Mirror of my soul – Stories of you, me, the world and eternity

When twin flames meet, it is the recognition of the self in the other which ignites the deep longing for Union. More often than not, this union is a long process lined with paradoxes, including this one: we cannot find union with the other until we find it with our Self. We meet our beloved for this very purpose: so that they can reflect and bring to our attention all the ways in which we must still grow in love for our self. The union/wholeness with the Self MUST come first. It is so important because self-love helps us trust our intuition and inner knowing and the more we tune into and learn about the symbolic signs from God and our own individual way of receiving them, the more we are able to recognise the small voice of our Higher Self/soul when it speaks to us.

It is only within that we find all the answers and validation for our  connection. It is the famous paradox again: our beloved can never validate the connection back to us to a greater extent than what we have been able to validate to our self. This is the very reason why developing the communication with our Higher Self is so crucial: we must find certainty despite the great mystery. Sooner or later, the journey leads us to the discovery of the Source of love/Seed of divine wisdom within our own Being, as well as the TRUTH that our beloved is never further away from us than we are from our own Heart and Soul.

The truth is that you DO have all the answers and you do not need the other to validate your own experience to you. You CAN be freed of the pain regardless of what your beloved is or is not doing. Personally I believe this self-validation is a prerequisite for physical union/harmony since once the internal validation and knowing transforms into illumination/surrender, our beloved feels it too – and responds by mirroring it back to us, just as we no longer seek it – perfectly affirming the “twin flame” paradox. Following our intuitive knowing WILL bring us into alignment with the Divine plan and clearly, if BOTH parties choose do so, they will be brought into harmony in divine timing. Self-love and surrender to God’s will makes the impossible possible.

To continue my story about what happened after I made the decision to do only things that a self-loving person would do, it was now a couple of months since I had sent my beloved the email inviting him back into my life (if you missed part 1, click here to read). Although I had not heard anything from him or seen him online during all that time, my life was a hotbed of spiritual activity and I was getting constant signs and synchronicities which reassured me that I was on the right path.

I was also becoming acutely aware of the energetic suppression of my marriage and it was increasingly hard for me to live with. For reasons completely unrelated to my beloved, I had known for a while that my marriage would have to end – I just didn’t know how or when. I will share my insights regarding ending my marriage in another blog, however I was guided not to make any rash decisions but to trust that in the right time I would know what to do and would find the strength and support to do it.

September

Earlier that year, around the time I started my “self-love project”, I had started suffering from debilitating sciatic pain. I found myself unable to sit up, move or even turn in bed without being hit by the excruciating pain that completely froze me. It was affecting every aspect of my life and nothing or no one seemed to be able help. That summer, through a series of coincidences and synchronicities I ended up attending a law of attraction type workshop and scheduling a session of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) with tapping with the course leader Eileen. About 40 minutes into the treatment, as I was describing to Eileen how the fear of the pain made me feel stuck and unable to move, I suddenly started to sob. It wasn’t a slow realisation that hit me but rather a flash flood of emotion which took me by complete surprise. Through the deluge of tears I understood that the physical pain I was experiencing was merely a reflection of the emotional blockage and fear I had held onto about moving on into the “new”. It was a huge moment of relief where I realised I did not need to hold onto that pain anymore. Amazingly, within a week of the treatment the pain had completely disappeared.

The release of this blockage seemed to catapult me into much more clarity and I was finally able to make some long overdue changes in my life. I reduced my working hours in order to gain a better life-work balance and I stopped the law studies that had been draining my energy. I was even more determined to remain in this state of clarity when my long-lost creative flow of energy returned. I hoped to get back into writing which I loved and that my beloved had always encouraged me to do.

October

Very soon after the physical/emotional release of the EFT session I had symbol-filled dream about my beloved; made all the more special by the fact that it was years since I last remembered dreaming about him. In the dream I was in Paris – where we first met – viewing an old abandoned apartment. Time seemed to have stopped there; the shelves on the walls were dusty and empty with the odd object left to gather dust. It didn’t seem like a place anyone could live. I found myself feeling pulled towards a stream of light shining in through a door slightly ajar at the back of the building. I pushed the door open and stepped out into a Parisian courtyard. To my right, peeking through the clouds was the sun; shining onto the courtyard in stark contrast to the dusty and dark interior I had just walked through.

As I stood there, not having taken a single step yet, a man stumbled into the quiet courtyard from the same building as me but through a different door. He was only a few meters to my right and only a few seconds behind. He pushed the door open with such a force that he literally stumbled out. He was facing sideways to me and did not see me, but turned towards the sun and stood there with his eyes closed, feeling the warm sun on his face. My heartbeat accelerated, I recognized this man! It dawned on me just before he turned around that it was my beloved. For a split second I wanted to run; then resisted the urge just as our eyes met. It felt like for the first time in a very long time I was able to look at him without hiding myself. The truth was that in way I had been expecting him. We weren’t speaking, there was no need to. He was looking at me, relieved and amazed, saying “What now? I am here. I made it. What happens now? “.

The dream was full of spiritual metaphors, signs and references to the past: him stepping out to the sun, the sun (=love) shining through the clouds etc. (Note: you can find a more indepth interpretation of my dream here). With each day I seemed to understand its deeper meaning more and more. I KNEW that the dream was significant and my guidance told me that the fact that we both burst into that courtyard simultaneously meant that we had BOTH had a spiritual breakthrough at the same time. I was definitely feeling the magnetic pull to him in my chest much more strongly; to the point that it developed into a physical ache whenever I thought of him. I kept finding myself wanting to hold him, without any agenda or hidden hope; simply to hold him in my arms and let him know that everything would be ok. I was convinced he was feeling the pull too, yet when I wrote to him lovingly, guided to do so, he remained silent.

♥

One morning, as I was getting ready in front of the mirror I “saw” him looking back at me, truly SEEING me. I saw myself with so much love and I was puzzled at to what it really meant, except that a veil of some sort had been lifted. It was a strangely empowering moment and slightly intimidating too – was he now sometimes seeing through my eyes, just as I was seeing through his?

Within a day or two, I had another experience of this as I caught a glimpse of him enjoying a moment of joyful conversation with a group of Muslim men all dressed in their white Islamic dress. Without knowing how, I knew that he was on the pilgrimage to Hajj – something he later confirmed. Later that day things got even stranger… I was at the gas station filling up my car when an older Muslim man in his Islamic dress approached me. He spoke to me gently and asked me if wouldn’t mind helping him make sure he was putting the correct fuel in his new car. The whole situation felt very odd, considering that the gas station courtyard was full of men, including younger Muslim men that he could have asked instead. He wasn’t even parked next to me but walked across the busy gas station to my car. The odd thing was that I felt it was my twin’s energy that this man was drawn to and which caused him to approach me, and I felt an affinity with him that was most unusual – he even patted my shoulder in a brotherly fashion on leaving. It was a strange experience which left me puzzled as to the nature of our energetic merging.

A week or so later by another set of coincidences I found myself attending a mediumship demonstration (my first & last one ever!) for a bit of Saturday night fun with a friend. I was gob smacked when my late grandma came through with a message about my beloved. She had always had an amazing connection with him (more about it here) and this despite the fact that I had never opened up to her about him (I didn’t need to – she knew anyway!). She told me that my connection with my twin was a true heart and soul connection and how she knew he was the One I had always loved. She mentioned the emails I’d been writing to him and said that I should not be discouraged even if he did not reply because my emails were helping him and he was” relishing” in them (the exact word he himself would use a few months later to describe his feelings about them). She told me to keep writing to him as much and as often as I can and told me to “hold on” and be patient as amazing things were coming my way.

November

Almost five months had now passed since I had sent my beloved my email revealing my feelings. Despite his silence my understanding regarding our connection had grown leaps and bounds and I was seeing many positive changes in my life. I was connected to so much LOVE within me that I no longer felt the need for any kind of acknowledgement, validation or confession from him. I felt compelled to share and help others and started writing my blog Mirror of My Soul, feeling inspired, connected to and loved by my beloved despite no visible proof of any “progress”.

Then I dreamt about him again. He had come to see me for the first time for years; we lay on my bed with our legs touching, tingling against each other. He was talking about the events of these past years, holding up a huge sheet of paper on which he had drawn a timeline filled with dates: for each time he had failed to find adequate words to speak to me, for all the things he had written and then erased etc. As he was speaking, the sound of his voice faded away; all his explanations as to why, how and what for were meaningless compared to the feeling of peace and HOME that I was feeling; that ALL of me was there in that moment, no part of me left out there in the multiverse, no fragment, no piece of me separated from its source. He had finally returned HOME to me.

The following night as I sat on my couch I felt his energy surround me. It was so intensely loving, so deeply comforting, warm and REAL that I stopped everything I was doing and just sat there, with my eyes closed, blissfully aware of it. I don’t know how long I just sat there, however at some point I realized he had logged on – for the first time in over five months. I knew intuitively that he was writing to me as I could FEEL HIM talk to me and so I just sat there, enjoying the flow of thoughts and feelings until at 1.30am an email came through from him.

The energy of that moment was so intense, so tangible that I had trouble holding my shaking hands still enough to be able to read his words on my cell phone. He apologized profoundly for not having replied to my wonderful emails sooner and confessed that he had kept writing and erasing his responses; unable to find an adequate way to express himself, let alone respond – which was exactly what he had conveyed to me in the dream. He spoke of the overwhelming nostalgia, feelings and emotions that my email had ignited in him (all of which I had felt!) and the moral dilemma it had raised for him, which, he reassured me, was not my fault. He spoke about finally connecting with divine guidance, about surrender, his conversion to Islam, the Hajj pilgrimage – it had all happened just as I had been shown. He spoke of the “calming spiritual & emotional force” which I represented for him, his admiration for me and how he had always looked up to me spiritually. He admitted that he must have been “too shallow or too blind” to reach the realm of the “divine and sublime” as I had always done – and still did, and that I would always be a part of him.

I sobbed out of sheer relief and love for him as I read his words. For the first time, I recognized every word he wrote as being TRUE. Knowing that he was finding God and himself meant everything to me. All the questions, all the doubts were gone; not because of what he said but because I ALREADY KNEW. I had ALWAYS known; through his denials and rejection, through his pursuit of other women, through 13 years of separation, I had always known. We are already connected on all levels that matter and we are in this together.

Truly, the connection to the self IS the key to the connection with the other.