I always believed that separation and silence are an essential part of the Twin flame journey. There is something undeniably sweet about going through all the pain, questioning and confusion, then through the silence meeting them entirely at soul level and understanding that the love we yearn to give them is actually the love we ourselves yearn to receive. There is no peace quite like it.
The unbreakable bond never goes away, even in the silence. Yet the journey to find inner peace is long and hard. Not being able to ask why, to gain closure, to express love, regret and understanding is so excruciating. The grief is immense.
In all our 18 years in this connection, he has never blocked me or told me to be anything other than myself. I have always felt immense love, respect and admiration from him. This is what makes it SO HARD to understand how he can flip from open, receptive and loving, to closed off and cold. Sometimes it is the very act of being myself that triggers his silence. Sometimes my mere words flood him with overwhelming nostalgia, feelings and emotions, causing him to withdraw into silence. As he himself explained, this has been due to not being able to find adequate words to respond to me, not trusting it, fearing my expectations or the consequences of opening up, for having loyalties elsewhere and for simply not feeling ready (or interested enough) for the deep conversations that might take place.
Last time he fell into silence was in late 2015, after a wonderful 18 months spent reconnecting. Most of the blog posts here from the 2014-2015 period pertain to that time. Since then, apart from the occasional happy birthday or happy Eid, I’ve let him be. To be honest, for a period of a couple of years during the darkest times of my divorce, my guidance was not to share any of it with him. Nonetheless, these past few weeks, he has been increasingly at the forefront of my thoughts. For the first time in a very long time, he appeared in my dreams, telling me “it’s time.” The timing of my return has a lot to do with this.
And just like that, in a possible freak flow from the ethos, after five years of silence, we’re back in contact… and it feels like he’s never been away. We spoke on the phone for the first time in 11 years. Isn’t it strange how the laws of physics somehow don’t apply to these kinds of connections? My cell phone battery stayed at 7% for the entire first hour of our call, without draining the battery at all. What sorcery is that? 🙂 It NEVER happens!
He immediately apologised for his absence and admitted that none of his reasons justified his total silence. He told me that if it was of any consolation, he had wanted to reach out to me “millions of times”, and that I’d been in his “mind, heart, thoughts and prayers” all the time. As much as I am happy he said it, I wish I’d never had to hear it … because hearing it again stings.
This is actually a surprisingly difficult post to write.. You see, I understood a long time ago that he was not mine to keep; and that this was a different kind of love and affection which was always to be returned to God – elevated, through Service. So many times I have surrendered and let go of the “earthly” him, choosing to concentrate on loving that which is eternal in him and calls me “home”; all the while looking forward to a time and a space – perhaps in another life or dimension – where we could be close to each other again.
I have done SO MUCH work to get to this point. Yet I am still human. One side of me craves only spiritual and emotional growth from our interactions. But growth necessitates purging, triggering and questioning – something that is not compatible with what the other side of me wants: my best friend, my everything. I don’t want to trigger him or overwhelm him! Why can’t the two parts meet in the middle?
So far, in our conversations, we’re really only skimming the surface and I do believe it’s deliberate. Maybe he doesn’t want to crash and burn like we did at our most recent attempt, either? Maybe he has all the information he needs? Last time we dove in deep from the start; this time it’s light but there’s an elephant in the room that we don’t know how to approach.
On top of it all, it is really difficult not to want to talk to him all the time. He is simply never far from my thoughts. I don’t know where the boundaries are, unless he sets them – something he has always refused to do. Yet in trying to set my own boundaries, I feel I come across as unauthentic, unfeeling and superficial. I wonder if he feels the same way? Superficial and light is just not the way we are wired.
The Universe is telling me to surrender, surrender, surrender. I must trust that there is a higher purpose. Simultaneously, I cannot help but think that the open communication is a trap the Universe wants me to fall into. I feel like every time we’re brought together, there’s always a test. When he reassured me just now that he is always there for me, that I can contact him anytime and that it is always a pleasure, I also know there are fears and forces that affect him that can cause him to act the complete opposite. In so many ways, those are “just words” that may or may not be true.
During the time of our most recent re-connection in 2015, he himself said he would be testing me – what for, I have no idea. Nevertheless, I figured from his long subsequent absence that I must have failed… and I don’t even know why. Then, how do I stop myself from failing him again? What I don’t want to admit, to him or myself, is that my heart is still there on the firing line.
I had no idea that all this yet-to-be-healed crap would pour out the minute I got my wish. I clearly have some work and releasing to do. That long overdue heart-to-heart he’s been promising me since 2005 may well be what gets sacrificed on the altar of our “friendship”. Giving up on ever obtaining answers to my million questions may be the price I pay to keep him in my life – at least for now. But I wonder, is there such a thing as a clean slate for Twin flames?
Now, before I start bargaining with the universe, I want to say how grateful and blessed I feel for this moment. Regardless of labels or outcomes, our Love and Friendship are beautiful. Thank you to the invisible forces for allowing this to happen. Long may it last! Many things my beloved told me on the phone actually confirmed to me that the Universe does speak to him about me. For example, when I told him that I’d been thinking about relocating to back to my home country, he indicated that he didn’t want me to go, saying, “I know we haven’t seen each other for so long and I have no right to say this, but I have always felt a comfort in knowing you are here“. I didn’t say anything… But I have ALWAYS felt that too. Years ago, I left Paris very soon after he did and ended up, unbeknown to me, following him here to England. This is where I have been all these years. Him still having a base here has been a factor in me remaining here. Like he said, there is a comfort in it. It was amazing to hear him say it.
Two days after we spoke on the phone, I was sat in my garden, feeling the sun on my face and fresh grass between my toes, deep in thought about all of this. I asked the Universe to guide me. That same second my phone pinged. I checked my phone and the title of the email that had come in was “TWINNING IS WINNING”. It was a marketing email from a British clothes retailer, full of pictures of actual twins, which read, “Twinning is winning. Loved by You – this week you’ve embraced that matchy, matchy magic!”
And the timing of the email: 11:11.
I couldn’t make this up, even if I tried. This is some kinda magic alright!
6 thoughts on “Piercing through the Silence”
Wow thanks so much for putting that down in words. Yet so often words feel so heady in my own life experience and I have to remember, I need to remember for my sanity and stability it’s a constant constant letting go, and surrender of the picture on the outside. It is not mine to form—that’s up to divine. I only put out what I desire and it’s a moment to moment surrender, let it go to divine source. Again, thank you so very much for your sharing it does explain what I understand and see is so many people’s experience.
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Thank you dear lucidilluminationsllc for taking the time to comment. You are so right in saying that it’s a constant letting go & surrender. Let the divine do its work. When we get involved we seem to meddle lol 🙂 Love and light, Jonna x
Thank you for sharing your heart and your story! I read everything you posted on 2014-15 and resonated with it all. I’m so happy to see you writing again. I appreciate your thoughts, and you validated so many things I felt in my own situation- that was/is very encouraging to me Evan when I thought I was crazy!! Keep shining your light 😃 Gina
hello, yours is one of only two blogs i read. such is the profoundly honest nature of this guide to what i too definitely call MindFuck 101. reading your words helps the searing pain. it’s been 9 months since the door slammed on me out of nowhere. i too heard “you have expectations” as he ran from me with his judgments and accusations, and oh so many projections. we’d been in constant contact for many years and spent real time together often (not just a few months proving that no two Twin experiences are alike.). he’d run like this before and i calmed him down and we grew ever closer than we already were. then it must have triggered him because last year was devastatingly difficult, ending in the abrupt goodbye with no real explanation beyond his fearful projections. in fact i even saw the little boy in him as he ran and wouldn’t look at me. i knew then that i had been correct in seeing that it was panic and fear the whole year long. but being correct doesn’t ease the pain.
it’s now been 9 months. i’m still living with one foot in front of the other and trying my hardest to stay afloat. i know in my gut and in every cell in my body that what this is is real, that i can feel him inside in this silence and have been shown by the universe in numerous ways that i’m on the right path where we are concerned. most days are fine, i can manage this silence and his exiling of me from his life because i know he cannot do so from his heart and soul (again astounding proof from the universe- things i couldn’t make up if i tried). but then every so often i feel his pain and frustration in me and that just knocks me down. i’m in such a cycle now. i don’t know how to not be affected. i try to be still, send love and just be present with what i’m feeling so it’ll pass but it’s not easy and i know you know that.
he must be awake right now because i am always awake when he is (without us having ever shared a bed) and i fall asleep when he does. and all day every day there is visible proof of the moments in which he cannot escape the thought of me. i am comforted by the truth that he is always reachable inside my soul where i can’t see him but i long to touch, talk, hold and laugh again
and this silence devastates me.
i keep telling myself this is all to help me eradicate my fear of loss, to know myself as worthy of this love (while humanly judging him for not seeing himself as such). i keep telling myself lots of things and reading your posts many times in order to just breathe.
but sometimes it is just too damn hard.
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I just came to this specific blog…I thought I had been on the mailing list to receive the blog posts, oh well. A funny note my TF’s son’s birthday and his dog’s birthday are both on June 11. Anyway, still moving through the daily stuff of TF life. He and I have been together almost 10 years yet still we don’t live together. That is my biggest question at this time WHY!? I search and search within my Self and I feel too close to the emotions to come up with a clear answer other than fear on both our parts. Yesterday, my TF responded to me in a way he has never done since our physical meeting in 2012. He texted me after I left “his” house which is as much my home as it is his (we both know this.) His text read: “I feel like I missed out on giving you a hug goodbye. I sometimes get too absorbed in the challenges of the new job, and forget to appreciate you. For this I am sorry. I love you.” A shift….and I Am Grateful and I Let Go.