Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

As we progress on the spiritual path, we begin to seek a deeper integrity with ourselves. For those on this path, this often exposes the deep inner conflict between the knowing of our heart and what we recognize as socially acceptable, or morally correct. This is never more so than when there are other partners involved in the meeting of twin flames. Such intense love towards someone who may never be ours makes us question what true integrity really is and how and why to pursue it if it is bound to cause so much pain to us and others. What is it in fact that we should seek to align with; is it our inner knowing which fills us with LOVE but seems so elusive and unattainable, or a passable life which comes with certain benefits (security, companionship etc.) but leaves us spiritually lukewarm?

Meeting our beloved gives us a glimpse of the “real” us and as amazing as this is, it is the realization of what aligning with it would entail that often sends one or both parties running back into their old lives. The changes required are simply too big and the consequences on their lives and the lives of their loved ones too far-reaching. So, instead of following the life call to become who they truly are (which would likely include pursuing this amazing experience with the beloved), they “canonize” their spouses out of guilt, no matter how codependent or lacking in love that relationship is. No wonder then that so many couples never make it – it’s not that the other isn’t aware of the connection; it’s that the shock of being faced with just how unkind and dishonest they’ve been to themselves and others makes them pull back.

Clearly when our beloved flips on us like this and leaves us questioning whether our amazing, soul-deep togetherness ever even happened, it is easy to place all our hopes on them leaving their marriage; after all, they are not holding onto it out of integrity but rather out of a perceived duty to care-take, or out of guilt, or simply because it would be a shame to “throw away” a number of years spent together. Yet if we are really concerned about integrity and how this applies to us (not only our beloved), we will see that we must allow this relationship (their existing relationship, and/or ours) to run its natural course. In fact, whether we are the one cheating on an existing partner or whether it’s our beloved, all we are really doing is cheating ourselves out of integrity – and as long as we remain on this trajectory a true reunion will always remain out of our reach.

So how do we know that we are living a life of integrity since for many of us we can only relate this to the rules, behaviors and beliefs that have been passed down to us from our parents, schools, church and communities? Such integrity often means that we live our lives trying to be “good”, or in a cycle of sin and repentance, striving for what the outside world tells us we should be. Yet trying to please others at the expense of our own values and feelings is not the way to integrity. True integrity, in fact, is not obtained from the outside in, but discovered through aligning with who we are from the inside out.

Unfortunately few who stumble upon this path immediately know that “who we are” is a beautiful and unique being with a divine spark and purpose. Instead we think that we are a wife, a husband, a daughter, the perfect son etc. We compromise our own truth in the hopes of being loved and accepted. Yet we are not here to live anyone else’s life or dreams, or to play the martyr and protect our spouses or parents from disappointment or hurt; in the same way that we should not pressure on our beloved to leave an existing relationship. When we act like this, we are in fact showing God our resistance to the flow of life; to destiny, to Truth, to our Union with our one true love. It is telling the all-powerful source and guardian of ALL life and love that we do not trust in it to look after us, let alone the ones we claim to love.

Ultimately, it is only once we allow our light to shine from underneath the layers of other people’s expectations, thoughts and opinions that we discover what integrity really is: it is being true to OUR SELF, and the moral and spiritual values and beliefs we hold. After all, honesty with others always starts within. There is an even deeper meaning to integrity which relates directly to any chance of physical Union in this lifetime. In addition to being defined as “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles”, the dictionary defines integrity as the “state of being whole and undivided”. In fact, the original Latin word translates as “whole or complete” too, as does the Hebrew word translated as “integrity” in the Old Testament. Therefore, we must understand integrity as a central pillar on our quest for wholeness, which in turn brings about Union. Once we reunite our minds and hearts in the Truth of who we are, there is no question about what the next steps for our Union are. Therefore integrity should be a priority for anyone seeking Union.

So for those with the “married twin” dilemma, is it even possible to be honest and live in integrity with our beloved, ourselves and our spouses without dividing ourselves or without causing pain? Indeed, it can take years to come into any clarity about how to show integrity in our lives when the one that we are so closely bonded with refuses to do so in theirs. Often the realizations only come once we’ve delved deep and long enough into our own Self to find out who we truly are. Therefore the unanswered questions have their purpose; they are the catalyst which drives us within to discover our own being.

Once we shift our energy into fully embodying our truth, this sets into motion the energetic ripple effect which shifts a lot of things in and around us. Committing to living in integrity gives us the courage be more of who we are, aligns our actions with our heart and gives us clarity that shows us our best truth to tell others. It becomes easier for us to respond to and initiate change since we know who we are and where we are going. Eventually, if we persist, we come to see that our only REAL duty and responsibility lies in the discovery of our true Self and in the fulfilment of the divine mandate for our lives.

While the connection to our beloved does not need to destroy other relationships, it always stirs up the already existing issues in them. While it is often temporarily possible to keep the relationship going, further along the path we realize that to really be in integrity we must somehow find a way to integrate the intense love for our beloved into our life; after all, they are a part of us: energetically, spiritually, emotionally. In fact, once the spiritual merging and energies of unity with our beloved are felt WITHIN in a very REAL way, integrity takes on a whole other dimension. If we are truly aware, we are shown the division within ourselves: the one part which knows that the connection is real, and the other which says it’s OK to be disconnected and do this with another person. It is very hard to live permanently with such an inner conflict.

At the very least, this inner division is emotionally demanding and keeps us in spiritual limbo about where to go with the connection. In fact, when we lie in bed night after night next to our partner feeling our beloved with & within us, even seeking their energy out, we are faced with a choice. Do we remain blissfully aware of this energy in those moments of 5D connection, yet deny the very real person in 3D who embodies this energy for us while remaining married to another? Or do we owe it to ourselves and others to seek absolute integrity by fully allowing this energy and person into our lives since internally we know this is what we are being asked to do, no matter what this means for our other relationships?

The thing is; if we do pursue this inner call to align with our Truth, we often find our own wholeness. This opens up a pathway out of the karmic wheel of relationships, towards a real chance of experiencing sacred union, as God intended it. Of course this is not always possible, however it is rarely completely ruled out once we reach this point. Nevertheless, when we take the decision to step up into embodying our highest qualities, it is often better to be alone and to allow this love to flow through us, rather than to be in a relationship where we have to block the very energy that nourishes and inspires us to give more of ourselves to humanity and God.

Leaving my marriage

For me personally, I had known my beloved for over four years when I met my husband. Since he continued to choose his marriage after our short reunion, I had no choice but to surrender my need for a relationship with him to a higher power. When I married I was so in love with my husband that I genuinely thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Because of the how much I loved my twin and our history as passionate lovers, I could not consolidate our friendship with my new life and so I kept him at a distance. It was only 8 years later, as my marriage was falling apart for unrelated reasons, that I realized just how I too had used my marriage to escape the intense connection and my beloved’s “rejection” of me.

I knew after about five years that my marriage wasn’t going to last, yet it took another three for me to finally leave. During that time I came to understand that my husband never really loved or knew the “real me” and if he had, more likely he would not have fallen in love with me; after all our inner lives and values were vastly different. I understood that he had come into my life as a reflection of my own inability to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage the pull within to become the “real” me was increasingly strong and in such conflict with the life that I was leading that I felt only one of two things could happen: either I would give into it or I would end up dead – if not physically then at least spiritually. I had already tried to evolve within my marriage but ours was a low vibrational match – after all, I married him in order to start a family. Eventually it dawned on me that I would have to pursue the truth of my heart regardless of its impact on my marriage.

Unfortunately everything about the separation seemed so difficult. I had no idea where to start and it was only once I started making self-loving decisions that I was able to discern my own internal guidance. I also found that speaking my mind and not sacrificing what I needed made me feel more empowered, although it created conflict. Despite this, I avoided the subject of divorce for as long as I could. The previous relationship I had left after meeting my twin had ended up with my boyfriend attacking me with a knife and then later hanging himself while waiting for trial. It was a horrendous time in my life and inside I still feared something like it happening again, even though my husband was nothing like my ex.

Nevertheless the pressure for me to leave was mounting – in fact; I could hardly stand being in the same room with my husband. I felt the pull to ascend, to embody my higher self and all that, and his vibration was simply draining me. In one way I was lucky that he was away a lot (ironically, this was one of the things which contributed to the demise of our marriage), yet on the other hand this just made the process drag on longer. In the moments that my husband was there I felt energetically “held back” and it was only after the emotional release of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – which I blogged about here- that things shifted within me.

What followed was nothing short of an otherworldly experience. Instead of feeling fearful or hesitant, one day I simply I told my husband of my desire to separate confidently and calmly, and even if my voice was shaking and I sometimes spoke through tears, my words were loving, clear and full of understanding for him. I felt at peace, fully supported, connected to the highest guidance and protection, like I didn’t even have to find the words myself. My husband’s kind and calm reaction was the complete opposite of what I had expected and although the separation did not immediately follow, this was a starting point.

In the weeks that followed I initiated several such conversations yet my husband refused to move out and with three small children it seemed impossible for me to simply leave without knowing where I was going. Since no divine hand was going to come down and make the separation happen I knew I would have to take some kind of action, however when I tuned into my guidance I was told to be patient and to prepare. It would be easier for me to leave if I started organizing my finances, discretely packing certain things and selling others on Ebay – this was all part of the preparation. Little did I know my beloved had received this same “order” too and had started to do this very thing: he was preparing to return to a “life on lighter feet” and a “life with less possessions”, as he said, selling items he had stored but no longer needed.

The final six months of my marriage saw the return of my beloved into my life, even if only through emails. Although it would have been easy to allow myself to get into all sorts of fantasies about a life together once I left my marriage, I knew this was not how it worked. So I viewed his encouraging words and presence more as internal validation for the choices I was making rather than promises of a future together. I knew I had to take these steps for myself, regardless of whether he chose to follow me or not.

By spring of this year, the situation at home had become difficult and I wondered what would be the “right time” to leave. The guidance was that I would know when the time came – and when it did, I would be left with no other option. So, I practised patience despite the mounting pressure to leap into the new. And just like my guidance had told me, when the time to leave finally came, there was no mistaking it: the message from Spirit was so pressing and clear (like someone shouting “go, go, go” at me), and the events that unfolded left me with no choice other than to pack my kids in the car and drive away. That was the end of my marriage.

Almost six months have now passed since then. Although I am still dealing with the aftermath of the separation, I am well on my way to embodying my highest truth; no longer torn between my heart and mind. The strides that I have made spiritually and emotionally have been amazing and could never have happened with my husband’s energy around me. And while I certainly did not leave my marriage to be with anyone, especially my beloved, we are the closest we have been since our first summer together 13 years ago. Since he is still married (as am I technically) I would not even dream of pursuing anything other than a friendship with him at this point, yet I know and feel the love between us (in its abstract form and abundant expressions) every day and I trust that these feelings will never disappear or change.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, for him or us; all I know is that I am excited to see more of this journey as it unfolds. Ultimately we cannot fight ourselves and if we seek true integrity within ourselves we WILL find peace from the endless questions and restlessness of not knowing how to deal with it all. It is within our gift to live a life of purpose, love and abundance. It is what we came here for. For me, to be with myself in absolute truth, integrity and love, is to be with my twin. To allow this love to flow freely is to be with him. To love myself fully is to love him, to be with him. I have complete faith that if we are meant to be together we will be. In the meantime, I am happy, free, whole.