Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

As those of you who regularly read my blog know, I have been riding the waves of ascension and reunion for a while now. The metamorphosis which started in 2002 seems to once more be gathering momentum. As much as my writings are a lifeline for me, the shifts and challenges have been such that I haven’t been able to post any new material for a while. I am treading on uncharted territory here! Nevertheless, during this time of intense transformation I have been left in no doubt about the importance of surrender and of having faith in the process. Staying surrendered creates miracles – and it definitely has for me – whether internal or external.

When I started writing this blog almost a year ago as a testimony of love for the man I refer to here as my “twin flame” (although the label doesn’t really matter), as well as a declaration of my faith in God, this path and our innate ability to transmute our pain into something sublime, I had no idea how I would navigate the huge changes coming my way. This year however I have felt the hand of fate push me into the direction I had always known I needed to take, reaffirming what I always knew. As a result, guided by events which seemed to come to my aide, I finally left my marriage of eight years; something that was long overdue for reasons completely unrelated to my beloved. Divorce is never an easy solution and with small children involved even less so. However nothing new is ever birthed without pain.

One of the most popular questions I receive on my blog is what is going on with my Union – and what happened since the events in my posts Twin Flame reunion: Self-Love as the Key to Illumination (Part 1) and (Part 2). There are many reasons as to why I haven’t shared this part of my journey yet. Firstly, the magnitude of events was such that it required me to take time out, not only to act upon the guidance prompting me to move into the new, but also to allow myself to believe in what I was hearing and seeing from my beloved. I wanted to keep it close to my heart because of how precious every interaction with him during the past year has been. It is still hard for me to open up about the events of the past months; in particular as it relates to things he has revealed to me and all the long lost dreams and hopes this has reignited in me. Even more so, it has been difficult because it exposes how vulnerable he makes me; how he alone has the power to turn my ultimate dreams into reality – or to crush them, once again.

The thing is; I have been feeling empowered, happy with where I am going and with myself ever since I started practising self-love. Nevertheless, there is no denying that loving me equals loving him. As I open myself up more and more to him, to Love, to our Union (whatever that means), I still find myself at times wishing I had worked more on myself. Although I have surrendered and learnt to control the triggers, remaining in balance is still a challenge. I can only imagine what turmoil he has gone through during this time.

I have come to understand that the “union” is a balancing act: not only of the inner masculine and feminine energies but also of the intense energy between the twins. To make it lasting requires the unwavering, eyes-wide-open participation of both. Both must trust that everything happens for a reason and according to divine timing. One simply cannot force the other into Union – even though the progress one individual makes on their spiritual path is often quickly replicated by the other. The only real tool that we have for making anything happen is our own spiritual growth and connection to God. Union can only cement itself into the physical when both parties have reached a level of spiritual and emotional maturity and CHOOSE to step up as co-creators of their own REAL-ity under the protection of the Ultimate Creator.

Since I reconnected with my beloved last year, I have kept “eyes on my paper”, enduring long silences, doing my best to allow his conflicting messages about our past, present and future without judgement, demands or expectations, preferring to trust my deep inner knowing about where things are headed for us. I have stopped trying to give him all the answers, or even thinking that I have them. I want him to feel empowered and not give his power away to anyone, not even me. I have finally allowed the cosmic laws to operate in their own timing, trusting the journey and staying concentrated on bringing forth what is REAL for me. Amazingly, this seems to then, in its own time, allow my reality to reorganise and manifest itself in the most perfect ways.

As I share a little more of my story, you must understand that what has happened in my Union is nothing short of a miracle; something only this divine, transformative love with its endless creative potential can give birth to. Last time my beloved opened up about his feelings for me almost a decade ago, he denied that we had any soulmate/partner/ wife love chemistry whatsoever and told me how he had never ever pictured me as a potential girlfriend, wife, or other half, including in the moments he caressed me, kissed me or made love to me. He also told me that the physical side of the relationship had been a bonus and a “different kind of a physical communication and nourishment”, insisting that this was how he had felt from day one – and how difficult it had always been to make me understand this. He also believed that I had expectations and was trying to make him to be something he did not want to be. Our wonderful time together hadn’t been a game play or a lie, he said, however it was only ever meant to be a temporary thing and our reunion, as passionate and emotional as it had been, had been a “mistake”.

I don’t think anyone can call me totally delusional for not believing him, although I respected his viewpoint. After all, this was the man who from the first time he laid his eyes on me pursued me endlessly, and with whom I passionately reunited with three years later. He was also the man who always made it clear to me that our connection and the feelings I ignited in him were not only special, overwhelming and eternal, but unlike anything he had ever known with anyone else. During times together and apart we shared many metaphysical, telepathic, synchronistic and energetic events. Even in his attempts to friend-zone me he kept crossing the line, even when I asked him not to and sincerely offered my friendship and acceptance of his choice to remain married. We were forever floating between him ignoring me – and then flirting, sharing wonderful moments and deep, spiritual conversations with promises of things to come. And although he reassured me of our special friendship, “filled with caring & sharing,” he constantly failed to be just that; a friend.

What he didn’t understand was that I was not expecting a romantic relationship out of him; I had known from the start that what we chose to be for each other in this life could never change the fact that we are always two sides of the same coin. What I wanted was to have a chance to be what we already were, without calibration, dilemmas or him shutting me out because he wasn’t able to handle his feelings for me, let alone explore them freely. In my mind, the field of possibilities of what we could be was – and still is – so vast.

As you can imagine, I was heartbroken and angry when he told me this. I was beyond the point of caring: the emotional price had become too much to pay. I understood that for him to feel the real power of the connection and our love, I had to allow him the time and space to feel it without my interference. After all, if he really thought the connection was temporary and I was trying to force it, then what better way for him to see clearly than with me long gone, no longer a part of his life, yet with the connection persisting and with his feelings for me not only remaining but growing, bringing him ever closer to Love, to Source, to himself, to me.

Certainly if I trusted what I knew already back then, he would one day see the light yet I had no way of knowing if it would be in this lifetime. It took every bit of my strength to let go of my dearest dream of having a life – or even a friendship – with him but I did it, putting all my faith into knowing that I would be with him again if and when it was meant to be. When I met my husband and started a family, I didn’t think I would ever get the opportunity to be with him again in this lifetime. I resigned to a different kind of love and partnership – yet internally even this love was powered by the love I felt for my beloved.

What happened next

Fast forward 9 years. After he broke his five month long silence with his email telling me about the overwhelming feelings, emotions and nostalgia my words had ignited in him, he disappeared again. His words unleashed so many thoughts and feelings in me that I wrote at length about integrity, moral dilemmas, marriage and surrender, intending to share it all with him – until I realised this too was a pattern I needed to break. Previously every time I sought to connect with him I would bombard him with deep, spiritual emails, high on love – after all, I am a writer! However I didn’t wish to overwhelm him anymore, or to make him feel like he could never adequately reply to me. Instead, since he had mentioned his surrender, I decided to share with him my own personal journey into surrender and the realisations it brought regarding our beautiful connection.

Even though I wasn’t hearing from him, the deepest sense of serenity, of guidance, of being closer than ever to him and God, came over me. I knew something big was happening. I felt the celestial magnets being switched on again: this wasn’t the first time I had experienced this painfully exquisite pull to him, however this time it came with clarity about the deeper purpose behind the connection which not only returns the lovers to each other but also to Source. I was absolutely certain he was feeling the pull too.

Two weeks or so after I wrote to him describing my journey into surrender he finally sought me online late one night. He apologised for his long absence and said that he had been truly very happy that I was writing again and how the repetition and succession of my emails had been a blessing. He spoke of his frustration of not being able to find the words to respond to me or to encourage me to write more. He had wanted me to think about what I wrote and had wanted to allow himself to hear me say it. He told me that sometimes sanitizing words, avoiding controversial discussion, or remaining silent to avoid or delay confrontation of our own demons …are the sure path to mediocrity, hypocrisy, lack of respect, indifference and patronizing of others. He also revealed that he had been preparing for our discussion by covering the subject I might be talking about from every possible angle, yet deep down he was still expecting me to “uncover unexpected angles”.

That night, for the first time in almost a decade, we chatted all night until dawn. Mostly it was about God and surrender, but also about our marriages, our connection and his conversion to Islam. His first question; “So, where are you in your spiritual journey?” set the tone of the conversation. He also asked how my husband was. I said we’d had our ups and downs, he was away a lot, things were difficult – he said he had gone through this many times with his wife. I knew my marriage was headed for separation but I didn’t want to put any pressure on him so I didn’t elaborate.

He told me he had relished in all my emails (the same word my grandmother had used to encourage me to keep writing to him!) and told me how amazed he was at me; we seemed to be saying, feeling and thinking the same things. Even the triggers and fears that had prompted his growth and realisations were mostly the same as mine. Jokingly he asked whether I had become a Muslim too. He suggested we had reached a level of spiritual and emotional maturity at the same time and asked me if I didn’t mind him “testing me” without me thinking that he was trying to be argumentative, as he “wanted to be sure”.

He told me that he cares for me and wants me to be the best I can be, and more importantly accepts me just the way I am (with minor adjustments). “You are 99% perfect to me”, he said. The 1% was where he would be testing me. He spoke about being a truly changed man through his surrender to God, and how he had finally found peace. He told me that he still struggles with his fears, mortality and imperfections every day but also that the deeper he goes into surrender, the more empowered he feels. He said it was about finding his inner chip that was already there. Once he found it, he said, everything changed. Even the “where is home?” became a “reality rather than an delusion.” He wrote: “It is a paradox: Self-effacing brings inner empowerment & a strong sense of life purpose.” It had been the path he “always believed in” and it was only ever a “matter of time” before he would choose it. When I asked him “What path?”, he said “The path you  always talked about.” 

I was blown away by the accuracy of my guidance – this was what I had always known would happen.

He said his worldview had changed, from analysing closely the difference between Real Love & Romantic love or Divine Love & Human love. He told me that if he was to pursue a life partner this wouldn’t be a ying and yang but a partnership which would be in alignment with what God wants: a “realistic love and affection that allows both of us to fulfil our purpose in life for the love and pleasure of God”. This partnership, he said, would be “serious, binding and REAL with no ifs, buts, doubts… and all the way.”

♥♥

Clearly something was pushing him into being open with me again, but he also told me we should not just let ourselves go with our whims & desires; in fact, he would not be encouraging a romantic or sexual relationship as long as he was still a married man. I fully agreed with him: the last thing I was looking for was an affair; however the way he worded his sentence made me think there might be a time in the future where he would no longer be a married man; that is, until he told me he was looking forward to spending the “rest of his life” with his wife. He alluded to how blind he had been in the past and how him and his wife “had it all.” Naturally, I asked him to be clear with me since I had no interest in interfering with his decisions or his marriage. His happiness and surrender meant the world to me; I didn’t want to disturb his newfound peace and serenity. I only wanted to have a real friendship, if nothing else, with him and I did not want to lose him again.

He asked me not to stop or hold back, and in a separate conversation told me my love was making him “blissfully happy.” He said that with my prayers he might acquire the “true vision”. We agreed that we would trust God and let the “cosmic laws” take their course. He told me “If we accept our human limitations and guide ourselves with divine light and free-will, and we are patient enough.. then we are bound to make good choices when it comes to life partners, careers, friends etc.” He also said that if things don’t go our way, then we would get “all that we are missing and much more” in the afterlife – where our eternal home and final destination is.

He said that it is only through intense fire that the transformation of metal into gold can ever happen and told me to bring on the flames. He was speaking alchemy –  “the seemingly magical process of transformation, creation and combination”. To add to the confusion later on in the conversation he alluded to the divine revelations I had been getting about us and told me that if they were in fact true, he would divorce his wife and be like me. He reassured me that he wasn’t trying to be sarcastic but that he truly wanted me to think about it and to enlighten him.

I was hearing the two conflicting sides of him again – mind/ego and heart. Why oh why does God have to give us the ability to see through the walls and masks into someone’s soul? On one hand, he alluded to my “pie in the sky” unrealistic ideal of love, giving lots of examples of such, suggesting that maybe I was going through a temporary crisis in my marriage and had perhaps “only recently woken up.” On the other hand, he spoke of his admiration of me having always been able to reach the “realm of the sublime and divine” and for holding the divine secret. He expressed regret for having been “too blind or shallow” in the past and not being able to see it, but he was thankful to have reached it now. He said I had to be a “true seeker of God” to have seen it all along. He wrote, “It is from your Creator who knows best and cares about you to inspire you to say it. You must be a very sincere truth-seeker for you to be blessed. It took me a long time, I must have been doing something wrong. I wish it was sooner than later, but Thank God for everything.”

He told me I seemed to hold a divine truth and said he wanted to learn my method – how? He said he would love to have what I have, unless I want to keep my amazing direct contact with God all to myself. In another conversation, he said it was “ironic” that I seemed to have gone “over the edge”, whereas he was “still standing on it”. Then again,  he had worked out the statistics on our time together up to the age of 50 (which seemed strange since he was 44 at the time), perhaps to demonstrate that it really wasn’t that long at all – as if time meant anything for our connection.

More importantly, after all these years he told me that he had always loved me and had never ceased to love me. He always had love and affection for me. “But you should know that by now,” he said. How much love? He said he could not possibly tell but that he was trying to increase the amount of of love in his heart for others because that’s how he would be judged one day by the Giver of that love – God. He had never forgotten me in his thoughts and prayers. When I revealed to him that for the first time, I was feeling a protective male towards female energy from him towards me, he told me his energy and vibes towards me never ceased and had always been there; likening them to the sun. “If my sun is not shining on your surface, it is shining somewhere, so you can sleep or have time to reflect in solitude when it’s dark. The sun will rise again soon.”

In subsequent conversations, he spoke to about his desire to start a new life on lighter feet, about how he needed to get certain things “out of the way”. He wanted to give me his “undivided attention.” He spoke about patience and preparation, of which chatting and writing was part of. As for the chemistry, which he had insisted was “non-existent” between us, had of course always been there, however he had dismissed the connection as “temporary” as he was not able to discern between sexual and spiritual chemistry at the time. He said he would be lying to himself if he called it “platonic.”

He told me that he was certain that it was God’s guidance drawing us together. When I said I had done everything to fight it, he asked why would it be an issue for either one of us? He said he welcomes me back with open arms. He told me: “God sent you to me and vice versa, to challenge us, to expand us and guide us to his path, to his truth, to our eternal life & salvation, to peace and serenity.” This, he said, “reminds us how fragile we are but at the same token, empowers us to what is our purpose in life.” God willing, if we both prayed for it, he said, then God would lead us to it.

That night we talked for over 8 hours straight until I had to leave for work the following morning. Although he signed off lovingly, telling me he wanted to speak to me again very very soon to find out more about my situation, he disappeared for another couple of months. My head was left spinning with what he said, the love that I felt, trying not to read between the lines, his conflict, mine, whether I was misinterpreting what he said and the changes I would have to make in my life to follow this path. I knew I was exposing myself to heartache. Yet I was reassured from within: give me time; be patient, this is all for the purpose of Union.