacher, student & many more – and these can all be felt separately or together in endless combinations. We expect to feel giddy with excitement with butterflies in our stomachs but instead we feel the deep pride of a mother one moment, and the love of a sister for her dear brother the next, followed by an unmistakable sexual pull towards them. The breath and width of these emotions simply cannot be put into one neatly labelled box.
In addition, our socially conditioned beliefs, air-brushed ideals of beauty and outdated templates all contribute to the image of an ideal man/woman that we hold in our minds – and which our twin rarely fits. Our twin is often unlike anyone we have ever been with or would usually be attracted to. We may be at a loss as to what exactly it is that we find so attractive in them since they are definitively “not our type”. On top of this, our definition of love is often based on previous experiences and fantasies of romantic Hollywood type “falling in love” associated with games of seduction, lustful sex and romantic gestures leading into a “happy ever after”. Therefore, when we meet our twin flame we suddenly find ourselves on unknown territory where we know we are feeling something special, magical and effortlessly “right”, but at the same time we do not quite recognize what it is or what it means since we have no point of reference.
A few weeks after our reunion in 2005 my twin told me he did not feel romantic love towards me. My heart sank since I had always known we were somehow meant to be “together”, and I knew of no other way to be with a man whom I loved and desired. This drove me inward to question what true love really is. I looked up definitions of romantic love and came across this one by Canadian sociologist, John Lee: “ Romantic love –the lover thinks constantly about the loved one, is jealous, unrealistic, will tolerate anything, is sexually attracted by physical appearance, needs repeated reassurance he/she is loved in return.” I agreed; this was not us, but what was it then?
In my writings and my mind I started meticulously revisiting every single lover I had ever had. I was asking myself whether I had ever really loved anyone – and had anyone ever really loved me? I was trying to understand what it was that I felt for this man I hardly knew in the usual sense of the word; yet whom I would have trusted with my life, my children, my all, from the first day we met. I started seeing things differently, identifying behaviors and patterns, and sharing it all with him out of some “necessity” to dig very deep within me; like I needed to show him everything about me, perhaps to get to the real me buried underneath it all.
The illusion of romantic love
My initial disappointment transformed into clarity as I finally realized that this kind of unrealistic romantic love – the weak-kneed, starry-eyed kind of love – had nothing to do with true love. You see, our romantic fantasies fool us into thinking that all our problems will be solved once we find the perfect mate and fall in love. It is an infatuation driven by an emotionally intense game of ecstatic ups and downs; its lows temporarily painful but with no long term risk involved. Because it lacks real intimacy, we are able to hide and deny parts of ourselves to keep our partner happy and to maintain the status quo within the relationship, giving us a false sense of security which ultimately leaves us unsatisfied and yearning for something deeper, more connected and more REAL. In trying to meet our partner’s expectations we take on roles for fear that we will disappoint them or that love will be withdrawn if we show them the real us. Sadly, by the time we awaken from this dream, we find ourselves in a loveless relationship, unrecognizable to ourself, wearing yet another mask, yet another layer hiding the real us; or perhaps already in middle of a bitter divorce or separation, wondering what went wrong.
The thing is; the co-dependency of this kind of unrealistic “love” keeps us from growing into a whole person, whereas true love is the acceptance of the fact that our lover is not perfect and neither are we. When we truly love someone we understand that each of us needs to grow, and that we can be catalysts for each other’s growth. We can nurture one another, challenge one another and encourage one another. True love makes us want to be the best possible expression of our true self. It is not a bond of love; it does not seek to bind, possess or dominate, nor does it make claims of exclusivity on the other. Rather, it comes with spaces in the togetherness; space to breathe, to grow, to evolve into a whole being.
True love is an ever-evolving and ever-expanding truth which comes with no guarantees except perhaps for reverence for each other. It has no rhyme and no reason yet remains steadfast, unchangeable and abiding. There is nothing our twin can do or say to change how we feel inside; there is nothing they could show us that would make us love or respect them any less. Real love comes to us quietly with a stability of emotion. It is not a lustful, impetuous passion driven by sentimentality and emotionalism but rather an element of calm and depth which quietly slips into our life and which peers deep into our soul. When we truly someone we would never intentionally do anything to hurt the other. We only want their happiness, even when they make choices that do not involve us.
A relationship based solely on romantic love requires two people to constantly communicate, bargain and compromise to remain in agreement with each other. Since there is no underlying resonance, the lovers need constant reassurance that the other still loves them. However, the spiritual affinity of true love allows us to understand and relate to each other on a much deeper level; that of the soul. True love reveals an entire new dimension of energetic possibility: we don’t need any validation or reassurance from the other since our connection is felt on the inside, and the need for reassurance is replaced by telepathy and synchronicities, and generally being on the same page with each other. The only confusion comes when the other is not being true to what is in their heart; since we are always able to see the intention in their heart – so that even when the words lie, the heart cannot.
True love therefore requires integrity with ourselves; first and foremost. A Twin flame can only ever love the REAL you. How do we expect them to find us if we are hiding behind a mask? And how will we recognize them if we do not even recognize ourselves? We don’t even acknowledge our own falseness, yet we expect them to see us for who we really are. True love is a danger for our ego since it makes us experience ourselves directly; not through past experiences or beliefs or our ego, but by being alive in the NOW. True love therefore is an invitation to show up as you are; to peel away the layers of protection and social conditioning, let go of self-doubt, and start seeing life with your heart. It is an invitation to become more of who you are.
Real love is a choice
Twin flames are two sovereign beings with no need control each other or interfere with each other’s choices. Any co-dependence should raise a red flag which tells you this is not your twin flame but more likely a karmic soulmate. When we really love someone, we don’t need anything from them. Yes, we may miss the person terribly and wish they were part of our life but we also know “what will be, will be”. We would never make any demands or claims on them that would cause them confusion or pain. If they choose to be with someone else even when we know that their soul loves us, we accept that this is something that they need for their growth and we wish them only happiness.
Falling in immature, romantic love requires no effort whatsoever. There is nothing to choose or decide: this kind of love chooses you with its “I can’t survive without you”. Co-dependency, attachment, jealousy, blame, self-pity, emotional blackmail; they give you no choice. When we are held in relationships by a perceived “duty” or out of guilt, then we are no longer choosing love; because True love will always give you a choice. As long as you are compelled to do something because it is your duty then you don’t love what you are doing. Where there is love there is no duty and no responsibility.
True love is unassuming, without pride or shame. It focuses on the will and involves choices: I can live without you, but I make a choice not to. If people can love each other in a mature way, no one will have to compromise their own feelings and preferences in order to be loved. Having a choice means having the freedom to choose. Freedom to choose only exists when all options are available to us. It says Life is “richer with you”. It is the greatest feeling in the world and a true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.
The problem with real love
To truly love someone is to take full responsibility for your own emotional states and feelings. Since love is the only thing that is real, anything else that arises within you is yours and ONLY yours to deal with since it is all your own creation. Is your Twin Flame sleeping with someone else? Does he deny his feelings for you and constantly contradict himself? Is he ignoring your pleas for clarity on what is going on between you? Stop looking to him for answers that need to be found within your own being. If you truly love this person, you will LOVE and ACCEPT them just the way they are. Respect their right to travel their own path and don’t punish them for only doing the best they can. Make peace with your feelings by acknowledging these and letting them go, and lavishing yourself with all the love that you want to give them.
The problem with real love is that to be able to receive it, we must first be able to give it. Unfortunately most of us don’t even have that quantity of love for ourselves. How can we accept having someone in our life that loves us more than we love ourselves? It’s impossible. Our twin flame makes us feel both understood and seen fully for the first time in our lives, but we also feel terribly exposed; all our imperfections acutely staring us (and them!) in the face. It is as terrifying as it is exhilarating. We are not used to seeing or displaying the vulnerable, not-so-pretty parts of ourselves – and here is someone who not only sees them but claims to love them too. This seems impossible to us; even we can’t love those parts; our own mother perhaps couldn’t… How could this person who on the surface has only known us for a few days, weeks or months, claim to do so?
Our imperfections are part of us as much as our qualities are; and it is only by fully embracing them that they can be transformed. The thing with true love is that it allows us to see an imperfect person as someone who is perfect for us. This does not mean that we try to ignore those less-than-perfect parts of this person, turning our focus on the “good bits”, which is often what happens in relationships. This is not even an option for twin flames since the eyes of true love see so deeply into the other’s soul that those imperfections are very clear to us and could not be hidden from view. Rather, instead of denying these parts we love them just as much as we love all the outwardly and inwardly good things about them. The imperfections are what make them fragile and creates an intimacy, a bearing of the soul and closeness that cannot be denied.
True love is a spiritual practice
Real Love has no linear progression since it has no beginning and no end. It isn’t a roller-coaster of ups and downs, but rather a swirling vortex, which lifts us on its expanding spiral currents, transcending the prison of self-centeredness. It gives the two people a glimpse of the divinity within them both. Time does not affect true love for it does not exist on the same plane. Ultimately therefore, true love is a spiritual practice which connects us with ourselves and with others at soul level and since it comes from Spirit; it also creates a living connection to God and to a greater purpose.
In romantic love we start out with a supply of love which diminishes every time our lover fails to return our love or behaves in less than acceptable ways. We become frustrated, angry and think that their behaviour means that we are unloved and undesirable. However true love for our twin flame comes from God. It is divine love, regenerative and unbreakable. It is a calling to give this one imperfect person all the love that we are capable of giving. It calls us to love them, this other aspect of ourselves so much that everything else simply falls away. We must love them without conditions even when we can not understand why or where from, and even when it seems like simply too much to ask. The more imperfect they are, the more they behave in ways that we cannot accept or understand, the more we should love them. This doesn’t mean that we should accept any kind of behaviour from them, but that our love for them remains as strong as ever despite what they do or say.
Real love is divine; it comes from a relationship with God. True love of the twin flames is a spiritual union which mixes friendship, a love affair and an act of worship. It is a mystical dance and a spiritual union of two souls which takes us beyond our human ego into the realm of the timeless, eternal, immortal and sublime love. As twin flames, we are simply acting as the divinity in human form which lavishes its unconditional love on one being and the outpouring and the expansion contained in loving one imperfect being perfectly is so great that it expands our heart to love everyone. Because the love comes from God in abundant supply, the more we draw at the fountain, the more abundantly it flows into our lives. We can then remain in this effortless, constant state of giving love to this person with absolutely no thought of what is going to be returned. Because so much unconditional love is being given, the energy between the two becomes magnified and flows effortlessly like the waves of the sea to the shore. This back and forth becomes like a rhythm which nourishes both spiritually with the energy of divine love. Then our hearts no longer suffer with the “what ifs” but rather celebrate the love that ALREADY IS, in every moment of the eternal NOW.
To keep riding the ebbs and flows of this love asks for patience and resilience. This dance of the two souls requires our full surrender and trust for the connection, the process, ourselves, our Twin and God to allow things to unfold in their own way within the endless possibilities, limitless forms and abundant expressions of this love. When we surrender and set it free, we find that God works in our favour and if the love is true, it returns to us glorified because it knows NO OTHER WAY. As twin flames we must never give up hope but rather to keep making the choice of LOVE because that’s how it’s meant to be. We are meant to be together to love each other, to help each other, to catch each other when we fall, to light each other’s paths, to give each other wings to fly and to ultimately return to each other and to God.