I spent a lot of time
searching for affection
in shallow spaces
I gave people bits of
me they didn’t deserve
and I let myself be hurt,
because I thought that’s
what I deserved
but once I let go of
trying to shove the
puzzle pieces in places
that did not fit, once
I let go of all the hate
I secretly had stored in
the gashes that decorate
my heart —-
I met you.
As awakened spiritual beings, we become aware of our innate ability to soar higher, raise our vibration, as well as to gain greater knowledge and insights about our own spirituality and connection to God. Often times during our search, we catch glimpses of an elusive higher reality that we just cannot seem to maintain permanently. We leap – and crash and fall; finding ourselves lying face flat on the proverbial ground time and time again, wondering why we never quite manage to reach it despite the strong urge to leap & fly.
This scenario repeats itself in our lives: we go through crisis after crisis questioning our belief in God, the meaning of it all as well as our own intuition & knowledge; to our very foundation. All this goes to show us just how fragile we are; highlighting our own nothingness in the face of God, who is everything. The reason we repeatedly land flat on our faces is simple: to truly surrender and reap the benefits requires us to fully trust God. Until we acknowledge this and fully hand over the reins to God, our face will continue hitting the ground; for God has the ability to reduce us down to nothing over and over again.
Surrender does not happen by weighing the pros and the cons, or by a conscious choice, but rather, surrender happens after years of trying to find purpose, serenity, meaning, a deeper way of relating to others, or perhaps to control our own behaviour. Therefore, surrender often comes after a long road of seeking and once it happens, even the seeker knows fully that this is not only the right option, but the ONLY option. Surrender is a call to the traveller lost in the desert to see clearly. It is the letting go of the old, of that which no longer works for us, and building the world that we always dreamt possible.
We cannot reach this stage until we understand what is required of us, which is complete surrender to God. Holding up our hands in frustration and giving up on our beloved or love itself is not surrendering but rather resigning. To fully surrender means to fully accept and acknowledge all that is there; in my own case, this meant that finally I had to give my beloved the space and position in my life which was rightfully his, regardless of what that meant for me, my marriage, my sanity etc.- and regardless of whether he wanted to be any part of it. There was simply no other option left for me, since for me to find peace and to be who I really am, I needed to accept who he is to me. And more importantly, I had to do it to align myself with what I felt was God’s will for me.
This requires a major leap of faith and signals a huge advancement in our spiritual development. In surrender, we are asked to let go of what we cannot control; easier said than done when we have held onto this control as if our life depended on it. In surrender, we realise just how acutely disconnected we have been from ourselves, others and God, while at the same time realising why such was perhaps necessary. We realise that changes, big and small, are needed.
Surrender implies the end of resistance, or fighting. Often it seems that this fight is against those people who get in the way of the fulfilment of our desires and wants, however we realise that this is merely a reflection of the conflict we have inside us. The real enemy is within and in order to find peace with others we must first face our own demons and annihilate our own ego. This happens when we stop fighting ourselves and others. By fully accepting who we are – the good, the bad and the ugly, we are able to accept the way others are too. This acceptance however does not, and should not, stop us from seeking to better ourselves, or from wanting to contribute to the harmony and beauty in this world.
Surrender is that moment when we are finally ready to rise into Oneness with God. In surrender we see just how totally dependent we are on God and God alone. We surrender so that we can be made into nothing so that God can become everything in us. It is a moment of the lifting of a burden, of deep, deep peace and serenity. Surrender asks us to die to ourselves; to empty ourselves of who we think we are, the should’s and should not’s, the cannot’s and will not’s. God needs space in us to work through us. When God can move us to any direction He wants, we can easily and effortlessly receive inspiration from Him. When we realise that everything in existence only happens through His will, then that will becomes ours. When this happens, God’s abundance in us is always there. We are never emptied or empty.
My resistance towards the TRUTH that is my connection with my beloved and what this implied for me, and for my carefully set up life, was the final bit of resistance I personally had to overcome. It was that DEEP LOVE that needed to be acknowledged and given its rightful place in my life, regardless of whether he was physically around or not. The deep realisation that this connection will ALWAYS & FOREVER be there NO MATTER WHAT was the one last thing that I had to accept about myself.
During the years that I spent without the physical presence of my beloved, I felt myself grow ever closer to him and to my Creator. I reached spiritual heights that many only ever dream of; and learnt to trust & follow that quiet voice that spoke to me in my heart. The love that I felt for him remained steadfast, unwavering, relentless. I became very intuitive, and received many revelations and insights which helped me grow spiritually. I also found that the more we have been spiritually powerful, the more surrendered we must be. We are called to surrender the very things that we have held onto in our hearts as truth. So, in a way, since it is this love that helped me reach so high into closeness with God, it is therefore the surrender of this love that was required. And the deeper our surrender, the more God is able to work through us.
What ended up happening was that rather than lose this love, through surrender it grew stronger as instead of looking into the past, the love found itself being renewed in every now-moment, replenishing the vision and emotion on the inside: reaffirming what is, what is developing and what will be. Suddenly it seemed like everything, including the return of my beloved into my life as a changed man, started to happen and click into place, just as I had always wished they would! Everything IS truly unfolding in utter perfection; for only God truly knows all things. All we have to do is to choose God – and let Him choose everything else.
Disconnecting from my beloved was never going to lead me to anything other than a disconnection from myself. He was, is and always will be part of my energetic make-up, and the One person who reflects me in the most awe-inspiring and unforgiving way. We always got and understood each other instantly, silently. Our souls sat in knowing silence in the mountain meadow with the crescent moon and stars above us, love & friendship flowing between us. However, through surrender to what is in the Now, it became clear that the journey really is about me, about me being true to who I am – to All That I Am. In surrender, I became clay in God’s hand – fully remouldable to the exact shape He wants me to take.
A lot of things can flow to us when we surrender to the reality that is actually before us. It becomes increasingly clear what is right for us and what needs to change. You can see where you need to take action since you are no longer blind but rather trusting in God with your eyes wide open. This also opens us up to the deeper purpose of the relationships and connections that are available to us in this life. We consciously know who is right for us, and we understand the type of relationship we want in our life.
For me, this meant that I could no longer settle for anything other than the soul-shaking, trans-formative, one-soul-in-two-bodies kind of love that I always knew existed and that I have come to know with my Twin. For once we have experienced the fullness and rightness of loving & being loved fully for who we are as an eternal soul, we come to realise that we could want nothing more, nor accept anything less than this. The truth is that having anything in our life that doesn’t resonate with it becomes unbearable. No matter how wonderful, no matter how loving, no matter what the reasons or dilemmas. Our ultimate and only hope then lies in our own internal vision and our trust that where there is God, there is a way.