Sometimes this connection can truly feel like a life sentence – or worse, an irreversible curse.
I first met my beloved 18 years ago. I was 25, he was 31. We recognised each other instantly – and within days became lovers.
What followed was the most amazing summer of my life. I couldn’t help but fall for this most magical being to ever walk this earth. An eternal love which had always been there revealed itself to me in our connection. A spark of God dwelled in his eyes. He was unlike anyone I had ever met. He unassumingly rocked my world from here to Andromeda – and in the process left me forever changed. I knew 100% that no one could ever take away what we had – and I was right. But not in a million years could I ever have imagined having to live my life without him.
Almost two decades have flown by since that summer. The connection has had its ups and downs; and so has our human relationship. As I sit here writing this, it has been a good 3.5 years since I last heard from him. Other than wishing him a happy Eid, or sometimes a happy birthday, I have let him be, too. Yet not a day goes by that I don’t feel him close to me, in my heart space; as an energy, as a reflection, inside my very being. I have had to make my peace with his constant ethereal presence in my life.
I realise that it has been three years since I last posted anything on here. It was honestly not my intention to stay away so long. Thank you to all those who during this time wrote to me and asked me how I am. Sorry for not being able to respond to you all. I hope you are all well and keeping safe during the current Covid-19 pandemic. Some of you may know that during my silence I went through a horrendous divorce and a custody battle which dragged on for several years. This absolutely drained me, affecting my finances, my health and my energy. I definitely needed time to heal and find my power again.
Nonetheless, this was not the reason I initially stopped writing. Some assumed I withdrew because of the pain of being without my beloved. No. Some assumed I stopped posting because I finally reunited with him. Again, no. But here’s what really happened. Those of you who were following my blog in the 2015-2016 time period may recall that after many years of quasi silence, my beloved and I found ourselves undeniably drawn together that year. It honestly felt like it was God drawing us together – these were his actual words at the time. Somehow, even with no contact, we had both gone through similar experiences in order to reach the same conclusions. In there, was the question of us (at least for me) and perhaps even the opportunity to fulfil the divine mandate which has always existed on our lives. God has sent you to me and vice versa, he told me, to challenge us, to expand us and guide us to his path, to his truth, to our eternal life & salvation, to peace and serenity.
What followed were months of deep discussions, confessions, and all the validation I could ever have wished for. We both had our share of fears, doubts and dilemmas to deal with – he was still married and used this to keep me at a distance whenever he felt like it. This suited me fine: I did not want him prying into my fractured marriage either. I was in the process of leaving my husband but did not want my beloved to know because I did not want him to think that I was somehow doing it for him. In fact, the prospect of finally being able to just concentrate on our friendship felt like the best thing that could happen at the time.
After a period of a year or so, during which I even innocently proposed marriage to him (don’t ask!), he invited me to stay with him at his house whilst his wife was abroad. He had indicated to me on several occasions that he wished to have a long heart to heart conversation with me. He was better at communicating face to face, he said. Although the idea of being in his physical presence terrified me, I was determined to put my fears aside and see him again. He had impressed upon me that we could not and should not have a sexual relationship as long as he was still married – and he intended to stay so. We should not just throw ourselves into our whims and desires, he said. This put me at ease. Giving myself to him and then down the line being friend-zoned and rejected for supposedly having “expectations” was still fresh in my mind.
Knowing that he was determined not to initiate any hanky panky made me feel safe. I sensed a certain maturity and openness in him that I had not known before. If I could trust him to uphold his part of the deal, then I could let go of the “what ifs” and guard my heart in the process. Looking back, it feels crazy that I actually thought I could protect myself against getting hurt. But at the time, he reassured me that I was “more than safe” with him and that he was not rejecting me. I was ecstatic, thinking that we could actually be FRIENDS (since this is what I thought he wanted), and that I could, finally after all these years, have him in my life.
My joy was short lived. Soon, I could see us sliding into dangerous territory. Among all the spiritual talk was flirting – for example, he reminisced about kissing me; how special and empowering it had been, like a “pleasurable pain”, asked me what I intended to “do to him” when we met, joked about tying me down and and never letting me go – and vice versa, so we could live all our fantasies, etc. As much as it felt sweet and innocent, the prospect of something happening made me feel exposed again. I knew it wouldn’t take much for me to go back into the needing-cold-showers-whenever-I-think-of-him territory. Seeking to protect myself and without intending to put him on the spot or to accuse him of anything, I questioned how in his head he could justify his flirting with me alongside his loyalty to his wife. This triggered us both. And so, without realising, I opened that same old can of worms that has been plaguing us since 2002.
He defended himself, saying it was “harmless flirtation” and he didn’t see how that could possibly indicate that he was somehow being disloyal towards his wife. Somehow it was once again me who failed to see how we were only ever friends etc. This REALLY grated on me since surely he MUST KNOW by now how VERY MUCH I love him. Friend or not, my feelings are REAL. How on earth could he think “harmless flirtation” was even appropriate?? We have a history together, we’ve shared bodily fluids for God’s sake and he himself only recently revealed to me the “overwhelming feelings, emotions and nostalgia” he struggled with upon hearing from me – yet somehow I was the one reading too much into it all??? Did my feelings not matter? Why was he even flirting with me? I wanted to bring him closer to God, not further away!! What happened to me being “safe” with him?
The conversation turned sour from thereon. We both felt it and it didn’t take long for him to have doubts about our meeting. He said I was not ready. As you can guess, we ended up not meeting. First he postponed it, then cancelled on me. As much as he seemed apologetic, I felt it was a huge relief for him. I can’t say I hadn’t anticipated it and in all honesty, I was numb. Did he not trust himself, or was he punishing me for not being ready? I may never know… but I would NEVER EVER never have crossed the boundaries he set. He had nothing to fear – only his own self. He then came to me in a dream, of which I only caught the last few seconds of him telling me “We’re not ready.” Soon thereafter he stopped communicating altogether.
For the longest time, I could’t wrap my mind around what had happened. I didn’t know where to start. Trying to make sense of it made no sense at all. The spiritual growth we shared, the synchronicities, the parallel paths, our long conversations; there was so much there to explore. We BOTH felt God drawing us together yet we failed to follow – HOW???? WHY?? Why couldn’t we do this as friends? Hadn’t we learnt anything? It took me a while to unravel it all but I eventually figured that the key to us ever being part of each others’ lives is AUTHENTICITY. Whenever one of us holds anything back, or attempts to hide something, or to box our connection, this brings about conflict. Not because we seek it, but because we are equipped with internal bullshit detectors. This is also where the weight of “expectations” comes into play; only those expectations are not from the beloved but from the higher self/ God. The connection demands 100% authenticity. So maybe despite all our efforts, we will never be part of each other lives in the way we would both wish UNTIL we are BOTH ready to embrace the connection, our own hearts and paths fully.
So here I am still, serving my life sentence. Day 6,594 of eternity. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.